Is this bad?

[Abbey]

The thoughts that are going through my head right now are NOT good. Suffice it to say that I hid all the knives.

J got out of prison yesterday and promptly calls H. He tells him that he got put in THIS TIME for drug offenses and parole violations. Gee...never would have expected that.

So, they talk for awhile and of course he says he needs money. I'm sitting across the room with dagger eyes. WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY nor would I give any to him.

Then the ball drops. H suggests that he'll start the proceedings to have his parole changed to WI and he can come live with us. I swear to God, I thought I could have killed the man.

H hangs up and looks at me like...what? So, controlling the volcano that has erupted inside of me I said, "Ya know, H...this is how things are SUPPOSED to work. You are SUPPOSED to at least broach the topic with you WIFE first before you make such a huge decision like that." Then I went down the laundry list of why this just might not be the best choice.

Hmmm...let's see.

He has proven that for the last 16 years that he can't stay off drugs.

He has graduated to armed robbery.

We've been robbed multiple times by his drug 'associates' as he robbed them.

He can't hold a job and is 'above' getting a flipping burgers job. Yeah, that's going to make me REAL happy when I'm up now at 1am to go to a minimum wage job.

We don't physically have a room for him unless you want to give up your precious music studio that you rarely use or the insanely spoiling bird room that you fuss over all the time. (He actually had the nerve to suggest at this point that we put a bed in MY office.)

We don't have money to support another person! Shoot...I didn't even send my own son a birthday present this year.

NO, NO, NO!!! I said if this happens, find a new wife and this time I'm not leaving with just a suitcase. Oh, then you'll be in luck...my office will be bare and you can live in harmony with the kid that has made your life hades for two decades.

H's response? Well, they probably won't grant the state parole change anyways...then he just got up and went about his business.

I think I burned a deep hole in my sofa while sitting there. I think it's a good thing that I'm going to a counseling session this afternoon.

Ok...deep breaths...deep breaths

Abbey

 

[ctmom05]

You have a double-edged problem, H on one side and your son on the other.

There are multiple practical reasons why J can't live with you. Understanding your perspective as I do(my son's in prison)your thought process makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Sounds like your H can compartmentalize and has a short memory....... But knowing how difficult children work it will probably not happen, because they won't work that hard at getting it done. Do you have control of YOUR money? I would make sure it is not available to allow H to send any funds to J. If J would happen to show up at your door I would have a "move out" plan ready for yourself...... I would think WI would be reluctant to allow J into their system without knowing where $$$ would be showing up for fines, etc........ Fingers crossed it doesn't happen.......

 

[Hound dog]

Wow Abbey. I don't think I'd have had the strength to not have at least decked husband. The capacity for male stupidity amazes me. Odds are he told him he could live with you never dreaming they'd let J move his parole.......that way he could be the good guy.

(((hugs)))

 

[busywend]

What a putz!

You will do what you have to do if this becomes reality. But, it bites! Big time!

 

[Mattsmom277]

Deep breaths! No doubt I'd need them to stop me from doing something that likely would have my butt in the female section of the prison J sounds like he's headed back to in no time given his track record.

I hate to sound awful, but your H needs a reality check. His son is NOT the well doing/meaning/living son he might have dreamed of. He's a convicted con, long term drug addict, parolee, repeat offender. Would he rent a room to him if he was taking in a boarder? UH NO. Would he rent a room to him as a boarder, leave valuables accesible, allow drug dealers and criminals to have the home pegged as his official residence, then out of kindness of his heart, hand money over to him and support him rent free, etc? I highly doubt it. Loving his son is part of being a father. Understanding who his son has become is part of living in the real world. Painful realizations certainly, but long overdue.

I do hope you dont have to face this situation being put into practice. At the same time, from my experiences, just the fact that your H went ahead to make this offer and discarded your very realistic fears/worries is enough to damage a marriage. He needs to wake up. Down a great wife and up a career criminal?? He needs to cut the apron strings and put that energy into your marriage.

(((hugs)))

 

[Abbey]

I have been slowly saving a bit of money, but it is a BIT. He has no access to the account nor my computer and it infuriates him. I pay my part of the bills, but hide the rest. It wouldn't last me a few nights in a hotel.

I doubt this will happen. I guess I was just so upset that he made the executive decision to offer this without consulting me first.

Abbey

 

[Star*]

Abbey,

Since you put it here I'm going to just be flat and blunt without getting into semantics. This hasn't been about you for a very long time. There are bouts of "Can I include you in this process?" To bait you along for whatever necessity H needs in his well-thought out life despite what he masks to the world as depression, confusion, or partial moments of clarity so you see the person you love. His actions are NOT random. He is manipulative and does what he wants. Deb be hanged over and over. There won't be any change on his part. Blow your stack, leave - do whatever. He knows you'll come back. Mine did too, until I didn't. Last time I left I didn't come back for 15 years. I got therapy, I got counseling, and now despite a 15 year absence I can honestly tell you the man DOES NOT DESERVE TO SEE ME FROM A MILE AWAY OR EVEN GET TO HEAR A SINGLE BREATH I TAKE.

