Looking for advice (warning: sensitive matter, not going to be for everyone)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, Jun 10, 2009.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I will try to keep "vague" while still making the gyst of the situation obvious. I also want to say upfront that I know many members have suffered or their easy child's or difficult child's have suffered, sexual abuse. I say that because its the topic of this thread and by saying so up front, those that may be bothered/upset reading, can then choose to not read this. I don't want in any way to bring up pain from peoples experiences.

    So, I'll try to sum up the situation in a way that makes sense. I never knew my father. I was in and out of foster car until I moved on my own on my 16th birthday (mom is bipolar, divorced my father when I was under a year old, raised my brother and I alone, well I should say foster care did mostly). At around age 12-13 I was suddenly plunged into living with my bio dad. I met him for first time the day him and his then wife picked me up to move 5 hours away to live with them. I gained a step sister and step brother. I hated living there. Before anything bad happened, I feared my father. Even though he was loved by all and the pillar of the community type. Before I moved away (I was there about 8 or 9 months) I learned my father was a pedophile first hand.

    Eventually, a couple months later, while in foster care, I told my foster mom, I phoned my step mother due to concern for my step sister. She always showed signs of being abused. My step mother refused to believe me. Foster care did have me go swear police statements. It came down to he said/she said and with no evidence, the prosecutor could do nothing. So I know about myself, I suspected about my step sister.

    Maybe 13 years ago, suddenly my step mother divorced my father. He got NOTHING but the clothes on his back. She got everything. I knew in my gut he'd been caught for something deviant and the deal was just go. I recently found out indeed he'd abused my step sister her entire life including an attack on her when she was an adult, married, 7 months pregnant. She ended up having a csection and nearly losing her child. She then ended up in a psychiatric hospital and the stories tumbled out, she was too mentally unstable to press charges, thus the divorce where he was told to leave. He got away with it again.

    Now that's all I had known. Quickly after, I learned that my father had found a new woman. Someone only 2 years old than me, with 2 young daughters. They went on to have a child together. I now have a 11 year old sister.

    Last year online I found a police news article in a online paper about charges against my father. I contact that towns crown attorney and told my story and asked if it was charges against a minor. Well of course it was. The mother however of hte girl didn't believe the young girl!!!! So the prosecutor could not do anything, even knowing this mans history. He wants to nail my father badly. He did pass my info on to child protection as I worried about my sister and the other 2 daughters of this woman.

    About 3 months ago, i recieved requests to add on facebook 2 aunts (my fathers side) and my paternal grandfather! I've never heard from them, met them, didnt' even know their names!!!!!! Turns out I'm growing close to them, more so with one of the aunts. They have no contact with my father either. I then learned that he had abused severly EVERY sibling. That is 4 sisters and a brother. For their entire childhood. I learned about another case with a woman with a child before he married my mother. I learned that last years charge where the mother didn't believe the daughter? It was my half sisters older sister!!!!!

    I was reeling. Information overload. Through the years I'd learned for 5 women on my mothers side that had the same experience during the time my mother was with my father. His victim list grows. He's been doing this from age 14 and still going.

    Next day I contact child protection where my sister lives and told ALL, including names of all his victimes, details. It nearly killed me but I had police give me my statements from when I was a teen. Weird and painful to read my own handwriting telling my story. My 13 year old self talking to me. I also had child protection dig through my files from my time in foster care and provide all information documented regarding this situation. There were things in there even I didnt' know. I provided all of this to child protection where my sis lives and to the crown attorney. It was then forwarded by them to the police.

    Oddly, a few weeks after this contact from my fathers siblings, my SISTER managed to locate me on facebook. The child protection worker thinks my sis is trying to find a safe person to talk to. We are slowly talking when she has access to a computer (she has not got one at home) and trying to get to know each other. I have since learned she is keeping it secret from her mohter and our father. She wants nobody to know she is in touch with me. I worry about her so much. Child protection has been in their lives for 3 years now. My sister at one point was taken into foster care. She has seen domestic violence and my father at his alcoholic worst. My father is no longer with her mother. He is now with a new woman. You may have guessed: a woman with young daughters. Police make no secret they follow him, they park outside his house, they are dying to find a way to nail him (this is a small town).

    The child protection worker told me info she was not legally allowed to tell me. I'm so grateful she did. I know alot of my sisters life now, as well as my fathers etc. We have a deal, the worker and I, that if my sister is taken into foster care again, she'll call me straight away and support my petiton to court to be her foster placement.

