Looking for advice (warning: sensitive matter, not going to be for everyone)

[Mattsmom277]

Thank you Nancy. You know, it doesn't feel strong, or courageous. i just simply can't picture doing nothing knowing hes prowling. Grooming some new girl as I type right now.
I see my easy child developing into a young woman and picture what if it was HER being groomed for his plans? It makes me determined to not ever let this drop. Eventually something is going to happen.
I forgot to mention, the prosecutors office has my info and we've talked numerous times. If EVER another person comes forward with allegations, even if the aunts etc can't bring themselves to come forward, they prosecutor will use my case and the new case to bring him down. I hope it doesn't come to that, it would mean another persons name on "the list". But if it DOES happen, we'll get the monster.
It may not happen in the quick time frame I'd like (as in yesterday) but you know something, I have a piece inside of me at peace in the midst of this chaos, that says we're on the right path and sometime not too far down the line, I'm going to see justice done and get to watch him taken away in cuffs and shackles. I dont' know why I feel it. But it is just a very deep feeling, like knowledge almost, that his reign of pain and terror and destruction is nearly over.
I had a breast reduction 12 years ago. I couldn't keep them. They reminded me. I looked yesterday at my scars in my mirror after my shower and I told myself, those scars are not for nothing Melissa. They will lead to the end of this madness. I plan to look at them if there are times I feel unable to keep going forward in pursuit of getting him whichever way the law can. They will be my strength to keep going. That kind of life impact deserves a fighter behind it to get him. He must feel smug after all these years without being called to task. I wish I could photo the moment he is finally picked up by police and he realizes the gig is up. I truly believe that days is coming. Maybe in Gods time, not my time, but I do believe with this many people wanting this to end, that the day is coming.


Thank you all so much for giving me a place to talk about this and your kind words. I do talk when I need to with my fiance who is wonderful and will hold my hand and offer strength through all of this. Including helping parent my sister if she ever ends up here with us. But aside from that, I truly have nowhere to let out my feelings on this. I'm considering starting a journal or a file on the computer to document my feelings, events as they happen. Maybe a mini story of my experience. Just some sort of outlet. But for now, its my fiance, and today, here with all of you wonderfully supportive people. You have no idea how much it means today, when I've been struggling emotionally with this, to have you all to bounce this all off of. Sometimes people NEVER know the impact they have on other people. I think today this might apply to all of you. ((hugs)) and gratitude beyond belief

 

[Mattsmom277]

Daisyface, in terms of if CPS was to go to family court to get my sister removed, should her mother being allowing visits with my sister and father again, I certainly will be called to testify.

In a court of law, in a trial for multiple rape and molestation etc charges, I can only testify to myself. It is still him against me, he said/ she said. It would be devestating for him to get off because of no evidence. In this type of court, criminal court, I am unable to speak to what others have told me of their experiences, it is considered heresy and is not admissable. It would only be admitted to evidence if these others were to testify to their own experiences themselves. This all goes to the accused having a right to defend themselves. How can they defend themselves against a allegation that I make regarding something that I wasn't there to witness? See what I mean??

 

[Marguerite]

I think if a court case NOW came down to it, your having stuck to the story for so longshould speak for something. And surely the evidence of other girls could be introduced to show that he has this pattern of behaviour? Or is this what they're hoping to set up?

You are working on several levels here. On one hand you're wanting to protect all thr young girls out there from your father. But (and please don't get angry with me) you can't take on all this responsibility. You can't protect them all, nor should you have to try. In trying, you could do a lot more harm, set up a lot more denial from the women in his life (past and present).

On the other hand, you are on the brink of forming a survivor relationship with family members who really need you in their life. That is the most important thing right now. Anything else MUST come second.

That is not to say you should drop all your attemtps to get your father to face up to what he has done. Not at all. But prioritise - put it lower down the list. The relatiosnhip you are forging with family members and their mental wellbeing, MUST take priority.

So by all means, tell them that you are wanting to see him behind bars and let them know you have been asked to testify, and any others who tstify will strengthen the case. But make sure they know that your relationship with them is unconditional.

You have asked your brother to stay out of your life - why? I'm not saying I don't understand your reasons, but I want YOU to really explore your own reasons. If your brother is not an abuser himself, then what is so risky about his relationship with you and your children? Or are you nervous about what information he might pass on to your father, thereby making you and your family more vulnerable? Or is it your brother's inability to take sides in such a b/w issue (in your mind) that upsets you?

