Kicked 18-year-old out of house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scasey, May 29, 2012.

  1. scasey

    scasey New Member

    Hi, I am new to this forum so this is my first post. Well, I actually tried to reply to one earlier, but not sure if I did it right. Anyway, from what I have read, seems like my situation is similar to a lot of yours. We have been struggling with my now 18-year-old son pretty much since he was a baby. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was about 7 or 8 years old. He was always a challenging child from the time he was a baby with extreme temper tantrums, trouble in school with grades and conduct, extremely emotional, etc., etc. From the time he was 14 he has smoked pot, got in trouble with the law, failed several grades in school, lied, stolen, etc., etc. We have moved 2 times in the last couple of years to different states and he always immediately gets attracted to the "wrong crowd".

    He got put on probation last fall for hitting his dad in a public restaurant and being found with pot on him. He actually spent about 3 weeks in a juvenille facility before he was placed on probation. We have given him chance after chance and showed him probably too much mercy after his promises of changes, etc. We have never let him get his driver's license because of him constantly getting into trouble, immaturity, etc.

    He has stolen my debit card and taken my car out without my permission to the point where I wear my keys on a chain around my neck. He has continued to fail drug tests and has even sold and abused his Aderall.

    The last straw was this last weekend. We had been to counseling on Thursday, talked about putting him in Teen Challenge and he had agreed. My husband and I were planning a weekend trip, and my husband's mom was coming to stay with him and his sister (who has Down Syndrome). We told him this would be a good chance for him to show some maturity and show that he really wants to change, etc. Well, it was a disaster, he had apparently found my extra set of keys somehow, and went joy riding and wrecked my car. He called me with an elaborate story on how someone had drove up into our yard and hit my car, etc., etc. His grandmother never knew because she was sleeping. He also had several people in the house after being told to have no one. So, when we got home we realized that he was lying about the car, called the police, and they got out of him that he had taken the car. We told him to get out, that was the last straw, he is staying with some friends now, but I know that won't last.

    My son called me last night to tell me he was okay and to tell me he had called some drug rehab places to go into and had called Teen Challenge. The thing about Teen Challenge is you have to pay $800 up front and you don't get it back if they leave. That is reasonable for a whole year for sure, but I just don't see him being serious about it right now. I am waiting for a call from his probation officer to see what she says. I really feel like judge will make him spend some time in jail first, that is really difficult for me to think about as I know it is for most moms.

    I will welcome any advise about whether to go ahead with Teen Challenge, just totally leave him alone now and let him figure it out, etc, etc.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would go ahead with the Teen Challenge, if I were you. We were in a similar situation when our son was 16 y/o and had assaulted his dad. We told the court that we would not let him come back home. We did put him into an Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), which gave us all time to assess the situation. M played the victim, and we were able to understand that we were doing him no favors by allowing him to terrorize us. He had been in therapy from the time he was 7, and living with him was like living with a rattlesnake. You never knew when he was going to bite.

    I know that $800 seems like a lot of money, especially if he doesn't complete the program. I would tell him that I would do it and he can only come home if he successfully completes the program and comes out with a plan. What state are you in? At 18 he should be considered an adult, but not in all states. I would see a therapist myself to discuss all possible outcomes, and consider consulting an attorney to confirm what my rights and obligations are. Even if your son wastes the $800, it's money well spent if it gives you a way to step back from the situation and get your bearings.
  3. scasey

    scasey New Member

    I am in Oklahoma, so he is considered an adult here. Thanks for the advice. We do have an attorney already that we hired last year, I am sure I can call her and get some advise. Also, we have a counselor/therapist he has been going to for awhile. I talked to him this morning and he felt like he should still go to Teen Challenge, also.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Sounds as though you are on the right track.
  5. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    At first I was thinking $800 is a lot of money, but if Angel didn't have issues with psychosis I would be willing to sell about anything I have to get her in there. OK maybe a couple organs I would want to keep but you know what I mean.

    A tip someone here gave me that has been working great is pull a fuse when park the car for the nite just make sure they aren't in car to see you put it back when time to go somewhere. Sorry he's giving you such a hard time you aren't alone got a couple teens myself. I think babies are so cute and sweet so you won't kill them when they hit puberty, God truly has a unique sense of humor in my opinion.
  6. scasey

    scasey New Member

    Yeah, but I talked to my son today, and he is saying he wants to do something else now besides Teen Challenge. I told him that is up to him, but he still can't live here. He has court date coming up soon, and I was wondering if I could get it court ordered with the stipulation he would go to jail if he left. They have court ordered him into a drug rehab program at least 3 months, but I don't think that is long enough for him.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Would it be possible to get your attorney to talk to the judge about the Teen Challenge option?

