Info on Jess

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Apr 10, 2008.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Thank goodness I had an officer last night that had his head on straight. He backtracked through records to find reports to hand over to the hospital and it's security. Granted, it hasn't been able to have the restriction lifted on visiting but I can get an hourly update. Because she is 18 which is of legal age and has lived with him for more than six months which makes it commonlaw here in Ontario...he can have us restricted. But the staff is willing to let us know what is going on.

    She is still unconscious...hasn't woke up at all. They have her on ivs right now. Her stomach was pumped and the nurse said it appears to be more than one bottle....tests will tell us how much by the end of the day.

    boyfriend is trying to control everything with her....he's even had the guts to try to instruct the nurses which by the sounds of it didn't go over too well. She said if he keeps it up, they will ban him. She asked if I knew how controling he is and I told her about the emails, the phone calls, how we were cut off. She said everytime someone enters the room, he immediately sits on the bed and hovers over her....the nurse said it's un-nerving.

    I am also going to the courthouse later....have an appointment thanks to that nice officer last speak with a sitting judge to see what we can do...

    Now if I can only get husband to pull his head out of his where the sun don't shine and support me, it would be easier....thank you to everyone for the wonderful support...i am afraid i am going to lean heavily on you all...

  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    We're here for you. please keep us updated. Hopefully she will survive intact and this will help the authorities see that she really needs some mental health intervention.
  3. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Carolanne,
    lean all you want! Thank you for updating us, I am sure all of us have been so worried. Thank goodness you can get the hourly updates and I hope the judge will have as much common sense as the police officer! I am so sorry this has happened and I pray that difficult child will be okay. Please do come to us for support as much as you need to, we are here and we care.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    What a horrid, ugly mess. I'm sorry she's still unconscious. That has to be so very frightening for you. boyfriend's control issues sound downright scary. I do wonder what he is afraid she will say when she awakens. Do you think the nurse you spoke to would be willing to write a letter of her observations for you to show at court?

    I have lit a candle for your daughter. May she recover completely and come to her senses so that she can once again be at least a small part of your family. Many hugs.
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Thank you for posting the update Carolanne.

    The boyfriend's controlling behaviour does sound scary, especially when you consider the threatening email messages he has sent to you.

    MB makes a good suggestion, about seeing if the nurse is willing to document her observations for you to show at court.

    Saying prayers for Jess's full recovery, and that the judge is as sensible as the officer you've been dealing with.
  6. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    The only good thing of this is at least you will have witnesses of controlling behavior by boyfriend. TrinityRoyal has the right idea, get witness statements from anyone who has seen this.....hope she comes thru with renewed insights.....
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry ... I cannot even imagine what you are going through. How terrifying. I hope the judge can and will do smoething.. I imagine all you want right now is to be sitting by your daughter's bedside. Prayers coming to you and yours from Virginia.
  8. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Carolanne, so very sorry you're having to endure this trial. But for the life of me, I can't understand why the boyfriend has so much control. Yes, she's 18, but you're her biological parent and closest living relative. If she's still unconscious, doesn't that make you the most likely guardian until she awakes and can make her wishes known?

    Also, are you sure about the common law thing? I have two friends here in the lower 48 that are in common-law marriages. While I don't doubt that their wives can speak for them in similar circumstances, the difference is that they have both made their intentions clear - they are life partners, and are married in every way except at the courthouse. More importantly, they've stated this to many people in an unambiguous way so there is no doubt about the relationship.

    As an outsider looking in (from another country, no less), I wonder if simply living with someone as boyfriend/girlfriend is truly enough to define a common-law marriage. Wouldn't your daughter have to have made some kind of declaration to that affect, even if it was informally to friends or other relatives? While your daughter is incapacitated, and without some evidence that this was her wish (to be this guy's common-law wife), him saying it's so shouldn't make it so, at least not to me.

    Maybe you could play the situation a bit differently and petition to be appointed her guardian ad litum while she's still unconscious - and then push the boyfriend aside until she wakes?

    Just some thoughts. Prayers and best wishes for you and your loved ones.

  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Carolanne is spot on about the laws in Ontario regarding common-law marriage. If you live with someone as a couple for 6 months or longer, you are considered married by common law, unless you make a specific declaration that you are not married.

    The Guardian ad litem thing might work, but it does get very complex when they're over 18 and in a common-law situation.
  10. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    All I can say is "Wow" <..shakes head in confusion...>

    I don't understand it, but I'll accept that you're right about the laws in Ontario. That said, there MUST be some recourse for this - it can't be that cut-and-dried, can it? People really can drift into marriages simply by living together for six months? How do you then get a common-law marriage dissolved?

    And, since it's true, there's always the "if you take the cat, you get the litterbox" tactic.

    My Dad and his wife have been separated for years, but his estranged wife has continued to make ridiculously excessive demands for support. Since his stroke, she's tried to enforce her will over his estate (even though they haven't lived together for nearly 8 years). While I won't go into the details of right&wrong, I will say she's never missed an opportunity to take as much from him as she can get, and far more than she'd be legally entitled to in a divorce.

