it goes on and on

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mollyzuzu, Jul 6, 2017.

  1. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    HI there, my son has just been diagnosed bipolar and autistic recently at state mental hospital. He is adopted from Ukriane, got him when he was 3.5 yearss and he is now 15.5 years. Has been counseling since age 6 for adhd, odd, and the other sorts of alphabets.

    I just am feeling so down right now. Pitty party, gotta pull my boot straps up. Also have another son, turns 16 today, also Aspie, high finctioning, sports guy, honor roll.

    My younger son, the one with the issues (most) he had a friend come over last week from the hospital. Long story short, after the friend left, son is high on pot the entire weekend. Wanted to do family stuff, but he was so stoned, what's the sense, and then other son went over to his friends house.

    My son was even so brazen to smoke the pot IN MY HOUSE in his room!! and then deny it, caught red handed. Told us he didn't have naymore when we demanded the rest. Well, for the next few days, kept smelling the wonderful order coming from his room, didn't have anymore each time. Finally, I wanted to test him to se if he could listen to directions, told him not to smoke "in" the house, outside would be doable, as long as I didn't see him. Lo and behold , the very next day, he was smoking outside not inside, which was nice. But then where did the wexcuse, there is no more go? Am I expecting too much? I guess so because the trauma specialist we are having come to the house told me that things could be alot worse. Which I know things could be alot worse, but I dont want the things that I do have. sigh...........

    Nobody invited us over for the 4th, we didn't go anywhere for the 4th, nobody realy wants to come over to our house. I have become so isolated it isn't funny. Other son is on Varsity basketball and football, want to go to games. Becasue young son cannot stay at home alone, needs to be dragged along and boy does he make it clear he doesnt want to be there. But both my husband and I want to be there. Varsity son has worked hard to get there and we want to see him play.

    I am just afraid of how all this is going to go. I don't want to lose my marriage, house, job, other son. As it is, there are no friends and little family in the picture. I find it hard to even concentrate on things, all I can think of is how to fix this kid and how to help him and nothing seems to be working. He is a good kid for the mnost part, his biggest issue is all he wants to do is drugs. He has no other things to do. I am afraid to let him go into the neighborhood for fear of what he will do. He is good about goig on his bike and coming back in 45 minutes.

    I just wished I could know that this will wind up on a positvie note and he is able to live on his own. My husband and I really need to get things back together, has been a rocky 3-4 years since son has been going off the deep end.

    I don't even know where I am going iwth this post. I am just rather sad today and feeling sorry for myself. I want to be able to do things without worrying about junior.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I think you posted because you feel alone and are looking for support and wanting to know you are not alone! You are not alone!

    True it COULD be worse BUT it can GET worse!!

    Right now it sounds like your son is running the house. We went through that also but I did not have this forum when he was 15 so I did not know what the hell was going on. You are way ahead of the game by being able to come here and post for advice and read what others have done that works or does not work.

    My son started out with marijuana but moved on to much harder drugs. Here we are and he's almost 22. You can see by my signature that is has been a long road for us.

    If my son had just smoked a little weed and did everything else he was supposed to do, we would have been okay with it. However that was NOT the case. For him it was a gateway drug.

    My advice is since your son is not doing anything else that is productive, he should not be allowed to smoke weed inside OR outside. I would take all his "stuff" away and remove the door from his room. He does not get privacy in YOUR home when he is not following your rules.

    I would recommend that you (and husband if he'll go) see a therapist to possibly help you deal with him as you say this has been going on for years and it sounds like he has all the "gene" cards stacked against him. You could be in for a long and bumpy ride.

    We did everything under the sun to help our son and I don't know if any of it made a difference. I do hope that you can get a handle on this and not continue to let it run your life. I'm not saying you will have the issues we had and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but it's good advice in any case. Don't be afraid to get him mad. Too bad if he's mad. That is one thing I would have done differently if it were me. I don't know if it would have made a difference though.
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The first three years are very important to development and attachment and is the mental health and addiction issues in childs birth family. DNA matters. You mayor may not know anything about that. I know three years in an orphanage has to have affected him.

