It gets even worse

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Aug 29, 2010.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    difficult child decided he was going to run away. I called police. They told him to work it out with me. They are filing report of ungovernable child. Family court. difficult child gets a jivie probation officer and drug tests.

    Any advice on what to do there?

    People have told me difficult child has girlfriend. 16. Dropout. Had sex recently and her mom caught them. Mom didn't care. Mom thinks they should get married.

    girlfriend was arrested recently for underage drinking. My difficult child goes to pick up her mother to bail her out cause mom is too drunk to drive.

    difficult child denies everything but finally admitted she is his girlfriend.

    I called girlfriend mom as well as adults at three other places he says he will go for shelter. Told all if he is on their property, he is a runaway and if anyone helps him, I will get cops on them too.

    I have his cell phone. Have changed passwords to emails, facebook, my space as well as his way to recover passwords.

    I know he can see her even though. I know if it isn't this girl, then another will be along. However a little time out may help him think more clearly.

    Going to high school tomorrow to tell counselor that if he isn't there, I wa t to be notified immediately.

    Thank God he won't be 18 until June, maybe just maybe he will grow up a tiny bit by then.

    I appreciate all your reponses on the other thread very much. I am reading each several times to ensure I get any ideas which may help!!!
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Well, the good news is that if he gets married he is a legal adult and you can get him out of the house immediately and you owe him NO further support of any kind, including not having to let him take any of YOUR possessions like furniture, game systems, etc...

    I wondered if the promises of good grades, job, chores if I can just see my friends and have my cell wasn't the first part of some plan to fool you. You gave him at least a day's chance on that promise.

    Do you WANT him to live at home?

    There is little you can do if he is determined to do drugs, to be with this girl, to have sex, etc... From what others post, even having a PO isn't much help. the POs usually give them a LOT of chances before they even take them in front of a judge to see if they can put them into juvie for a while. Largely because nobody has the $$ to fund it, and it isn't helpful if the teen is determined to do this koi anyway.

    Take time to stop and THINK. what are you still willing to do for him, given what he seems to want for himself (life of drugs, easy sex and partying)? Are you willing to continue to let him drive a vehicle you pay for? To pay for his insurance? If not, disable the car that is for his use, be very clear that you will report it stolen (if you will follow through), and make plans to sell the car or store it off-site if you want to keep it for a younger sibling or in case you need it at some point. Be SURE to ask if a cop will bring a drug dog to search it for you. Explain that it is your teen's car and has been taken away because the teen is using drugs, and you want to be SURE there are no drugs in it before you try to drive it, store it or sell it. Even a SEED of marijuana will get you charged. It is best to be proactive and to have all drug charges stay with your son.

    fwiw, if you want to store it and have a clear title, consider pawning it for a few hundred dollars. They will store it for 3 mos, keep it in the shape you turned it over, and you will pay about 10% per month, so if you pawn it for $200 that is 20 per month, cheaper than any secured storage I know of!!! You can be SURE that your difficult child will NOT be able to get it either, at least not as long as you hang on to the pawn ticket. If he can find the pawn ticket he CAN get it, so don't store it at home!!! Of course it still won't be in his name, so you can still file theft charges if he takes it.

    Much of what he wants to do the cops are not going to get too upset about other than the drugs and any theft you report. He is almost 18 and your control is already much less than it was even a year ago. The ONLY way he will not have sex or use drugs is if HE makes the choice. It is your job to make those choices as unpleasant as possible by removing any possible nice/fun things and possessions that you provide over and above the bare minimum required by law. Sadly if he chooses to go live elsewhere you may be able to get cops to file charges against the adult there (I would sure try if it allowed drugs or was otherwise unsafe) but even that may take a huge amt of effort on your part.

    He is almost an adult and there are actually states that will allow him to move out if he wants, you just cannot kick him out. If he chooses to move out you do NOT have to give him any kind of support, from what I know. Be sure to check that.

    Is coming down super hard going to mean you never have a good relationship as an adult? I cannot say. My kids would be shocked and likely feel neglected if they tried those things and I didn't, but I have always told them to expect it and at this point they are all pcs. Your difficult child has to find his bottom and learn how hard the world really is with-o you to pave the way for him.

