Losing Hope and Need Help

[BusynMember]

CA, he has nothing because of his own choices. Don't feel guilty. I mean, you can feel guilty, but it won't make his life any better. Only he can do that.

It' is very normal for our difficult children to start ramping up their attacks on us when we set boundaries for them.

Have you ever read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud? Great book. Talks all about this issue. When you set boundaries, a normal person who respects you will respect your new boundaries. If the person is dysfunctional and likes your lack of boundaries better, that person will shun you or get furious. difficult children tend to get furious and shun us at the same time. They are used to having their way with us and when we tell them our new boundaries, they can get quite crazed. They especially dislike when we tell them we are no longer The Bank and that if they need money they will have to get either services from the government or a job.

You need your money. Your son is old enough to get a job and have money himself. He has a very loving family. He has you and his relatives who all wanted to give him a safe place to stay. Yet HE wasn't safe or acceptable and wouldn't follow their house rules so he was shown the door. That is on his shoulders. How long does he expect you to support him? He is almost 30. Does he expect you to support him for the rest of his life?

How about YOUR life? Are you doing things with others who value and love you? Are you involved in a job you like or activities you love to do or other fun outlets? Are you eating well, sleeping well, taking good care of yourself? Your son is young, but we aren't. Most of us are over 50. Others besides your son need and love you and want you around for the long haul. Also, you are ultimately your own best friend so it makes sense to be good to you

Disclaimer: Nothing I say is a must do. They are ideas and things that worked for me. Take what you like, if anything, and leave the rest

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry CaMom. Our kids often put us in the middle of a huge dilemma like the one you're presently in, forcing us to make such difficult decisions which feel horrible either way. It's a bad place to be.

Just so you know and can make your decisions with more information, our kids lean heavily into manipulation. Often they are entitled, lazy, selfish and cannot connect their behavior with the negative results the behavior brings. They blame others for their choices. When we stop the relentless giving and care taking of their needs, they generally react very badly and the threats and the fear tactics begin. It is very, very hard for us parents not to succumb to those threats and fears, we feel responsible and guilty and want to help.

Only you can decide how you want to handle this, however, many of us choose to remove ourselves from the other end of that tirade because most of the time, over time, it then stops. Going through it for you, the parent is tough, so it helps so much to get as much support as you can muster to help you stay the course.

You offered food and he refused. He wants what he wants and that is all there is for him. For you, there is no peace and there won't be any peace as long as you give in to his demands. You've already lived through this nightmare so you know how it usually ends up. Change your responses, that is the power that you have. Get support. Read other stories here on the PE forum. You're not alone, many here are going through very similar issues.

I hope you are feeling better today. Sending good thoughts...........

 

[Ca Mom Losing Hope]

We talked once more after I wrote this last night. He started with a very nice conversation about the lost dog, asking if we had found him, etc. It felt normal and i wish all of our conversations could be random like that. I really want to get to the point where we are talking about the weather and how everyone in the family is doing. Normal conversations. Within a few minutes we got to the reason he wanted to talk. He keeps saying, why am i cutting him off? What did he do to get cut off? When i hear him say this it makes me realize that in his mind he was going to have this gravy train for a long time coming. Not to mention that paying his rent, utilities and phone and anything i can send without sending cash, is not cutting someone off. The conversation went on to the topic of how he would be just fine if i would let him move back into the house. I told him that he can't come back here, as i have said many times. He asks why, and i tell him that he has too much anger towards me and in general and i don't have the tools or the knowledge to help him and that he needs to seek counselling. As well, i can't live with the tension and anger in the house as it is not comfortable. He threw that his brother is here at me and i told him that he too could not live here and has to work his way out to be on his own. I am not giving him any money and that he is going to school and has a job (difficult child called me a liar here, can't imagine that his brother has a job so soon after leaving from there) and that he never talks to me the way he does.

And then i said what has needed to be said for a long time. I told him that he probably can never move back into the house and that i have a right to not have my adult sons living in my home and that they need to be moving toward their own life. I think this was a shock for him to hear me say.

One other thing that has been on my mind quite a bit is why is all the focus on me? His dad has been trying to call him all week but when i ask if he has talked to his dad he says no. I told him that it is not healthy to focus souly on me. He needs to reach out to others such as his dad and his cousin and any other member of the family he hasn't hurt or is willing to apologize for the hurt he has caused. One side note, he hasn't spoken to my mother, his grandmother, in about 2 years. She sobs every time i bring up his name as this hurts her so badly. She took him in one of the times that he was down and out and when he made her feel like a prisoner in her own home and treated her horribly, she too kicked him out. He will not forgive her for this.

Anyway, today is another day. I was putting off talking to him until today but we can't always control the timeline and yesterday was the day life chose for me to deal with this. Today i am going to search for our lost little doggy and try to focus on my life and how to heal.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

difficult child called me a liar here

Oh, I hope your dog is found! It sounds like he's been gone overnight?

