Just a thought: It is so much less busy now than it used to be here.

[BusynMember]

Flower, naw, when youre up all night with a young kid or the child is hurting your other kids its the same. It was not so long ago.
Either the board dynamic is too geared toward adults or they found other internet resources. I have a very difficlt granddaughter and my sleepless daughter and the babys father are beside themselves with worry. I think she may have a high functioning form of autism although her speech is advanced and she is very smart.

My daughter spends days on the internet looking for resources and has found many, but nothing brought her here, not even my telling her about it. Her comment was, "not many people are posting,"

Parents with difficult children are distraught. These are their precious babies and they know somethings not right. Also, I dont know what you mean about parents having 20 kids. You lost me there. The average family has two kids. I am not talking about a normal child who whines and gets her way. Im talking about disordered children who are different.

Anyhow I will strongly agree to disagree that parents of disruptive kids just put up with it. No parent can deal with a screaming toddler who is crying for no reason you can figure out for an hour at a time and cries so hard she throws up. Not buying it. I do agree the board dynamic has changed thoigh.

 

[New Leaf]

I hope that the FOO-threads remain, as of use to others pointing to the possibility that they might travel there too.

I hope the same. Even if folks are not posting in FOO, they are still viewing.

As you are saying Serenity, the board started out to help young children, but apparently, it has evolved and grown into a multifaceted soft place for battle weary parents.

This is the way I found CD six months ago.

Although our children have grown and are adults, we are still their parents.

No matter what a child's age, if parents have unresolved FOO issues and are able to work through them on the forum, or recognize the need to, will they not perhaps become better people through working to resolve old wounds, and thus, better parents?

I hope the FOO forum stays, it has some very valuable information there. I was helped tremendously early on reading through older threads in FOO. That helped me recognize that I had issues that I needed to work through. Stuff cropped up that made me wonder in the blaming stage I went through, if it was me, because of issues I had from growing up.

Working through that was really important.

I see what you are saying SWOT, you are missing the way things were when you first came on board. I am sorry that it has changed too much, and parents of younger children are not posting as often.

I must say that posting here has helped me so much and I value the members, old and new as well as the staff. I do not know what I would have done. I cannot afford therapy.

I can think of a few new members in SA as well as PE, who are posting now. Though it may not be as busy as before, I think if this forum helps a few people, or many, it is still helping people. There is no price can be put on that.

It was very lively in all forums and not everyone posted with long answers and perfect grammar. But in my opinion it was better for most back then. And many more were willing to chance a post.

I am also very sorry if my style of posting has offended anyone. I am more on the dramatic side and that is just me. I can be long "winded" too, and hope I have not scared people off with my style of venting, or responding.

I have to tell you, I am a bit saddened by this. I thought that I had come to a place where I could be me. As you know, I am more than a wee bit "out there" at times, but it is truly who I am........I have not held back and perhaps have been wrong to do so here.

I apologize again if I have offended anybody, I am truly thankful for the help I have received.

I do not feel I can be anybody else than who I am, so if my posting my true feelings, or the length, correct spelling, or grammar (well geez, I am not that good at grammar, but I do check my spelling most times, those red squiggly lines drive me batty.....) and what, how, etc. has caused anyone any problems with posting, or joining, I would rather not continue.

I don't know if I have offended anyone, I have not received any messages to that note, but am concerned (as you can tell).




I have learned so much here from the kind folks who have posted and replied and I value deeply the lessons and opportunity to be here.

What helped me the very most in stopping the craziness of enabling.........

is learning and believing, that I must be true to myself.

Much love, thanks and apologies......



leafy

 

[BusynMember]

Why can't you be you? I post long...lol. I post novels...lol.

I do think the board is no longer balanced and am sorry about that and it is far less busy, but things change for a reason too. I do think social media is one big reason. Some who were here now use that.

Well, I said my piece and am done. Have a good night to all.

 

[New Leaf]

Why can't you be you? I post long...lol. I post novels...lol.

I do think the board is no longer balanced and am sorry about that and it is far less busy, but things change for a reason too. I do think social media is one big reason. Some who were here now use that.

Well, I said my piece and am done. Have a good night to all.

I guess some of the commentary struck a chord with me SWOT and I said to myself, Omg, that's me, long winded and quirky. I think some people might read my stuff and say geez, what the heck is that all about.
I do go off into tangents and poems and rambling. I am still working through all of this, some very deep feelings and my heart is on my sleeve at times. You know the ups and downs of it all. Today is kind of down day for me. Anyways, I do think this forum has tremendous value and would hate to think that me being me could prevent someone from joining.
I would be deeply saddened.
Thank you for the discussion. I like your "novels" and think you have very valuable information to share across the board.

