Goomer, welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself struggling with your daughter's choices. Being a parent under the circumstances you state is very difficult.
You got that right lol
I have a 40 year old daughter who is quite similar to your daughter. Had enormous potential, extremely high IQ, exceedingly bright in all honors classes in school with little or no effort, appeared at that time to be headed to great success in whatever she chose. Once the real world kicked in, she did not fare so well.
Much of this tendency was there when difficult child was young....but back then it manifested more as a mad creativity which seemed more promising. Her exceptionally high test scores on any intelligence/achievement test she ever took helped cement that impression
I also have a sister who has been diagnosed with Aspergers and Bi-polar and a few other things. Similar M.O. Brilliant with many issues.
She allegedly carries a Cyclothymia diagnosis. I know she takes an SSRI and some kind of anxiolytic, even if it seems they're really doing little to help her.
My daughter, like your daughter plays a lot of games and excels at them. However in real life, she has no job, has no intention of getting a job and finds people who will support her without her paying for anything.
How does this make you feel? For me? It makes me really, really angry that my daughter cannot and will not even TRY to become a productive person. I know you are a bit older than I am, (I am 46) and probably recognize large generational differences in how these sorts of illnesses are dealt with now versus how they were during your generation. I think things have gone too far in the other direction now, and people today live their lives as victims much more so than would have been done years ago. Kind of makes me wonder....Know what I mean??
My sister, on the other hand, completed graduate school, became an artist, manages her issues as well as can be expected and has become somewhat successful, although lacks social skills, she found ways to compensate.
How old was she when she became more mature about it? One of the shocking things to watch in difficult child is just how immature she really is. She sometimes shows less maturity than my 5yo son, and that's saying something.
I raised both my sister and my daughter, so I am familiar with what you're talking about.
That had to have been hard on you.
Your daughter is 27. If she lives with you, you may want to rethink that and look into eviction.
She doesn't. I covered the situation in a little more detail on one of my other posts here. I did evict her out of our lives though after she brought the police here as a means to shame/humiliate me, which I know she knew it would do.
Unless she is willing to make changes in her lifestyle, there is NOTHING you can do. If she lives with you, research eviction because in some states you have to have a court order even if the person being evicted is your own child. This may sound harsh, but at this point, all you are doing is enabling her, IF she is living with you.
Thankfully this is not an issue.
You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. My experience, similar to yours, is that right now what you need to do is focus on YOU and the rest of your family.
I know. It's hard to try and basically forget about difficult child's existence, though. How the heck does one do that? I keep going over the events of the past week in my mind....it really hurts like hell.
For me what that meant was putting all my effort into getting over my own enabling patterns and stopping MY behaviors that kept my daughter and I enmeshed in a negative and unhealthy pattern. I changed immensely. She didn't change at all. I had to recognize how powerless I really am to enact change in anyone else. That was a huge process of detachment.
I can try and stop caring about her wasting her life away. It's hard though. It also makes me feel like a failure as a parent....and this is one of the most painful things of it all. I am sure you and these other ladies probably can understand this.
I got myself into a codependency program at a huge HMO which lasted 22 months. I just this week completed it. It changed my life. The program had a monthly meeting with a therapist and weekly therapist run support groups where we learned tools to detach. I also attended CODA 12 step meetings, read a lot of books, kept posting on this site and really listened to what others further a long on the detachment path had to say
I am skeptical by nature and am not sure if any of this is needed for me, or if it would help me at all. Talking to parents like me in similar situations helps a lot, though. It gives me a place to vent and to get the sort of understanding only to be had by others who are going through similar experiences. I am grateful to have found this forum!
I contacted NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness and talked to Social workers there. I learned a lot there too. They offer support groups for parents which are very, very helpful. You can contact them online, they have chapters everywhere. NAMI assisted me in getting together resources which my daughter could have used for getting on either Social Security or disability (giving her an income), receiving therapy, medical insurance, housing, education, medication....even massage and healing opportunities.
It may come to this.
I set it all up........she ignored it all and threw that away too.
Sounds like something difficult child would do too.
You can find out what the options are for your daughter as well. And, you will have to let go if she decides to not do anything to help herself.
I think she needs to hit rock bottom. It may be her only hope for her to see how far she has allowed herself to fall. For some, this is the wake up call they need to gather the strength to come back fighting.
The main goal is to stop enabling your daughter in whatever ways you do. That is not helpful for you or for her.
After last week, I'm finished with her for the forseeable future. Not sure I can ever, ever trust her again.
At her age there is little you can do about her choices until or unless she decides to change and ask for your help.
Before she gets anymore help from me, she's going to need to show hard evidence and physical proof that she had made an effort on her own behalf. Otherwise, it is just another case of her lying through her teeth....something she seems to be rather good at.
Until then, which may or may not happen, you must concentrate on YOUR own life and find ways to fulfill yourself, find your joy and have peace of mind.
Well I'm lucky to have a wonderful husband and adorable little 5yo boy to occupy my time with. My son is the light of my life. He shows signs of being quite the charmer. I can only hope this will remain the case in 15 years lolol. I also have a teenaged stepdaughter who has issues of her own, but she is not lost, yet. In some ways,
she is a lot more like me than my own daughter is.
For me that meant putting all my energy into myself and seeking the support I needed to change so I could let go of my daughter and accept ALL that I cannot change. It is quite a process, she is my only child, it was difficult, which is why I always advocate getting professional help.
It is so hard. Have you ever felt guilt that somehow, how she turned out is your fault? I struggle with this sometimes. Other times, difficult child herself tries to make me feel guilty....and then I just become angry.
All that potential your daughter had is so hard for us to let go of, but the truth is we have no control over it. I am so saddened by the choices my daughter has made and what she in essence threw away, but there is nothing I can do about it, regardless of what her issues are, whether she is mentally ill, lazy, feels superior to to others or whatever, she is who she is and I have had to accept it.
Agree completely. One way I cope is through the use of humor....sometimes it can be rather black lol.
I feel bad for you, I know how hard this is and how much it hurts, believe me.
Thank you. Talking to you and to the other ladies on here is helping me process all of this. It does hurt....a lot.
But you can either pine away for the life your daughter could have had, stay stuck in your sadness and anger or you can move on and recognize exactly what you can do and what you cannot do, what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do..............and move forward and enjoy your life.
This is what I am working on. My husband understands I will go into tirades about all of this at times, though. My stepson is getting married this Sept, and it's going to be very hard for me to pretend to be all into it when my own difficult child is basically-and I mean this to sound harsh for emphatic purposes-a loser. I apologize here if this term offends anyone, but it is, at this time, how I feel. Maybe it will soften over time.....still so angry about it all right now, though.
This is one of the most challenging things we parents can face and yet there is nothing you can do.......................keep posting it helps, seek support, focus on YOU, nurture yourself, do what YOU love and choose joy. I am so sorry you find yourself here, but you can find acceptance which is the ultimate goal.............to accept what you cannot change.
Coming to places like this and finding common ground with other parents who are going through similar things is probably one of my more effective forms of *therapy* lol.
I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. *sigh*