The reason I ask these questions, is that you may have to accept that your sisters/aunts etc may feel just as vulnerable to anyone who is pursuing legal action. They may be thinking to themselves, "I cannot revist the horror I went through. We each had our private hell, we can't compare the abuse we each had because when it comes down to it, when you are in a room with an abuser, you are alone. Nobody could ever share that. And I don't want to go back to even thinnk about that, I need to move on. We all need to move on and pretend it never happened."

The reason people like your father keep doing this, is because they can. Nobody can prevent, unless he goes to jail. And even there he will continue his abuse. And for every man like your father who gets caught, there are hundreds out there untouchable. They are very good at what they do - recruiting a family, marrying the family (they don't marry the woman, they in their own minds marry the daughters) and then setting up a system of subtlemental abuse to not only allow them to abuse the kids, but to also make sure the mother will feel completely personally responsible for any abuse that happens.

Very intelligent women can get caught up in this. A have a good friend whose second husband was just such a creep. When they met, her daughter was 6 years old. She was grateful to have a man in her life who was also intelligent, shared her academic interests, who encouraged her to go back to uni for further study ("Don't worry about the kids, I'll babysit them for you and make sure dinner is ready.") My friend was also a schoolteacher and he of course took a lot of interest in her work, encouraged the female students to come home for coaching sessions. He even took some coaching sessions himself. My friend was grateful to her husband for all his help.
Then when her daughter was 15, she told her stepfather that sex was off the menu. Immediately, the stepfather lost all interest in the mother, in the bedroom department. Ofcourse by then he had recruited students and the girl's friends. The girl told her mother, who confronted her husband.
It is the measure of such a creep that he had successuflly laid the groundwork for my friend to feel completely at fault. SHE was the one who had gone back to study, and therby neglected her husband who OF COURSE had been so easily seduced by the young girl (what - seduced by a 6 year old?). He convinced my friend to try again to save the marriage. He was of course not interested in saving anything but his lifeline to all the young girls in his wife's life and work. But my friend was so desperate to make it work thta she allowed her daughter to move out of home, in order to keep working on themarriage. The daughter was remarkably understanding - "I will be happy to meet with you, mum, but only if he is not there. And I can't come back to the home while he is in your life, I can never be sure he wouldn't walk in and I can't cope with that possibility." The girl was barely 18 and having to live away from her mother at a time when she needed her the most. But my friend was completely under the spell of this man, because the whole truth ws just too ghastly for her mind to accept.

She finally had to accept the truth. It took her months to come out of this. Of course no charges were ever laid - the choice was left to the daughter and she chose to not go through it all. I suspect they were advised that it would come down to "he said, she said" plus the daughter had, all the time, been made to feel like a willing participant and was afraid that in pressing charges she would cause a lot of hurt to her mother. Her stepfather is getting to an age when he is going to be physically less capable of molestation, maybe. I don't know their thinking. I wanted to scream at both of them, "Press charges!" but I wouldn't be the one standing up in court giving evidence of every little detail, it's not my right to tell my friends what to do.

My friend never talks about it now. Her daughter has been donig well, seemingly unaffected by it all (I don't know how, though). She's been in a relationship with the same guy for some years now, she's the same age as easy child. Doing well professionally and in her relationsnhip, apparently. Yes, she had counselling. So did the mother.

My friend has married again. Her third husband - no point in him being a pedophile because there are no children left in my friend's life, only her adult children. No children living at home.

If someone came back into my friend's daughter's life and said, "We're gonig after him; after he left you, he went on to abuse another four families," I really don't know how they would react. I suspect they'd want it to all go away so they could go back to pretending nothing had ever hurt them.

It depends on the type of hurt, how deep the hurt and how far-reaching, as well ashow resilient the person is, as to whether they will cope with what you want to do. They need to know thta you want to stay incontact with them regardless of their decision. No guilt trips from you if they choose to stay out of it. They also need to know that you won't nag or want the topic to come up again. And even if you can promise all that - maybe simply knowing your intent could be enough to have their own guilty conscience (for refusing to get involved) too painful to continue contact.

Ans that would be a pity.

SO I'm sorry, I have no b/w answer for you. ONly you can assess (as best as anyone) how they will react to the situation. But whatever you do - make it clear that your relatiosnhip with them comes first and foremost, and no guilt trips are allowed.

