Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Jun 29, 2009.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Just to be sure that everyone gets the picture up front, I'll get some of the basics of L and her boyfriend's history out of the picture. L is 26, he is 36-ish. L is agnostic/Jewish, boyfriend is Christian. L is Democrat, he is Republican. L wants marriage and children (that is her life's plan for herself) he wants neither. He's kicked her out twice, she has been back with him for a year or so but doesn't have key to his house. When she works, she spends all of her money on tanning and clothes. Daddy cut her off financially March 26, her 26th birthday. In turn she traded in the car she finally owed no money on (daddy was making the payments) for a brand new Nissan Exterra, which boyfriend helped her get because he is a finance manager at a car dealership. On a side note, we leased my car from him, and the last lease payment is in July and we have been talking to boyfriend about getting a truck so that we could do stuff around the house without borrowing all of the time.

    So, we had semi-settled on the Honda Ridgeline. They had one on boyfriend's lot that isn't the model I wanted, but I did want to see the interior, see how it drives. boyfriend said to come by yesterday, and he would show it to us. He is going to look for a car at auction for us and give us a good price. We were busy finishing up some yard stuff yesterday, so I told husband to come with me to look. I called boyfriend's work, which is the number I had on the cell, and they said he was out and would be back in 1/2 hour. I texted L to see if I could get his cell # which was at home. No answer. We went to the store, called again, he still wasn't in. I made arrangements to have someone show us the car and made sure they knew we weren't buying today.

    We drove the car, checked out the features, boyfriend still wasn't back. We went home and didn't think much more about it. Finally about 4 hours later, L calls and asks what we wanted. I told her, even though I knew she had seen the text. She asked if we had gone to the lot, and said "There was some drama here, and my dad mediated." Huh?

    Apparently, the night before, she, boyfriend, boyfriend's bff JR, and another friend of boyfriend's friends, D, went out drinking. According to L: Brian was being grumpy and went home without her. She and JR and D stayed out. She says that JR started "hitting on her". JR lives next door to them. She drove JR and D home, dropping D off first a few blocks from their home. L says that they got home and JR continued to make passes at her so she honked the horn, knowing that boyfriend would come out of the house. (Not sure why she didn't just get out of the car and go into the house.) She says she warned JR that B would be out, and JR kissed her. Right then boyfriend came out of the house and saw them and reached in the car and hit L in the face. Then boyfriend went in the house, locked the doors (she doesn't have a key) and turned off the garage door opener. So, she's pounding on the doors and trying to call him on the phone and he's not answering.

    boyfriend, in the meantime, has called L's dad, the attorney. L's dad comes, and helps L get a few changes of clothes and takes her to his house, where he and his wife of 6 days and her son live. They get together and talk yesterday, and L's dad explains to boyfriend all the ways she could call the police on him, including filing an assault report and a restraining order which would get him kicked out of his house. (I told her I hoped she wasn't considering that option, as it's his house and he would be back and she would be on the street with no credibility in a couple of days.) They have decided to take a rest until Wednesday, and talk then.

    I asked her if she had any idea of what it was that she intended to say, and she didn't. I told her that she had better figure it out, as she didn't need to go in there with no plan. Her boyfriend is no fool. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to deal with a girl who has a domestic relations attorney for a dad. She did meet with her half sister S for dinner yesterday. The two of them are like oil and vinegar. S has her own house and a regular job, and it's the house they grew up in.

    I'm pretty sure that S doesn't want L living with her. L is a total slob and entitled to everything around her. She and S fight like cats and dogs. I have a call in to L's dad, to see what is really going on. I'm thinking this is a good opportunity to go with the "do to get" thing with L. Since she last lived with us, we have only one bed in our home for a reason. I just wish that she would be like Kathy's daughter and have an awakening as to what it is that she would like to do and be. I already talked to her about this last time he kicked her out, but all she did was go dating with losers she met on match.com.

    Oh, well. I doubt that L's dad will call me back. He's quite certain that I don't have anything to offer as a parent, and the last time I talked to him and he blabbed to L what I had said, I told him in no uncertain terms that I was talking to him as her mother, not as someone that he got to share that information about with L. Wait and see, wait and see... I knew that if she got a job they would be on the outs again soon. I don't think that she sees that it's frustrating to him that she only uses work as a means to improve her lifestyle.


    And, no matter what, he doesn't get to hit her!
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Wow, you would think that no one in this day and age would lay a hand in violence to someone. Especially if their dad is an attorney. Pretty impulsive and stupid.

