K Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jul 16, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It's been about a year now we've been back into contact with K and the kids. When we first started talking to her I reserved judgement on what went on here, even questioned some of it, and held off judgement of her situation there. I figured time would make the situation more clear and so it has.

    K is still very much the difficult child. Still very much her Dad's daughter. Still tries to manipulate (more subtle now), which still doesn't work, and still makes her mad. lol

    The diagnosis of the chari malformation is suspect. And has been for quite a many months. I was very upset when she first told me, as any parent would be. But it wasn't all that long before the doubt crept in. I know this condition because I know someone living with it.....and have studied it in school. From what I'm hearing from K.....IF she has it, it must be the mild version as she swears docs tell her she's not bad enough for disability / while telling me they tell her she will die soon. She tells me her Mom demands her to go out and work that there is nothing wrong with her. This tells me alot as her mother has always over-reacted to K's medical needs. If the girl had the sniffles she ran her to the ER. She would never say such a thing if K was truly so ill.

    So that is still hanging in the air. But I worry less and less about it as time goes on. I have no way to know one way or the other for certain. easy child believes she looked something up online that sounded good and that would excuse her behaviors. Maybe. It's possible. But I know she gives excuse after excuse and refuses to go to a neurologist to be treated for this life threatening condition. A fam doctor can not/will not attempt to treat it because of it's rarity. So her "diagnosis" is under suspicion.

    K still swears there has never been any drug use. I've wanted to believe her, but I know better. Her own husband told her mother right after K came to live with us that K was on meth. He was in a panic afraid she had the baby (Kayla) around dealers. He was not the only source on the drug use. And I smelled meth in their apartment while they lived here. No way it wasn't. OMG I hope to never smell it again either.

    K has made some slips over the past few months. For someone living off welfare.....money pops up unexpected for things. And I'd still like to know how they afford that darn motel room. K confessed to me that Evan's baby teeth....all of them......are rotting out of his mouth. Yet Kayla tells me (child's innocense) that they rarely get sweets/fast foods/pop. I'm suspect that Evan's rotten teeth are due to Mom's drug usage. K also is as thin as a rail. Gaunt nearly. Most especially for her. She has her Dad's large bone structure and is not petite in any sense. Weight has always been a struggle.....and she eats like a horse. She had no trouble gaining the weight back here when she was living with us despite the migraines....and started dropping it again when she moved to her own apartment.

    I know her husband is violent. Known that since long before I met him. Multiple sources, most of whom had no reason to lie about it. I know from hearing him in the background when I'm on the phone with the grands, the way he talks to the grands, ect. Yet K swears he is not. Along with the accepting the perverted behaviors I've written about.

    Over the months I've gotten subtle hints of the need for money, then asked for money.....all that jazz. Now I'm hearing the "kids" are upset their birthday cards and money got lost in the mail (probably stolen at the motel desk) and are anxiously awaiting the back up one. Back up one is going via certified letter and I just haven't gotten around to it yet with all mother in law junk going on. She also just gave me an email with the kids' sizes and said they needed clothes for school. Um Kayla's size hasn't changed at all, neither has Evans......they just received both summer/winter wardrobes when I sent off all those clothes.....where did they go? Alex is a growing boy. Fine. But no, I told her a while back I've not had time to yard sale this year nor the money. I won't be sending clothes anytime soon. And she even asked for school supplies.

    I hear now from her she is "trying" to find a job and go to school........with non stop excuse as to why she can't do either. Had the stupidity to tell me a nursing home didn't want to hire her for house cleaning because of her seizures. I know better. Medical facilities are more understanding of that sort of thing than anyone else. Which is why I steered her in that direction. Her husband is supposedly looking for work.

    Caught her in some big time lies. I'm supposed to be calling each sunday. I haven't spoken to the grands in a long time. First because of final's, then all this stuff with mother in law. I didn't say a word to K about forgetting. Yet each week she made up an excuse as to why the phone call couldn't get thru......then finally stated that Evan "broke" the phone again. Which is also why they can't get called back for interviews. I kept my mouth shut and let her keep digging that hole. Sort of the same way I'm doing with her medical diagnosis.

    So......The clearer picture shows that nothing has really changed with K and that whole situation. I'm guessing she got into contact with us because she hoped to get stuff and or to come here (Kayla let that one slip).

    Because I won't let her manipulate me, her emails are shorter and shorter. I haven't received one, except about the kids birthday, in quite a while. Each time there is the hint they desperately need money for this or for that and she attempts to use the kids (as she always has) to guilt me into giving it to her. I think she's finally catching on that it's not working.

    I don't mind doing for the grands in the least bit. Which is why their back up birthday money will be sent via certified letter and I will know she got it. But I doubt I'll be sending a box of clothing anytime soon. Money just isn't there. And frankly I get weary of her sense of entitilement in that dept like it's my responsibility to clothe her kids.

    So at almost 30 yrs old, K remains a difficult child. I doubt she will ever leave her husband or their condition will ever change unless it's for the worst. My heart aches for the grands, but there is nothing I can do to change it. At least I know they're alive, I get to speak to them on occasion, and get a chance to put a bright spot in their lives once in a while.

    Because I'm Mom to difficult child's I can be happy with that.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awwww.....(insert bad word of your choice).

    I think in the back of our minds we kind of expected this. Maybe we hoped it would be different but there is that niggling piece of us that just says "oh poop, I know she is just popping up because she is going to manipulate us and cause havoc again." We dont want it to be that. We so desperately want it to be because she has turned her life around but that niggling difficult child radar is just blinking big time. You just knew in your heart that if she had really changed she would have pulled up to the house in her car with 3 clean, adorable kids, ready to tell you all about where she lived, where she was working, how her husband was getting along in his job...etc. That isnt what happened.

