Yay, Star. You said it well.
Life is over at 36? Because you're finally out from under the thumb of a man who made your life a misery and made a slave of you? No, darling, your life is just beginning.
YOu have been with this man all your adult life, but you stopped developing, stopped growing the moment you hooked up with him. Now is the time to enjoy the last of your childhood and adolescence, without anyone interfering.
Yes, you have two children, but how old are they now? How long before they are legally adults?
I remember Jane Seymour from days of old (see, I'm a lot older than 36). She had two children, I remember one was called Katie and had lovely red hair. I had a daughter about the same age with the same sort of curls, I remember. And where is my daughter now? She's grown up, moved away years ago, still calls now and then, stayed overnight on the weekend while we looked at wedding dress shops, but she is living her own life. She is an adult who relates to me as an adult.
My other kids - I had difficult child 3 late. He is now 14. He needs me a lot less, but husband & I are resigned to him always being around. However, we have a lot more freedom now than even a year ago. If I have a doctor's appointment now, I can go by myself and not worry about difficult child 3 while I'm away. Fourteen years ago, difficult child 3 was a real handful. Twelve years ago he was a handful - a big one. Now I can sit back and know that soon, the workload will be even easier.
OK, my kids will always need me in some way or other, but they are moving away from me now.
I've told you about my oldest sister and her abusive husband (who is still living in her town). She threw him out, but began to regret it as she saw him remarry, still get on with his daughters at least, she watched while he had a happy family life and a partner and really resented being single. When she threw him out she was over 50. They had just had their 25th wedding anniversary. They never got to 26. And at 50, after spending years keeping his house, raising his five kids, paying his bills (which turned out to include bills he spent on his mistresses) she had had enough.
But what could she do? She got back to work, also got involved in her local church and other volunteer work, she was there for our parents as they got old and frail, she watched as her children left the nest and became independent. She had two difficult children in there which worried her a lot, but they were of an age where all she COULD do was worry - and be there to mind the grandchildren who occasionally visited, children born to a series of different women who came to love my sister.
She finally found another man, through her volunteer work. Neither of them was looking for someone else. She had given up looking and was resigned to being miserable and lonely. He isn't someone I would have chosen, but he makes her happy and for that, I am very grateful to him. He loves her, he cherishes her and will go out of his way to keep her from any more pain.
In between, my sister was lonely and unhappy, but she used the time to fill her life. The main reason she was so lonely - because her first husband had so thoroughly convinced her she would be nothing without him, and that even WITH him she was barely tolerable. There are times when her self-esteem still beats her up.
She filled her life, as it emptied with the kids' increasing independence. She went back to her art, she discovered her talent for compassion for others and became a grief counsellor. She worked her way up the promotion ladder at work and became invaluable to her employer.
And one of the best things - once she had thrown her ex out, old friends who had kept their distance came back. She had friends again, who stood by her through the increasing humiliations of his outrageous behaviour in the small country town where they live. But because she was so thoroughly separated from him, nothing he did ever made an impact on her reputation. Not any more.
My sister had ten more years' being downtrodden than you have endured. Plus, she was 50 when she had to start again. She has just turned 70 this year and had a blast at her birthday - inside her head, she is no older than she was when she was 25. She barely looks 50. But in so many other ways, she is younger and more carefree than I have ever seen her before. Incredibly busy, but loving every minute of it.
When we visited her last month, I wandered into the church building during the weekend fair my sister helped organise. Nobody knew me - I was just one more stranger. I looked around the murals on the wall and a woman who was serving coffee said, "Oh, you're admiring the art work? They're done by a lady at this church. She's a wonderful lady, she does so much - and so talented! I don't know what we'd do without her." I got a fifteen-minute saga on how much my sister does, then my sister walked in, and the lady turned to introduce me. The look on the lady's face told me more than anything she had said in the previous fifteen minutes.
If my sister had never thrown her husband out, none of that would have been possible. (He never liked her being involved in the church or the community - someone might tip her off to his affairs.) And the enjoyment my sister is getting out of life, that I could see so clearly on her face - would not be there.
In that 25 years, she learned a lot too. It was not wasted. She learned a lot about human nature, about diplomacy, about how people can take advantage of you. She became a Warrior Mum, then a Warrior Grandma. Then she became a warrior, in general - using all the skills she had learned both during those 25 years, and after.
Amaze, birth is a painful process for the mother and the baby. Right now, you are going through a re-birth - and it is painful. The baby doesn't know, nor can fully appreciate, just what amazing adventures lie ahead in what we call Life. But soon, that baby will be so busy living, that there won't be time to be afraid or in pain. Not for long - too much adventure.
You're going to be sad at times, feeling disheartened at times. That is natural. You're entitled. But there is so much more, and you're only on the brink. Find yourself, find your own footing and be kind to yourself.
it's about time someone was.
Marg