    L doesn't sound like she is getting the idea that no one owes her anything.

    I don't quite understand what the meeting on Wed. is about. Is it L and her boyfriend who are going to decide whether to live together or not? Or is dad/attorney coming along for arbitration.

    Why would L let someone kiss her? She had to know there would be drama if boyfriend came out yet she called him out and didn't get out of the car. Wonder if she wanted this little drama.

    Hope she has a plan.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    So far as I know, the meeting is between L and her boyfriend to decide their immediate and long range future. The thing about staying in the car with a drunk who is groping her seems pretty weird to me too. How do you have enough time to honk the horn to let your boyfriend know you're out front, tell the guy to keep his hands off, get caught being kissed, and not have time to just get out of the car. It's not like she couldn't have locked it from inside the house. And you know that her boyfriend is going to go with whatever it is that his bff says.

    I hope she has a plan, too, but unfortunately I think that it doesn't go much further than "You hit me!" Maybe this is rock bottom? It's hard not to want to help, but really, I have nothing to offer other than support to let her know that I really think she is capable of having her own life and her own ambitions that she can carry out for herself if she would just give herself a chance!
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well carp. I sure wish the maturity bug would bite L in the arse.

    I have an inkling that perhaps this might have been a drama ploy to make boyfriend jealous?? Not that she planned it per se, but the not just getting out of the car and going into the house part. Course I guess she could've just panicked too and honked the horn instead of thinking it thru.

    I dunno Witz. Honestly, L doesn't seem at all mature enough to hold this man's interest. That's probably a huge issue.

    And like you said, nothing she did justifies him hitting her. The idiot.

    I'd hold off on any action until you see what daddy is gonna do, personally.

  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Sorry Witz. Hope L sees the light and looks for a way to improve herself.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I did talk to her dad tonight, and got the scoop. Apparently it was more than a little kissing, and as I suspected, the honk of the horn wasn't a "warning to boyfriend" but a "costume malfunction". He sat with L and boyfriend for 3 hours yesterday, and said it was pretty intense. boyfriend told L that he loved her but not so much that he wants to marry or spend his life with her and he doesn't want to have kids. boyfriend also told L's dad that he had actually snuck up on them in the car, and that "when he saw what was going on he got really mad and he wanted to punch JR, but JR is his best friend so he couldn't, so he hit L instead." I guess that should tell L where his priorities lie. Her dad said boyfriend was sorry he'd done it, but not sorry he'd done it to her, if that makes sense.

    Like I said, L told me that she would be staying with her dad until Wednesday when she and boyfriend will talk. Hopefully if she doesn't decide that she isn't going back with him, he will decide that he's not going to put himself in the position that he gets so mad at her that he wants to smack her again. ie: he breaks it off if she doesn't. :mad: I told L's dad that L is presenting the living situation as she is living with her dad until Wednesday, and that he needs to look at it that way, too. I explained that I wasn't saying "throw her out on the street", but that they needed to acknowledge that for now it's a temporary thing, and if it is going to be anything more than that, he and his new wife need to sit down between now and Wednesday and set up the rules. Rent, cleanliness, food, who takes care of her dog. They need to put it out there now, because if they don't she will make up rules as she goes along and then have a hissy fit when they try to put a stop to it. She's already complaining that their toilet paper isn't soft enough, apparently. :rolleyes: "And she eats everything". Wait until the new wife's autistic son starts finding her crusties all over the place. EWW!

    He said it was good advice. I hope he will take it.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW. I am with Lisa, hoping the maturity bug would bite her tushie.

    First off, let me get this straight. Your ex raised her up to be a totally non self supporting immature princess and he thinks YOU have nothing to offer as far as parenting? Snort.

    Given that this guy is no dummy, he has long known she is there to be supported. He has known for a while he doesn't want a forever commitment therefor she is there ONLY for his personal "needs". He may feel sorry for her, but he seems pretty clear that he doesn't want her.

    If I had to pick which party was telling the truth, it would be him. It doesn't excuse hitting her. THAT was one more stupid act in the play. Sounds like he wished he didn't hit anyone, but if he DID hit he is glad it wasn't his bff.

    Sure seems to define her place in his life.

