Just a thought: It is so much less busy now than it used to be here.

[New Leaf]

New Leaf I happen to really like your posts and comments on my posts. At least I can say you have really helped me. Please, by all means, post away!

Thank you CB, that's really sweet of you.
I hope you are feeling better. Just a couple more days now........
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm so thankful for RB for saving this forum. I've been around 12 years. One thing that I think used to build a lot of community but people stopped doing was the morning thread. When I first came here, it was nice to connect with other moms about the troubles but also nice to just connect on the morning thread and hear about what people were doing for the day. I know when I joined it made me feel even more connected to others here.

 

[Nomad]

I don't mind long posts, but I do admit, I primarily mean this when it is on a thread that I started. If it is a long post on someone else's thread, I will often just peruse it. The exception might be if the original poster has a similar concern as myself. I like the idea of self monitoring. Probably not ideal to have lots of long posts, because it would create ultra long threads and I know myself and likely others might end up finding a lot of this tedious. Generally speaking, I think if someone has a lot of good information and/ or experience and /or has put a lot of thought into a particular topic, a long post now and then is perfectly fine and appropriate. It's hard because especially for us old timers (on board or with older Difficult Child) we've seen a lot of these posts or have experienced similar things and might have a lot of potential good input. Again, one has to give each situation some thought.

 

[Copabanana]

very few of their parents, whether they had difficult kids or easy kids, really raised their kids or care what they did, as long as it didnt affect them. They, to me, put a higher value on working than being with their kids.

I respect the right to have personal opinions. I do not take personally what is said. I do question making judgments of parents who one does not know, in circumstances one does not know. One has no way of knowing what was in those parents hearts or in their heads. This is inference based on prejudices, assuming that what one thinks or does or has done is the best. That one knows better, knowing really nothing much at all about the individual circumstance or people.

As far as I know the academic research can support one view or the other.

We all have ideas about what constitutes good parenting. But to put in a post on a public forum, ones own judgment that parents who work may not care about their children, may put higher value on themselves and on working than their children, knowing that the majority of people reading your words, do work, to me is not the kindest choice.

 

[KTMom91]

I'd forgotten about the good morning thread. I used to enjoy it so much; just a few minutes every weekday to connect with your friends and see what the day holds for them. By the time I got to it, all the East Coasters were halfway through their day!

 

[GoingNorth]

I didn't post to the GM thread very often because I was still working when it was at its peak. I got home just as folks were waking up, ate dinner, and went to bed.

But, by the time I woke up, it was well past morning. I certainly did get a lot of enjoyment out of reading the thread every day. I'd like to see about bringing it back. Might be worth a try.

 

[New Leaf]

I

CB, that was a really short post.......
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

FOO can become what the intention was from the beginning. An open place to communicate and to explore.

I am the noobie on the FOO forum and was welcomed there, I also saw a few people post as well and others were encouraged to explore there, too.
When reviewing the first posts on FOO a few members posted then moved on while three stayed and delved very deeply into their pasts. Other members chimed in here and there.
I am very grateful for the help I received exploring FOO.

I can see now that developing relationship to the degree that occurred while not inappropriate, was not the purpose of this kind of place that is inclusive and open.

I think anywhere there is a group of people, some will naturally gravitate to one another. Kindred spirits.
I think some are close to those who became members around the same time.....others, because their stories are so similar... there are many reasons why people would form bonds here.

I have felt safe to post here and share heartache and joy. Marveled at people's resilience and strength. Found hope when reading of others d cs progressing. Remembered how it felt when I first came here, as new ones post for the first time.

I am truly appreciative to all of the kind folks here who have helped me on this hard, hard journey.
Thank you all so very much
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Nomad]

Agree. Being kind and non judgmental is vitally important. Like many, probably most, I was a bit "raw," when I showed up here. I got a lot of good advice. But one person, who thankfully doesn't post anymore, was unkind and harsh with me. Because of this, I almost stopped coming.

 

[beam-me-up]

I am new here and very grateful I found you all. You are a lovely group of warm, welcoming and courageous people, generous with your experience and your support. Even so, I do not know if this is the right group for me.

If it is worth anything, here is my observation.

My problem child is still early teens. My second child is only 12. The posts in the PE board make heartbreaking, terrifying reading but they are not what I need right now. In fact, at this stage of my journey, in reading these experiences I am afraid that if my Difficult Child is diagnosed with a real conduct disorder, then her future is likely to be very bleak and there seems to be little I can do.