    However, my Dad's "estate" is dwindling, and can barely meet his medical requirements. Lately, his partner who's taken care of him for over 8 years has started with "okay, if you're entitled to a portion of what little money he has, you're also entitled to share a similar proportion of his debt". That debt isn't insignificant, either, because of some very bad business situations while they were still married and living together.

    So, she got the "cat" (a share of the assets), but didn't want the "litterbox" (a similar share of the debt and other obligations). Once that threat was made, she's been much easier to deal with, and less of a pain in the arse.

    In this case, if boyfriend is going to assume the mantle of authority as her "husband", are there legal obligations he can be held to that would benefit Jess? boyfriend may be enjoying the "power" he has over the situation, but he can probably be forced to accept the other responsibilities that go along with that new role as well.

    I won't try to list them, but I'm sure there are any number of accepted responsibilities and obligations that even a common-law "husband" is legally bound to meet for his "wife". If he's not doing these things (and I bet a few could be found), it could make it easier to get a guardian appointment, couldn't it? Or, at least, if he's threatened with the litterbox to keep the cat, maybe he'll at least back off and stop harassing her parents?

    Just some off-the-cuff thoughts, but this thing is getting to me a bit and I can't imagine my own daughter in a similar situation, and her parents being relegated to "unauthorized visitor" status by an outsider.

    As my bookworm son Sarge would say, "Now I'm vexxed!"

    There must be some way....
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    So sorry it has come to this. I hope that the nurses will ban idiot boyfriend. He sounds like a sociopath, but without enough experience/maturity to pull it off.

    I'm still unclear. Is she still pregnant? I was gone for a while, and can't find any reference to this. If so, how is this expected to affect the baby?
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh, there sure is. Common law marriage in Ontario gives you of the rights and responsibilities of a legal marriage (aside from certain complex tax regulations). So yes, if boyfriend wants to have the rights of a husband, then he is also legally on the hook for any responsibilities.

    However, as Witz so succinctly put it, "He sounds like a sociopath, but without enough experience/maturity to pull it off. " I don't know that forcing him to take on those responsibilities would make the situation better, and it might make it worse.

    As for dissolving a common-law marriage, around these parts if you can't settle things amicably, then there's a very complicated legal mess to deal with.

  13. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Trinity, I'm not sure I meant actually making him honor any such obligations. I was intimating that if he isn't meeting those obligations, then it could make it easier for boyfriend - husband or no - to be superseded by a guardian with Jess' best interests at heart (i.e., her parents).

    Alternatively, if someone were to remind him that he doesn't just get to pet the cat, but will also be held accountable for "emptying the litterbox", then he might be a bit more agreeable.

    Might not be a need to follow through, but a truthful reminder of how the situation IS - and that he's not necessarily holding all the cards - may make him more amenable.

  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    What stops anyone in law enforcement from believing that boyfriend isn't the one that told/forced her to take the pills?

    I think if he's that controlling it is NOT out of place to suggest that.

    He's a toad -

    Sometimes - you just have to let your husband go and do what a daddy has to do. Not the best thing - but it's something.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Seriously, does anyone know if she is still pregnant?

    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    Carolanne - I couldn't stop thinking of you today after reading your post last night. You all are certainly in my thoughts and prayers. I, too, hope the Judge can help with you getting to see her and talk to her doctors, etc.
    More and more prayers coming your way. . .
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I have to say that is the first thing that popped into my head, especially with the hovering and attempting to control even the nurses. Sounds like he is afraid to let her be alone, if you get my drift.

    Not saying he did anything, but at the very least his behavior is highly suspicious.

  18. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Carolanne, I hope you can get in to see her soon. And I hope the hospital staff are watching the boyfriend very closely!

    Believe me, I DO know what you're going through because three years ago my son did the same thing. He took an overdose of prescription medications after his goofy wife of three weeks decided she wanted to run off with another guy! He was unconscious and on a ventilator from Monday through that Friday - they were giving him medications to keep him under and on the ventilator until the slight pneumonia he came down with had cleared up.

    The goofy "wife" and her whole goofy family were there at the hospital. My daughter who is a nurse herself and her husband drove here from S. Carolina and were there at the hospital with me. And bless them, the hospital staff picked up on the situation perfectly and understood completely! Legally, the "wife" should have been the one to make any decisions, the one they talked to, but they just kind of ignored her and talked mainly either to me, my daughter, or sister in law. Luckily (for her!), she didn't push it. We asked them to please not discuss anything important about his condition unless one of the three of us was present, and they didn't. They just kind of went around her the whole time and dealt with us. "Legal" or not, they knew the score and did what was right. And if you can just get your foot in the door of that hospital, I'll bet you that the staff will do that with you too, especially since boyfriend has apparently been behaving strangely and making a horse's patoot out of himself. If he gets too far out of line, they can ban him completely.

    I hope that you get to see her soon. I will keep your family in my thoughts and my prayers.
  19. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Sorry, Mikey. I misunderstood what you were getting at. You do raise a good point.
  20. judi

    judi Active Member

    Carolanne - prayers...