    What kind of IDIOT tries to "get it on" in the driveway of the home your boyfriend is waiting for you to return to? Sure seems like a 26yo should know better, or at least know that it would result in an ugly scene. Cause if she DID "do the deed" with the other guy, the 1st thing that would happen is a phone call to the boyfriend to let him know "what that witch did with me last night in your driveway" and chances are it would star HER as the aggressor/initiator and HIM as the one who was drunk and surprised and she "took advantage" of him. I would be willing to guess the apology phone call to the boyfriend said pretty much that.

    I sure hope she doesn't end up skipping the birth control and trying for makeup sex with the boyfriend or retaliation sex with the other guy. Seems like what a manipulator might do in that situation. It would make Dad feel sorry for her, stranded and pregnant. It would then either tie the boyfriend to her or create a permanent wedge between the bff and the boyfriend.

    Sending you many hugs and the hope that this is one conflama tornado you can stay pretty much out of.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Oddly enough, I'm not that upset about it. I don't understand the idea of doing this in the driveway, either. I'm pretty sure JR won't see her again. They don't even really like each other. I'm pretty sure he will be in boyfriend's ear as to what a dumb bunny she is. And, she is. But no one needs to tell boyfriend that...

    I have to wonder if deep down, JR did this as a way to drive a wedge between L and boyfriend, just as a matter of telling him later on. He probably had no idea it would end in violence.

    That being said, when I look at her "summer '09" pictures on her facebook page, an album of about 19 pictures, there is one photo of JR and his brother, and no photos of boyfriend. But she lists her status as "in a relationship with boyfriend". Go figure.

    I'm fine with things how are for now. I'm pretty sure she'll be in self-destruct within a month. That will be hard to ignore.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Witz I'm hoping desperately that this straight talk from boyfriend will make L wake up and smell the coffee with this guy. Hopefully it will cause her to take a look at her life and realize the years she's wasted running after him.....and scare her into wanting to be more self secure instead of running after some dude hoping he'll take care of her like daddy did.

    I hope daddy takes your wise advice. And I hope he's smart enough to sit down and discuss any decision making with new bride. Otherwise he just might not keep his new bride as long as he'd like.

    Me thinks perhaps her dad is now having the light dawn just a wee bit as to just how difficult child daughter is......and how much he may have contributed. He'll probably never admit as much....but hey, if it gets him to make better decisions where she is concerned..........;)

    At least you got the low down and know the full story. sigh

  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You know, it occurs to me that one of the reasons that L wasn't ever ready to give up on boyfriend all these 5 years is that he didn't want to commit to her. That kept her from having to actually commit to him in an adult way. Does that make sense? In a difficult child kind of way?
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Yeah, witz, it does make sense. Seems like difficult child-logical thinking.

    She may also be afraid because what if she has a child and then gets a divorce and the guy does to her what her beloved daddy did to you. I don't know how she could AVOID that kind of thinking. She knows the things your ex alleged were false. She went along because she had incentive to go along - got to stay with Daddy's money and got fewer rules because Daddy didn't have a clue what she was doing or wasn't home to make rules (or whyever he did what he did).

    I hope she skips the self-destruct portion of this drama.
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a dramatic mess. I don't have much to add... but wanted you to know I was reading. I'm about to have lunch with my Oldest, who is in her own dramatic mess at the moment.
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


    What an idiot. I want to punch HIS lights out!


  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    OH my goodness! Since my daughter has only been married 2 years I would probably say something I shouldnt!So - probably I would just let her know that she doesnt ever deserve to be hit - that if he did it once he will probably do it again!
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I agree, Susan. I don't know what he will do again, given the chance. Since he's never loved her, I know it won't be love...
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Take care Witz! I know it is hard for you but it seems you are doing the right thing. I have been in a similar circumstance like that before. My daughter , before she got married to the guy she is married to now, had an incident with him. She claims that had too much to drink or whatever and someone saw him push her to the ground and called the police. Well he ended up going to jail - someone - probably ger - bailed him out. Anyway, the only way I knew about it was something came in the mail from the detention center or whatever addressed to her (her name is the same as mine before she got married) so I opened it - I figured it was something to do with difficult child - and it was telling her that he was out of jail. I was dumbfounded! I confronted her - she was mad because I did - I said what is going on! I never really found out - we told her we wanted him and her to come to the house and tell us what was going on before her DAD killed him - they never did - I talked to the police officer that arrested him - he said he had told my daugher to stay away from him - obviously she didnt - she married him! So............... we have not had any stories about that anymore nor anymore incidents - that I know of - my daughter is very independent - but she wouldnt hesitate to tell us if the hit her I dont think. Anyway - I understand.