    Can he change? Will he change? Hard tp guess. I have adopted a few kids. Three are great, altjough one did drugs for a while butnis doing great at 34. One whom we adopted at age 6 who lived in an orphanage said "bye" and never returned. He did not use drugs,,,just not attached. One was ado0ted at 11 and too dangerous to keep living in a family.

    Your son sounds mild right now althougj I never allowed my daughter to smoke even cigarettes in the house. We swept her room regularly and tjrew out anything we found,veven cigarettes. At 19 we made her leave and she quit her horrible lifestyle and became the great young woman she is today.

    Is your other son also adopted? If not maybe adopted son resents a birthchild his age that is doing so well. At any rate all you can do is keep trying. The future is a mystery.

    Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift! Enjoy every good moment. Therspy csn help. Sounds like you and hub could maybe benefot from marital counseling.
  4. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    THANK YOU THANK YOU. Lots of validation here, and yes I feel totally alone even with hubby. Son is adopted, both bio's parents had alcohol issues, not sure of drug issues. I am seeing a therapist to help me out, hubby "does not need one" so does not go. I WISHED we could toss evertyhting out of his room, but according to the trauma specialist, we need to come half way with him, and I guess that means letting him smoke "outside" at least if not inside. Gee as soon as I told him not to smoke inside and if he smokes outside, whatever, gee he listended to that. No more smoke in the house. He "tells me" that he is only going to do pot and not go on to heavier stuff. I think that is bull hockey, but "we gotta meet half way".

    Yes, he is VERY jealous of our natural son, just 4 months older that is Asperger, gets A's and B's, high honor roll, on Varsity football and basketball this year, liked by lots of kids, but does not have many close friends because of the aspergers. adopted son says he will NEVER be as good as him and the other kid says that he can help him learn how to be like him, adopted one storms off.

    We are not walking on egg shells so much any longer. But the kid just does not want to talk to anyone or do anything. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do. BUT he does know he wants to smoke pot and that only. He is having medications changed to help him with high anxiety and bipolar. So far, they seem to be helping. He says no, but I think they are.

    I have been finding lighters in his room, I want to take them away, but agian the therapists say no more taking away, talk to him and tell him why you feel it is bad for him and then he will learn.... yeah right. we are trying that, we'll see if it works. The therapist that came over last week, AODA hit me below the belt when she saw sports son's calendar up on the kitchen door, handmade by me 3 months ago with all his practices, games and workouts so I know when he needs to be where. She asked when adopted son starts shchool and I had to tell her I need to find out, as he is at an alternative shcool and he was only there for 2 weeks before they let out for summer. She asked then about sports son and I told her his first day of school and when poictures were, she said "see?" Maybe if you knew a little bit more about adopted son and paid more attention to him, he would feel like he belongs. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. He belongs, it's just he doesn't do anything that needs a calendar for. Iknow what she is saying and I just stood there with me mouth open catching flies. I said I would try harder. All for HIM. Yes a bit of testiness there. I have been trying so hard to engage him, but he doesn't WANT to, so what am I supposed to do?! and yes maybe he doesn't want to because I spend so much time with sprots son at games, which he and we HAVE WORKED SO HARD to get him to where he is and I wouldlike to see the fruits of his labor.

    So, thank you once again and yes, I will use this sight for support and help.

    Have a wonderful day
  5. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    RN4401, what are benzos? Wow, your kiddo has been into alot and sounds like my little one just starting out. I do believe pot is going to be gateway, but cannot stop it, am trying, but told by therapists I shouldn;t he has to make his own decisions. Have you paid for all the rehabs and IOP's out of pocket, I cannot imagine the cost of that. We have state insurance for the lttle one and he was in State mental hospital for 4 months, have not received nay billng, yet. He was just there from Jan to May. How can I get him into rehabs and IOP? His AODA therapist does not or will not push for IOP with him, he needs to ask for it and will not.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Benzos are "downers" that my son was subscribed for his anxiety. He was prescribed Klonopin which I had no knowledge of knowing it was addictive and could be abused. I was very naive. He started to abuse immediately and the doctor knew and kept prescribing and like an idiot (and against my husband's judgement) I kept getting it refilled. I trusted the psychiatrist. I know he helped a lot of people because I'd talk to them in the waiting room. He was very well liked.

