Jealous of DHs business trip overseas...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by kattriss, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. kattriss

    kattriss Odds are forever in my favor...

    So my husband is leaving for Greece on business, and I am jealous beyond belief. I hate feeling this way, but every time he leaves for business he is usually visiting a place on my bucket list that I will probably never get to see. Especially now that a good chunk of our income is going to therapy, medications, etc for our difficult child. And the thing that ticks me off the most is that he isn't even excited about going and "claims" that he isn't planning to do any sightseeing. Seriously? Last time he claimed he wouldn't do any sightseeing, I was treated to a FB photo of him standing in front of the Virgin Galactic spaceport (my inner nerd wanted to beat him senseless).

    And forget the fact that I'm stuck at home, homeschooling two kids, taking care of the house and pets, cleaning up mess after mess, and trying to keep my difficult child in line while being screamed and cursed at. Forget the fact that I'm the one who will have to monitor her after tonight's medication increase and walk on eggshells hoping that she won't have a major mood swing as a result. Forget the fact that I've had to rearrange my schedule for this last minute trip or that my semester at work begins next week while he is still away. And forget the fact that I never get to go anywhere without the kids except places I DON'T want to go. (Note the sarcasm in previous paragraph)

    And of course, we got into an argument about it tonight because he was "tired of me teasing/harping/complaining." Well of course I'm complaining! It's not like we don't have a daughter at home recently diagnosed with a mental illness or anything. Not like I'm not already exhausted and stressed. It's not like I should have to put my entire life on hold while he's away enjoying quiet evenings, 4-star hotels, and Mediterranean breezes.

    His response? "Well you're going to a convention in NYC this spring." Yeah, I'm chaperoning eight 20-something's in a city I have never had any desire to visit and will have to watch them like hawks to make sure no one gets drunk or raped or worse. Yes, what a vacation. Yay. Can't wait.

    His next response was that we go on vacations all the time. Yeah, to the same places I've been visiting since I was born...and I can't say that going home for Christmas is much of a vacation. I've never even left the eastern seaboard...sigh.

    Am I being selfish or unreasonable in being jealous? Anyone else deal with this?
  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Kattriss

    Just responding to your post which made me happy because I've found a kindred spirit and cross because it reminded me of my own crummy feelings. My husband is a professor and goes away on 'jollies' regularly. I know exactly how you feel. It's complicated more with us because I am step-mother to his 10 year old and, much as I love her, it's not right that he goes all over the world 'working' while I'm stuck here looking after his daughter. We have regular fall-outs over this, particularly as when we were dating he used to say about how this was a perk of his job and how academics always arrange conferences in great places because the main point of them is the chance to go sightseeing after the 'work' is done. Now he tries to say that it's not a fun trip and that he has to go to work. I'm pretty cynical as you can imagine. The only way I deal with it is that I now go away on my own on a trip whenever he announces that he's off somewhere. I arrange to go away for a few days when he gets back and he's left to deal with arranging childcare for his daughter or taking her to work with him. Sorry I can't tell you that everything's great, because it does cause grief in our marriage, but if you want to carry on then I would suggest that you do something for yourself and let him deal with it. You have to have a balance in your marriage because this sort of thing can eat away at your relationship. I know. As I told my husband last September "you swanning off to Greece and me staying here stuck looking after your daughter isn't a marriage - it's just a load of :censored2: - so we either get some balance in our marriage or I'm off." I last disappeared for 4 days in October and he took his daughter in to work with him. He's off to Croatia for some 'hard work' (yeah right), in April and I'm going to book a 3 day trip away for myself in May. Feel free to rant to me as much as you like. x
  3. kattriss

    kattriss Odds are forever in my favor...

    Thanks for sharing your story Lucy. While I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it is nice to know that I'm not alone. He tells me all the time that I should go do something for myself...plan a girls weekend and go on a cruise or to the beach for a few days. Oh how I wish it was that simple! My best girlfriends are scattered across the country and have jobs/lives/kids of their own and though we have tried to plan things, we usually can't get the same span of time off.

    One thing I did tell him this time around is that I want to go to Ireland in the summer (which we've talked about for years, but something always comes up). It never seems to bother him that we rarely take trips together without the kids. While I love my daughters, once in awhile I would like for my husband to take the initiative and plan a getaway for just the two of us...sigh. And whenever I ask if I can tag along on one of his trips, the answer is usually no because of money or the nature of the work he's doing won't allow for non-personnel to accompany him.

    As for your husband, I wish I worked at a school that allowed me to travel to exciting places. Some would say that NYC is exciting, but I'm definitely not a big city girl and it only seems like torture. Add to that the fact that I'm chaperoning and not really there to do anything but keep the students in line...well I do that every day with my easy child and difficult child. I also don't have much of a support system where I live except my inlaws, and they have never been too excited to take the kids for more than a day. Sad, I know.

    As for husband, I know he feels bad when he has to leave. I get that it's his job and that he really has no choice. I just feel a bit abandoned and under appreciated. Maybe I'll engage in a little shopping therapy while he is away...if I can manage to get two minutes to myself, that is. It usually becomes open season on mommy while daddy is away which doesn't make things any easier.

