Introducing myself

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jetsfan0128, Nov 20, 2013.

  1. jetsfan0128

    jetsfan0128 New Member

    My stepsons are my difficult children. I have been in their lives for 5 years now and the realization has finally hit me that their issues cannot be corrected by just having a good mom in their lives.
    The oldest (15) was abused by his bio mom and he has not had any contact with her since I believe he was around 4. The younger one (10), his bio mom sounds to me like she was neglectful to him. She would let him run around with full diapers, ignore him and let him cry. My husband has full custody of both of them. The younger does see his mother every other weekend.
    When my husband and I decided to get married, I knew that there were some issues with the boys, but I naively thought that all they needed was a good mother figure in their lives and everything would fall into place. I was so stupid.
    The oldest smokes cigarettes, does drugs (we know about pot but there may be more), cuts class, fails subjects because he refuses to do homework, and is sexually active. He will tell you what you want to hear to your face and then just do whatever he wants to anyway. The school is constantly calling about detention, or suspension and nothing we do can change him. He is disrespectful to us and mean to his brother and sisters. He thinks he can treat people however he wants and that we should just be fine with that. I feel it is just a matter of time until the police are involved.
    The youngest has ADHD and severe language delay. He is in 5th grade and is reading on an early 3rd grade level. He is SO difficult. Everything is an argument. He is inflexible and defiant. He has said the most terrible things to me. He is manipulative and sneaky. I am afraid to let my youngest daughter play alone with him out of my sight because he bullys her.
    I realize how this probably sounds, like I am the Evil Stepmother. But I truly love these boys and they are MY sons in my heart. I am so heartbroken that I can't help them. The chaos and drama that they create in our home is too much. I am a quiet, calm, peaceful person by nature. But that does not fly in our house. That gets you chewed up and spit out. Now I am sad, depressed, short tempered. I beat myself up constantly that I am probably screwing up my daughters now also by exposing them to all of this. So many times I want to just leave. If I took my daughters and left, I know we would be happy. But I love my husband and they love him also.
    I could go into more details, and I'm sure I will in the future.
    Thank you for listening.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.

    You were well meaning but naive, like so many of us before we have troubled kids. Sounds like you husband's boys had very chaotic early years which can lead to various problems and degrees of attachment problems. The younger boy with the ADHD diagnosis...I'd have a neuropsychologist done to see if he in fact has autism spectrum on top of possibly some attachment issues. He has lots of red flags for autism, which must be treated differently than ADHD, but due to his early years I fear he may have more than just those neurological differences going on. As for the 17 year old, he is almost legal. Your husband and his mother are their legal parents and I assume your husband has primary custody, therefore it is up to him what he wants to do when his son turns eighteen. He can lay down the law and say, "Follow the rules or leave." It's really up to him. About your daughters.

    I know you love your husband and your girls may love him too. But if it were my girls, I'd worry about the boys too, if there was a chance perhaps they are abusing them. It is not uncommon for stepkids to get involved in some scary stuff and your husband's boys do not sound stable at all. Were they ever sexually abused? I mean, not to scare you and I hope there is no chance of it, but I'd worry about the boys getting sexual with the girls. I'd personally insist that the girls lock their bedroom doors at night. Just in case. If the boy's mother brought a lot of seedy or drugged up men into the house there is a good chance t hat the boys have been abused and, whether they remember it or not, they could act out on your girls. This happened to my kids when we adopted an older child who had a stellar reputation. He did not remember being abused himself, but obviously he was. Are your stepkids mean to animals? Do they have any strange peeing or pooping habits? Any fascination with fire? These are big red flags that could mean they may have antisocial traits. I know I am saying the absolute worst and it probably isn't as bad as that, but with what our family went through, I just like moms of girls (and younger boys) to know that abuse from older siblings is a real possibility if they were abused themselves or have attachment issues, diagnosed or undiagnosed. Do your step-boys show remorse when they do things that are wrong?

    Aside from that, and assuming the worst hasn't happened, my suggestion is family counseling and you and hub getting on the same page. Seriously, though, there must be reasons you are worried about your daughters, which makes ME worried about them. If you feel like you should maybe leave with them, even though you love your husband, he is an adult and your girls need your protection. Obviously without knowing more it's hard to give any solid advice.

    I want you to please remember to take good care of yourself, even amongst the chaos. You are important and you must be good to yourself. So many times it is so hard to remember that while we are facing problems with others in the family...women are raised to fix problems and be the caregivers and sometimes we forget to be nice to ourselves too!!!

    Glad you joined us, but so very sorry that you had to. I hope you post more of your story to give us a clear picture.
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Wanted to add my welcome. Hope you are taking care of yourself. And it would be a good idea to get them evaluated bt a neuropsychologist.

    There is hope. At 10 my oldest was a very scary person but after lots of therapy he has gotten tons better. He can still be scary, but he is much better than he used to be.