Made a big decision about my difficult child and I'm just sick

[AK0603]

I keep second guessing my decision. I am so upset, I can't keep even water down. If I was childless I would go to the hospital I feel that bad.

History quickly, my difficult child is 10, diagnosis'd with several things, back and forth, bipolar, depression, anxiety, anger, mood disorder, ADHD. Been on several different medications and we recently 6 days ago released from a week long stay in the mental hospital for kids for threats of killing himself.

His anger has been out of control, especially with me. He is so defiant, not just to me, but to teachers, bus drivers, me, step dad, just about everyone. His bio father and I are divorced, we actually have 2 boys, but my oldest has these issues.

His bio father and I have a nice relationship and he has alot of respect for his father and step mom. They have no other children, they live in Indiana though. We have spoken about moving there so difficult child can be closer to his dad, and maybe this would help. I've thought about letting him let with his father for over a year.

Well this last month has just been so much to bear, he ran away from home, the hospital, counseling, and all I do just isn't working. And his father and I have decided for him to go live with him in Indiana (I'm in New York) we (my husband and I) talked about moving to Indiana anyways this summer after school gets out. But now my husband is anxious about doing it now, since he's from NY and I'm from there.

Honestly, husband and I aren't doing too well. He is supportive at times, and at times horrible to deal with, I find him selfish, and immature alot of times. I don't feel this is good for my difficult child either. BUT here is my dilemma, IF he doesn't want to move this summer, and I need too badly because I have NEVER been away from my difficult child more then 8 weeks at a time, he can force my 2 daughters to live here in NY due to custody and stuff. I'm so scared that if my 2 daughters have to live within so many miles of where we live now, and I have 1 son in Indiana I will only see him 8 wks in summer, 1 week at Xmas and 1 week at Spring break, of course I can go there and see him when I want, but 1,300 miles is alot, and we don't have alot of money.

I feel I have went down every avenue I can, and I think that he will prosper from living with his dad who can give him more attention then maybe I can, since he's 1 of 4 children. I have tried just everything, but his violence is out of control, and I'm scared for my other children's safety.

I called my parents today and told them (they live 2 hours away from bio dad) and instead of support while I'm crying so hard, I felt like my father just causally brushed his behaviors on being a normal 10 yr old boy. And made me really doubt my decision talking about losing my child support since 1 child will live with- dad and one won't.

I'm just sick over this. I have told difficult child and he understands, but he's went from crying, to anger, to giddy, to neutral, but of course I think he is scared too, mainly to change schools and leave his siblings. I just don't know what else to do. i feel like I have to try this, if I don't he's going to be in jail soon, or worse, hurt himself or by accident or otherwise one of us.

I'm so sad, so so sad. Someone please tell me this will all work out. Do you believe in faith?

 

[amy4129]

Amy-
I think that the HARDEST things for us are usually the best for our difficult children. I haven't had to practice detactment like some of the other Moms...I'm sure they be be better to answer than me.
I just wanted to know someone was out here and listening.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
Amy

 

[AK0603]

Thank you Amy, I'm sitting her bawling my eyes out. I keep wanting to call and tell him nevermind, I can't do it. I'm so scared, more then ever. :frown:

 

[amy4129]

Awww Amy,
I have flooded the keyboard many times. Like I said I haven't been there done that but your plan, despite your broken heart, sounds like a reasonable, safe way to change difficult child's enviroment.
What is the plan, if the move doesn't work after a trial period?
Amy

 

[AK0603]

Well the ex and I decided if he is no better then he can move back if he wants too, but I don't believe him really. I don't think he will want to let him come back, if he's the same.

I am scared he'll be worse because no siblings and never being away from me. But then again he may be wonderful.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but when I told him he cried and held me and begged me to change my mind. But within 30 minutes he was giddy and happy. I know he's sick, I just want him happy/healthy.

 

[AK0603]

Thanks for the support Nomad, I certainly plan on emails, calls, letters, care packages, etc... I'm a stay at home mom to all 4 kids and husband works so it's going to be hard to go there. We have a visit planned in April already though, (we had it planned before this happened) and I'm hoping to move July, so that won't be too bad. If I can't move in July I will be going there for at least 2 wks this summer, end June/first July.