    The prosecutor would like for me along with other victims to all come together to lay charges. There is no statute of limitations on these level of charges. I don't know how to ask newly found family to open up old painful wounds and confront as a group in court. The prosecutor needs more than just me, he knows I'm willing, in order to build a strong case. I just don't know how to approach a delicate new found family relationship with this type of thing.

    I guess I'm wondering what others would do? I do know this man must be stopped. He will NEVER stop. This is like the worst Dr.Phil show. Or the worst sickest made for t.v. movie. I wish I had never been told all the details i have been told. I feel helpless and fear hearing of someone new being his victim while we all sit here, capable of changing this, but nothing being done.

    This is really eating at me. Its disrupting my sleep. The stress has put me into a worse MS flare. I cry a few times a week, I just can't stop thinking "is he hurting some young girl RIGHT NOW" and then I cry. I no longer can watch a single program about abuse, talk shows, or movies with abuse. This really is no different than many horrific true crime books I've read. Its WORSE than some I've read. I am also trying to cope with this mans genetics running in me and my children. My blood is his blood. My dna is his dna. You get the drift.

    The onlyp ositive is my sister sought me out. I didn't know she even knew I existed. We even had a secret very brief phone call last week. It thrilled me to no end. Via facebook I've seen a few pictures. SHe's alot like my easy child and me mixed together. She LOOKS like my sister. She's a beautiful little girl. And getting to know my fathers family is a blessing.

    Anyhow, I am just at a loss. I don't know how to proceed or if there is even anything I can do. The aunts I would have to ask to prosecute are in their 50's and 60's and in some cases, their own husbands don't know, let alone their adult children. One, even under hypnosis, can not bring back one memory before the age of 12, the trauma was so severe. Do I have a right to resurrect this by asking them open those wounds when the impact on their life has been that extreme?

    :( :( Pretty heavy post. Sorry for that all. I just don't really have many people to talk to. I don't exactly want my real world friends hearing what I'm a product of. A total monster.
  2. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Gosh, I'm getting seething mad, just reading this post. What a sick, sick man.

    I don't know how you should handle this, other than let the aunts know that you are doing it and see what they have to say.....feel them out, ya know.

    Is your sister living with him or her mom? Why has she been in and out of foster care? I think being her foster is a good thing, if that happens again. Is she in the same state as you? I'm not sure which state you are in. I think I remember, but since you don't have it in your "area" I assume that maybe you don't want it known, publicly.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Your post reminded me so much of what difficult child 1 is going through. Biomom (BM) does not believe her. husband and I do – her story has not changed since day 1. However, BM has accused husband of the same thing so many times that the prosecutor won’t touch it – because difficult child 1 is physically incapable of providing proof. (The accusations against husband have all been closed as unfounded – the one against the boyfriend is “indicated” – meaning they believe her but can’t prove it.) We have taken her in 3x for an exam – the first two she refused, she was so upset, the third she was crying so much – so traumatic – they refused to examine her. Now so much time has passed there may never be physical proof. This man has a same-age daughter. We’re almost sure things are happening to her – but she won’t tell. difficult child 1 refuses to visit BM as long as BM is with this guy – and BM is refusing to even speak with difficult child 1 now.

    Since there is no statute of limitations… Let your family know you are going to do this. Tell them any information they might have would help. But they don’t have to join you. You might be surprised at what comes out of the woodwork.

    Don’t feel alone. And if he is being openly investigated, he knows he’s done for. Just one thing I want you to remember… You may have made peace with this inside… But it was never your fault. You know it was his, rationally, but deep down inside it sometimes still feels like maybe you could have stopped it. You couldn’t. I’m working with difficult child 1 on releasing the blame. I think we’re doing well, but it certainly doesn’t hurt that we have an awesome psychiatrist for her that deals exclusively with abuse situations.

    Lots of hugs, and good luck.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am so sorry, but I am speechless right now. All I can do is agree with Loth and S22. I really hope some of the others come through. Hugs~
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I have dropped into conversation that the prosecutor could nail him if several of us came at once to prosecute. So far, not bites. I am still hoping.