    Well...I suppose you can just go on like you are and do what is comfortable for you. I just hate this for the kids. They dont deserve this. They deserve so much more.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Lisa. I know you had hoped for a different outcome.
  4. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. You seem to be coping well and keeping yourself sane.
    Warm wishes to you...
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You know - I have to just (insert my own word of not allowed here) because on Dudes 1st birthday my Mom sent him a birthday card in the mail with a $100 bill in it. He never got the card or the money - but my x disappeared moments after the guests arrived and the mail came. I found the card a day or so later thrown behind the couch - opened without money, and he was gone - cracking it up.

    From then on my Mom never sent a nickel to Dude. If she sent anything it was a toy - and sadly nothing that could be pawned. So I know how you feel about the $. Why not just tell the grands that you got started them a savings acct that will be there for them when they turn 21?

    I too had hoped for a better outcome and it just made me mad as flames when you had to suspect that K was faking it about the brain thing - but I was sympathetic - yet suspicious too. Oh fudge - you know - these adult manipulators should just all get rounded up and go live on an island somewhere and leave the kids with us.

    Hugs for your disappointment - I'm really sorry hon.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    This is why I remian a pessamist. lol Keeps me from being shattered so often. I am disappointed. I would've truly loved and enjoyed having a relationship with K and the grands that I share with her sibs, I'd have enjoyed even more had she grown closer with her sibs as well. But I'm not crushed.

    I am very sad the grands have to endure such a life as that. They don't deserve it. I would've sent toys for their bdays (funny I usually do the same as your Mom) but I just really haven't had time to shop. Certified letter I know the kids will see when K gets it.....even if she tries to keep the walmart card for herself they'll know Nana did send it, did not forget them, and does love them. Then if she cheats them out of it, it will rest on her shoulders.

    I just opened another email. Seems she's growing impatient. Sigh. Wonder how she'd react if I told her I'd sent it once and I wasn't sending it again. *insert evil laugh* But I won't do that. It was only 30 bucks the first time......will be 30 bucks again. And this will be the last time for their bdays. Period. Exactly what I spent on the other grands.

    I'd do the savings account.........except my Mom did that. And I know her heart was in the right place and all..........but I watched my kids be hurt each birthday and holiday. They didn't want an expensive gift, they just wanted a symbol she had thought enough to look for something they'd might like. No. I'll still send something. Might not be what their mother has in mind, but it will be something.

    I recall my own childhood all too well. Sometimes those people that bring bright spots into a child's life can make a world of difference without even trying. My grandma did it for me, I can at least try to do it for them.

    I've got to try to get those birthday cards into the mail tomorrow before I leave for Cleveland.
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Uggggh! Unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean! When my niece was still with her scum bucket husband and was having her first baby, lots of other relatives wanted to send her a gift. We had to kind of sideways warn people ... "Don't send them money!" ... or anything else that could be sold or pawned easily. I got the baby lots of little clothes that were left at my brothers house for him to wear there since they had the baby more than she did. My brother and sister in law bought a lovely crib for the baby and a nice matching changing table. Neither one of them even made it out of the box! "Daddy" sold both of them for drug money and the baby slept where ever they could find room for him.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This Hoovers. How can people treat kids like this? Evan has meth mouth from his mommy's drug use? Who knows what other problems will crop up. No way will he not have other problems. All of the grands will probably have problems. Even seeing the visible effects of her drug use in her baby's mouth isn't enough to make her stop using. Sheesh, doesn't seem like she is a very good mom at all.

    I keep the kids in my prayers every night. Esp so that they will hopefully be safe from the pervert they call Daddy.

    Betcha that either K or her ph (pervert husband) took the money and pitched the card because they knew you would send more. That is evil.

    I am glad you were as prepared as a body can get for this disappointment. It is really hard to watch and I am just a Board Auntie. Is there any chance that you can get children's services to investigate?

    I am sorry she hadn't changed.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    "Evan has meth mouth from his mommy's drug use? Who knows what other problems will crop up. No way will he not have other problems. All of the grands will probably have problems. Even seeing the visible effects of her drug use in her baby's mouth isn't enough to make her stop using."

    Susie, is that what it is when their baby teeth just kind of crumble away? My nieces little boy has that too. I always thought they were on prescription pain medications (she'd get the prescriptions and her ex was selling the stuff) but they could have used meth too. When she was still with her "husband", my brother and sister in law were pretty much raising her baby for her. When he was very small, he started having the problems with his teeth. They took him to a childrens dentist who said he sees this constantly in his practice with the babies of drug using mothers. He put little caps on his teeth but they're already coming off and he will have to have it done again. He will just turn three in a few days.

    When my niece got pregnant again (against doctors orders) she finally left the scum bag and came back home to live with her parents. She is now drug free but obviously was using them during the first months of this second pregnancy. Her second baby was born in February and they are expecting him to have the same problems with his teeth. The first little boy is apparently healthy except for his dental troubles but who knows what might crop up later, or what might come up with the little guy when he's a bit older. Does anybody know ... will it have any affect on their permanent teeth too, or just the baby teeth?

    It just amazes me that they can continue doing something like this when they see the affect it has on their children! And now, every time I see my niece, I just want to slap her!
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Lisa, it does sound like more of the same. I'm sorry.