I hope that the challenges with your precious granddaughter are resolved and am sorry your daughter did not want to post here.
Wishing you a restful sleep and peaceful dreams,
(((hugs)))
leafy

 

[MyFriendKita]

I haven't read all of the posts, but FWIW, I was one of those who used to post a long time ago (under a different name--I lost all of my login info during one of the board updates). My son is almost 28, and I came to this board when he was almost 16. I credit this group for the fact that I was able to get my son the help he needed when none of the "professionals" were much help at all. I trusted the judgement and experience of this group of parents far more than I trusted my son's mental health team. He is doing well now (still a PITA as far as his attitude, but he's working at a good job that he likes, paying his bills, and making a life for himself). However, I very rarely post any more. It seemed to me that a very vocal minority began to treat anyone who didn't agree with them horribly in the name of, "telling it like it is" and "tough love." They were especially hard on newcomers. That was not the atmosphere on the board when I first came here. It truly was, "a soft place to land." It doesn't seem that way to me these days, and it hasn't for awhile. I've seen even long-time members attacked when they offered an opposing point of view. On any subject. It seemed like somewhere along the way a small group decided the "right" way to parent, and anyone who disagreed was shouted down. Or worse. After years of fighting with a Difficult Child I didn't have it in me to continue a fight I had no stake in. I'm sure I haven't been missed, lol.

 

[New Leaf]

It seemed like somewhere along the way a small group decided the "right" way to parent, and anyone who disagreed was shouted down.

Ouch, that is horrible. I have only been here six months and have not seen that happen, thank goodness. Lord knows it is hard enough dealing with our kids issues to have to worry about being attacked.

I'm sure I haven't been missed, lol.

I disagree (not attacking, LOL) I think that is what SWOT is writing about. Thank you for sharing and hope you come back to check in again.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[BusynMember]

Leafie, thank you for good wishes. I think my grand will get help and do well but right now it is very hard on princess when she has one of her fits. She is so sensory sensitive (grand) and I think that often sets her off. Well be ok. Been there/done that.

Leafie, you could never hurt anyone. I was thinking of myself, and what I probably do wrong, when I talked about long posts.

And to myfriendkita so much truth there and I have been guilty of every one of your very good points. Partly, im not sure how to be so gentle with parents who alliw adult children to slap them around in many ways. I have much more gentkeness toward parents of children who can not behave. I miss posting about those innocent ones.

I do have to say that adult parents such as the very bright Suzir and IC and others have made me agree that even adult children may do best with different types of handling. The woman with a s hizophrenic son who got some "tough love ay help him" posts really jolted me. Instead of blaming the horrific system, pretend a schizophrenic can figure it out?

I had to rethink everything. The fact is, tough love wont help somebody with schizophrenia and there is no help. Period. Its a tragedy. It is beyond him to help himself... he is too mentally not there. It is not his mothers fault either. He is dangerous. There is not much to do here but hold the family close to our hearts. Cant treat a schizophrenic like a depressive or drug addict and expect the same results.

And finalli I realize that some parents do feel they have to take care of even their violent abusive drug addicted forty year old "child." If that is the only way they can live with themselves, is it my place to tell them not to do it? I feel I can say I wouldnt do it, but some would rather die than not totally take of even the most criminal adult child and thsts up to them.

Lots to think about and I have been. fYI my graddaughter prompted my old memories of such great feedback for young kids...then I remembered how busy, busy this site us ed to be and its not anymore.

So those are just my thoughts of late.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh yeah. I think "general" no longer is a suitable title for minor children. Its not explanatory. I think something like behavior problems from infancy to 17 may be better??
General in my opinion is confusing.

 

[runawaybunny]

My observations. I registered here as a member after stumbling upon this community while struggling to find a way to help my child in 2006. I drifted away for a while searching for my previous posts to discover a message from the forum owner that this community was being shut down due to hosting costs and a drop off in activity.

At that time my posts had all been deleted. The admin policy at that time was to delete everything in the database that had not been judged to be valuable enough to be "archived". Everything else was to be deleted. None of what I had posted here after spending a lot of time and effort were considered valuable enough to be "archived". Had I of known that each of my posts made in earnest were to be judged for their value I would not have ever posted here. Thousands of posts were deleted. That practice stopped when I bought this site to prevent it from being shut down. That was in early 2007.