**************

On the difficult child front CA? I think you are holding up beautifully. It is a very hard thing to do. I don't know why the kids pretend they have no clue. (As when your son wants to know why he has been cut off.) You didn't ask us for a response to that one? But a good response might be something like: I love you. You need to stand up. You were raised better. I expect you to stand up and become the man I raised you to be. You will get nothing from me until you turn your life around. I love you too much to watch you self destruct and I am not going to help you do it ever again.

You are a man.

It helped me to remember that there are 19 year old soldiers fighting in strange lands with no help from their mothers...but somehow, our difficult child sons cannot manage to pay their electric bills.

It is hard to see clearly that our children are grown men. Just like when they were little and they needed to do something for their own good, we need to help them stand up now, as men.

This is true, and it helps me, to look at it that way, CA Mom.

Wishing well, holding strong for you.

Cedar

 

[tryagain]

I am so sorry you are going through this. None of us deserve it. The common thread I have seen between us all is that we we are all loving, caring people with grown-up children who will not or cannot act like grownups. Some do not act like grownups because of mental illness, others because of alcohol, drugs, etc. but by and large, they want to depend on us and milk us for what we are worth.

So that you will know you're not alone, let me tell you my current status. Just this morning I had posted that my difficult child who tried to commit suicide three weeks ago was doing so much better.
But now, I am sitting at a drugstore parking lot because I do not want to go to my house while she is mad. I just hope she's not burning the house down right now. I will sit here and wait until my husband gets home so he can calm her down. All this, because this afternoon she began to whine because we have asked that she not stay out all night but to please come in by 3 AM. You would think we had asked her to do the worst thing in the world. We had an argument about her not wanting to pick up her dirty clothes off the floor while she is staying with us. It led to quite an argument where I had to remind her that she is a guest in our house, free to leave anytime. So then I was called a bad mother. Just like your son called you! This, after we dropped everything we had and rushed six hours away when she overdosed three weeks ago to help her.

So I am sitting here feeling your pain and thinking of you. Just know that others definitely feel your pain and are here for you when you need encouragement support, etc.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

There's so much pain in these messages...sometimes it's hard to read through them and I've been where you are so I know how deep and intense it is...I'm sorry your difficult child is having a bad day, tryagain...I hope things are calmer now and her medications are starting to kick in more...

I'm so sorry CA that you are in the position to have to join this forum but I'm glad you found us...you've heard from some of our wisest and most experienced moms and I wanted you to know I'm reading along and praying for you all too...I was where you are, to some extent, 3 months ago so all of this is fairly recent for me...my difficult child, 19yo son, had to be kicked out of our house when he physically attacked me...police were called and he went to go live with my parents who have since disinherited me...it's been a hard 3 months but it does get better...my difficult child never threatened suicide but we often worried for our own safety and have a house alarm now...every step you're taking this week will only help you get stronger but, since your difficult child sounds a LOT like all our others, the stronger you get, the more desperate he will likely become...he'll use any kind of tactic he can think of to manipulate you back into doing what he wants you to do...they are masters at manipulating us moms and they know, better than anyone, what it will take to get us to do what they want...your difficult child has alienated most of his family, that is HIM doing that, you had nothing to do with that...and if you're worried about his resourcefulness this week, don't you wonder how he figured out to call you via Google? these are smart young men who know how to figure things out for themselves...some of the difficult children I've read on this site (like Echo's difficult child) are incredibly resourceful, always finding ways to get by on the streets even in the worst of winter...these men can figure it out and it will only make him find his way if you step back, focus on yourself and your husband, and let him live his life his way...you've given him all the tools to do well but he's got to find out for himself how to make his way...

keep strong...there are alot of good books out there to read (which is what I've done a lot of)...talk to your husband, go on a date...take a long hot bath with bubbles and don't answer ANY phone for several days...try and give yourself time to process all the drama you're surrounded by so you can find some answers for yourself...

 

[Albatross]

Oh Try, I'm sorry to hear that. Peaks and valleys, over and over again. I am so sorry you and CA Mom are going through this AGAIN right now. Of course your daughter knows that picking up her clothes and being home by 3 AM are reasonable. Of course CA Mom your son knows why he is not being given $. I don't understand why they say such cruel things, but we cannot change what they say or their inability to see things realistically and reasonably. All we can do is stay strong in telling them treating us so badly is not acceptable.

 

[tryagain]

Back in the Saddle, thank you for the good wishes. I hope that you can get some sleep and have a better day tomorrow, too. I also hope that my difficult child has a better day tomorrow. Hopefully she will start working this week (claims to have found a job, but she lies so much that we never know) so she can move into the apt that her unsuspecting new guy friend has offered to share...I am tempted to warn him, but she might truly come kill me if I did that.