    If your son is on any type of medication and smoking weed or drinking, the medications will not work properly. My son took the benzos with weed and sometimes alcohol. I was trying to please my son and thought the doctor knew best. It was a very confusing time for me. I have come so far.

    Your therapist sounds a bit off to me but I guess you have to try what he/she says. I think you think it's a bit off too. They don't make good decisions about all that at his age. If they are adults, then YES I agree with that statement.

    We did pay some for his rehabs when he was a minor but we do have very good insurance. I don't think it helped him then but we felt we HAD to do something. Looking back it was probably more for us than him BUT it did educate him and us on drugs, drug abuse, addiction etc. We were green on all of it. Plus it gave us a break when he was away. I was always hopeful.

    When we were at the end of our ropes and he was on a binge again after a good period of time of being sober (he was 20) we told him rehab or go find another place to live. He likes nice things and the comforts of home so he went to rehab and afterward I found a sober living in southern Florida for him. We have a condo in Fort Myers so it seemed like a good idea and I still think it was a good idea. He is 2.5 hours away from our condo. He has had some relapses there but we just keep pushing him forward. What else can we do?

    We are much happier with him away because I couldn't live like that anymore. Always wondering if he was high or not. Sometimes KNOWING he was high. Stealing money, checks, credit cards, car. The trust was GONE.

    He is a wonderful person though and one of my favorite people. Yes he has an addiction but only HE can chose at the age of 21 if he wants to stop feeding it. At some point "the buck stops here". That's where I am with him.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would get new therapists. They arent helping your son one bit to tell you to let him do whatever he wants so that you dont hurt his feelings. I have three adopted kids and never allowed anything illegal in my house and they turned out good. I think the therapist is ridiculous.

    If son is upset about birthson, i recommend an ADOPTION therapist, maybe who works with an adoption agency. Most therapists dont have enough experience with adopted children to understand how to address their unique issues.

    One of my adoptions that did not go well was when we twin-aged my biological son with a charming, handsome boy his age from Asia. It was a nightmare. They hated each other and competed nonstop. Adopted son ended up leaving the family when he married. I wish social workers would step in and advice against adopting a child the same age as other children already in the house.

    When I speak of my successful adopted kids, I am talking about three others.
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  8. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    HI, can't get new thearapists, the AODA is through the county social workers and the Trauma therapist is hired through the county. I guess it is not so much let him do what he wants because it will hurt his feelings, but let him be more indpendant to build up self confidence and trust. I had him "so pinned" down a year ago, he couldn't smeeze without me knowing it. I could not trust one move he made, but watching him constantly just really did a number on the both of us. Now, hubby and I are supposed to "talk" things our with him, so we can build up trust and safety which seems to be working ever so slowly. BUT, I do not agree with the smoking of pot either inside or outside of my house, I just wasn't raised that way. And the therapist mentality, is come half way, he is going to do it anyway, so let him do it outside. My thoughts are, well, if the cops catch him, well then it's up to Juvy. Not pleasant, but a reality. It is giving son choices and giving him the indpendance he so much wants.

    I cannot give him a phone or computer access, he will sit there and search porn and drugs for hours. He has found a way to go through the xbox to converse with friends and I think he can get online too somehow. If he would only use his inginuity for productive things.

    He had been seeing adoption counselors, but he WONT TALK, just sits there. We had gone to one for almost two years, she finally threw up her hands and referred us to another colleague, which he WONT TALK TO AT ALL and won't even go to.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have done all you can then. In two years, when he is 18, you will have more options.

    Take care !!
  10. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    I just wished there was something that I can do to help him, really for real. But I think it has to come from him as well, right? He just doesn't seem to want to be involved with anything. If he could only get out of this depressive funk that he is in.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Although he is a minor, he is old enough that you cant help him if he wont talk to anyone and if he insists on smoking pot all the time. You have done all you can without his cooperation.
  12. seek

    seek Member

    I don't have any advice but wonder if you have tried other, non-traditional therapies for him - like bodywork or acupuncture?

    I had one difficult teen who responded really well to acupuncture. It made a huge, positive impact on her behavior and development.

    There are so many things that can help these days - from healthy diet to essential oils (diffuse calming oils in house, etc.) . . .
  13. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I would not be okay with him smoking weed in the house. I told Ferb that as long as it is illegal in my state, he has to go do it elsewhere. I refuse to jeopardize my daughter for his illegal activities. He spends a lot of time going away, but he is not drunk or high at our house. Now that he is 18, I would kick him out for that.
  14. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    Who is paying for this pot ??