Fast forward to today. Social media is the thing now. If anyone cares about boosting this site's activity then post links from our site on social media somewhere. More importantly please continue to protect your privacy because that is and will be a concern as a parents. Our children's well being are our first priority. This site may or may not be relevant to parents in the future. I know for sure it was a sanity saver for me when I was all alone and I will do what I can to keep this online.

 

[Copabanana]

MFK, this was a courageous and very wise post.

I was one who posted constantly baring my soul and examining my whole life. It is a minor miracle that I felt welcome here, and for the most part, safe, for almost one whole year. I have grown in confidence and I have grown as a person.

Each of us while unified in having difficult child children, come here as different people with different needs, and different motivations and modus operandi. That it works as well as it does is truly amazing.

That said, I would feel cowardly if I did not say that a part of my reticence to post as much was similar to what MFK cited. But not all.

This site saved my life. It served the greatest of needs. I was accepted and supported.

Everything that follows does not in any way diminish this essential truth.

It seemed to me that a very vocal minority began to treat anyone who didn't agree with them horribly in the name of, "telling it like it is"

I learned a great deal here. Detaching was extremely important to me. Having the support to do so was essential. Hands on instruction, modeling how to do it and what to say helped me.

But a line can be crossed into judgment, in believing that we know the other person's circumstance and child, or divine them, and can even ascribe motivations to them, and denounce posters, based upon our own experience which by definition is limited. Or to believe we know the truth. And to say it. About anything that comes into our minds. No matter what the consequence.

Even if we have not read in entirety the post, sometimes. Each of us is responsible.

I've seen even long-time members attacked when they offered an opposing point of view.

The utility of this forum was to be able to tell the truth, when nobody else could hear it or even wanted to.

How could it be helpful that ones vulnerability be sought out, to be made wrong, for somebody to build themselves up or discharge their own negativity, however human that would be? To not remember boundaries or to take responsibility for ones conduct and contribution. Is that helpful or constructive?

We are all of us, responsible.

Of course people would move on. Would someone want to stay where their words of vulnerability or tentative seeking to find their way, a way, were used by others to their own self-serving ends? Maybe this is human nature.

Of course it is. How could a place like this not entail all of it--the soaring and the small. How tremendously this site worked for me.

Maybe all of this post is a love letter, after the affair has ended. A great love, over but not lost.

It seemed like somewhere along the way a small group decided the "right" way to parent

anyone who disagreed was shouted down

To me, it is more that a few parents may have decided that they knew best for all, or even knew all, not keeping in mind they did not know anybody beyond their own situation or immediate surroundings. To believe one knows best can be a hurtful thing. On the other hand, being direct and honest is necessary. How else does one learn?

To me this site has been a place to come with doubt, not knowing one thing, having lost all certainty and direction. And then finding it. Within oneself.

My experience here has been great. I have learned so much.

Thank you all.

Copa

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you Runawaybunny, CD is my sanity saver too. I am sorry all of your posts were deleted, that is a darn shame. I truly appreciate you keeping this forum going.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

At that time my posts had all been deleted

That is horrible, RB. To me, every post here is valuable in itself. It is like the alphabet. Who can say that c is more valuable that x, when all of the letters together in infinite recombination make our language? That is why we all need each other in all of our varied experience, viewpoints, successes and failures. Our happiness and our pain.

No one person or point of view is better or worse, right or wrong. If there has been value in this thread it is this, to me. Coming to this.

That practice stopped when I bought this site to prevent it from being shut down. That was in early 2007.

RB. You are the unsung hero who carries this. It is a completely no-win endeavor except for the result which is that through this site we carry our burdens each of us less heavily, more joyfully, and perhaps with greater wisdom and acceptance of ourselves, our children and our lives. What could be more important than that?

And think of it! We come from across the globe. We, all of us, with probably nothing in common but our troubles. And we somehow manage to hang together and be together and keep trying together. What a remarkable and entirely human success!

Thank you RB.

