Im losing my mind

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Quanya, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    I have not been on the ofrum in a while. My difficult child was diagnosed with OD with depression and anger issues due to no interaction with her father. Well a couple of weekends ago, her father stated he did not want to have anything to do with her. Since then, problems in school have increased. She has been so defiant towards teachers that it is embarrassing. I took her to see her dr to talk about her feelings. She is not on any medication. Do you think I need to consider medication?
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i'm sorry you are having a rough time. depends on her level of depression. what did the dr. say regarding it? an elevation in anger and defiance would make sense if her father is detaching and she knows it. i think that would hold true for any child, yet a child who struggles with certain disorders sure without a doubt. i used to be against medication's i'm not anymore. if you feel and the dr feels it may assist her right now then sure why not. is she in any type of group counseling with kids with similar issues? sometimes it helps them to see they aren't alone.

    good luck
  3. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    Ok here's the thing. I have insurance but the dr do not take. I can not afford the cost alone and i do not qualify for assistance.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Could you please move that paddle and put on a life vest? You are in the same boat I am. lol

    I have worked with a lot of kids who lost either one or both parents. I have also worked with kids who's father's or mother's wanted nothing to do with them. In some cases (very few) and with older children (16+) the child's behavior is so bad the parents are left with no choice BUT to sever ties.

    I can't imagine what ties at your daughters age a bio-parent would want to sever - except maybe that the parent is so ill (mentally or drug/alcohol) that he feels he's not a good example for her so he's cutting ties. Another reason is a lot of times parents remarry or find an S/O and the friction between the bio-parents is so bad one parent will just try to walk away. It's always the adults who ruin it in younger kids - children just have such a hard time grasping the idea and spend more time trying to pin the tail on the jackass. Or they play "It's my fault Mommy/Daddy is gone. It's an all consuming activity that cuts to the quick and can ruin self esteem in the blink of an eye.

    SHAME on her father for being so ill prepared and damaging your daughter.

    I'm 43 and if my Mom woke up tomorrow and said "I DO NOT want anything else to do with you?" It would kill me and make me feel just awful. Gosh even if a stranger walked up and said "I don't like you I don't want anything to do with you - without an explanation - it would really make you think - WHAT DID I do WRONG/

    And to a child - that's all she is consumed with - WHAT DID SHE DO WRONG? The answer is simple - nothing. The solution - is harder. Making her believe she's something or someone when a parent isn't behaving like a parent can take a lifetime. if you can't afford therapy - take her to your local mental health office - you will get a psychologist and he can talk to you about putting her on medications. to help control her anger and anxiety.
    Mental health is on a sliding scale fee. So maybe a visit will cost you $10.00 = if she qualifies for medicaid - the prescriptions can be as little as $4 .

    Do I think she needs to be on medication? Tough call. I don't know her - and right now while you may THINK that ALL of her problems are due to lack of communication with her dad - that's not necessarily true. Genetics play a part, and self-taught poor coping skills are LARGELY to blame. Once a child tries to deal with 1 problem internally and gets bombarded with others; we as parents really DO get blindsided as to what is happening. We don't see the child act out for a while and then BLAMO.....POW....ZAP....ZING.....WHO IN THE BLUE LAGOON ARE YOU? And by then - the kid has formed habits of coping with things that you had NO idea WERE problems, or she's been behaving in a bad manner and we overlooked it thinking it would go away - NOT become a habit - and well - tough luck on us - it became an acceptable way to deal with anger.

    I would say from just what you've told us - first she needs to know that it is OKAY to be angry. It just takes time to learn how to express your anger in an appropriate manner. That takes time with a good therapist working with you and her so that you BOTH know THIS is appropriate and can be dealt with, but THIS "having a little hissy fit, throwing stuff, busting things and cursing, kicking the walls, damaging property - IS NOT appropriate.

    Once you give your kids permission TO be angry - it takes some of the power away from being angry. When you start taking the POWER away and replacing it with models of acceptable behavior - it's hard, but do-able.
    The longer you allow her to continue to behave inappropriately the longer it will take to get her TO behave appropriately - and just saying "YOU BEHAVE" isn't going to help - you have to get a coach and both work on it. You need to know how to detach from her fits - and SHE needs to know that it's okay to blow a cork - just so long as nothing and no one are being harmed, and you are taking away her ability to manipulate because YOU see through coaching with a therapist WHAT EXACTLY and HOW you are being manipulated.

    My son is 17 - I promise you if I knew 1/2 of what I know now - the kid would NEVER have gotten away with the stuff he did. But...I didn't know any better. Once I KNEW I didn't know any better - I got help and we ALL got better. Make sense?

    You were VERY right to get her to a therapist to talk about her anger. Drawing is another way to express your rage - Exercise daily with her - go for walks if you can. Join the YMCA - and get involved there. Fill up her time while she's working on her self -esteem in therapy.

    As far as what to say to her - There is nothing you can say to her that is going to bring her dad back - or make him less of a horses patootie. She'll figure that one out on her own. I wouldn't put him down. I would just say he has a lot of problems. Reinforce that YOU love her - but don't try to be Mom and Dad - you can't.

