As it was explained to me....and I'll try to make sense of it for you.....
WE (cd moms) LIVE for so long on stress, chaos, turmoil, upside-downed-ness...that when things actually DO work out? (don't laugh).....It depresses us. We don't KNOW really what it's like to have good times. Weird huh? When things are inside out and wreaking havoc? We KNOW how to cope. When things are running along even keel? It's foreign to us and a gray area. It's maybe like we're waiting SO MUCh for the other shoe to drop we can't appreciate the minute for the minute we KNOW is around the corner or the explosion that we feel so deeply is emminent. It ALWAYS happens so WHY get used to this NICE feeling. I can remember saying "GO AWAY nice feeling - bring me something NORMAL, something I'm USED TO." and that's actually when I knew what was up. That and my therapist telling me that in Dudes absence, and with the new wonderful job with more money, my life being on the sunny side of the street for once, no teacher meetings, no school meetings, no stressy calls at work, no more hospitals for DF, no midnight ER calls regarding his back surgery, just normal things - like I always HOPED for? When I got it? I had no idea how to handle it and it freaked me out right into depression and I found myself picking - picking - picking - about everything. OM was I a witch.
I'd pick on Df for things that (rolls eyes) were the dumbest things - petty, argumentative.....and then retreat to my room, sullen and just grrrrrrr. Like I could pop kids balloons if I were out somewhere and steal their candy. Ogre-ish if you will. I mean FINALLY I had it all and BLECH - NO THANK YOU -so when we went to thearpy the LAST thing I expected to hear was Df start off with "Well she's been very difficult this week and I don't know why - for once we have everything nice." and I lost it. Then I was told (what I told you above_) and it was made obvious to me that I was attempting to CREATE chaos where that void in my life was. I was gobsmacked to say the least. I mean HERE I AM - preaching 24/7 about peace and harmony and I got it and what was I doing? Wrecking the mess out of it to get instability back? (dumb, diddly dumb de do)
But yeah - That's why.....kinda pretty much in a nutshell....Just know this. It's OKAY to enjoy this good time, and yes.....IT WILL be over someday - but......BUT until someday comes......ENJOY IT. Don't deny yourself todays happiness because someday may not come...I mean whose to say this isn't the beginning of something wonderful? Then again - don't be so caught up in the moment that you are unrealistic about the fact that some bad things DO happen - just know that when they do? You have these good days of peace and strength to draw on and know that there are lots of times when you wished for days like this so these are those days come true.
It's OKAY to be happy -
Hugs and Love
Star
-mostly always happy except when I'm not and even then I'm not completely unhappy I'm just not gloriously and deleriously euphoric.