Hello. This is my first post, but I've read lots and while I'm glad to see I'm not alone, I hate that so many parents and their children are struggling. Long story short, my son is 18 and was diagnosed with depression a year ago. Prior to that, he was seeing a psychologist for a few years off and on. I had known something wasn't right for a long time, but it took him a while to open up and talk. (Stubborn!!) Within the last year, he has made some bad choices. -Threatened suicide. Ended up in a horrible inpatient facility that took me two days to get him discharged (he was 17, no holds, the calming medications they gave him at the er turned him into a monster, and the facility lied to me to get me to admit him. Horrible experience). -DUI -2 totaled cars. Neither drug or alcohol related. Just bad choices. He is in a relationship with a girl who is also battling mental illness. They have broken up and gotten back together about 7-8 times in the nearly two years they've been together. Every breakup, he falls apart. Can't function. Currently, my son is up or down. One day/minute he is ready to get help and get better. (These moments are far and few between.) The next he minute/hour/day, he: -wants to die, end the pain, give up. -doesn't want to/won't take his medicine and doesn't want to consider other options because says he has tried medicine and it didn't work (he's tried 2). -says he's tried therapy and it didn't work (he's been to one psychologist and while it was good at first, he hasn't really done much to help recently). -says no doctor can help him. He's been to his pediatrician who we left because he wasn't taking my concerns seriously, started visiting a PCP who was also not interested, and a psychiatrist. I agree this psychiatrist is not interested in my son. Long story, but he basically took the "diagnosis" of the inpatient facility where my son NEVER even saw a doctor and went with it. He has asked my son very few questions and when my son told him that he didn't feel the medicine was working, that he couldn't eat because it made him sick, and that he rarely slept, the doctor simply said, "let's give it more time". We have looked high and low in our area for doctors to help and cannot find one that is reputable. Any tips on finding a good one? -says he's too far gone and he doesn't want to feel what he feels for another 18 or more years. -says doesn't want to depend on medicine for the rest of his life. -is very mean and hateful. -says no one understands his pain. I explain that no, I don't, but I want to help. -screams and yells that there is no help and that he's not worthy of help. -says he's felt this way for years, blames me for not seeing it sooner. He blames me for putting him in inpatient treatment. He blames me for expecting perfection (my other kids will tell you I expect perfect effort, not perfection). You name it, it's my fault. When he says he doesn't want to live and I tell him I need him, he says, 'it's all about you!" When he's up, he is the sweetest, most caring person I know. He has the biggest heart and loves everyone. He's hilarious, kind, and super smart. He has plans for the future. He sings and dances (just to be goofy or have fun). These moments are becoming less and less lately. My son is a 'quitter' by nature. Not something my older and younger children do. If my son makes a mistake, doesn't fully understand something, or if it's the least bit challenging, he quits and beats himself up for not being "perfect". He's a people pleaser and always worried about what people are thinking about him. This backfires all the time. If he upsets me or assumes I'm not happy with him, he gets mad, frustrated, 'quits'. He has a very short fuse and we always feel like we have to walk on eggshells around him. His girlfriend says she feels the same way. Here's an example: we were traveling and we stopped to go to the restroom. My daughter and I take a few minutes too long. My son tells me that we shouldn't take that long and stomps off to the car and slams my door. I tried to explain that we are in no hurry and I don't appreciate how he treated my car (calmly). He starts a huge rant about how I don't understand what he's going through and he just wants to stop living, etc. He is also the master manipulator and lies a lot. Just to add, my son was born hypothyroid. He was medicated his first five years of life. At five, the doctor took him off of the medications and tested his thyroid. The test results were "normal". His thyroid has been tested several times through the years and has always fallen within the high-end of "normal". Recently, though, his thyroid (I can't remember if it was TSH, T3, or T4) was 5.4 and normal is 4.50. The new PCP that we had heard was so great and good to listen to her patients refuses to refer him to an endocrinologist since his levels are so close to "normal". I know that being hypothyroid can cause depression so I really want to get this looked at. We just seem to have a really bad bought with doctors. My mom is a nurse in a different field and I have a couple friends that work with closely with mental health professionals and they have given me many recommendations based on reputations. All of these recommendations have not been I want to lead him to help. I want him to take it, but I can't make him. At what point do I stop helping? Also, any ideas as to finding the doctors we need? I've searched and searched and asked and asked and keep coming up empty.