    My sister is living with her mother. She's a wingnut. She believes her older daughter "WANTED" my father, Came On to my father, then when rejected, made false allegations. She even contacted me at the bidding of the child protection worker, and I told her ALL. She acted like she believed, but you can tell she doesn't. I don't know why,but child protection worker said its been months since my sis saw our father, but nothing can be done if visits resume, without charges laid. Gosh I hope that doesn't happen. My sisters mother is not all there. THe call made it aparent. I kept it low key because this womans family is all from my town and she has offered to allow me to visit my sister next time they travel here to visit family. I sure hope she actually comes through. I'll have to hold in a flood of tears to hug my sister for the first time. I've prayed for her for 11 years, I never thought she'd know who I was, I figured I"d never get to know her.

    My sis was pulled into foster care when her older sister made the criminal charge against my father. Then my father eventually moved out and she was moved back to her mother. I think there's more to the story since child protection has not closed the file and is deeply involved with the family. This worker wants my fathers butt on a roasting stick. She wants my sister in a proper healthy environment. It's obvious even alone with the mother, there are problems. :( :(
    I am in Canada, so we have provinces. We are in same province. About a 3 hour drive apart. I'd have no problem, with the workers support, becoming her foster placement if she's taken into care again. She seems so excited to be getting to know me. In our phone call, she was practically vibrating with excitment. She said she'd viewed all of my facebook photo albums and told me she thought we looked like an awesome and happy family and she was kinda jealous that my easy child (only a year younger than my sister) gets to do so much stuff (hockey, parties, soccer, theater camp etc). She said she wished she lived closer so she could spend weekends and stuff. Thats a good sign if she was placed in foster care, that she might be comfortable being placed with me.
    I think there might have been another foster placement as well following a domestic violence issue where my father was drunk, per usual, and physically attacked my sisters mother.

    Something I forgot to post originally. I learned my brother, my only sibling, has secretly maintained a deep relationship with my brother. I saw him last week for the first time since learning this and had the awkward painful job of telling him that he is no longer welcome in me or my children's lives. I simply can't stomache having a relationship with a brother who knows all of this but would have a relationship with this monster.
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Step, I'm so sorry this has touched your family too. I am saddened that anybody wouldn't believe a young person. Even worse since it sounds in your explanation that someone else is possibly continuing to be at risk :( :( :( :( :(

    Thank you for your kind words. You know, I dealt with my emotions on this with counselling, time etc. All this new stuff has just resurfaced what I'd healed through, ya know??? The prosecuter cannot open a case without more than one of us, myself alone is not enough this many years later. We need 2 minimum, preferably more. I've put the bug in their ears gently and I'm hoping that after some soul searching, they will make a decision to stand strong together with all of us and face this head on. It may bring healing. It will at minimum lock this man up for life and he can't hurt anyone again.
    I don't and never did have the guilt complex other people sometimes have. This is first time. I just feel if the aunts or whoever would swear statements, they'd lock him up until trial, and no new names would be added to his list.
    We know how long his list is and the names. I am left wondering about the fact there more than likely are far more who none of us know about. I wish they could know they are not alone.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    How old is your sis? Can she get to a local court without her mother? They can and will issue a protective order against this creep, because the only reason she needs is a fear that he will harm her - and with protective services involved it will be easier. That will get rid of resumed visits.

    Again, good luck. If I can help you please PM me.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Your post angers me, but does not surprise me....The crimninal justice system in this country does way too much to protect the abusers and precious little to protect the victims. I am so sorry that your family has been caught up in this sickening web of abuse and cover-ups.

    When you finally get a prosecution (though it may take a lot more time)--I hope you can sell your story and help create awareness and prompt changes that may protect the next generation from a deviant relative.

    So sorry that I don't have any advice to offer...

  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Step, thank you for the link. I cannot get my sis to get a protective order. The mother would have to. Child protection is ensuring right now that ther eis no contact between my sis and our father.

    My sis just turned 11 years old.

    Daisy, I pray each night for a prosecution. This man needs to be locked up with no chance of release.

    I have considered sharing my story but I don't think I could to that without first knowing this man is not freely wandering around able to find new victims. I have even considered writing dr.phil or oprah with the story, thinking if my former step sister or any of the aunts came to the show, maybe they would be open to prosecuting along with me, knowing the support is there for them during what would be a horribly emotional and painful experience for them. But then I feel stupid thinking that some talk show would care about my story.

    I just want the world safe from him. I want justice for all of us. I want my sister safe.
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    The system makes me crazy!!! No matter what country!!!

