Is this still active?

[Reallynow?]

Doesn’t look to be a lot of movement on this board. if anybody here knows of any other resources post them? My 14-year-old was diagnosed with conduct disorder yesterday so it’s all new.

 

[Crayola14]

Yes, the board is still active. Just not a lot of posts.

 

[Deni D]

Hi Reallynow ~ Sorry to read your son/daughter has been diagnosed with conduct disorder. Most of the activity these days is on the parents emeritus board but we all remember too well when things started to go sideways with our children. There is no one on this board working in a capacity as a medical/psychological professional, just mom's and dad's sharing and supporting each other.

I'm not sure what resources you are looking for. Understanding conduct disorder, dealing with psychiatric and therapeutic solutions, school issues? If you could give more info it would be helpful. Also you can search the boards here by using the Search option in the top right hand corner.

Hugs

 

[Copabanana]

There are a couple dozen or so of us long-termers who remain intensely attached to and committed to this forum and to each other. We have a great depth of experience with conduct disorder and other behavioral issues with adult children and younger children. And many others come and go. We have experienced these things at home and school or medically, personally, and sometimes, professionally. We welcome you. Give us a try!

 

[Reallynow?]

Thank you all for your comments. My daughter was just discharged from the psychiatric hospital yesterday and is now in a partial program. She’s 14. she’s been using substances for about six months - marijuana and vaping. That’s what has admitted to. She only admits to the things I already know about.

She’s started to get in trouble at school, skipping classes, etc.. and when I looked at her Chromebook after she was admitted to the psychiatric hospital, I was able to find out a whole lot more that I’m just absolutely floored that my daughter could start getting into. She’s been leaving her room in the middle of the night to meet boys, sexual favors for drugs or even just for fun, sexting strangers etc. she was trying to score some acid. I was so hurt and angry when I found this out- I even had to cancel my visitation with her the following day because I didn’t feel like I could see her. so much time and effort to raise our kids and give them every opportunity we can afford to give them, and they end up shitting on it all.

There is definitely a nature vs nurture thing at play here. I adopted her to foster care when she was just a year old. Her biological mother was 20 when she had her and she was the fifth child. The biological mother is into drugs and is a prostitute. we know this because we keep in touch with the family that adopted two of her siblings live in the same city as the bio Mom . even though my daughter says she resents her, she is following in her bio mom’s footsteps.

I’m having the hardest time, battling some of the feelings I have. I’ve cried in my car before I picked her up because I really didn’t want to have her back in the house. The 11 days that she was in psychiatric hospital gave me a chance to have a little normalcy again. I don’t know who she is anymore- she is definitely not the daughter I thought I had. Attracted to the dark side of life, and my efforts trying to keep her safe now feels futile. I know she is struggling - part of her wants to do good the other part loves to self sabotage. At this point, I don’t know what side will win. That’s up to her, but its not looking great.

But after dedicating, a decade, and a half to giving her the best life I could, I’m still afraid that I just don’t have it in me to do this much longer. And I hate having to say that, but it’s so true. I’m burnt out.

 

[Copabanana]

I adopted her to foster care when she was just a year old. Her biological mother was 20 when she had her and she was the fifth child. The biological mother is into drugs and is a prostitute.

My circumstances are similar. I met my son when he was 22 mos. old. First, he was a foster-adopt child, until I could formally adopt him after parental rights were terminated.

He had a background similar to your daughter. I was a single Mom. We had a relatively easy time until his later teens and then when it was time to grow up, he never did. I never factored in that he would not successfully launch. He was a good child and we had a great relationship.

He has been homeless for the past 10 or 12 years. And using substances. He is not the person I raised. I have had a great deal of heartbreak.

I came here to this forum about 8 years ago. It has helped me immeasurably. My son and I are still in each other's lives. While I pray that my son will change, I no longer expect it. More than this, I know I have no control whatsoever in helping or even supporting his change. It is entirely up to him. The wanting has to come from him.

Now. Your situation is somewhat more complicated because of your daughter's age but not entirely so.

If your daughter had her first year away from you I think it's reasonable to think she had trauma, as did my son. I wouldn't go right off the bat to nature/nurture. But that is just me.

What is unclear is whether your daughter was given a psychiatric diagnosis when she was hospitalized, and what it is. 'I am unclear too whether you're a single Mom or you're sharing the responsibility of parenting.

This is a one-step-at-a-time situation. And if your experience is anything like mine, you're the afflicted person too. All of your feelings are appropriate and normal. It's not your fault. You have a right to feel betrayed. You have a right to want your home to be safe and your haven. You have a right to be afraid of what comes next.

I think you are best served by staying in the present. What I mean by that is to stay neutral. Don't get out ahead of reality. We really don't know what will happen next. A behavioral consultant can help you. With the kind of background your daughter has, was she adopted through the system? If so there are funds to pay for her to get specialized help. A behavioral consultant will work with her and you to tighten up her behavior through strict boundaries and behavioral contingencies. Your daughter needs a great deal of structure and you need support.

If your daughter has a psychiatric diagnosis there is a good chance that the school district will have to help, using an IEP. Beginning in 7th grade my son was able to go to a specialized private school for free and he was transported there. The school district paid.
But we're not there yet.

I really think your daughter's acting out stems not from wanting to act badly or go to the dark side, but internal confusion and suffering that she does not know how to handle. Adoption alone can be very hard on kids. Add to it, deprivation or loss as an infant, and it's a real mess.

You are not expected to handle this yourself. some professionals can pick up the slack. And if she cannot rein it in in your home, it may be that she will require an out of home, setting. How did she do in the psychiatric hospital?

Anyway, I am glad you found us. At this point most of us here are mothers, and most of the people here have been here as long or longer than I have. We have suffered with and supported each other. I hope we can ease your suffering a bit. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[Reallynow?]

What is unclear is whether your daughter was given a psychiatric diagnosis when she was hospitalized, and what it is. 'I am unclear too whether you're a single Mom or you're sharing the responsibility of parenting

First, thank you! I appreciate your reply.

I am a single mother and doing 100% of the parenting. The psychiatric told me conduct disorder, major depression and suicidal ideation, but she left CD off the discharge papers - she did tell me why but I cant recall, but I remember her saying shecwas concerned of negative impacts it could have if it was on her record. She does already have an IEP for learning disabilities and ADHD anyway.

And yes, she was foster-adopt as welland has Medicaid that is helping to pay,

I’m very interested in hearing more about these behavioral consultants. I only know about family therapists, and it was asking for someone who specialize in conduct disorder, and they were saying who works without adolescence should be able to help. This seems too easy of an answer. How would I find out more about the behavioral consultants?

I did call a parent support network when I was at my worst. The woman there was a wonderful help and has gone through the same thing we have. She had suggested that I file away with petition with the police so that I can get services through a DCF program that is set to help families of at risk kids. It also make her accountable for her actions and have to go in front of a judge if she starts doing Illegal activities that gets her in trouble. It’s also a protection for me from someone opening up a DCF file on me because of her actions. Can still happen obviously if I am found negligent somehow, but if they have it filed and everything already backed up, she’s in as a big relief for me.

I am really hoping I’m gonna be able to keep her out of longer term, residential treatment or group homes. The psychiatrist has said a lot of times kids end up worse because of peer exposure to those who are at her level or worse. She did pretty well at the psychiatric hospital- they were fantastic. She’s enjoying the partial. However in both cases part of the problem is she is using the, as an opportunity to make friends and be social rather than actually work on herself.

 

[Copabanana]

but she left CD off the discharge papers - she did tell me why but I cant recall, but I remember her saying shecwas concerned of negative impacts it could have if it was on her record.

She sounds like a good and responsible psychiatrist. We already know she has conduct disorder, which is only a descriptor of the behaviors. Conduct disorder while upsetting and concerning and scary, means nothing. Only that a child is not behaving appropriately. It is no way let us know what is going on. (I am a psychologist.)

Kids can act out depression through their conduct.

services through a DCF program that is set to help families of at risk kids.

This sounds good. If it was me, I would go back to the County where I adopted her, and tell them you need help for intervention and treatment given her potentially life-threatening behaviors and diagnosis. They are obligated to pick up the tab.

It also make her accountable for her actions and have to go in front of a judge

This all sounds good. For your daughter and you. You need to feel and know that there is a path to take, where you are not either her victim or the victim of the situation. You (and anybody) need this to feel you can survive this, whole and intact. Your daughter needs to begin to understand that she is responsible for herself and to act in positive ways. You can't be a shock absorber. Or at least not the only one.
As far as a behavioral consultant why not google it? Or even a search here on this forum.

If I were you I would consider these other things, too. What are her positive interests? For example, if she likes horses, there is Equine Therapy. This can be free. If she likes art, what about art therapy? Music Therapy? These expressive therapies can be a way in. I would try to think about what kinds of things she is good at that can be built upon. She's social. That's good. Are there positive things that she could do socially> That she would do? We have to put our thinking caps on.

I wish I had exposed my son to a spiritual life, but alas, it was too late.

My son and I had a therapist a wonderful man, Dr Bloch. I will tell you what he would tell me over and over again. "Dr. B, (is what he called me.) J would act this way with any mother." What he meant was we need to try with all of our heart and soul to not personalize this. She is not acting against you. She is not betraying you. She is not rejecting you. This is in her. She would do this to any mother.