    Don't give him any money if that is what he spends it on.

    He should get a job if he wants to buy that stuff...that will give him something to do.

    That therapist is wrong. It's your house your rules. He can smoke off the property. His choice.

    I'm sorry that you can't switch therapists for your son. But you can get therapy for you with someone who will understand this situation. You need someone to empower you and give a second opinion ! Take care.
  15. seek

    seek Member

    Cigarettes are legal in every state, but I wouldn't let anyone smoke in my house.

    This is a boundary issue: Your boundaries and what YOU want in YOUR house.

    The therapist seems to be your son's advocate - and is definitely not thinking of you or your preferences or concerns.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Seek, i am just like you. Nobody is allowed to smoke anything in my space, and that includes my property. For a while my adopted from Asia daughter used drugs and smoked cigarettes. She was a minor in my house and not folliwing the rules so I went through her purse and room to try to find out if she was doing aything dangerous. I found cigarettes a lot and always took them and threw them out. Even though she always used the excuse "I am holding them for a fried" I just told her cigarettes were not allowed on our property for any reason. This included all adults, family or not, although this daughter was the only one who smoked.

    Eventually she quit cigarettes and meth, cocaine etc.

    I dont think it is too controlling to restrict smoking of anything to doing it all off your property. I would do it whether a therapist advised it or not. It is my house.

    Therapists offer their opinions. Therapy is not an exact science. A lot is opinion. I take what I need and leave the rest.
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  17. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Why would therapist back up an illegal drug? Is she thinking it's hopeless and hopes he's arrested? This confuses me?? Doesn't it mAke you in a dangerous situation?
  18. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    Aye carumba,,, and it goes on....Yes, I agree the therapists are for him and looking out for him, that is their job. sigh.... I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE WEED part at all, maybe I could give our local police the heads up when he is out and about?

    Today, found my wallet dishevled and I think I am missing money. Credit card was moved and hubby checked XBOX. He has been wanting Gol LIVE, but we told him he needs to earn it. He bought XBOX live and two games. Guess it could have been worse, but stilll... did he take the money to go buy more Pot? Not sure, but will find out when he comes home from camp I guess soon.

    I just dont like how we need to let him do these things with no consequences. Consequeneces dont' work anyway, so I guess that may be areason, but NOTHING WORKS, nothing!!! It is so frustrating. so i am just rather throwing up my arms and saying oh well, I'll just stay home and keep him home the rest of my life to keep him and society out of trouble, ay ye yye, The kid only wants to get high and do drugs. Anything we try to suggest or do with him, he says he will think aobut it and then never gets back to us. And if we make him do something he always looks so miserable and asks when it is going to be done or over.

    I needed to go to urgent cars for a tetanus shot on Friday and he needed to come along, we were gone a whopping 65 minutes and he was complaining. Now mind you, I have spent countless hors in the ER and the hospital with his little princeness, but that will never matter now will it?

    He willnot be smokiing in the house ever again, and until he gives me the money he took from my waller, I am holding his lighters ransome
  19. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    Heard back from the trauma therapist after I emailed concerning this. He said that it is a "wonderful" opportunity to teach him trust. I should find some sort of working opportunity and work with him to pay off the expense of the offense, should not yell at him or scold him, just explain to him how it was wrong to go into my wallet. sighhhh. This is so difficult sometimes. So now "I " get to do time with son to pay off his duty. Yay. don't get me wrong, I don't mind spending time with him, but this kid is only good for up to 45 minutes tops at a shot and then he is done, this could take a bit of injinuity. And to top things off, he goes to court on Friday for an offense of smoking pot in school way back in October and harboring an old cigar in his sock on school grounds. Looking at a $900 fine plus who knows what else, probably communtiy srevice, which I will need to find for him to do and I will have to take him and I will need to make sure he is safe and I will need to make sure he gets the time completed. I hate "I" statments. LOL..........
  20. seek

    seek Member

    Take good care of yourself. I feel for you. At least you still have your sense of humor! I lost mine during all of the drama and trauma and am just now getting it back!