Lonely adult son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Francesca, Apr 23, 2017.

  1. Francesca

    Francesca New Member

    I have a 19 year old son who is uncommunicative at home. He spend most of his time in his room and constantly on the internet. He doesn't look happy and sometimes I have noticed he has an emotional crying face. When he was 18, he was charged smoking weed and we got a court fine and he had to undergo a monthly counselling session with the government. Eversince the incident, my husband isnt talking to him. Im just worried that my son will be a walking timebomb. I feel im alone in this as my husband isnt helping much.
     
  2. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Its hard when your husband bows out, like mine too. It isnt fair. Will he go for therapy? I dont know what to do except that. Mine was never quiet. But sounds like depression
     
  3. Francesca

    Francesca New Member

    My son will not go for therapy unless my husband motivatea him.
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. If your husband won't help, you will have to do whatever you can to get him to therapy. The worst thing to do is let him hibernate in his room surfing the Internet. Can you give us some more details?

    Is he working? Going to school?
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he always been like this? Does he still use drugs? Is husband his father?

    Unfortinately you cant make him help himself. He is old enough that you can take him wherever he agrees to let you take him without father agreeing. So thays good. But he needs to want to go. You may also want to set a boundary...he goes for help or has 3-6 months to get his life together, including work, or he has to find his own housing. Or anything you think may jump start him.

    It is not good for anyone, especially a depressed person, to do nothing. It only makes the depression worse. I have fought depression most of my life. Anxiety too. The person needs to listen to therapist plus push to do things, even if they are depressed. I was there.

    Good luck!
     
  6. Francesca

    Francesca New Member

    My husband is his dad. To what I know is that he doesn't smoke weed anymore. We are watching him very closely. My son is in college and he's just started a part time job on weekends so that's good for a start. Tomorrow is his counselling session with the anti drug organization (court order). I've noticed that my son is trying but I believe my husband has to show some concern or perhaps pay a little attention on him.
     
  7. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Yes that would help, but my husband never came around
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Francesca:

    I think sometimes dad's just don't know how to deal with things. My husband, who loves our son dearly, spent many years like that as well. I spent that time feeling I was in the middle of the two of them trying to fix everything and it is truly exhausting and doesn't really help anyway.

    I agree with the others to try to get some help for yourself. It does sound like your son is trying by going to college and working and maybe somehow he can pull himself out of the blues he is feeling.

    Keep posting; it helps! Good luck.
     
  9. Francesca

    Francesca New Member

    It's not doing any good to my dear son. I just found out that he hasn't been attending college instead he's been visiting a gambling den :( I really have no experience dealing with this character at home. What should I do next?
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Francesca:

    Is he working? Is he going to therapy?
     
  11. Francesca

    Francesca New Member

    He works at weekends. No, he isn't attending therapy because I haven't approached him on this subject and I have no idea how to do so and he's shut us off. He's acting like a stranger in the family.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son became a stranger at 15 most of the time. Due to drug and alcohol use. We are still trying to get through all of this with him and he'll be 22 in August. UGH.

    We have had to FORCE it and it wasn't easy. Like his last therapist said, you aren't going to sit around and "wait until they are ready". She was a former addict also. He is now in a great sober living program and we still aren't sure if he's going to make the best of it and start his life in a positive way. It's hard to tell a 21 year old you can never have a beer again.

    To get him moving in the right direction or moving at all you are probably going to have to enforce some strong boundaries with him. Obviously it is not mentally healthy for any of you to live like this. I know. I've been there too.

    My husband and I went to see a therapist together. My husband said he'd go ONE TIME but only if I agreed to DO whatever he said. We did and I did.

    We told him residential treatment or he'd have to leave. He chose residential. After treatment we said you cannot come home (again) because we'd been there and done that so we sent him to Florida. That was a year ago and he has had some bumps but is learning and my home is again serene and peaceful.

    Those are just some ideas for you. Different things work for different people. I tried to sit and wait for things to change but they never did.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    RN, about the beer.

    AA, which an ex boyfriend of mine took me to as he needed it to stay clean, does not tell you overwhelming sweeping things such as "You can never have a beer again" although its true for addicts. But saying the word never sounds so impossible.

    They say to deal with sobriety.....one day at a time. They break it into smaller segments of time.

    There are many men and women who dont drink beer..some dont drink at all. He can make dry friends, many are often met in Recovery and support one another.

    My husband used to party and he is not any sort of addict, but he has chosen not to drink for over twenty years, even when others do. He says he lost the taste for beer.

    Have faith that this is not the end of the world for your son. Perhaps you know men who relax with beer. But many dont. Your son will learn other ways and make sober friends.