I send you love and strength. You can do this. You are the best and only mother she will ever have. You can do this. We can do this.
Some people will help.

Another resource is a Regional Children's Hospital. Child Development Program. There may be programs in your community that help with suicidally depressed teens. I would throw resources at her.

 

[Nomad]

I am so sorry. Like the others have said, many of us are now hanging out at the PE Forum, but that doesn't mean there isn't activity here and it doesn't mean that we don't well remember the earlier days.

Our daughter was adopted as an infant. Almost from toddlerhood, I began to notice "differences." By the teenage, years things were truly very difficult with I think her number one problem...impulsivity and very closely related...lack of cause and effect reasoning. She was diagnosis'd with a mood disorder, but I can say her conduct was abysmal. MANY other issues as well and school was a nightmare.

We know someone, whose child I believe is also adopted, with the conduct disorder diagnosis. There is hypersexuality, impulsivity and tremendous oppositional behavior....just for starters. Not exactly the same as my situation, but profoundly similar.

Both of us had great difficult with the school system. One year, I ended up "partially" homeschooling her. She attended the local school for a few classes and did the rest at home. This other family, after many school nightmares, are trying homeschooling this year. They are considering residential tx...I think they are trying this (homeschooling) first.

There was a family many years ago here that described almost the same thing you are describing. Interestingly, she is one of the more successful stories. She does not post regularly at all...so it's very doubtful she will pop up. But, your post reminded me of some things she mentioned. A lot of therapy and fortunately, the "school of hard knocks" in her case worked. Eventually, her daughter got tired of extreme difficulties and learned a trade and is doing well.

Long term residential tx, certainly has the potential to be helpful and fingers crossed you find a good one to your liking. It seems like a very good choice.

There is a wonderful group called "Families Anonymous" that has in person mtgs. as well as on-line mtgs. These folks use like an AA type of structure. We only attended a few mtgs as their location was not near or convenient to us. BUT, just those few mtgs. were super helpful for my husband and I and we really appreciated their literature. I was a big mess the fist mtg. and couldn't even speak...real truth...I spent the first mtg. simply crying....after having experienced probably one of the worst experiences yet with our now adult child. It is helpful for your hurting heart to speak with others who understand. We understand. And having a mtg. like at FA is good too...real live folks...but also sometimes such people can provide ideas directly related to your community. Over the many years, I have found it straining to hold all this in and often felt few truly comprehended what we were going through.

Another potential group is NAMI....a group for the mentally ill and for families of the mentally ill. I personally did not like this one as much, but I know they are good resource for information.

Stay strong and practice maximum self care! It's important. Hope you continue to post. Prayers.

 

[Reallynow?]

Thank you so much! I will most definitely those resources you mentioned.

This has been a very difficult week, and unfortunately we are back in the ER. Earlier today I got great feedback from her therapist. She was o speaker phone so my daughter could hear what she was saying and feel proud.

Long story short, she wanted to spend time with one of the girls who was also a patient with similar substance abuse issues (there is a romantic element to their relationship too, so they developed strong feelings for each other). I said no so she would concentrate on healing and being with healthy people. She got mad and took it out on our puppy. Animal cruelty, throwing things, damaging walls, screaming, crying and finally leaving the house. I called the police. They took her to the ER in an ambulance and asked if I wanted to press charges. Not this time. I just wanted to be able to take a shower for the first time in 5 days (because I’m dealing with this while working full time) so I could come and sit in a plastic hospital chair overnight and wait for her to be evaluated once again.

 

[Reallynow?]

But seriously, how do you find the time to do self care when dealing with a CD kid? I haven’t even been able to shower since she was discharged. Made a point of doing so before coming to the hospital to meet her, since they make me stay as well. I miss the days when she was in the I patient program and so had some semblance of normalcy. I spent time with friends, went to the gym, even dated. This is seriously all-consuming for me as a single mom working full time.

 

[Copabanana]

She got mad and took it out on our puppy.

Oh No!!! What are you going to do? She can't be allowed to do this again. That she needs to understand that she will suffer the consequences, not you, not the puppy, is a bottom line. But more importantly, her reaction may show that she is still fragile, volatile, and has very little impulse control. And that she is not safe at home.

I can't opine what should happen or what you should do, but they need you to consent to send her home. If she is destroying your property and hurting the animal, how can she come home? It is not good for her. It is horrible for you. I think you made the exact right call to say no to the visit with the friend. And her reaction bore that out.

I called the police. T

Good.

Isn't she showing here by her behavior and lack of self-control that your home is not where she belongs right now? Can you and do you want to press the psychiatric hospital to discharge her to an extended treatment facility? When my son went to an out-of-district school on the IEP there was a residential component. The district paid for a taxi to take him every day and back for 45 min. drive each way. But that is not my point. My point is the school district must pay for their part of the costs. That is the law. And the County through which you adopted her needs to pay the residential component if this is what she needs.