You want him to stop - but it's not your responsibility. It's a very hard thing to accept, after what you've been through, because in trying to stop him, it can help you feel the abuse can be turned to some good after all. But tere are other ways in which you can turn the abuse to good. What you are doing now is a good start.

So go carefully. Andbe good to yourself. Remember the women in your father's life are victims too, his first victims. He built up in their minds layer upon layer of denial and guilt, so it's not surprising that they would find it difficult to accept what he has done. To accept it, they also have to accept the guilt he put there as insulation against their knowledge of his actions.

Men like this are nasty and clever. To survive such an experience is a huge achievement.

Marg

 

[Mattsmom277]

Marg, thank you for such a well thought out and well written response.

I have mentioned as I said earlier, to the aunts, that the prosecutor could use help from victims coming forward, that I was willing, and if others ever came forward, together as a team, justice would happen.

I am super aware of the damage done to these poor women. And I am so excited to have such wonderful amazing aunts in my life! I've been pretty alone most of my life. We talked once in depth about the "family history" (meaning my father). We then made a pact, if we needed to turn to each other for a conversation regarding this, we would. However, we were NOT basing our relationship on this. We have made a pact to keep our relationshiop concentrated on getting to know me and my kids, them and their spouses and kids and grandkids. Learning about one another as people and forming a family bond. You know, maybe a holiday meal one day with family. I think I'd be floored lol. We enjoy lovely conversations on the phone about camping and about my kids, her grandkids accomplishments. We talked today about my MS as she was wondering how it affects my life. We make plans of things we'd like to do together in the future. We talk about what kind of food we like and what makes us laugh. Our careers and dreams. Fun getting to know you stuff. It is what we all need, what we all deserve, and thankfully we are all on the same page with it I hold NO bad feelings if none of them are ever able to step forward and plunge into a court scenario. They suffered horribly and are trying to live a normal life. SOme of them never told their spouses even. I am not in any way going to pressure them or guilt or shame them. Shame on me if I did that. I simply am so blessed to have my family in my life now. My children are blessed

As for my brother. He and I were raised together. He knows my story about what our father did to me. I simply cannot emotionally handle sitting across from my brother, knowing he is in a close bonded relationship with a man who he knows has committed these crimes. Its a mental health thing for me I guess. My brother knew I felt this way years ago. He claimed to understand. The part that makes it this way for me, is becuase he never knew my father until AFTER he had learned my fathers "ways". My brother didn't grow up loving a father, only to hear shocking things about him. My father was a stranger to my brother until years after the truth about my father came out. And my brother was there to see me go through the incredible pain and self destruction that this all brought into my life. As his sister who has been there for him (he's the eldest, but always relies on me for everything) forever, I cannot stomache knowing he can visit me and my children, then turn around and go for weekend visits to that monster. He once brought my father to my home in the middle of the night!!! About 2am and said he had a suprise for me, and around the corner popped our father. I slammed the door in their face and locked the door. That was a sick thing to do. I also am not comfortable with my father knowing personal details about my life and my childrens lives, which my brother is doing. My brother also knew that I could not handle my father knowing about our lives. Why should he get free information on his daughter and grandchildren after all this history?? It makes me ill to know my brother gave him photos of my daughter. My brother betrayed my request to never share anything with that monster. The pain is too much. My brother cannot be in my life. It isn't to punish my brother, although I'll NEVER understand his need to suddenly as an adult have a father son relationship with a serial rapist?????? This is for my own mental health and peace of mind. I hope that makes sense. I can't control what my brother does. But i can control what pain and betrayal I allow or don't allow into my life. And this pain and betrayal cannot be ignored. My brother has always done things intentionally to bring me pain. My entire family has always seen it. They don't speak to him BECAUSE of that, aside from contacting my father. For years they refused contact because he is so cruel and mean spirited and awful to me. Sadly, he gets pure enjoyment out of me having pain. Its on his face for all to see. I should have done this years ago. But it took this to cross the line for me. Otherwise, I guess I kept a childish hope that he'd want a sister brother relationship.
To put it in perspective, my brother has 5 beautiful children. Only 1 has any contact with him, all others choose not to, by their own choice.

Again, you write beautifully Marg. Thank you for taking itme in your day to share wisdom with little old me

 

[nvts]

MattsMom! I agree with all that say that you're an incredibly strong, kind a wonderful person. But now I have to say this to you - please don't be mad at me - I'm a little worried!