 

[tryagain]

Albatross-bless you. And I have made a vow to myself to put into practice your excellent strategy of not offering advice. It got me nowhere today. I am just going to make myself as scarce as I can!

 

[Childofmine]

And then i said what has needed to be said for a long time.

What a remarkable step forward you made for yourself when you said something that has needed to be said for a long time.

CA, your situation and mine sound very similar. And as others here have said, when we start saying no, they will start ramping up.

It's hard for me to think like my son thinks, but in the past, he may have felt desperate when I began saying no. For a long time he bounced back and forth between his dad and myself. We are divorced, and for a long time we didn't communicate, so that made it possible for him to play both sides against the middle.

Now, we are in communication and we are both detaching from our son. In different ways, but we are both done.

I don't know why things happen like this. I don't know why we are pushed absolutely to the end of our ropes and we literally have nothing left to give before we tell them things that we should have been saying for a long time.

I don't know about you, but it was like my voice was paralyzed. I believe I was terrified. Of so many things, primarily for him.

Let me tell you about how things are right now with my difficult child.

Friday I took him the phone that came in the mail. We sat in the car for 10 minutes and talked about his plans. There were no raised voices. I didn't try to fix him or his situation. I didn't advise. He said things that were hard for me to hear, like sleeping between two bookcases in a downtown parking garage the night before. Several months ago, I don't think I could have borne that kind of talk without trying to do something, CA, ANYTHING.

Saturday, he called and asked if he could come over and see if his car would start. It was a beautiful day and SO and I were working in the yard. SO had decided to pull out this huge overgrown bush and was hard at it. When I told him difficult child was coming over, he said, well maybe I'll give him a little money to help me with this bush. That is what happened. difficult child worked for about an hour and a half and SO gave him $30. We all three went down to the fenced in area in my neighborhood where people keep their extra vehicles and boats. His car has been there since last summer when he was arrested. We all three worked with the car for about an hour (well, I didn't do much working with the car, but I was there for moral support). It wouldn't start. He is trying to sell it. I fixed him a pbj sandwich. He took a shower and got some clean clothes. Late in the afternoon he asked me to take him to the library. I did. It was hard to drop him off there. That was the hardest part of the day, though. The rest was very pleasant, like a normal family.

difficult child is like a different person right now. Is he using drugs? I don't know. He wasn't yesterday or Friday. But he is still homeless. He still doesn't have a job. He has lots of plans, CA. Will he make them happen? I don't know. I realize things could go either way, but I am working so hard not to meddle in his life. Not to advise, ask, guide, manage, control. Not to save him anymore.

It is very hard to know my precious son is sleeping in parking garages and abandoned houses. It is colder here tonight. I woke up last night in the middle of the night and felt a momentary panic about his safety. But I went back to sleep, CA.

I am just like you, CA. I have been where you are. It was awful, the most painful time of my life. Saying no to my son was almost unbearable to me, but I did it, finally. Now, we are trying to have a relationship and to see what that looks like.

Today, I wanted to text or call him on his new phone and say I washed and dried your coat, do you want to come get it? SO came in and said do you want to leave difficult child a FB message and tell him that Captain D's is hiring a kitchen manager for all three shifts? I said no.

I used to leap at those ideas, CA. I have now seen difficult child more over the past 72 hours than I have in months and months. It was good. But I am going very slowly, both for me and for him.

It's colder here tonight and the mom in me wants to know if he is somewhere warm. I have his coat. He has a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt. Is that enough? Where is he sleeping? What will he do tomorrow? Will he move forward with some of his plans?

I don't know, CA. But I believe with all my heart, with all my mind and with all my soul that I must stay out of the way.

I am sorry he got around your call block. That has happened to me. And many times, it was almost unbearable to talk with him. I do know this: having some physical distance can give you some space and time to collect yourself again. You can rest, clear your mind, and start to formulate some ideas about what you will do and what you won't do. Write it down, CA. That helps. You can always, always change your mind.

There is another thread here about what is detachment, enabling and tough love. One thing I believe is this: You can only do what you can live with. But if you/we/me decide to work on detachment and stopping the enabling, little by little, it will get easier and the good times will be more frequent and longer and the insane times will be shorter. Regardless of what our precious adult children decide to do.

I believe my son seems better right now. I don't know for sure. And I don't want to get too invested in what is happening right now, one way or another. The way for me not to get too invested is to keep some distance.

Prayers and blessings and peace for you and a good night's sleep tonight. We are here for you.

 

[BusynMember]

CA, you got great added advice. I do want to say that I think difficult child targets you because probably, in the past, you were the easier target.

Hugs and try to find some serenity amidst the craziness. We're here for you, on call 24/7.