I am not at a point in my life where I could consider going No Contact - even if I wanted to. That is not an option no mater how wild it gets. I think what I need are suggestions and recommendations about what does work. How you deflate a situation when it starts to get out of hand. How you approached the subject of your child's disorder for the first time with family or neighbours. What do I say to my neighbours when they hear glass crashing an screaming coming from my house and ask if anyone got hurt?

The stories in PE are so BIG. I guess what I am saying is, what are the small steps' The daily routines that just help you get through the day and get everything back on keel as soon as possible after a rage?

I wonder if many posting in PE, started in General and have 'graduated' to PE as their teen children progressed? If so, then you will have felt the way I feel now, so horrified at the prospect of what lies ahead, confused about what it all means, afraid to do the wrong thing and totally lost about what I can do to help my little family get through this.

I think a lot of people find this forum the way I did. By searching for things like teen rage, is my kid bipolar, etc. If that is the case, like me they will stick around and read all the posts looking for anything that might help in the now. Today. When she starts menacing us all again.

Here is an example. When she rages she invades my body space. Comes right up in my face with her eyes flat and scary as all hell. I am determined not to show that I am afraid so I do not give ground and I glare back at her. Is this the right thing to do. I don't want to appear weak but maybe I should be dropping my eyes and making myself small?

Maybe there is not one answer, but knowing what has worked for you in the middle of a meltdown would be so very helpful.

I truly hope I have not offended anyone by saying any of this. You have made me welcome and helped me every time I posted.

 

[New Leaf]

Agree. Being kind and non judgmental is vitally important. Like many, probably most, I was a bit "raw," when I showed up here. I got a lot of good advice. But one person, who thankfully doesn't post anymore, was unkind and harsh with me. Because of this, I almost stopped coming.

Oh boy can I relate, Nomad. I am still dealing with my twos choices, trying hard to rebuild myself. Some days are a bit rougher than others. It is like a chafing of the spirit, that raw feeling.
We all have our unique stories and are in different places along this journey. Different experiences, circumstances, family dynamics, it all factors in to how we are able to navigate the path, and be mindful of others in our responses.
I believe kindness, compassion and understanding build bridges, more so than thinking we have the "right" solution. I can be guilty of this, even posting when things are particularly difficult and not being mindful enough. I guess what I am trying to convey is that a lot of us are going through a roller coaster of emotions, so it is important to see the person and the intention behind the post and/or response. Maybe some will come across as harsh because of what they are dealing with at the time of responding. We are all on a very rough journey when it comes to our beloveds, the choices and consequences they suffer, and in turn we suffer and have to work through.

Some have said they cannot or choose not to self-monitor.

I am reflecting on this and I do agree that self monitoring is important. Maybe it boils down to longer posts on our own threads? I don't know. I guess for me, I like to write and can get carried away, especially when responding to posts that strike up old familiar feelings. Then, too, sometimes I wake up in the wee hours of the morning (like this morning 1:30 aaaarrrggghh) with so many thoughts about this journey. So, responding to posts is cathartic for me, I am working through my own path, reflecting and writing to myself as well. Thank you Copa, yes, self monitoring is important. Empathy, fellow feeling, trying to write with the other persons sensitivities and needs in mind. I really like the guidelines for posting in the PE forum, there are good suggestions there.
I am glad you stayed, Nomad, I think everyone here has so much to contribute. Each and every nuance and difference in personality and the stories shared make up a beautiful quilt to wrap us up in the warmth of fellowship and healing.
In the silence of the morning hours, I am thankful to be able to have this site to come to. Though I do not wish the challenges upon anyone that bring folks here, I see so much compassion in what is shared.
For me, that, above all else shines through.
It is a beacon of light in the darkest times.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Nomad]

Thank you Leafy. Ironically, some of what that person said I think, in the end, I would agree with today. Not all of it, but some of it. But, I was in so much emotional pain, it was almost cruel to stomp on some very raw emotions.

Beam me up...thank you for that good info. I can see where the PE forum would be almost intimidating. I think many here have an almost tough love approach for adult children over 18 and certainly for those over 21. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. Sometimes it applies in my situation, other times it doesn't.

I certainly think it might be helpful especially for parents of
young children and teens to hear of helpful ways they have worked with their Difficult Child and enjoyed successful outcomes. (True for older ones too, but maybe more so for younger ones!) It's been a long time for me at this point, but I know we had enjoyed some success with certain classroom accommodations, some doctors, some medications, some parenting techniques and so forth. Hang in there!

 

[BusynMember]

Beam me up, please believe that the PE kids are in the minority of adult kids, which is partly what makes it so hard for those who are there. My daughter did meth. But she was not a problem as a young child. I believe my own bad parenting choices contributed to it. I new she was shy yet me and hub mived to another state while the poor thing was still in middle school, which greatly affected her. There is more.