  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Guidance counselor confirms she has heard the same things I have heard (he's having sex with 16 yr old with her mom's approval, etc.) She says I was doing the right thing.

    difficult child came in while we were talking. All he wants to talk about is seeing his friends again. We both know it means that girl. And if all the fools he is hanging with, tis a matter of time before he is on drugs, arrested, etc.

    Called Family Court. What a joke. He suggested I put him in counseling and/or LINC classes (anger mgt., etc.)

    Called our old therapist to see when she could see me/us.
  4. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Susie, Thanks for your time and wise words. Yes, I want him to live at home. I think that gives him the greatest chance of success. Yes, I think he is only giving me empty promises and/or lies right now.

    I know my span of control is small and getting smaller. But, I don't have to finance any of the behaviors I do not approve of.

    I cannot legally kick him out and I will not do so. However, if he leaves, I will call the Police. I will have anyone who helps him charged if I can find a way to make that happen.

    I'm trying to walk a line where he knows if he improves, then good things come back into his life. However, his contact with this girl isn't an option. His contact with druggies is off the table. I am well aware he can find new idiots to hang out with.

    In the meantime, difficult child has to bring f's and d's up to c's. Chances of that happening aren't great.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope that you are successful. Just be sure to follow through on everything you say you will do. Probation probably won't be much help, but it might help, you never know.

    How do you intend to keep him away from the girl? In some states neither of them needs parental consent to get married, in others she might but he likely will not. Isn't THAT scary.

    Though you don't want him with the girl, consider buying a big box of condoms and keeping them in the bathroom. Some stds are for life, others ARE life sentences.

    Many hugs!
  6. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Family court was a joke. He told me I could come get ordered to counseling and classes. That's all. Don't even have to go there.

    I cannot totally keep him from the girl. They only met six weeks ago. Her myspace page is covered with messages from guys. She will find someone new, if she hasn't already. He, on the other hand, is in love. I just hope a time out, coupled with hearing what a lot of others think, including his best friend, will help him clear his head. difficult child's best friend contacted me today and asked to meet me tomorrow. He is worried.

    I think the getting married is the idiot mom. She believes my difficult child can straighten out her difficult child. Also, I think she believes I may financially help out. Not a chance. She is living in a two bed trailer where her 18 yr old son shares a bedroom with her 16 yr old daughter.

    I am not wavering. I know he will try to wiggle out.

    And, yes, I agree about the condoms. Thank you. Will be handled tomorrow.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Chances are that she would be in BIG trouble if child services was alerted to the fact that her 18yo son and 16yo daughter were sleeping in the same bedroom. Very very few things get child services interested when the children are 16 and 18, but the possibility of incest is one of them. in my opinion because the living situation and mom's attitude toward sex, incest is already happening. It is also criminal.

    Good luck with all of this. If he marries her it will be a HUGE mistake, even if he buys her a gazillion things.
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Susiestar, you are brilliant. Have a call into a friend who works for Child Services in another county to ask her inside advice.

    difficult child won't have any cash to buy her anything if they marry as he hasn't worked a day in his life. He will leave with clothing. Period.

    difficult child's best friend (for many years) actually contacted me today. Wanted to meet because he is so worried about him. Really upright guy. Told me everything I had been told was true. We are working together for difficult child's best interest.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I doubt seriously you get far with any agencies with kids these ages. Just a sad fact of life. I tried to call and get an adult in trouble for giving booze to my 15 year old who was on mood stabilizers and AP's and they just laughed at me. I even tried to call the ATF and they shot me down.

    I think the only thing you can try to do is keep the cell phone on for him so he can call you and you can track his whereabouts - maybe get gps installed, disable his car, and hope he graduates. Maybe if you start liking this girl he will start hating her?
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    LOL - this works on mine!! The one boy she dated that I really liked, she blew off (and he still wants to date her!) The guys I have HATED, she adored. Go figure! I thought about doing this with her room too. Maybe if I tell her to keep it a mess, she will keep it clean! LOL
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sure there were some parents out there that absolutely were appalled when they found out their adorable, precious, perfect daughters were "dating" my son. LOL. I had no clue why they were either to tell you the truth.

    This was back when he was about 17/18 years old, HS drop out, no job, nothing going for him except he was cute. He'd even been in trouble with the law. But he would get these college girls...some juniors and seniors who would come pick him up from the house and pay for dates (and have sex with him). Danged if I know why. There was no long term relationships. Just a date or two but plenty of them. I guess its that good girls love bad boys thing. I was