I appreciate your comments. Thank you. :smile:

 

[pepperidge]

I just wanted to echo what someone else said. Generally if kids are having that much trouble, a move in and of itself probably won't be the cure. But his dad as you say may have more time to give him. I would make sure that his dad has a psychiatrist and a therapist lined up for him, school supports etc whatever he needs--there might be a honeymoon period but I wouldn't expect it to last.

My heart goes out to you. You are really caught between a rock and a hard place. give husband a little time, maybe he will come through.

 

[AK0603]

He does have both a psychiatrist and therapist ready, I'm calling the new school tomorrow along with faxing all his IEP stuff.

I just went downstairs to check on him and he is sleeping so peaceful, Ikeep picturing him as my 3 yr old little baby boy. And now I'm hysterical again, no sleeping tonight and I'm sure to have a whopper of a headache tomorrow.

I don't know if it will help or hurt him really. But he and my husband are really rocky relationship and I think he can use a break from that at the very least. Hell I need a break from it too.

 

[givnmegryhr]

I understand the prospect of having your son away from you. It sounds like you have a nice ex anyway. At least ,like you say it will give him a break and not to mention you and your other children. We recently went to get approved for family therapy and the therapist said that he really needs residential treatment. We were suprised to say the least. He brought up the point of the other kids and how they don't deserve to live like this. So I guess you could think of it like an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but at least you know your son will be with his dad. I know it doesnt make it much easier on your heart though. I do hope things work out for all of you. Best Wishes .

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #663366">sometimes the hardest thing we do as moms is realize we might not be the best person to parent our child <u> </u> AT THIS TIME <u> </u>. doesn't mean you are a bad parent....just means your son may need something differnt. sometimes the most loving thing you can do for him is let him go. it won't be forever. it won't.

i looked at your profile. i see that even tho he is diagnosis mood disorder/bipolar the only medications he is on is reperidal & zoloft. where oh where is the mood stabilizer. maybe lamictal since which is supposed to work well on bipolar depression? or one of the other mood stabilizers? maybe the zoloft is part of the problem rather than part of the solution?

kris </span>

 

[timer lady]

Amy,

In my mind, this would be no different than a badly needed hospitalization or treatment placement.

Is it right? Nothing about mental illness is right in children. Does it hurt? Hell, yes!

No parent who's had to make a decision of this nature does it lightly. No parent who's had to place a child in a different setting doesn't hurt; there's an underlying anger at seeing your child thrive in a different setting, knowing that it wasn't happening in your home.

And having said that, it isn't your fault. It isn't your child's fault. It's about the best setting for your difficult child to reach the highest level of functionality & stability.

In the meantime, the rest of your family will have time to heal. Time to discuss further options with-o being under the strain of a severely mentally ill family member. Time to regroup.

As kris said, this doesn't make you a bad mother or parent, your difficult child may need a different setting at this time.

Be gentle with yourself. None of this is right. None of this is easy - remember nothing is set in stone.

 

[timer lady]

by the way, I just wanted to add that "a family of different addresses" isn't a bad thing. It's just a unique way to parent.

It's a team endeavor for a child who needs a village rather than one set of parents, if you will, to help him grow into adulthood.

I'm co-parenting wm with foster mum & dad. In my mind, it bites. However, wm is thriving (for him).

Just a thought for your hearting mommy's heart. :warrior:

 

[oceans]

What a difficult decision to make. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like he is not stable on his medications. If he is thought to be bipolar, why has not anyone put him on a mood stabilizer? No matter where he is living, I would be thinking of that.

It sounds like it might be good for him and you if he were to spend time with his dad. It sounds like it would be very supportive for everyone if you could move there this summer. I hope for the best possible solutions for you and your son.

 

[house of cards]

If you look at my signature you can see my house is pretty much a zoo. I've often wondered how helpful an only or two child family would be for my difficult child. My son is triggered alot by frustration and siblings are frustrating, no way around it. I think it is surely worth a shot. It isn't neccesarily permanant andf your willingness to put your difficult child's needs above your feelings of emptiness shows just how great a mom you are. I hope the quietness helps him find more peace and less stress, and your family can grow stronger.

