Is there any way to stop this???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by pegasus, Feb 27, 2009.

  1. pegasus

    pegasus New Member

    Hello, I have not been around forever, but now I need advice, my 17 year-old son who is adhd, and most probably on the autism spectrum, his last pyschriatrist thought that was part of the problem. Anyway he has an online girlfriend in Kansas, we live in Ohio is planning to go to Kansas to be with her. He will be 18 in September, this child has the maturity level of maybe a 12 year old does not have job, will not try to get one, and has not literally been out of the house in probaby 3 years, he hates people and wishes they were all dead.
    So how does he think he is going to survive!!! He does not take medications, will not go to any Dr.
    The last time I tried, He was probably 15, he got naked and laid down in the floor and told me no one was going to drag him out of the house. Sorry if this does not make sense, The mental health center here has given up on him.

  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have specific advice about how to stop it, but I will say, take a deep breath and try not to panic just yet... it is only March (almost), and September is aways away. There is a very good chance that his "plan" will change in the next few weeks. I know my Youngest used to come up with these types of plans .. moving here and there, and I finally stopped reacting to them.. .because a week after some big pronouncement, she changed her mind and forgot all about it.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    How exactly does the wizard plan to GET to Kansas?

    Like CiVA said, this obsession may change with time. Any way you can limit his access to this online "friend"?
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    It may not be all bad--perhaps this girlfriend could inspire him to WANT to get help, get straight, get the job and EARN the money to get to Kansas?

    If you responded that you were all for the plan...let's figure out how to make it work in real life--I wonder how he would respond? Maybe he's actually interested? Or maybe you will end uo calling his bluff?

    Just my thoughts...

  5. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Agreed. If you're paying for Internet, and he's refusing treatment, you could always cut off his internet use, or make treatment compliance a condition----"if you REALLY want to be with this girl, you have to see the doctor". If he doesn't leave the house, he's more likely to go along with it, as he can't get the 'net anywhere else. Hmmm.
  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I encourage remembering that this is your house and these privileges are what you provide. Holding the standard that you are requiring is the means to receive the privilege.
    I am so sorry to know that your child is not receiving the help needed for his condition. "giving up" is just going nowhere. I hope you keep looking into what it possible for him and who is available who can and will help.
    Linking internet use and other privileges to the standards you require in your home are meaningful as there are rules everywhere and you are not obligated to indulge him in anything that costs money out of your pocket. In my house until there was a problem internet was not an issue. When that changed, and after caring adults clued me into the idea, I did pull out all the technology and cable and ground my son. Chores, behavior, grades were the conditions and until he was able to not only comply but also take the message to heart that did not change.
    He argued that I could not make him take something to heart."consistency on my part he did. And it was well worth the struggle.
    One thing he said was "when I realized how much effort and how important this was to you I felt differant"
    Part of the process of caring about our children is that we demonstrate what love is. To be there and to care teaches by example that these are important matters.
    I hope this helps.
    Also I required that I was the administrator for the computer that way use is in my control and by my permission. It is under my supervision and located where I can know what is going on at anytime.
  7. pegasus

    pegasus New Member

    I asked him what his plan was, he has another online friend who wants to meet her, he is planning to ride with his friend. Actually I think she is a good influence on him. He is nowhere near as violent as he was. He is taking better care of himself (hygene). He is talking more. We do homeschooling online through ECOT, He tried to con her into do it for him. She told him to do it himself to make him smarter. She is 18 and has a job and is in college. There is good things about this, He has another year of school.
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm with Daisyface, humour him. Try to get to know her yourself if you can, broaden the paths of communication. You may find out more about her that you like (or don't) and it can only help.

    Meanwhile explain to him that if he wants to have the trust and indepndence to get to travel to see her, he needs to build his skills and demonstrate his ability to look after himself and to also be a good house mate. At a certain age, we switched attitudes to our kids, to put them on a flatmate footing. To live outside the home, they need to have the social skills and abilities to live communally. This means learning the rules, following the rules and learning the self-care skills.

    Here are the rules, and EVERYONE under the same roof must follow them:

    1) Tell all other flatmates where you are going and when you will be back. Stick to it. This is common courtesy.

    2) Work as a team - if A announces she is going to the store and B needs something, B can ask A. THis wouldn't be possible if A didn't tell people. But it goes both ways - if B is going to the store, he should also ask, "Does anybody want me to pick up anything?"

    3) Follow house rules - these need to be established by the group for the group. Rules such as whenever you open a packet of something, put it on the shopping list. Whoever does the shopping - anything not purchased should go right back onto the list. Follow any rosters, but they should apply fairly to all. Last one to bed/out the door locks up the house. That sort of thing.

    4) Develop your skills and be useful. Take responsibility for your own washing, your own cleaning, your own meals where possible but in cooperation.

    The way this works - if the difficult child complains about the food, for example, then they have to put up or shut up. That means they're not allowed to complain until they can do it just as well if not better. "Ok, you don't like what I cook on the budget I have and the other constraints - then show me how to do a better job."
    It also is a good idea anyway, to get difficult child to take a turn at meal preparation. This involves choosing a meal (they often love the choice) but it has to be something others will eat, it has to be within the budget, they have to shop for it, prepare it, cook it and serve it. This may need some supervision, but the chef is the difficult child not the parent. It also give the difficult child a good demonstration of why you need to know who will be home for dinner and what time (part of all housemates letting everyone else know their movements).

    A lot of the rebellion you get at this age is from the kid insisting they're an adult now, don't treat me like a kid. Often thiscomplaint is with some basis. But as soon as you begin to trest them like an adult in THIS way, two things can happen:

    1) They realise they're more of akid than they realised; or

    2) they can surprise you and rise to the challenge better than you thought possible.

    It's always worth a try. It's also much easier than trying to clamp down and restrict them further.