    You're welcome. ...Is there any chance that child protection could act for her, being adults? (in my humble opinion, the poor girl should have a reasonable fear of her mother. But then, I come from a different point of view, difficult child 1 IS afraid of her mother.)

    Also... I don't know about the talk shows... But that's me. They would do it, no questions asked. But for everyone to know...? Again, that's me. (husband is suing our county due to their repeated forcing of the children into an abusive situation... So the papers are ready as soon as the filing happens. I'm iffy about this.) It affects more than just the victims. And there will always be those who say, "well SHE (or he) asked for it." Bovine excrement.
  11. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Step, the child protection worker is refusing to stop involvement with the family. She's the one who told me the mother wasn't "all there" to begin with. She's very much keeping an eye on any situation where she would be able to remove my sister. I do believe if the mother allows my sister to see our father again, the worker would remove my sister from the home. The system is crazy for sure. That is why they are begging a bunch of us to go as a group to lay charges. Stop him in his tracks. I'm glad that this worker wants to nail my father and protect my sister just as adamantly as I do. She couldn't thank me enough for tellign her of the stories and details. She's building a case. I believe the case is to remove my sister from the home. She doesn't trust the mother to keep my sister away from our father. I think one visit to our father and this worker will do everything she can to ensure that my sister is kept safe from BOTH parents. I couldn't believe the insantiy out of this mothers mouth when she contacted me. I was sick in the bathroom after that call.

    I'm so glad my sister chose me to secretly contact. I'm trying to build up to where she knows she can trust me, turn to me, that I'm here for her and would do anything for her at all, that I love her so much and am always in her corner. She's so beautiful!
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    If I had a bio sister, I would wish for you.

    As it is, I have a lot of cyber sisters, and I count you as one!

    I'm glad you are there for her - because it helps more than she knows. Maybe more than you do. And I love this child protection person.

    I've got you in my thoughts & prayers. Most definitely!
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm a survivor of severe sexual abuse. And I must say as a survivor myself that I admire both your strength and your courage. You are an amazing woman. And your family is very lucky to have you in their ranks.

    That said, confronting sexual abuse even as an adult can be traumatic for many. Many have issues accepting they weren't at fault and fear the reprocussions.

    Sadly your Dad's story is fairly typical for a sexual abuser. I know. My brother is one and his story sounds awfully close to this one. Except he was caught many many years ago and served 4 yrs. Yet he doesn't register with the state as he's supposed to and there have been mult women with children in his life since. Sad but true.

    If I were in your position, with an opportunity to put this guy behind bars once and for all, I'd go for it.

    I'd discuss it with your newly found family fairly the way you did hear. Explain to them, just put it right out there with no obligations Be understanding of those who just can't face it. But you may be surprised at how many may actually jump at the chance to stand behind you and spare another innocent life the pain they've had to bare. It can be quite a healing process for all involved.

    Everything happens for a reason. These newly found family members may have been lead to you to help them heal and help them save another life.

    I'll be praying hard for you and your family. I hope you're able to get some justice.

  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry. I think what you are doing is the right thing. Not pushing too much, but letting them know you are ready and willing to go all of the way if it comes down to it.

    I have seen things like this all to often, in my own family and in others. I just don't get it. it makes me so sick.
    The one that kills me is the not believing!
    My Mom didn't believe.
    My Aunt didn't believe her Husband was doing it to her Daughters, then him moving into another house was good enough!
    Then one of the cousins neighbors was molesting her son and she turned her back on it! The story just goes on and on, from step dads to brothers etc....

    I just don't get it... I know women can do it also, but I see mostly men doing these things to young kids.

    I have never felt the rage that I do as when I hear or read these stories.

    I am so sorry. I wish there was more we could do to help. I wish our society did more to help children.

    I may be overly protective of my girls, but I don't care.
  15. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Wow - Yes, pretty heavy post. I am glad the police are watching him closely. I think I would be very tempted to write a letter to the new mom and informing her of this guy's history. Some day he may just find a woman who will put her girl's saftey over this guy's crimes. Let the new mom know you are there for her. Often times women just do not know where to turn even if they do feel this is happening.

    I am so sorry your growing family (his new marriages and kids) have to live through this. He is so confident in what he is doing after not being caught for so many years. I hope his cockiness rises to the point where some evidence does come to life.

    Send a certified letter that only she can open. Wonder if there is a way that she has to go to the post office to get it so that perhaps maybe she will be able to read it before he takes it away? Mark it as private/confidential.

    If the police are so interested in catching him, maybe they can help deliver it to her when she is alone and encourage her to read it ASAP.
  16. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Step, you just brought my tears back on. Thank you for your words. I hope that as my sister grows older, on her own, away from parents, her and I can become very close. My kids want to know her so much> There is love in this house for that little girl, before she even knew we existed. I love this child protection woman too. She's been the worker for the family for over 3 years, with no plans to discontinue. She's a woman on a mission. I like that our mission is the same. I trust her implicitly and I'm so grateful she broke a gazillion laws to tell me ALOT of personal information. I believe normally she doesn't cross the line, but in this situation, the voice of reason is NOT coming from my father or my sisters mother, and suddenly she had a concerned loving sibling willing to do whatever it takes, therefore she crossed a line in order to help me understand the desperate need to find a solution to this. I was so touched when she said if my sister goes into care she will support my petition to be the foster placement. I feel a kinship with this woman.

    Daisy, wow. To think your brothers story mirrors my fathers story just breaks my heart. The amount of people I learn have similar experiences astounds me. And saddens me beyond imagining.

    I definitly have no problem going full throttle to lock him up, testify, do what it takes. We can ONLY do so if someone , hopefully multiple others, come forward willing too. I have brought it up by telling the aunts that this worker has explained this is the way to stop him and end this. I have some small signs that they may all be talking, the sisters, trying to get the strength to agree to come forward. This isn't something they can just say YES to right away I don't think. Their trauma is so massive. I do think that one aunt is getting ready to tell me she is ready. So they know what is hoped by the prosecutor and they know I'll stand beside them. I think we're stuck in wait and hope mode that someone comes forward and says lets do this.
    For my sister particularly, the worker gave my contact info to my sis's mom and it took her a month to call me. I told her EVERYTHING. I think the worker is thinking, okay now this mother knows it ALL. So IF this mother sends my sister to visit my father knowing this history, there is an opportunity for child protection to approach the court to remove my sister to foster care (ME ME ME PLEASE LORD!) for her protection from her mothers refusal to recognize the danger she puts my sister in.

    That still leaves all future young girls my father comes into contact with. He always dates women with young children. I don't know of one relationship he's been in where he hasn't abused one of the children. Not one. Unbelievable.

    I've been doing alot of praying and asking God to intervene in peoples lives, to give strength to those who don't feel they have they strength, so we can all face this together, stop him, and perhaps all of us will have some healing in the painful process.

    If he ever faces trial and is convicted, I'm throwing a party. No tears. Just a party to celebrate the fact that he will never again destroy a young life.
  17. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Totoro, your family story is sad as well. Isn't it awful how common it is? And how often the cycle just goes on and on!!! (((hugs))) I'm overly protective too of my kids, especially my daughter.

    Andy, my sisters mother is no longer living with my father. he is now with another woman with young daughters. I have no access to this woman or who she is, or I certainly would have no problem telling her the information. I did tell my sisters mother the info, hoping that this will stopher from allowing my sister visits to my father. Sadly, I think she's disturbed and she didnt' believe or just didn't care what I had to say :(
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    First, hugs.
    Both to soothe you, and congratulate you on your bravery.
    Anger is good! Go for it.
    You cannot save everyone. Just take it one step at a time.
    Help to build an airtight case.
    You are lucky that the CPS worker is on your side. You are lucky that the police are aware and trying their best, within the (weak) law.
    You are lucky your sister contacted you.
    AWESOME that you could foster her. That is so exciting.

    In reg to your aunts, do you have a right? I don't know that this is about your rights or theirs. I think you should just ask them, give them time to think about it, and move forward as best you can. Be sure to make copies of any documentation that will secure your credibility with-them, and that may light a fire under them to help these other girls.
    But don't give up if they cannot or will not participate.
    Your role is still valid.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I too am moved by your strngth and courage. I don't know what advice I can give you but I hope with all my heart that you are able to slowly get his other victims to find the courage you have and put this man somewhere where he will never be able to hurt anyone else again.

  20. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    How come they cannot pursue a case with the information they already have? It is notoriously difficult to get people to stand up and testify (even in cases that have far less emotional repurcussions than this one). I remember trying to get teenagers to testify that they had been ripped off by their employer and NOT ONE of them was willing to cooperate with Board of Labor investigators.

    Hopefully, your testimony would be enough...