Also, I have an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum son who was told there was no hope for him who is thriving as sn adult. Nobody even can tell he is still on the spectrum.

I did not read PE when I was still in general. Part of that is probably that General was filled with posts that were more relevant to my situation.

Perhaps it would be best for you not to focus on PE stories now? Only you know that.

Try not to worry about the future because you really cant predict it...and do try to have a peaceful day.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Beam-me-up, thank you so very much for sharing your point of view. I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your daughter.

In fact, at this stage of my journey, in reading these experiences I am afraid that if my Difficult Child is diagnosed with a real conduct disorder, then her future is likely to be very bleak and there seems to be little I can do.

I can understand how reading SA, or PE threads can be very frightening for you. My thoughts are that you have an opportunity to help your daughter. If I could turn back the hands of time, I think I would have taken my two to a counselor, tried to delve a little deeper into the whys and whats. They acted out here and there, I thought it was teen angst. At this point, I do not know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Did they act out due to pot use (because now I do know they experimented) or was it other issues?
Shoulda, coulda, woulda, you know?

I truly hope I have not offended anyone by saying any of this. You have made me welcome and helped me every time I posted.

I am glad that you shared what you would like to find here regarding coping skills and how it is hard to read threads in PE, that no contact is not an option for you (of course not!!!). I do not take offense at your response, I think it is great.

Maybe there is not one answer, but knowing what has worked for you in the middle of a meltdown would be so very helpful.

See, this is a tough one. I am sorry you go through this. I think remaining calm is important, but oh so very hard to do!
Please do not let the stories in PE frighten you, some of us are going through worst case scenarios, it is a sort of "awfullizing" for you to project this for your daughter. It does not mean that this is where your daughter is headed. What it means is that you have some time now to try to find solutions for her, and you.
I am glad you found us Beam-me-up and shared your thoughts here.

Maybe the other forums would benefit from a guidelines thread like the one in PE?

I think what I need are suggestions and recommendations about what does work. How you deflate a situation when it starts to get out of hand. How you approached the subject of your child's disorder for the first time with family or neighbours. What do I say to my neighbours when they hear glass crashing an screaming coming from my house and ask if anyone got hurt?

I think the questions you asked here are a good start. I do not post too often in General, because my two are older. I wish I had found CD back then......that written, I think you have a wonderful opportunity here to find some answers to your questions, and also contribute to the forum with your own experience.
Thank you for being here and sharing.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[BusynMember]

Oh yeah. Beam me up, my granddaughter isnt even two yet and has scary rages. I sent my daughter "the explosive child" by ross greene and she called yesterday, halfway through it, to say it has already helped her deal with this sweet toddler who needs parental help regulating her emotions. This book used to be a must read for parents on General. I highly recommend it.

I started on General and started this thread because there is little traffic on General today, which I feel is sad. It used to be a hopping, great forum but times change, I guess. But that book was almost always a recommend. Its cheap and on Amazon. Maybe give it a try? It is very different from most parenting books.

Hugs!!!

 

[AnnieO]

beam-me-up, trust me, EVERYTHING you do has some effect. My lovely Belle was 13 when I arrived here. The rages, the lying, the violence, later the drugs... It was over-the-top frightening, and I am of course her stepmother. But due to many issues her father and I were the ones who had to deal with it. It was VERY scary. But today, she's on her own, making normal mistakes for a 21-year-old, expecting her first child, and she is a bright ray of sunshine to me. It's nearly a complete 180 from those dark days. So believe me when I say that you do the best you can, and there is ALWAYS hope.

I won't say we don't have our tragedies, but we must try.

SomewhereOutThere... I saw you post about Sonic and I wondered! LOL

I, too, would love to re-read some of the old posts. RunawayBunny had to hide a lot of mine when the kids' biomom passed away...And Onyxx/Belle found us.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Thank you RB.

Most sincerely, thank you, RB.

I think what I need are suggestions and recommendations about what does work. How you deflate a situation when it starts to get out of hand.

How you approached the subject of your child's disorder for the first time with family or neighbours.

What do I say to my neighbours when they hear glass crashing an screaming coming from my house and ask if anyone got hurt?

These are excellent questions, beam-me-up. If you were to create a number of posts, each addressing one of these questions, I believe every one of us would find the information helpful. Even to ask the questions will open the hearts of so many parents now struggling alone with those exact concerns.

And believing they are the only ones.

I guess what I am saying is, what are the small steps' The daily routines that just help you get through the day and get everything back on keel as soon as possible after a rage?