    Hugs and good luck to you and your family. I guess we can dream and hope for a day when this business travel nonsense is behind us, right?

  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I don't think you are being selfish. I think it's completely understandable. I'd be SO upset if my husband went to a place on my bucket list and I was stuck at home. By the same token, it's not actually his fault he goes these places...he doesn't pick them, right?

    But I was jealous of my husband taking a deer hunting trip for a weekend! So I do understand. Sometimes you just want to be the one going and him taking care of the rest.

    Go alone! Really, you think you'd be bored, but I took two nice vacations alone before I got married and it's FUN. You go where you want, do what you want. Even sitting on a beach with a book and a cocktail, is SO much better than being home!
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  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I go on my own. I take a good guide book and a good novel to read and enjoy pleasing myself for a few days. Just go for it!

    Well what are you waiting for then? It'll do him good to cope with the kids on his own too. He'll probably miss you loads and appreciate you more and you'll have a great time and life's struggles won't seem so bad when you get back.
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It would different if you didn't have kids and could join him but you do and trying to find someone to watch the kids especially when you have a difficult child, well we all know that's not going to work.

    I would so be doing this. He has given you the green light. I totally agree with Lucy.

  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    My husband travels with the Army for training and things. Thankfully he usually winds up somewhere that no one wants to go. :) not war zones but military posts that have nothing to do.

    I get jealous because he is getting that down time I'm not. The one time I went somewhere for work I decompressed enough for a whole year in two weeks. It was amazing
  8. kattriss

    kattriss Odds are forever in my favor...

    Thanks everyone. I'm considering planning something for the end of May with my girlfriends. I hate having to wait that long, but work won't allow me to take off until the end of the semester.

    And I agree...a week at the beach or somewhere quiet is usually enough for me to decompress for a year. I think that this particular trip hit me hard mainly because I just spent the past year finishing my grad thesis and working crazy hours, then all heck broke loose with difficult child. I haven't had a break and haven't had a chance to celebrate all that I accomplished last year...not even a date night.

    husband promised that we will go somewhere nice when he gets back though.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree that how you feel is totally understandable. Sheesh. Of course. And, I also vote for you taking him up on a trip for you.

    Have you ever gone to a spa for a weekend? Man, I love that kind of thing and you can definitely do that alone. All you do is get pampered it's wonderful. That may be an option when your girlfriends can't make it, or even if they can. I went to one with 2 girlfriends for a week and it was amazingly restful and nurturing AND healthy.

    My best girlfriend is a real animal person and last spring she went to a dude ranch alone, and rode out to see the wild horses.....she still talks about it, she had a great time. Here in CA. they have retreats you can go to for a weekend, a week, however long you want.....some are geared to health, some adventure, or meditation/rest, study, you name it, there is a retreat for it.

    You've sure had a lot on your plate this last year, you deserve some time away to celebrate your accomplishments!
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I understand.
    The hard part is getting someone to watch the kids. It's not like you can hire just anyone. Or even a regular relative. They have no idea what they're getting into.
    Years ago, we both traveled to Scotland when Rotary International had their yearly event in Glasgow. Great fun. We found reliable people to keep the kids. Not an easy task!
    Now-days, mostly, my husband travels short distances and times to places that would not interest me. Right now he's in Md for a training and I'm not interested. However, last year he went to a chiropractic event at the Homestead in VA, and I wanted to go. They get cheaper rates because of the large group, so we can afford it. I went horseback riding, and then came back and drank champagne in the lobby and read a novel. Soooo fun! We met at about 6:30 ea night when different vendors had cocktails, and then husband and I went for dinner after that.
    This summer I'm going to Minn (Mpls) to an art therapy event where Temple Grandin is the main speaker. My daughter can get school credit and asked if I wanted to go along. Are you kidding!? YES!
    Plus, I know all of my old school friends in Minn, all the shops, and a few scattered relatives.

    husband went to Honduras 15 years ago on a mission trip. I had no desire to go with him. Poverty, sadness, disease, deformity, lack of food and clothing ... While the main group teaches the alphabet, songs, prayer groups and math, I'd be out hunting the criminal parents who sent their kids out to live on the street. Nope, not for me.
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    My husband went on trips a lot, but they weren't out of the country. I ended up going on a fair amount of them, especially when the kids got older. I would hire a sitter and then have relatives or good friends "check" on them regularly. Hopefully, when your kids are older, if it is a truly outstanding trip, you could do something like this. Also, don't hesitate to go on any trips made available to you that you get out of the house and have fun. And, think about planning a trip for a big anniversary together. Our son + a difficult child were a handful and we have very very few relatives. When they were teens, we ended up in counseling. The weird thing is that we got along fairly well, but we were under constant stress. The first thing the counselor said was to go on a vacation. We booked a cruise for something like 8 days. I had a good friend watch our two children for 4 days and then they were transferred to a cousin for the remaining four days. And I had another friend check in on them the entire time, offering advice and any help, especially with reference to difficult child. It took a great amount of planning. After that, I started to go on some of the trips he took here and there. We saw them as actually a somewhat economical vacation, since his flight and the hotel room was paid for. We would plan for them.