Managing friend requests

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Marguerite, Sep 13, 2010.

  1. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    When the site got changed some time ago, friend requests were made possible. Now, I don't do Facebook or anything like this. You wonder why I am on this site as much as I am? It's because I'm nowhere else in cyberspace.

    So when people began "friending" me, I happily clicked "accept". But the problem is, what happens next? What are the advantages? Disadvantages?

    Of course I'm not a total ignoramus about these things. I have heard some of the ethical debates such as "my new boss wants to be my friend on FaceBook, I'm not sure I want that level of intimacy with my boss but how do I politely refuse?"

    Then there is the marvellous song by Kate Miller-Heidke (Aussie singer). Don't look this up unless certain four letter words don't bother you. Google the singer's name in double quote marks then "are you kidding me?" without quote marks. And you will understand... and laugh, if the word doesn't bother you.

    I already had a number of friends, some of whom are old, familiar avatars and others much newer contacts, when close together three new members asked to "friend" me.
    Now, I didn't want to discourage them. But I didn't want to enter into something I didn't fully understand and didn't want to slow me down in other ways, either. So I waited and thought. While I waited and thought, these new contacts vanished from the CD scene. NOW what do I do? Every time I log on, there are those "manage your friend requests" blinking at me, making me feel guilty. What if they still lurk, waiting for my response, to know they're loved? Or maybe that is an arrogant thought. I'm not Lady Ga-Ga, collecting friendships like gun notches.

    So today I finally decided - I am no longer accepting new "friend requests". This doesn't mean I don't want to be your friend. If anything, what it means is, you are all my friends and I don't want to discriminate. Any of you can PM me any time.

    For those of you who are on my friends list - if I seem unresponsive, don't take it personally. I haven't a clue how that side of things works (or if it does anything).

    So I finally declined those incoming friend requests. I suspect most of them are long gone anyway and won't notice. I did try to PM them to explain, but I figured this was perhaps a better way. I can tell everybody. Save time.

    And as I looked over my list of friends, I noticed some particularly surprising absences, people I love to bits and who have corresponded with me privately. You know who you are. No, don't rush to 'friend' me. It can't increase how I already feel about you.

    So for me, the membership list is my new friends list.

    One final request - would those few of you who know my real name, please do not use it when you post publicly? Not all messages to me personally, are private!

    And I will try to do the same.


    Last edited: Sep 13, 2010
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think that was the cutest post I've read in a long time, Marg. Thanks for being a friend. Hee hee hee~

    Honestly, I didn't even know you could do "friends" on this site at all. When you hit "ignore" on sites such as Facebook, the sender of the request doesn't know you've hit ignore - they may think you didn't receive and then 'friend' you again - or, they may think you just don't look at those requests. I usually delete all requests, especially the recommended pages and causes, ugh. There is this one guy from 7th grade (!!!!) that friended me on Facebook. I took a look at his page and discovered that we stand at opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of political beliefs, causes and hobbies. There was no way I was going to accept his friend request! Yikes!
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I love that! LOL I looked it up, and am laughing my rear end off!

    Marg, we know you love us. You're here! You post!
  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Add me to a list of people who didn't know you could do that here. I'm guessing nobody has sent me a friend request over the years because I would think I'd stumble across it sooner or later lol. Don't feel bad about your decision on how to manage your lists etc. The only site I use for social stuff is FB. My list there is discriminating. I can see how lists can get out of hand otherwise.

    I must do that google search now lol
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    :rofl: I have so many "holes" in my friends list... I certainly hope that no one thinks its an inclusive list! :rofl:
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I haven't bothered with the "Friends" program here because I didn't see any purpose to it. I figure that my friends respond to my posts. That's good enough for me. :)

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I never quite figured out what the friends list was for actually. Im sure there is something that it can streamline but as of yet, I have figured that out.
  8. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I never really knew what it was for either or what purpose it would serve here. And wasn't there also something for "Groups" here too? I've never participated in either one of them ... what is supposed to be the purpose of it?
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Ditto. My friendship is shown via postings. I spend too much time just trying to scan daily to see if any of our family needs support that day...and even wish I had more time to respond to more than I do. DDD
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I invited people as Friends when I first found the option. These were just a few who I seemed to have the most in common with or those that we seemed to be responding to each others' threads a lot. Then after I realized that having someone listed as a friend didn't seem to offer anything to either of us, could be interpreted as excluding someone else if it did offer something special, and I rarely even look at someone's profile page anyway, I stopped sending them out. I haven't deleted any friends but haven't added any either in close to two years or longer.