If she is not safe in your home for now (and how could you ever be equipped to handle this kind of behavior?) how can she come back, until she is stabilized? I know I am being repetitive here. She may be demonstrating she needs more extended treatment in a higher level of care than at home, for now at least.

I am not talking here about consequences, although they are important. This is what I am saying: Had she been capable of handling home, she would have handled home.

Your interests and your daughter's best interests are not in opposition. They are exactly the same. You need her to be acting in a socialized and appropriate manner. And her welfare requires this, too.

 

[Copabanana]

But seriously, how do you find the time to do self care when dealing with a CD kid?

There are respite workers for parents who have challenged or disabled kids who come into the home. Many years ago I attended an orientation to be trained to do this, or maybe I needed respite, I don't remember, but I know it was a thing in the county in which I lived.

This is another bullet point to put in your list of services and support that you and your daughter need. She is not safe to be alone. That seems to be a reality. You can't and can't be expected to sacrifice your life to provide custodial care for a child who is out of control and in danger, who destroys property and hurts pets.

She seems to be requiring round-the-clock custodial care. That is a reality. You need services and she needs treatment. Until she is stabilized and there is a SYSTEM OF CARE in place to support her and you, how can she come home? NOBODY COULD DO THIS.

 

[Reallynow?]

Your interests and your daughter's best interests are not in opposition. They are exactly the same. You need her to be acting in a socialized and appropriate manner. And her welfare requires this, too.

Your whole post- Such a powerful reply! Exactly what I needed to hear. The police did ask if I wanted to file charges. Maybe I should? I don’t know enough about any of this to make a decision on this. But man, you hit it right on the head about if she was able to handle home, she’d handle home. This is not the only thing either since she came home Monday- so wow, I needed this wake up call!

 

[Copabanana]

I am really hoping I’m gonna be able to keep her out of longer term, residential treatment or group homes. The psychiatrist has said a lot of times kids end up worse because of peer exposure to those who are at her level or worse.

I am only paying attention to this part, now, after reading your posts a second time. But I am tired.
I can understand why one part of you would want to keep her out of residential treatment. In our experience, here on the board, what we learn is we have minimal or no control over what happens to our kids. They are in control. Now, your situation is somewhat different because she is under 18 and you can take steps that parents of adult children can't. But the reality is the reality.
And the reality is that you're only one person.
What are other realities?
Bottom line, you need to be whole, sane, and functional to parent.
You need help.
Your daughter's behavior and choices will always trump yours. She is in charge because she can and will do whatever she wants and she is not playing with a full deck. And you cannot stop her. She is demonstrating that.

 

[Reallynow?]

She seems to be requiring round-the-clock custodial care. That is a reality. You need services and she needs treatment. Until she is stabilized and there is a SYSTEM OF CARE in place to support her and you, how can she come home? NOBODY COULD DO THIS

Thank you. I am beginning to see the light

 

[Copabanana]

When my son went to the behavioral schools (at that point is issues were ADHD, anxiety, and vulnerability) he was in no way influenced by the other kids to do bad things. On the contrary. These were very enriched settings with excellent supervision. In the first one, as I said, there were children who lived there. Many were your daughter's age. I never worried that my son would be hurt by treatment, and I don't believe he ever was.

 

[Copabanana]

The police did ask if I wanted to file charges. Maybe I should? I don’t know enough about any of this to make a decision on this.

There should be a juvenile police officer (handling juveniles, not that they're immature) in your community. Maybe you can talk to them to help you make a decision.

 

[Reallynow?]

When my son went to the behavioral schools (at that point is issues were ADHD, anxiety, and vulnerability) he was in no way influenced by the other kids to do bad things. On the contrary. These were very enriched settings with excellent supervision. In the first one, as I said, there were children who lived there. Many were your daughter's age. I never worried that my son would be hurt by treatment, and I don't believe he ever was.

I am actively looking into them now. I won’t send her to just any place, but there is definitely a lot of powerful truth in your earlier statements about what she needs and what realistically I can provide - the chasm between the two is just too big to overcome, given our current situation.

 

[Crayola14]

One of the main difficulties for you is doing all this alone. You mentioned you’re a single mom. That is making this whole situation harder than it already is. I definitely understand why you cannot find time for self care.

Ask your insurance company about telehealth counseling for yourself if you don’t have time to actually go see a therapist. I think getting counseling for yourself might help with your anxiety and frustration. A counselor can also help you see that there is only so much you can do to help your daughter. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you’ve done all you can do. So much of this is beyond your control.