Hello! Where I'm at right now


Well-Known Member
Hello everyone, it's been a while since I've posted and I wanted to say hi and let you know how things are with me right now.

I guess I've been afraid to post, even though I visit this board several times a week, because I'm superstitious about saying anything positive about my son. I'm not normally a superstitious person but it seems every time I let my guard down, and let myself think things are going well, something dramatic happens and we're right back at square one. So, I'm not here to make predictions, or even to run commentary on my son's life, I'm just here to tell you some facts and report on how I am going!

Today, my son has gone away with his girlfriend's family. She is a lovely girl, who we all like very much. I was very concerned about this relationship: concerned for her, in case he had a breakdown, as she is young and I wondered if she knew what she was getting into; and concerned for him because I didn't know if he would cope if the relationship didn't last. But so far, so good. They have been together for about 21 months at this point.

He is still living in the house we own and paying us rent. So far he has not missed a payment. We bought the house in March 2020 and he's lived in it ever since. I have only rarely visited (due to lockdowns and covid regulations being in place for most of the time he's lived there) but my husband has visited a bit to do maintenance work and he is happy with the way the property is being maintained. He says the lawns are mowed and the inside is neat and tidy. My younger son visited this morning to help his brother move a bed and confirmed that it is neat and tidy.

He is still working and has completed the first year of his apprenticeship as a fitter and turner. He has gone to trade school and completed all the tasks to graduate to 2nd Year Apprentice. He seems to enjoy this work and his employer has been very good to him.

We don't see a lot of him but this is partially due to covid. Our regulations have eased significantly in the past weeks, though, and this meant he brought his girlfriend over for dinner this week, which was nice.

As for me, I am a little better than I was - not quite as anxious and focused on him. I have stepped away completely in the past year or so. I do not contact him unless I have something I absolutely need him to know. If he contacts me, I am warm and friendly and loving. This seems to work for us. When I was was contacting him more frequently, I would often catch him in a bad moment or perhaps he felt "watched" or "checked up on" and as a result he was guarded and abrupt. Now, he calls when he has time to talk and is in the mood, so this seems to work better for us both. I have to admit to still have a PTSD type reaction to seeing his name come up on my phone. My immediate first thought is, what's wrong?

The past couple of years have taken a big toll on my mental and physical health. I am relatively young (55) and have always been quite fit (maybe a few pounds overweight, but fit and active). Like most people I've had the odd health scare, and times where I've not looked after myself properly, but overall I was a fit and healthy woman before all this. I feel like the last couple of years have aged me. I have a number of digestive problems and my anxiety levels are very high (better now than at the peak of my son's troubles but still there). As a result of this, my husband and I have decided to move to the other side of the state to live in a small town. We feel like a fresh start away from my son will benefit us both. (We'll still be within a day's easy drive of my son if we are needed.)

Our middle son lives on the eastern side of our capital city, so he is already far from us. This move will not significantly change the distance we are from him. I am close to him and speak to him regularly and know that he will make visiting us a priority. Youngest son is about to finish high school and head off to university, so it won't affect him overly. We will be about 4 hours drive from Difficult Child but he seems keen to visit when he has holidays. All three sons (and Difficult Child's girlfriend) have committed to coming to stay for Christmas.

We're heading into summer here in Australia and youngest son has the summer off. He has decided to move in with Difficult Child once his dad and I move to the country. He'll stay until university starts in March. I'd be lying if I said I was totally relaxed about this. I'm concerned. But they are both adults and and they are both very happy with this decision. Youngest son knows he can come to us if anything goes wrong. I'm trying to relax about it, but it's not easy.

I think that's it. We move to our new (beautiful!) house in mid-November and I'm very much looking forward to making a fresh start.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Miss Lulu

It sounds like the worst is over and things are taking the course they are supposed to take.

I still have PTSD too and I along with you, am 60 and very healthy and about five pounds overweight but if that's the worst of it, that's okay. My son's trauma took a huge toll on me - it started when I was 50 and the worst is over too I believe.

I still have some anxiety and some digestion problems related to stress. I do better and then not so good but feel that I will be okay.

Our son is moving back to the Chicago area in August once he finishes his associates degree. He just started a new part time job and has a girl that he is dating. I don't think it is long term as she is from Chicago and does not want to return due to the cold but they are having fun for now.

He will live in a home we are building there until we return in 2023 whereby he will need to be on his own and he knows this. I will have anxiety until things are all settled there or maybe forever. Who really knows.

Glad for your positive update!


Well-Known Member
Thank you @newstart and @RN0441 for your kind responses.

RN, your son's recovery and your attitude to him and yourself have brought comfort and inspiration to me for a long time, so thank you.
To be honest with you, I don't know if it will ever really be over for my family. My son's substance abuse is a by-product of his mental health issues, and of course, whilst he can choose to abstain from the drugs (and I really think and hope that he is!) the mental health issues will always be there.

I have hope though, and that's why I posted. My son goes in and out of treatment and on and off his medications. I'm not sure that will ever change. I do think that the positive behaviours - having meaningful work, maintaining his living space, having loving relationships and surrounding himself with other young people who display healthy behaviours - can only have a positive impact on his mental health.

I'm not confident that there will never be another issue with him. I guess the challenge for me is to accept that he is an adult and as such his issues are not my issues. It's a process, but I'm doing better than I was.

I mainly posted the update so that anyone reading along who feels as hopeless as I did when I first came here might feel like there is a possibility that things will get better.