At no point have you said if you've had any type of counseling on the issue. This creep did things to you to form portions of your life and make you live through things that no child should. You alluded to things in your life that went wrong because of this menace.

But what worries me most is that you can't sleep at night and you're crying a whole lot more than you did before. As you see by the responses, there are a ton of us who were used and abused by people we knew. Even though you're feeling really strong, I'm thinking that you should be talking to a sexual abuse counselor. You can do a search to find either an individual counselor or a group. Either one, you'll accomplish a few things.

1. you will have someone that can watch you carefully for depression - I almost feel an undercurrent from you that you seem to feel responsible for the victims that came after you.

2. you can talk at length with women who have been able to get their abusers off the streets.

3. you can then find out their resources on how to approach other victims in order to prosecute.

4. you'll have a track record showing that you would support your lil' sis
(if she did foster with you) with mental health supports in place.

Call your local rape victims support groups - they will help you find out what you need to know!

God bless! I have you and all of his past and present victims in my thoughts and prayers!

Beth

 

[witzend]

I hope that you will get a support system in place that will be there for you for the long haul in this and prepare for how difficult this might be for your health and for your well being overall. If it were me, I would let my aunts know what I was doing and why I came to that decision, and not even suggest that they do anything one way or another. Through you, they will know what is possible, and they can make a decision that they are comfortable with.

Good luck.

 

[Marguerite]

Go carefully and be gentle on yourself.

I am glad you've really thought things through concerning your brother. While I odn't agree with him, I think I can understand where he's coming from. he is wrong, but rather than deliberately hurting you, he also is in the clutches of a monster who is using him, and he doesn't realise it. Nor would he recognise it even if his nose was rubbed in it. You are wise to eliminate the risks to yourself and your family.

The night your brother turned up with your father - I'm betting you brother was convinced it was his (brother's) idea, but it would have been your father who subtly led to it, his entire reaso for being in your brother's life is to do his utmost to continue trying to control you (and all the victims he can) as much as he can. Sexual abuse is not about sex, so much as about control. And your brother is under his control, whether he could accept this or not. To your brother, your father is a misguided and misunderstood lonely old man, a nice man who is puzzled at all the nasty accusations that have been made. Maybe he has even admitted to your brother that yes, he was weak and allowed himself to be seduced by a child ... but of course, it wasn't his fault except to have given way. Assuming he has even admitted that much. It is the standard line - a skilled pedophile can convince his victims that they want the abuse, can convince himself that the abuse is actually GOOD for his victims but of course since society doesn't understand, he has to hide it. Only a more mature society (of other pedophiles) can understand the 'higher sophistication' of 'child love'. Pedophiles can even convince themselves - so what chance do the rest of us have, to convince their current victims (and I list your brother, and any females in his life among them).

So love your brother from afar, if you can allow yourself to. But I strongly agree - no physical contact with him (except maybe at a mutually vetted neutral space where you can be sure your father can't spy on you).

You do need help for you. Because to some extent, gonig after this man seems to have become at least part of your recovery. And even if you are ultimately successful, you are more than this. If you get to the end and even if you succeed beyond your wildest dreams (say, the death penalty or a life sentence) you willstill feel a nasty let-down when the fight is over.

For you, the fight is for your own sense of self. You thanked me for taking the time to share with "little old me" as you described yourself - remember, YOU deserve support and help, purely because you are a good person who helps others. You are you, worthy and decent. Do not apologise for living.

While I don't hold with the theories of "love your disease, it's keeping you well" I do feel that aspect of self-involvement in chronic health problems needs to be considered. When I first became disabled I had a rehab specialist actually recommend that book "love your disease..." and when I finally read it, I wanted to strangle the man. In my case I had been injured at work, I had not invited the health problems. However, there are some aspects of health problems which we know respond to our moods, emotions etc. Psychoimmunology is an important and valuable medical tool. While our health issues aren't all in the mind, neither are they all physical, either.

My health issues, like yours, have a strong auto-immune component. The more you can do to stop the self-harm that occurs form your own immune system attacking yourself, the better. Learning to relax, to meditate and to self-calm is a good start. Being able to monitor your own state of mind and over-ride any unhelpful agitation is valuable. And far from switching off any ability you might have as an advocate, it can actually strengthen it. I have found thta since I have learned this self-control, I can still use anger, but as a powerful tool directed appropriately, outwards. Instead of going to pieces so fast that people get hit by the shrapnel, instead I hold together and my rage becomes an intensely focussed laser beam cutting through a lot of red tape. I can switch it off when I need to, for my own self-preservation.