    If he's not willing to STAY with the program however? It would be a waste of money. UNLESS the judge ORDERS him to go. (see where I'm going?)

    Atty says - Parents are willing to pay - Child has to comply - Judges orders. Make a deal for no jail time IF he attends TEEN CHALLENGE and completes.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi Welcome to the board.....check out the substance abuse forum as well, many of us over there have been in similar situations.

    It sounds like he wants out of the trouble he is in, and may say he is willing to do whatever but might not be serious about it. That is the risk you take. Given that he is 18 and has not done rehab before (correct?) then I would do what you can to get him into some kind of rehab... not everyone who is successful at rehab are really willing in the beginning. Sounds like teen challenge is a good option that is affordable... $800 is not much compared to other types of rehab. As long as you don't have issues with the strongly faith basis of teen challenge.

    You need to remember his lawyer is working for him not you. So he might try to make a deal including rehab if that is what your son wants and is willing to do... but depending on the case if he can get him off without making that kind of deal he might do that. So yes talk to the lawyer but be aware he does not work for you... and if he is a good lawyer and sympathetic he will make that clear to you. Our lawyer was very sympathetic to us but also made it clear that his mission was to help our son with what he wanted and he got to make the decisions.

    You might want to call the probation officer. If he is on probation, they actually can have a lot of say... and would probably be party to any plea agreement. If you can get the court to order some kind of treatment or program, and if he doesn't finish then it is a violation of probation, that can really have some weight.

    Good luck.... its a tough place to be.

  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Totally what Toughlovin' said about the attorney. There are two kinds. One is the one you hire to get him out of trouble. That's what TL is talking about. That attorney does not represent you and you will most likely live to regret every penny you spent on him. Your child will suck you dry through this attorney.

    Another is the one you hire to make sure that no one sues you and you have done everything you're legally responsible for so you can make an educated decision about letting your child go on his own. Your child NEVER speaks to this attorney. You'll spend about $500. That's what I'm referring to. ;)
    Last edited: May 30, 2012
  10. scasey

    scasey New Member

    Yes, that is what Iam hoping that probation officer and/or attorney can talk to judge and order him to go. Waiting for both attorney and probation officer to call me back, very difficult to get ahold of both of them!! I will let you know what they say. Thanks for advise, everyone!!
  11. scasey

    scasey New Member

    Just an update on what is going on. Haven't gotten on here much. Probation officer said they can't order him to go to a certain place, that he just had to go somewhere for 3 months but it was up to him to choose where to go. Let my son come over today for first time to get some stuff because he has decided he wants to go to HOW Foundation, which is a 7 day a week, 10 to 12 hour a day work program for drug rehab, then they do 12-step program in the evening. I talked to the guy on the phone, and he said 95% of men that enter program don't make it through one week - My guess is he won't make it 2 days!! Well, while he was here, I went to the bathroom, came out, he was leaving, and he told me he would talk to me later. Found out after he left that he had taken $20.00 I had in my wallet (I had left my purse in living room!! ). I was so upset, I texted him, but he didn't answer me back. I finally texted him and told him he is on his own, I will not help him in any way any more with this rehab stuff, he will have to figure it out. I also cancelled his phone service since his contract is up and it was a phone that had to have a $30 data plan. Anyway, that phone was my way of knowing he is okay, but most of the time I couldn't get ahold of him anyway, and if things get better, I can always get him a pre-paid phone. When will I learn to not trust him?? I don't feel like he is serious about change at all if he is stealing from me, I got almost more angry about that than I did about the him wrecking my car!!

    It has been an awful day for me, besides that, my cat that I have had for 15 years is very ill, I am waiting on blood work to find out what is wrong with him and having to take him the vet to get subcutaneous fluids every other day. I have cried until I can't cry anymore. Did go with my aunt to a concert at a downtown park and went out to eat. Her 30-year-old daughter is in jail, so she can relate to me!!
  12. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    ugh when it rains it pours, I'm sorry you're not alone Angel steals anything that isn't nailed down too. I hope your little furr baby gets better soon, I swear I need my cats more then they need me.

    my #1 support group :furry: :mornincoffee: :furry: