FG,
I have totally lived through it and I also don't understand why the system is not set up to help those who are ready for help. My son was 17, had finally gone into a substance abuse hospital while we were working on a long-term residential placement. The director and his immediate case worker knew this and we had verbally agreed on a 21 day stay.
By day 12, they said he was ready to be released. In digging further, it wasn't so much that he was ready, but that he no longer fit the criteria of a critical or emergency need, so the insurance carrier would not cover it. I called the insurance company and I can still remember screaming into the phone (yes, stress and worry and all those things combined) and asking how someone sitting at a nice desk in a cushy job could determine my son was no longer in need.
I got nowhere, unfortunately. The hospital did release my son on day 12. He came home, ate dinner, took a shower, and the next thing we knew, he had gone out one of the house windows and ran. He was arrested that night for a felony, at the grand old age of 17. The judge denied him the HYTA Act which would have meant the felony was wiped off his record once he reached 18.
He was not ready to be released and I again called my insurance company, for all the good it did. We were able to secure a residential bed for him in a dual diagnostic (psychiatric and substance abuse) long term (he was there for 10 months) through our MHMR Agency. They pushed him through by having him fill out paperwork for social security, where they based it on his income ($0) and had us supplement it by what they deemed we could afford, based on our income. It was a long process to get to that point where they'd take him into the residential facility, but it literally saved his life (and our sanity).
If you have any agencies that work under your county or state MHMR AGency, see if someone there can point you in a direction to get assistance.
Hugs to you. I know what a difficult road this is.
Deb