It has been argued that when we have a lot of anger or feel unheard, the anger gets turned inwards (because we haven't been allowed to express it) and it morphs into an attack on our own bodies. So instead of saying, "I am really angry because of this," and feeling like we are finally having attention paid to the problem and its getting sorted out, we instead smile and make nice, while inside the cauldron boils over and begins to eat away at us.

It's not all mind, it's not all physical. We are a blend and so our health states register it accordingly. Would you have developed MS anyway? Possibly, who knows? But could learning to manage your emotions over this reduce or control your MS? Quite likely. It can't hurt to try. If you fail to get it under control this way, DO NOT allow any guilt to intrude. All you have done is to try. Guilt has no place here.

It's like slipping and breaking your leg on an icy path. Does clearing the ice away mean your leg miraculously heals? Of course not. The best you can hope for is to prevent others having a similar fall, or prevent another fall yourself. If you can walk on the path without falling, you could heal faster.

Be good to yourself. It's about time someone was. You deserve respect and to be heard.

Marg

 

[Mattsmom277]

Again, thank you all I did therapy for years and years. Had this stuff not cropped up, I probably wouldn't need further counselling. With all of this new stuff, my doctor during my appointment yesterday sent out a referal so that my benefits will cover sessions again. I know that having an impartial person to discuss this with is going to help. It helped me heal the best I could before. With all this new stuff, I'm certain it will help me again.

Marg, I have thought of my brother in that way too. I will always love him. But he is toxic in my life. He was toxic BEFORE he became involved with our father. Now that they have this strong relationship, even more so. I know it is right for me to have him out of my life. I have to live for me.

Ironically my doctor and I were talking yesterday about PTSD and the effects on the body leading to physical pain. Of course mixed in with a chronic and progressive form of MS, well what a mess. He explained well , better than I can here, how trauma in our mind from pain can actually send things out of wack in our brain and lead to real physical pain. Not phantom pain, but real concrete pain. So we are working towards getting a grip on the MS pain but also going ahead and assuming some of this pain may indeed be a product of PTSD. My doctor is on the ball I had never known this, and here you tell me the very day after I have a long talk with my doctor about it!!!

I have from previous therapy developed effective ways to calm myself and bring myself into a state of peaceful feeling. It doesn't always work, but more often than not it does. I am grateful that I am able to tell when I am bothered by things, even when it isn't evident.

The poor sleep thing is from pain. I wake up in such pain (MS? STRESS? COMBO???) and can't sleep again. The crying I discusses with my doctor. We discusses what makes me cry, how often, etc. He actually said Melissa, if you didn't cry from time to time feeling emotion over all this new information, I'd be MORE worried about you. He said it was a "normal" level of grief. We then discussed teh benefits of me seeing a sex abuse therapist again, hopefully I will have my first appointment in the next few weeks.

I have not heard of the book you mentioned so not sure what it entails. I do know that from time to time i certainly do NOT love my disease. But other times I'm grateful. I have learned so much in this process. I've learned new priorities. I'm created new goals more in keeping with my morals and dreams, less keeping up with the joneses. I've learned to enjoy simple things I'd started, like most people, to take for granted. My enforced slower pace of living has allowed me to take time to enjoy the smaller things and boy do I enjoy them! I've also learned not to stress the small stuff. I've learned that I have now a chance to really value each and every day in a way that before I had forgotten to do. The list goes on. I don't know if that is what that book is about, but this is my experience anyhow. Not to say somedays I don't get down about being so limited. Or if I fall and lay in a pile of urine on cold marble floor unable to get up for hours, well those moments I curse the words MS and have a pity trip. I'm human

I have begun saying certain prayers before bed, and also took up reading my favorite books for 30 minutes in bed all cozy before i turn off my light. I sleep much better as my books transport me when I read and it is like the rest of life just goes away. I tend to fall asleep when I read, by wondering what is coming next in my book. My fiance also can tell when I'm having sleep problems and has figured out that if he rubs my head a certain way I fall into a deep restful sleep. I swear the man is a magician lol.

The other nights the stress gets me and I can't sleep, well that is something for the counsellor and I for sure. I love sleep. It's my best friend. I literally honestly LOVE sleeping lol. So no way no how is anything going to interrupt that for long without me tackling it head on hahaha.

I'm off to bed now and want once more, at risk of being a broken record, to thank you all for your kind words, and for so many of you sharing a bit about your own families experiences. It really helps to know that people can understand from a personal perspective as well. You really are the best group of people. You have helped immeasurably today, allowing me to talk this all out.

Hope you all sleep well tonight. I plan to sleep 8 hours without waking (knock on wood). My fiance is all geared up for the magic head rub. I shall have to clone him for anyone who has problems sleeping!

Nite CD friends.

 

[Marguerite]

I know it is right for me to have him out of my life. I have to live for me.

Good for you.

I had never known this, and here you tell me the very day after I have a long talk with my doctor about it!!!

What I'm talking about goes beyond just pain. And as for that book - don't waste any effort looking for it. I read an extract and in my opinion, it was rubbish. While I do feel that some level of psychoimmunology is always worth investigation, the "Love Your Disease" book took it way too far and insisted that ALL illness was COMPLETELY related to state of mind - utter bunkum. A very 80s/90s idea (which is roughly when the book came out).

There are other more useful references.

A suggestion with pain management (although you sound like you're already doing a lot of good stuff) - if you can develop a conditioned response with pain relief and meditation (or anything else) then you can use it to give your pain management a strong boost. I have a couple of really good visualisations which work well, especially if you combine them with existing pain 'tricks'.

An example of a useful conditioned response - back when I was working full-time and still trying to pretned I didn't have a disability, I waschugging pain pills. Often I would be so busy that the pain would be bad before I took anything, so I had a cup of hot coffee to wash the pills down and to speed up the absorption (hoping the hot drink would speed it up). What happened - my brain gort used to the connection between the taste of coffee and the actual pain relief of the pills. So one day when I had run out of codeine, I had the coffee on its own. And the pain eased!

I did this for the next three days and the conditioned response slowly wore off.

This doesn't mean that pain pills don't work and I may as well just drink coffee - it worked because I built up a connection with the coffee. It's a bit like hypnosis, you can 'trick' your brain into doing this. The pain was real, it was physical in cause. But the brain's response to pain is also physical but it can be 'fooled'.

Marg

 

[KTMom91]

I haven't been on for a couple of days, but have just read all the responses. Though I have no firsthand experience with this, I just want to add my love and support to you, Melissa.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Marg, I won't look for the book then lol. Very neat about the medications and coffee connection! I can completely see that happening!!! Interesting!

KTMom, thank you so much

 

[busywend]

I did not read all the responses because I am at work and should not even be here. But, to answer your question about risking a relationship with the newly found family....if they can sit by and let more innocent children be molested then you do not need them in your life. What kind of people could they be if they could sit by and not do anything to prevent others from the pain they have lived themselves.

Just MHO, I hope I did not offend.

 

[AnnieO]

Mattsmom - I hope you got some quality sleep last night!

I kind of agree with busywend on this - that if they are willing to let this continue to happen, they are themselves toxic. "All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing." (Edmund Burke) However, if the rest of the relationship is good, and given the pain this has caused, I also agree that having the family is a wonderful thing.

(Speaking of Edmund Burke, I wonder if he was a victim or close to someone who was - he also said, "An event has happened, upon which it is difficult to speak, and impossible to be silent.")

However, reading the comments and information presented by everyone is helping me - because of course I am still dealing with the anger that difficult child 1 holds against the creep. She's better at not taking it out on those who do not deserve it. But she's still hurting. And I am trying to be there for her. I cannot imagine the pain. But I know from the family point of view, how it feels for us to be so powerless to stop it, and even though it is over for difficult child 1, she relives it in her mind. In February, we repainted her bedroom and the hallucinations and flashbacks got a lot better - because she no longer sees him in there. It's her safe spot now. The only place she feels better is when we curl up on my bed and talk - and strangely enough, she feels the same with husband! Because she knows he won't hurt her. She knows he believes her.

Do you have a safe spot, someone to talk to like that? Someone close? I know when I am really, really upset about something, I have husband - and my Mom.

So I guess I have to say thank you for bringing this up. because maybe I will say something that helps you - but you are (all) also helping me. Reciprocity is a beautiful thing!

 

[Star*]

MattsMom,

I'm glad you felt comfortable enough with us to come back here and share your story. It would be nice to think that your story wasn't a common one in the world, but sadly it is. What IS uncommon are people like you who are willing to come forward and put men like him behind bars. However for my personal preference this is one instance where I would forget I'm a decent human and as for whatever you did to an innocnet to come back to you 10 fold.

I've been there, and so has Dude. We went as far as getting a prosecutor, and talking, telling our story to doctors etc...and I'll spare you our sad/sick little tale. When it came down to go time? My ex, like your abuser had people in his family who were pillars of the community and his way was bought out. We got a pathetic little note in the mail that there was not enough evidence to continue to prosecute. To save my own sanity from the tragedy I got therapy, forgave him in a way that allowed me to move on. Dude, has in his own way too by my example - but it will never be enough to make us forget. EMDR therapy helped me let a lot of baggage over it go. Dude has refused to go father than the beginning of that day. Some people never allow themselves to recover.

So you asked for advice - like should you move forward? Yes. Can you make your other siblings be as brave as you? NO. But you can convince them that what happened to you and them does not NEED to continue with your 11 year old sister. My heart goes out to you, and I'll keep you in my prayers. I will share one final thought.

WHen I started therapy about my x? I could cower in a corner or had my body wrapped up in a tight ball. I cried a lot over things I couldn't possibly understand. I had racing thoughts, I was scared every minute of my day, and I startled so easily I got a reputation as the jumpy girl. I literally was scared out my wits asleep or awake because as long as my x's dirty little secret was kept hush hush - he could continue with other people. When we drug it out into the light? OUr lives were threatened and my x is a psychopath.

It took me years before I was comfortable talking about it - but I trugged through. My final session with our therapist he (out of the blue) threw husband's name and abuse factor into the conversation to see how I'd react. I sat there for a minute not afraid, but not angry either. THen I said. What would I do if he came to my door tomorrow? I said I'd call the police & I'd peel his skin off with my bare hands. I said it calmy, matter of factly - and I mean every word. I'm no longer afraid. I think your sister deserves to have a life where she isn't afraid too.

Hugs & Love
So sorry for any of this -
Star

 

[lovemysons]

Oh my Melissa.

You are such a dear hearted, courageous person.
You are an Angel for your 11 yr old sister.

I just "know" this monster will be brought to justice. Like you said, In "G-ds time".

Will pray that your aunts and others will gain the strength to bring their stories out into the light as you so bravely have.

I am so sorry you have suffered so much...You have a "voice" though, one that deeply touches, has a strong effect/impression on those listening. Little doubt why you and the caseworker are bonding and she has trusted you with other info.

Just wanted you to know I am reading/listening...and praying.
You are a survivor of so much Melissa. And I agree with Daisylover..."everything happens for a reason". My easy child also says this, it's pretty much her motto.

I will cheer with you the day justice is brought.
Please be gentle...cry healing tears.
I am so sorry for all the pain you've been through, and I so hope, just know, that it will not be for nothing. I really believe you are going to help "save" your lil sister.

You are such a dear person.
With love and care,
prayers for justice,
Tammy

 

[mstang67chic]

I'm late coming into this but wanted to say a couple of things.

First of all....HUGS. You're doing a good thing for yourself, your sister and many others by persuing this.

As for the original question.....I don't have experience with this personally but put in the same situation, I would hope I would have the strength to do what you are doing. Personally, I would notify your aunts/family what you are doing and then proceed with things. If they are as open about things as you say and are willing, they will come forward. If not, they may just not want to face the old feelings again. But if they all of a sudden start denying things....one more reason to do this. And would you really want to continue a relationship with them if that happened?

If you feel you can handle the memories, any possible backlash from family or others associated with this person (he's not a man) then go get him! He needs to be locked away for the rest of his life. Preferrably in general population where the other inmates will make very clear what they think of his activities. But...that's just me.