It's not vindictive. I just know that I am worth (and I can fill in the blank).
At 280 lbs, with my hair falling out, 14 inch ankles, a moustache, acne like a teenager, and size 24 jeans? I WAS WORTH (and I can fill in the blank).

No need to burn the couch, or explode (although I know what you mean). Continue to make a plan, keep your goal in sight, what's going to happen will on his part....and what happens on your plan needs to happen too.

Deb to self - I KNOW I AM WORTH (and fill in the blank)

Hugs & Love -
I love you. Really. Really.
Star

Not...an advocate of divorce - but enough is enough, and when only ONE person is the continual person seeking the ONLY help and the other refuses to see that they "may" have ANY contributing factors to a relationship going South? There is no need to keep working on it. It's kinda like bailing a row boat with a hole in the bottom. You can keep it afloat for a while but eventually you're going to have to jump out and swim and let the ship sink.

 

[gcvmom]

Since you put it here I'm going to just be flat and blunt without getting into semantics.

And THAT is why she is my idol.

Couldn't have said it better... I'd be having the same feelings, too.

 

[muttmeister]

I think Star said it all.

As somebody else said, you have two problems. The one with difficult child may take care of itself. They may not grant him a change of location, especially if you made a point of saying that you do NOT want him living with you.
The problem with your husband will probably not go away as easily. Even if this particular storm blows over, the underlying problem will remain. If you can make him see the problem, there may be hope. If he thinks there is no problem, or that you are the problem, then you may have some big decisions and changes ahead of you.
Good luck.

 

[DammitJanet]

Abbey....has the man forgotten all the things you guys went through all those years ago when I first came on the board? I havent. I remember those posts. Im very sure that there was a whole heck of a lot more that you didnt tell us either. What you did say was horrific. What you had to go through was something no one should have to do. To even think of bringing J back into your home is not sane. Heck, for so long, he wasnt even supposed to know where you lived! Im not even sure why that changed.

No, you arent wrong here. H is wrong. J is old enough to fend for himself. He needs to do this.

 

[Abbey]

At 280 lbs, with my hair falling out, 14 inch ankles, a moustache, acne like a teenager, and size 24 jeans? I WAS WORTH (and I can fill in the blank).

Star, blunt? Who'd have thunk that.


Aww...but you're a loveable one. (You have a mustache? Interesting...I want a photo.)

You know I have a plan, but it is slow in coming. I am committed. I'd just rather not stay in a shelter.

Thanks for all your support during this.

Abbey

 

[KTMom91]

What Star said.

And many, many hugs.

 

[totoro]

What she said and a plastic cover for the couch.

 

[susiestar]

totally what Star said. In big neon lights with fireworks and Cirque de Soleil performing to emphasize it.

I don't know all the details from before. But from what you have said, and have not said, over the years, you will not be safe if H brings J to your home.

Is H aware that he could lose everything, and/or his parents could lose everything, if the authorities ever find that J is selling drugs and using any part of the property to do this or take part in any way in drug sales?

The major problem, the lack of respect for you and the manipulation, well, you know all about that. It hoovers that plans take so long to reach the goal.

I hope you can speed up the plans in some way. If H's parents realize that he has invited J home would they be willing to help you get away financially? You seem to have a good relationship with them.

Many hugs.

 

[Abbey]

It's a tad hard to speed up the plan but it is in the works. You can only make so much money. I'm sure that inlaws would help out, but I have a real problem with asking for something from people, especially money. Yes, I'm stubborn and raised that way. I don't think I've ever taken a dime from my parents.

Only one I can remember is my friend I stayed with for a few months ago who literally forced me to accept his gratitude. It was like dragging a cow to slaughter. He's literally dragging me by the arm into a store to buy me tennis shoes because he wanted to go hiking. Well, I'm an efficient shopper. I was out of there in less than 5 minutes. He's a very generous man and I'm so appreciative, but still uncomfortable with the efforts.

I do have one or two options and will keep them on the back burner, but I'd like to be able to do this myself. German stubborn.

Thanks for the fireworks, Susie!

Abbey

 

[Star*]

One moustache picture..just for you Random.

 

[Hound dog]

Great moustache Star! LOL

Abbey, I too have a plan and am working it. Hopefully by next fall I will have my freedom. If not as a nurse.........then by darn I'll find another way.

Take these husband behaviors as big reminders why you have that plan. That's what I do. And husband has been doing ALOT of reminding me lately. Maybe it's the Big Guy upstair's way of not letting us slip into a comfort zone and forgetting our plan simply because sometimes the familiar is so much easer. (It's not really, but people can fool themselves into thinking it is.)

Maybe a year from now we'll be roomates.

(hugs)

 

[Abbey]

Lovely mustache, Starbie. It looks great on you!!

Daisy...that might be a plan.

Still working on this stuff. Thanks for all your support.

Abbey