Kanga Update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Oct 20, 2011.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We had a treatment team meeting this week re: Kanga. All the major staff, Kanga, her case worker and me (via phone). We have these big meetings every 3 months and the staff meet weekly in between these "quarterly staffings".

    Her goals remain a transfer to TLP and then independent living. While her running away and assaults on staff in Sept were mentioned, they weren't the focus. I guess she had another problem this past weeked. They aren't allowed to share personal property with the other girls. Kanga did and the other girl told. The therapist asked Kanga to tell us what happened. I was so aggravated at Kanga; it was clear that she thought the problem in the whole situation was that the other girl told NOT that Kanga broke the rule. Even when staff redirected and pointed out that she broke a 'boundaries rule', she argued with them that sharing stuff wasn't a boundaries rule just a house rule. Ugh! Blaming, manipulation and misdirection...

    Kanga did not acknowledge my presence on the phone. That is a big change cause she usually puts on a sweet "hi mommy I miss you" show for the team.

    At the end of treatment team meetings, the youth is allowed to make requests for the team to consider. Kanga wants free time outside, more off campus activities, and to be moved up a level in the program. Very key omission is that she did not ask for the return of her phone privileges to talk to us.

    The treatment team decided that she would be allowed to start attending church again with a 1:1 staff. All other requests were tabled. She is allowed to write treatment team a weekly letter so she can request 1 new privilege next week.

    I asked for additional time with the treatment team with Kanga out of the room. They said that they feel that she will need to remain in treatment until she is 21 (when funding ends) but that they agree with me that if she is kept under the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) restrictions that she will walk out at 18. So the plan remains to find her a part-time job in the community and a community activity that she can go to unsupervised. They have already started having her get to know the TLP staff. The original plan was TLP at the end of May but now they are thinking end of July. Kanga still thinks she can get there by Christmas.

    I explained that Kanga is the same Kanga she had always been. That her "remorse" for running away/assaults isn't true remorse, it is what she needs to say to get off of their consequences. That she will run again, that she will assault someone again, when she determines that it will get her what she wants. It is a game to her and she doesn't care who gets hurt as long as she wins. Pointing out that she could have run but didn't does not 'prove' that she learned anything, all it shows is that she doesn't run due to lack of impulse control, she runs when she has a plan for some fun.

    Staff did the "part of recovery is relapse" song and dance. Fine. Whatever. She isn't recovering, she is mastering the system, big difference.
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    JJJ, So sorry that the staff isn't seeing the whole picture. Yes our difficult child's learn the system very quickly. I wish they could learn life lessons half as quickly. -RM
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hon. :hugs: Am right there with you. I swear, we have a 3-part kid - Kanga, Onyxx and DaisyFace's difficult child. Similar and different.

    I wish I had more, but I'm here... And I understand... Only too well!
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    How about we all pitch in on an apartment for the 3 of them some place warm so if they get kicked out we don't have to worry about them freezing? Mexico? Sudan? India???? Are those far enough away???
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Ohhh...I just checked. They'd all be considered legal adults in ..... CUBA and IRAN!!! Let's pack their bags!!!! Maybe we can get Rauol to escort them to their new apartment :rofl:
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Where do I sign?

    Do they have to be packed? Or can I just put her on a plane?
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That's a great solution JJJ. Sorry for the lack of insight from the staff. Hoping for a miracle, not counting on it though....it is the story of my life right now.
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, honey, I wouldn't do that to poor Raoul!!!

    But Iran sounds like a good deal. We pay for plane tickets. They take care of it from there?!
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    They can live off of their scholarship money. I hear Kanga is waiting for that althletic scholarship to come through and my difficult child is in line for an $180,000 grant from the military.

    Surely Onyxx is about to come into some serious cash, too ?
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    *snicker* Yeah I'm sure, she does expect her mother's life insurance.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Timer says add ktbug to the group!!
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Kanga sounds like when difficult child 1 does something nice for his sister than looks back to make sure I'm noticing him being nice. His Residential Treatment Center (RTC) actually had to change their behavior system of several years because difficult child 1 found the loop holes other kids didn't. Puts a whole new twist on the phrase being to smart for their own good.
  13. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Could I get my difficult child in on the Iran deal? The bunch of them could see who could make who crazier.
  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm signing mine up too! He's scheduled to be released next May and will need a place to live as he will NOT be living here! :wink:
  15. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the idea of Kanga being willing to go to church. It seems to clash with the exhibited behavior. :S
    On the other hand, maybe a convent on an isolated island...
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    If we pool ALL resources, maybe we can buy an island in the Bermuda Triangle and ship 'em all there?
  17. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Love it-gotta be a bargain!
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I cleaned out my Kanga file cabinet today. Threw out everything I no longer needed (IEP from Kindergarten - finally gone lol). I read some of the reports. What hit me was how many years and how many different tdocs have said, "She really regrets her actions, she is so remorseful, let's give her back her privlidges." STARTING IN 5th GRADE....grrr
  19. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    She's remorseful, all right. She's sorry she doesn't have her privileges, not sorry about whatever it was she did. (Kanga & Onyxx are SOOOOOO much alike...)

    GRRRR, too.
  20. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    JJJ, I know you don't like it and feel like it's rewarding her behaviors, but in my humble opinion she has to get in TLP soon. I totally agree with- you, she's manipulating the system and she'll keep on doing whatever it takes to get her way... but they could treat her 'til the cows come home and she most likely will not feel honest remorse for her actions, nor will she change her ways - at least not in the setting of Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/TLP. She's proven time and again that there are simply no consequences that affect her enough to make her contemplate modifying her choices - heck, she is still justifying her choices and everyone else is nuts. At the same time, she knows Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is safe - she's got 3 hots and a cot waiting for her when she gets caught or decides to return on her own. Post 18, that guarantee is going to be gone. It's going to be a rude awakening for her, but also probably won't scare her like it should because she's got a "plan", I'm sure (not necessarily based in reality, but since when has that mattered to our kids?).

    I think the best you can hope for is that she is able to at least hold a job, get some kind of life skills and experience under her belt that will serve her post 18 or 21 (you know I'm a cynic, but I wouldn't count on funding post 18 given the state of things in IL, and I do have to wonder if she, like thank you, is just going to decide it's her life and the heck with- treatment once she hits 18). Ideally she would go through a normal developmental progression from one skill to the next, building as she goes, but time is running short and she is just so oppositional to rules and programming requirements.... it may be time to get what you can and quit worrying about whether it's manipulation or whatever. Does that make sense?

    My heart is with you.