You are doing a good thing...a VERY good thing and while I'm terribly sorry you had to go through any of this to begin with, I'm glad you have the perseverance to seek justice. You and the others affected by this creature are in my thoughts.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thank you to all the new posters. It is for sure sad to know so many affected by similar things .
I am blessed with my wonderful foster mom from my teen years in care. I can call her anytime for a loving ear. My fiance is also very much in my corner and there is nothing he won't put aside to make time if I need him. He's very sensitive to my mood. He knows when I need a healing cry. But if its a broken cry, he knows how to get me laughing and moving past as he knows that i find those type of tears damaging as opposed to healing.
I can do nothing to make my aunts or anyone come forward. They do know I am willing. They do know the prosecutor is willing and wanting to BADLY. They do know that the prosecutor needs one or more of them to come ahead with me to make a case. The balls in their court.
I do understand the feeling of what kind of people wouldn't want to help. Yet having spoken in depth with one aunt particularly, the damage to her life and psychological state is so horrible, she can't even remember under hypnosis the first 12 years of life. She wants, it appears anyhow, to be strong enough to come forward. Yet her fragile state is holding her back. I do have the impression she is trying to get support from her hubby and maybe a therapist to be able to come forward.
I do think my keeping my nose smack in the middle of this, by calling CPS, by calling the prosecutor etc, that I'll be able to ensure my sisters mother won't be allowed to have her go to visit our father. If that happens I will pursue with CPS for custody myself to protect my sister. I won't sit by while this man is near my sister. Sadly, he is with a new woman, with young daughters. I dont' have a clue who she is to tell her what she should know. I'm working on it though and if I learn who she is, I will arrive right at her door to ensure we can talk without my father stopping contact. CPS is monitoring that situation as well.
Thank you all for your votes of confidence. I know I have it in me to face him in court. Outside of court? Probably not. But in a courtroom? I could stare him in the eye and answer all questions asked. It would be healing for me to do that for sure. He no longer scares me personally. he can't hurt me directly now. I just want him stopped. I'm so grateful that the police in his area, the prosecutor and CPS are all invested in nailing his sorry butt as well. That will certainly help.
Your votes of confidence and uplifting words are so helpful everyone. Again, I can't express how much it means for you to all share in this with me and understand.
xo M.

 

[Marguerite]

For those of you critical of people NOT wanting to come forward - please be compassionate. If someone is feeling too fragile to do this, then it would be better that they do not try, rather than try and collapse emotionally and as a result the case having to be thrown out. For the case to collapse could prejudice any future attempts.

Nobody can know unless they were going through it themselves, exactly the same experience. Even siblings or other victims of the same perpetrator cannot have the same experience in common. Person A might come through well, peron B might be a total amnesiac cot case. THis is about abuse and control, it goes way beyond mere sex. The damage these creeps can do, goes so very deep that it can be damaging just trying to rescue the memories.

PTSD happens because during the trauma, the mind simply finds ways to shut off te pain, allowing it to surface later when you are (hopefully) in better condition to handle it. If you can't handle it, hopefully your mind will find ways to help (usually by burying it all again). How we recover, each of us, is very individual.

Matt'smom, you have some great support in place. I hope others will come forward and join the campaign. But if they can't, then I hope you have some positive experiences from your new contacts with other family members.

Marg

 

[busywend]

You are right - I should not blame them for their pain. It is not their fault. Perhaps that is why so many get away with it, their victims are too pained to do the necessary tasks to put the bad guys away.

It just makes me angry that anybody has to go through this type of abuse. Well, any abuse really. I hate when bad things happen!

 

[Mattsmom277]

Marg you are very correct. Every one of us comes out of these things differently. I know my aunts have just this past year began getting professional help. They are in their 50's and just now starting to TRY to heal. They are fragile for certain. I was in counselling off/on since my teens. I also didn't live with this man my entire childhood as these women did. I was there for 8 months. These women suffered years and years. And sick even more was my grandmother KNEW. The siblings were told "he is your brother, we love him, that's just the way he is". No kidding. Right until her death last year! Thus the reason only after the witch passed away they finally started getting some help, talking to each other, and went on a mission to locate me. I feel so much for these women. I look forward to meeting one of them this summer. She is planning to come here for a visit. Possibly with another of the sisters, that part is uncertain.
I am thankful for the fact that they are loving women, loving wives, loving mothers, and have been very warm and actively pursuing getting to know my kids and I and forge a TRUE relationship. Something good has come from this.
Anyhow, off to school to drop the girl child. But wanted to thank you all for being so non judgemental. We never do know without walking in anothers shoes. I had a fleeting anger at one point, that they weren't jumping forward instantly to open up this can of worms. It passed quickly as I heard the pain they suffer, the pain they have never healed due to their mother etc.
You are all so wonderful