COPA

 

[savior no more]

Although I am new, this is the only place I found that didn't make me feel like a horrible parent. I post in PE because this is the place where it fit. I wish I had known about this site when my child was younger - I could have been here since 1999 if that was the case. If I in fact had those issues today with another young one, I might just have to shoot myself in the head.( just kidding - but not really - a true sign of the PTSD and depression I experience by having a life consumed of raising my child). I'm not sure I could embrace Gift from God as I would get into a tailspin of anger at God.
When my child was that young I was on message boards of alternative vitamin therapy and Bipolar children. All were helpful and this one has been a blessing. What I do appreciate is varying viewpoints and being given the respect and freedom to explore and choose what seems right at the time.

 

[ksm]

I found this site about 5 years ago. It has been a help to me, a place to vent without people who know my daughter finding out how difficult our lives are at times. Once I found out that her struggles were related to FASD, I searched on facebook for a couple of FB pages about oarenting kids with FASD.

I like those FB pages - but worry about privacy issues, so I just read and maybe respond to others, but I don't post personal things there.

I appreciate this site. KSM

 

[RN0441]

RB thanks for saving this site!! I had wondered the history of the site. I found it years ago when my son was originally diagnosed with Conduct Disorder; which at the time freaked me out but I found out it was the least of my worries.

I hear your concerns MFK; I feel that the advice here is a good balance. A soft place to land but, also (speaking mainly for myself) sometimes we need to hear it straight and hear it tough; sometimes we are wishy-washy as moms and we need to be "shook" to wake up a bit and see our situation from another perspective right??

This site helped me find the strength inside me to get our lives on track and not sure what the magical mix was but for us it worked and we're forever grateful to all of you!!

 

[Nomad]

This very topic came up another board I have been going to regularly (well, on and off) for about ten years.

I personally think it is mostly social media influence, which I do not fully understand.

I'm deeply conflicted about much that I see in FB, for example. People sharing too much, petty behavior, extreme narcissism, etc.

I know I'm spending too much time there myself, but folks in their twenties seem to be there every waking moment.

Surely, it changes the amount of free time people have.

There were (are) many times I got very good advice here and /or comfort. I am appreciative of that and the anonymity as well. Horrible trade off...I think.

 

[nlj]

I used to post a lot more that I do now. That's when I was LucyJ. The PE forum saved my sanity and saved my relationship with my son. One of the reasons I no longer post so much is that I am now able to manage my feelings about him in a positive way and that is due to all the fantastic advice (and tough talking) that I had on here from the 'old crowd' - Recoveringenabler, Echolette, Childofmine, Cedar, Albatross, Pasages, MWM, etc.

The only thing that used to put me off posting or responding was the overly-religious nature of some posts. I never wanted to be prayed for. That wasn't useful to me. In fact it made me switch off. I wanted to read of others' experiences and soak up their practical advice.

I don't think social media is replacing the service that this site offers in any way. It's not the same thing.

Personally, although I have a lot of issues with my mother, I did feel that the FOO forum was dominated by a few members and maybe was a bit of a clique, so never felt able to post much there - that's just the feeling that I had, I don't mean to criticise, just being honest about how I felt about it.

Another thought I had is that maybe posts could be limited in length in some way, maybe by having a cut-off after a certain number of words. I find myself skimming through the really long posts, maybe others do this also. This seems to be a new thing, I don't remember such long posts in previous years. When I'm having a bad day I haven't got the energy to read through them.

Well, that's just my thoughts...

xx

 

[InsaneCdn]

Another thought I had is that maybe posts could be limited in length in some way, maybe by having a cut-off after a certain number of words. I find myself skimming through the really long posts, maybe others do this also. This seems to be a new thing, I don't remember such long posts in previous years. When I'm having a bad day I haven't got the energy to read through them.

If I remember right, the old version of the format had some sort of limit. I don't think it was set by the administrator, more likely a design constraint. But yes... forcing a bit of brevity is probably a good thing sometimes.

 

[Copabanana]

I did feel that the FOO forum was dominated by a few members and maybe was a bit of a clique, so never felt able to post much there

I hear what nlj is saying. FOO was started because 3 of us had already covered a lot of ground on a couple of earlier threads. While it was the greatest of gifts, I see that the nature of a forum is public, like a newspaper, not a relationship. That relationships did develop was unavoidable given the disclosure and the trust that ensued. I can see now that developing relationship to the degree that occurred while not inappropriate, was not the purpose of this kind of place that is inclusive and open.

Maybe with the conversation that is occurring now, FOO can become what the intention was from the beginning. An open place to communicate and to explore.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Some of us still felt free to chime in a bit on FOO. But it wasn't (and still isn't) my journey, so I wasn't as concerned about whether I belonged or not.