Another great question.

Another would be how we each are working around the hurt and guilt and shame in our hearts when our children act out in these ways. And when our families are not ~ when something happens, and we don't know what it is, and our children are hurting and afraid and outraged and nothing we do helps. How may we strengthen ourselves and step into a strong, centered place in our parenting.

Your questions would make excellent, very helpful posts, beam me up.

I wonder if many posting in PE, started in General and have 'graduated' to PE as their teen children progressed? If so, then you will have felt the way I feel now, so horrified at the prospect of what lies ahead, confused about what it all means, afraid to do the wrong thing and totally lost about what I can do to help my little family get through this.

This would make a meaningful post too, beam me up. These are the questions every one of us asks herself in the middle of the night. The third question, about being afraid to do the wrong thing, would resonate with so many of us, whatever the age of our children.

Here is an example. When she rages she invades my body space. Comes right up in my face with her eyes flat and scary as all hell. I am determined not to show that I am afraid so I do not give ground and I glare back at her. Is this the right thing to do. I don't want to appear weak but maybe I should be dropping my eyes and making myself small?

You are right, beam me up. There is no right answer.

I have seen that look. I have been that mom.

This helped me.

"It is not my child who is bad. It is not me who is bad. It is the situation that is bad." It sounds like a foolish distinction to make, but it is life changing. It will change the nature of the confrontation from glaring back to the ability to step into an emotional place where the primary value will be accepting that what your child needs is a mother who is not afraid of what is happening. The child will follow your non-verbal cues.

If you are not afraid, your child will learn not to be afraid of herself when she is out of control emotionally.

It is so easy to forget how frightened the kids are. It is so easy to forget to remember that as surely as we envisioned our lovely, perfect children and our lovely, perfect lives...so did the kids.

They are outraged and ashamed and embarrassed at their behaviors, too.

The only person who feels worse than we do about what is happening, about the way everything has fallen apart?

Is the child.

And we love them and they love us and we don't know what to do.

It helped me to set my mental course like this: This is what happens with my child. I don't know why, and neither does she. So, I will not judge any of it for right now. What little I do know is that, though she is the aggressor here, my child needs to feel safe too, when these things happen.

Mothering children like ours is a thing of ten thousand complexities. No one whose child is not experiencing the things our children experience can help us understand how to do this.
How do we love them, and ourselves. How do we see them with pride. Where did all those good things go, that got us through the work and bad days.

If your child engages in physical confrontation, then you both would benefit from knowing you can keep both of you safe. A martial arts class, or a self defense class, taken without fanfare. No different than buying a gate to keep a toddler from falling down the stairs.

There is a concept: Radical Acceptance, that has helped me stop judging myself or my child. Understanding how to incorporate everything that has happened is the value of Parent Emeritus, I think. Learning the nature of the hurt to ourselves when our children are so troubled and reclaiming ourselves is the value, I think, of Family of Origin.

I believe we are, all of us, so strong. There is a way to get ourselves and our children through whatever it is that is coming. We will find it. Together here, we will find it sooner.

To be that mom (or dad) whose child is so challenging requires that we develop aspects of self and strength and independence. Love is not enough. Or, love is a very different thing than we knew, when our children are so troubled. We are going to be fighting the systems of medical care and education and even social services (and the legal system too) for the sakes of our children.

And then, one day...they are bigger than we are.

And we need then to know how to love them, in spite of all that has happened, and in spite of all that will happen.

So your questions are such good questions, beam me up. I hope you will begin threads asking exactly those questions.

A very warm welcome, beam me up.

Cedar

 

[Nomad]

As I'm going about my day, I'm thinking how I might want to go to General more often and when I see a post I relate to respond accordingly...particularly when we've had a good outcome after an intervention of some sort! In retrospect, we've had a nice handful!

 

[InsaneCdn]

I was catching up from a day away from the board. 50+ messages. (that used to be 200+)

Some were short, some were long.
I made an interesting observation about messages.

A short message usually contains a single point of discussion. I can like it, find it friendly, respond to it.

A long message that contains a single point of discussion is the same in that regard. And sometimes, especially if we are relating experience(s), it won't be short. But a single point of discussion is useful.

Long messages more often contain multiple points of discussion. Sometimes, short ones do too. These are harder to digest. It also is difficult to flag them even if I agree with some points, because on a multi-point message, I will really agree with one or two points, and totally disagree with something else.

It's got me thinking a little about my own posts. How can I keep the contents to a single topic? The Keep It Simple Silly method.

Just something to think about.

 

[BusynMember]

I like this point, IC. I tend to ramble so thanks.