    So don't worry about it Marg, I think most will form their opinions of a person based on "learning" about them thru their posts. And we all know you care, try to offer good sound advice in a sensitive way, and don't look for clicks to join around here.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Thanks, guys.

    I have had two main worries:

    1) New members, who send me a friend request, and I feel churlish if I refuse but also don't want to keep accepting them if it is only going to complicate things. I'd accumulated a number, and finally responded. Two of my responses bounced, so it seems the memberships got deleted for some reason.

    2) people who send me messages, thinking they're PMs and who put information in them that is a bit too public. I don't know how to fix that up, I don't even know if it can be done. So the more 'friends requests' I accept, the more people are likely to see this stuff and it worries me, especially when I am trying to hide from some people knowing I post here. I still worry about stalkers who have bothered me in the past.

    So again, tanks for the feedback.

    If a mod can help me with the confidentiality thing, I would be grateful.

  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm not positive, but I think you can delete messages that are posted on your profile page, if that's what you are referring to. I had someone post something that contained personal info on mine by mistake (thinking she was PM'ing) and just PM'd her and asked her to remove it, which she did. Or someone did, somehow.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'll have to PM. I can't do anything myself.

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think I figured it out, if it's a message on your profile page. Check the box next to "Report" at the right side of the message- (I don't think it actually reports the person or message.) Then, click on "moderation tools" at the lower right corner of the page and "proceed" for "delete". Another page should come up and you have to click again to proceed and finalize the deletion but it should work.
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Thank you. I didn't want to cause a fuss and I certainly didn't want to report someone for what was intended as a loving, friendly but very personal message. But in finally being able to delete it, I've preserved two "clark kent" identities, not just one.

    Also, as I said - it was only a small facet of the "friends request" problem.

    Increasingly, on this site we are ALL friends! One of the reasons I love this place.

    Thanks for the help, klmno. I owe you one (or 20).

    I'm perhaps a tad more vulnerable than usual right now, as I'm suddenly getting spammed by bulk emails from a listserv I barely subscribed to (if at all) over 15 years ago! Suddenly, I've been getting loads of emails to an old email address which happens to still arrive in our in box, but to which I cannot reply, without giving them my new rmail address. husband managed to get on to "unsubscribe" with the now-dead email address, but we're still getting mail. I figure it takes a while for the emails out there to wind down.

    People - NEVER set up a support network using listserv! Back when we did "The Black Balloon" there was a network that some of te other parents got us into, that used a listserv. As the group grows, it's like trying to hold a private conversation in a room increasingly filled with deaf people.
    You say to your friend next to you, "Doesn't Clara look nice?"
    The responses from all around are, "What?"
    "No, it's not hot."
    "Is there hot pot?"
    "Yes, he is a good shot, isn't he?"
    "Fizzle me? Pardon?"
    "Yes, I'll have a carton of beer too, please."
    "Sheer ease, certainly."

    I hate listserv.

    The secret in responding to someone on listserv, is to choose just their email address (which should be at the top as "sender") and type in your reply to them. NEVER click "reply" because it defaults to "reply to all" and what I have been getting, is loads of people saying either, "What?" or "I think you have sent this to my by mistake," or "please unsubscribe me, then confirm that you have by email."

    I remember when we belonged to that very small network a couple of years ago, there were only about 30 people, and it was frankly too cumbersome. We were trying to discuss a picnic location, and even that was fraught with conflict, confusion and eventually, no result.
    With our current problem, it's a mob whose newsletter I looked at for a couple of weeks, then I stopped. If I had to receive it, I would have unsubscribed. After only a few weeks. So to get all this now, after a break of 15 years, is bizarre. I think their system has been bot-hacked and all the old, dead email addresses have been resurrected.

  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm glad I could help- I'm ultra-sensitive and down on myself lately so it probably makes me feel better than it does you if I can offer something- anything- at this point in time!