 

[TYLERFAN]

I agree with what the others have said. A move in and of itself probably won't change him. He will still be "him" where ever he is.....That being said, I think that this move is causing you alot of stress. If you feel ex is capable of handling difficult child, then let him try, let him see if he can get some help for difficult child. If nothing else it may help you and your husband get on better footing in your relationship.
There are no easy answers. And Yes, Faith is maybe the most important thing to have....don't lose Faith and Hope! :warrior:

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[Sheila]

Parents shouldn't have to make such hard decisions.

Big hug

 

[smallworld]

Amy, I'm sorry you are faced with this difficult decision. But I will echo what Oceans said: If he has bipolar disorder, your son needs to be on the right medications, or NO ONE (including your ex) will make any progress with your difficult child's anger, aggression and violence. Zoloft, even offset by Risperdal, can make any child with BiPolar (BP) completely out of conrol (I know, because I've lived this scenario with 2 children). The right medications include a mood stabilizer (Lamictal, Depakote, Lithium, Tegretol, Trileptal) titrated up to a therapeutic dose and allowed to take effect for 8 weeks (with NO antidepressant on board). Hitting on the right combo of medications can take a while, but in the end, it is so worth the time and energy it takes. We are still tweaking doses here and there, but I can honestly say my difficult children are doing much better than when we started this medication roller-coaster more than a year ago. Whether your difficult child lives in New York or Indiana, he needs to have a psychiatrist who understands early-onset bipolar disorder and is willing to work with your family day in, day out, to find the right combo of medications. It is only at this point that your difficult child will be able to access therapy and make progress with his anger and aggression.

Sending many gentle hugs to you.

 

[Sunlight]

Yes, I do believe in faith. I believe God has a plan. take your worries to God and ask him to work his plan out in the best way for all concerned.

be brave and before you make any moves, give it a trial period of having your son live with his dad. it might be better than you think and you might find that you enjoy the peace of knowing he is fine while you work on your marriage to your husband. you can always move, but you might move and find your son is no better. go a bit at a time.

 

[Fran]

In my mind, you are suffering with several decisions,options and problems.
1)what's best for difficult child
2)will ex do well with difficult child
3)will difficult child improve
4) will difficult child ever return to be close to you
5)should you go to live close to difficult child with husband or without husband.
6) should you stay with husband (sounds like you have issues about living with husband forever)
7)will you lose the girls if you leave husband
8)What's the right choice.

Regardless if difficult child is normal teen stuff or a full blown difficult child by your dad's standards, difficult child has had enough problems and issues to be in trouble. No one keeps a child in the hospital for a week for normal teen stuff.
So throw the idea that you are over reacting out the window. He needs attention of some sort and it's obvious what you are doing isn't working(just like it didn't work for me-no judgement here)

Your ex is his parent too. If he gets difficult child on track, it's a little painful to the ego but it's in difficult child's best interest. I would not hesitate to do anything that would help my son. I would swallow my pride as long as difficult child improves. I'd send difficult child as soon as possible to his dad.

Whether to move mid year with difficult child is a question. Is it in the best interest of the 3 other children? Should you wait until summer? You will have to weight the pros and cons. difficult child won't be free and running the streets but with his father. Give the other three kids time to heal and time to adjust.

Your big problem is what are you doing with your marriage? Are you going to continue or are you trying to prevent custody issues if you leave? This is the underlying trauma going on in addition to your son going to dads.

It's a lot of decisions but for a difficult child whatever you decide you have to ask the question,"who does it serve?" If sending difficult child to dad's is difficult child's best interest then do it. If it is a way for you to leave husband and not in the difficult child's best interest I would re examine the issue.

Try to write down a list of what's happening and look to make the most balanced healthiest choice for difficult child and the other kids and for you.

 

[TerryJ2]

"I have tried just everything, but his violence is out of control, and I'm scared for my other children's safety."

If this is the case, you have made the right choice. Plus, husband does have more time to devote to him.

You need to do something for yourself right now. This is hard, so very hard.

{{{cyberhugs}}}