    Hugs to you. You are doing great.
     
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    SWOT

    I thank you and yes you are right about the beer or about catching a buzz or using alcohol to chill (I do!). The therapist he has now even said to him to NOT think about you can't have a beer at your wedding etc....don't go THERE.

    Just take one day at a time.

    I would never say any of this to him but it's just thoughts I have as I continually analyze the SHI* out of everything which is my MO!

    :wink:
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He can and will find other ways to chill out:) And great advice about life in general in my opinion is "one day at a time." ;)
     
  16. Francesca,

    Read through my experience as it will help you understanding what you are facing in near future so you will not be surprised once other things happen. Your son is in so much better position than mine. After dropping out of college, my stepson moved back home. We thought he'd come back with his tail in between his legs but he was obnoxious and justified every single thing he did. My wife begged me to go to a therapy with her so I went. I asked her 3 or more times during the session that if she'd do what the counsellor was telling us. I was always ready to pull the trigger as what therapist said were exactly the same as I was telling my wife what we should do for a long time. My wife said "Yes. I'd do it" but got manipulated by her son every single time and never followed up. As a result, things had never gotten better one day as it got worse everyday. Everyday was fight, arguing and screaming in the house.

    I totally understand your husband as he must be so frustrated right now. I, myself tried so hard to talk to my stepson but he never listened to a one word for 7 years. You can't make a 19 year old to do things he doesn't want to do unless it is ordered by the court. A 19 year old thinks he is an adult and all the decisions he makes are good for him. After that, your son is the only person that can make a change. We are all outsiders trying to help. I think this is an important fact that you should realize.

    Your son lying about going to school is not good. Try to find out what he does with his money earned from his weekend job. We learned that most of his money went to drugs and other fancy stuff he wanted to buy. He had never saved money to do any positive things. So be careful and trace his spending pattern.

    Think positive. There are so many people here with facing a lot worse conditions everyday.

    Staying in his room all day, claiming depression are very common method they use to make you feel bad. That is when enabling kicks in. You feel sorry and think it is all your fault would do that. Once you start to become an enabler like my wife did, things will get a lot worse as I experienced it. There is a book I think it is called "Setting boundaries with adult child" or something like that my supporters here recommended me to read really helped. You should read few books about the same issue you are facing.

    Again, crying, depression and other things that could get you in your head isn't 100% correct. You need to be able to distinguish whether things are correct or just playing with your head. My stepson got prescription for Klonopin for depression. However, he crushed them and snorted it with other drugs. Of course we are in State of California, he went and got his medical marijuana license claiming he has depression and anxiety issues. Therefore It became legal for him to smoke pot.. Not a good way... I do not know what State you are in but medical marijuana thing is an 2 edge sword.

    After a year or so, I decided to cut my stepson off from our insurance plan but it did not do anything. My wife begged me to get him back on the insurance plan before he left the house, I said "NO" as I know it won't do any good. Rehabs won't work 100% as he could stay sober to get it over but it doesn't guarantee he will remain sober. Therefore, I personally do not believe in it. It is just my personal opinion as everyone is different. It is his will to stay sober. A rehab and therapy could work for lots of people but don't give you 100% he will be off forever. Your son is the only person can make a real change. We could be supporters but can change for him. Make sure he doesn't go into other drugs..

    I had a full 2 year of hell in my own house because of 1 person with issues. It took 2 years for me to persuade an enabling mother to get him out of the house. Prepare yourself for a long battle.. One little step at a time.. If your son is determined, he will appreciate your help and get better. Keep posting and share your concerns and get supports from other members here as it helped me a lot. This place is the only place I could vent....

    Brian
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What a good post, Brian.

    Even if they really are depressed or anxious, its no excuse for doing nothing or not seeking real help or being abusive.

    Klopnopin is for anxiety only. I personally think many of our adult drug users pretend they have depression or anxiety ro get pills and, yes, sympathy. Both are very treatable mental health disorders. Most who have one or both still function.

    I have both under control.i am a happy person now. Both are not excuses to vegetate when there is help.

    In short, I feel you are very correct. Too bad nobody will listen to your wisdom.
     
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  18. Francesca

    Francesca New Member

    Brian,

    That is a fantastic advise. I believe it's true that he's pretending to be depressed because I just gave him his allowance and he's sprung to life. He's out every night. My husband had the intention to kick him out of the house a year ago but I was holding it back because I was afraid that it would not do any good for my son. He's even threatened to stop college. I'm starting to ignore him completely and soon he'll look for me for more cash. He can do the depressing drama again - and yes I'll soon kick him out of the house. I know it's going to be a tough decision but I have to be strong in this.