Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jess5277, Jan 3, 2014.

  1. Jess5277

    Jess5277 New Member

    I know this is a terribly long post but I’m lost and desperate and appreciate your taking the time to read it.
    Hello parents –
    I wanted to take a minute to introduce myself as I can imagine I will be on this site frequently! J
    A little background-
    I was had my son very young, 21 and married his father shortly after. We had another girl (easy child) 17 months later. Their dad was both physically and emotionally abusive to me. We finally got a divorce when my kids were 2 & 1 1/2. Because I was a stay at home mom with no income I had no way of providing for my children so I agreed to let my ex have the kids for 6 months while I got on my feet. (still having daily contact with them just not living with them) In the meantime he moved with our kids to CA while I was in VA. Once in CA he went to court and was awarded full custody because I did not have the money to fly to the hearing and honestly never thought this would happen. I could go on and on about our case but after 10 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars later I was finally awarded full legal and physical custody; however, the battle scars on our children will last forever. My ex remarried shortly after our divorce, our children called her mom. They divorced about 2 years ago and she is no longer in our kids lives. My son has some serious abandonment issues.
    My difficult child son is now 15 1/2…going on 5!
    He was diagnosed with ADHD about 5 years ago, we have yet to find a medication that really works. He is currently a freshman and failing 4 classes. We tried to have an IEP a few years ago but he didn’t qualify because he scored so high. Now is a different story. We are going through the IEP system now. He is testing at a 4th grade math level.
    A few years ago he stole our laptop and went into the bathroom, I tried to reach in and grab him, the computer or at least keep him from locking it again. During this I accidently scratched his neck, it was no big deal a tiny scratch from my thumbnail left on his neck. However because of the bitter custody battle my ex ran with it and the kids were taken from me pending a child abuse investigation. After a CPS investigation and spending $20k on lawyers I was finally cleared of everything.
    This post would be 50 pages long if I gave every detail but about a year ago my son had to switch schools from the same kids and environment he had his whole life. He met a whole new group of “friends”.
    He has been caught “sexting” 4 times now. Of course he denies it and blames everyone else however I have now seen more of my sons body parts than I ever wanted to.
    He is extremely confrontational, we have had the police to our home more times than I can count. At the end of last school year he was caught shoplifting. Again he denies it, says he was keeping the jelly beans in his waist band and forgot about them!? Almost comical.
    In July he literally beat me up I had a lot of bruises but because the police had been to our home so many times I didn’t think they would help so I waited until the next day to report it. Then the cops wouldn’t do anything because there was no imminent threat.
    He is no longer scared of the police at all. If I tell him he can’t do something he doesn’t care, he walks right pass me and does what he wants. He’s locked me out of the house, poured water on my bed. I have contacted every resource I can find but haven’t found any help. CPS has been involved again because he slammed my 13 year olds daughter into the toilet. I have no control or authority over him at all.
    I’ve investigated every boarding school out there but I can’t afford anything.
    I took him to a scared straight program, he thought the whole thing was funny.
    I sent him to live with his dad because he’s actually scared of his dad. A couple of weeks ago they got in a physical fight. My ex pushed him and he fell back onto a dresser leaving a nice goose egg and punched him in the arm. My ex was arrested and charged with felony child abuse. He ended up being cleared of everything.
    Now he is back living with me full time and tells me I need to “hop off” him and talks to me in the most terrible ways.
    He’s a ticking time bomb. I am remarried but my husband is short (5’4”) and my difficult child is almost 6 feet. He is not scared of my husband at all, he taunts him by calling him “tough guy”
    We have been going to weekly therapy for years, I’ve seen some improvement but not much however who knows where we would be if he wasn’t going at all.
    We also just finished with a very thorough psychiatric evaluation which answered a lot of questions but not really any solutions.
    I am at a complete loss I don’t know where to turn.
    I feel like I’ve read every parenting book out there and tried everything. The police are useless. Seems like unless your kid has been in serious legal trouble there are no resources. Boggles my mind that they don’t want to help BEFORE it gets to that point.
    Oh and I don’t think he’s been drinking or doing drugs. I’m not naïve to it; I’ve given him random drug tests all of which he has passed.
    I'm wondering if he can stay at my house and I can go to a boarding school? ;)
    This group is another glimmer of hope for me…thank you…
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jess...wow. I am so sorry for your difficult life and you have my deepest empathy.

    This is just my take on things. I am assuiming son is either too damaged to help by his age and he has inherited some bad stuff from his father, etc...and he is dangerous to you and the others in your home. by the way, drug tests are FAR from a confirmation. Many drugs, like spice, don't show up. But if he isn't on drugs, then he is even more disturbed because he is acting as out of control and mean as a serious drug addict.Sexting is the least of his problems. It's not a GOOD thing, but his violence toward you and the girls are far worse. One of your kids is only five? Has he ever been sexual towards her? He is big enough to accidentally kill her in a rage, even if it isn't on purpose.

    If this were my kid, I'd be looking for a therapeutic residential psychiatric center where he could live and get help at the same time. Some are run by the state and should not be a major cost. I am surprised the justice system didn't recommend that already if they know him and his issues and the danger to you and your daughter that he is.

    Short of telling YOU to go to a center for domestic abuse (and I'm serious) I would not personally want this child in my home. I'd be afraid. He is a threat to everyone under your roof.

    You deserve some peace in your life. You have had such a rough ride. You are important and deserving of a calmness and serenity which it seems you can not get if you continue to remain stuck in this man size child's world.

    I am guessing there is a lot more wrong with him than ADHD and it is not fixable just by going to therapy week by week.

    Please...take care of yourself and post often. We are a free support group and available 24/7. Hugs and sad about your hurting heart and all the pain you've suffered. It is time to be good to yourself.

    I hesitate to say this and of course I have no degree or any qualifications to diagnose anyone, but he does sound like a budding antisocial. You need to protect yourself as he does not seem to worry about what anyone thinks, does not appear to fear anyone, and does not seem to have a strong conscience.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for all that is happening with difficult child. Your plan of action at this point is to concentrate on the others in your family, and yourself. They have to be safe. Call the cops right away next time he does anything physical to you, document his behaviors- everything. What did the cops do the many other times they were called, or when they saw the bruises? If you stand before a judge at some point, begging for help, that documentation will be very, very important. Facts only, dates, times, witnesses, precedents...etc will be important. If the cops have been to your home so many times, did they just leave and do nothing? If he's not scared of them, and his actions have no consequences, you're all in danger. Can't cps help you? He's the reason they are involved, good, he needs to be placed somewhere else. They can help you, I think. I hope you find a quick resolution.