    And right now - she may benefit from an anti anxiety - but I think I'd ask a doctor about it. Maybe an anti-depressant - but so many SSRI's are not good for children.

    I'm glad you found us - I hope something someone posts will help you both.

    And - I would suggest a post in Parent Emeritus - a LOT of the parents of older kids who are now grown and successful have dealt with what you are now - they could probably offer some very valuable insight and foresight to what you are facing.

    Big hugs for her and you
  5. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    Thank you but let me give you some more background information. She was molested my her father's cousin. His family did not beleive her but they investigated and found out she was doing it to others members of the family. She struggles to fit in at school. She is VERY interested in boys and is approaching them in the wrong way. I am so so so so lost. I have tried the mental health centr. They do not qualify for the sliding scale not medicaid.
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    She may likely need a good play therapist. They are hard to find under the best of circumstances, but can be very helpful in situations such as your daughter's.

    If you live near a University and they have a psychiatric department, call and see if you can get her in. They often have services available at little or no cost.

    Best of luck to you. Getting care for our kids shouldn't be so hard.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    So you have a daughter that was molested, AND her father wants nothing to do with her because he believes she is lying about the cousin?

    I'd move heaven on earth to get her into therapy somewhere.

    And you make too much money for Mental Health to take you at reduced fees? I WOULD CALL MY CONGRESSMAN and complain a blue streak . My GOD does ANYONE know how that girl feels? No wonder she's out of control.

    Poor you.....and she's HOW old? Any siblings, Step Dad in the picture?

    Or just you and her against the world??
  8. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Hi Quanya,
    My daughter went through something very similar. Someone on the post mentioned play therapy - it's a great resource. As stated it may take some digging to find someone who does that, but the therapist will use toys, drawing, playing, etc. to extract feelings that ned tom come out. It was great for my daughter until we moved and stopped therapy for a while (big mistake - we're now dealing with the consequences) As much as it would make you feel good never say anything bad about the idiot to your daughter- it's not helpful to her psyche. Love her, express how much you love her, and use whatever tools you can find to help her along. It will be a long road - but she can come to a better point than she is now. I know the heartache you are feeling and my thoughts are with you!
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I think I would try to find a local victim's advocate group to see about having her therapy covered under victim's rights programs. How heartbreaking.
  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    HI Quanya!
    As someone who has gone through most of what your daughter has... I agree with what the others have said, I would have most likely done a lot better with therapy and help at a young age... The fact that you are still with her is wonderful, the fact that you believe her and are supporting her is wonderful. But she needs more support and help from People that can guide the both of you.
    I am so sorry that you are in this situation. If you can help her get some of this under control now and figure some of her feelings and emotions out now, it can help the both of you possibly avoid some bad decisions later on in her life.
    Thinking of the both of you.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would look for a group specific for kids who were sexually abused. This is devestating to a child. My daughter was also sexually assaluted at eight years old at her best friend's house (by a visitor). This interrupts the normal development of a child-I volunteer for a home for domestic abuse right now and have learned a lot from the therapists there. I would see somebody very good with sexual abuse. Most of the time the child victims fee they deserved it and feel ashamed and they can become very promiscuous as teens--and are prone to cutting and drug abuse. The issue simply cannot be ignored. medications will not necessarily stop the problems--she would need therapy too, specific to this. My daughter went on to cut and substance abuse (wetting at night is also a symptom as is overly sensitive and rebellion) and even now that she is clean and no longer cutting, she has trouble feeling worthwhile. Please get her appropriate help. Even if she doesn't talk about the molestation, trust me, it's there.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Try going to the domestic violence shelter. They will help no questions asked. What you experienced is domestic violence, and her father is continuing to hurt her any way he can by telling her he wants nothing to do with her.

    The school should also have some resources. By no questions asked, I mean financial ones, they may report the sexual abuse to dhs, that may open more doors for you. If it has already been reported, take the paperwork you got at the end of it to the DV shelter.

    Here it is called Family Services, but if you call a hotline they will connect you with a local shelter.

    Also, does your employer have an Employee Assistance Plan? Many larger companies do, and they can be very helpful in directing you after they see you. I have found that many people do not know this benefit exists. It is worth checking for. In one job I had up to 10 visits per issue. When I found the therapist was excellent, I just kept calling with a different facet of our problems. HE encouraged it.

    What we have now is a phone # that will give us referrals to tdocs. They pay for the first 3 visits per problem, and we can have an unlimited number of problems. I don't like them as much, they give me the same 3 numbers here in town. We have already been told by each of these tdocs that they don't want to deal with us in any way. At least they were up front!

    Anyway, check out these options. Hugs, hon. Remember to breathe.

  13. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    Thank you for all the kinds words and advice. Im going to answer some of the questions asked. I have a 3yr old who seeing his dad on a regular basis. At her curent therapist, they play games like monopoly to express feelings. I have participated a couple times. Right now she is in a inclusive program at her school but they do not beleive anything is wrong with her. They want to sent her to an alternative school. I am totally against that because I feel that if she is placed with kids like her she is going to learn more bad behavior.