Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by crabby erin, Jul 29, 2009.

  1. crabby erin

    crabby erin New Member

    So, is there any hope for me finding a husband while I have these children? ;)

    I got my kids as toddlers, then married a couple of years later. That marriage did not work out (not due to the kids). Now, a few years have gone by, difficult child's behaviors have worsened, easy child/difficult child is hard to deal with sometimes, I'm wondering if I'll ever find anyone worth having who can deal with this stuff!! I'm thinking probably not! Who would willingly walk into this mess??!!!!
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Erin... Speaking from the point of view of one who took on the disaster... Someone will. Don't worry about it, though. It will come in time. Actually both husband and I had sworn off marriage again and then met. After 3 dates we both knew. Broke every rule in the book. Said I love you too soon, talked marriage too soon, etc. and so on. But... here we are 6 years later... It's worse now than it was then... But I love the whole kit & caboodle.

    Except for the batcave.
  3. Christy

    Christy New Member

    That's a tough one. The reality is that you are probably so wrapped up in the needs of your children right now that it is difficult to find the time to get out there and meet the right guy. That being said, it's not impossible. Keep your eyes open in places you frequent for a mature single man. Let friends and select family members know you are interested in meeting someone. I mentioned to a friend one evening when we were having dinner that I'd really like to meet someone and the next day she was listening to a co-worker give a presentation and thought, hmmmm... Her co-worker and I have been married for 10 years now and she says she would have never even thought about fixing us up until I made that comment at dinner.

    Good Luck!
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For me, it wasn't possible, but that's very specific to my situation. After my 2nd marriage failed, I decided I was better as a single parent, vs. trying to juggle a relationship as well as deal with two difficult children. I simply didn't have the time or the emotional energy to devote to it. I did date, and made some great friends along the way.

    I don't think it's impossible.. . I know many women here have found someone in the midst of all the chaos and maintained successful relationships.. it just wasn't in the cards for me, and I learned to accept that. Now that my girls are grown, maybe.... ??! Who knows.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Anything's possible!
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Maybe the way to look at it is that you find a friend that grows into a significant other. You should have a bit of comfort and nurturing but I can't imagine that anyone would willingly move into a home with difficult child's unless they think they can fix them or seriously had no clue how involved these kids are.
    Sometimes if you aren't looking for love it just happens. In the meantime, a good friendship would seem doable. Your kids are in their early teens so 18 isn't too far away. It will get easier when they are out of high school. Not that the teens are easier but you are less engaged.
    I imagine life gets lonely when you are a single parent.
  7. crabby erin

    crabby erin New Member

    I did have a significant other who decided that he could not cope with difficult child's behaviors. I appreciated him being honest, but it still broke my heart. He did not ask me to choose, he probably knew I would not pick him! My friends have said he's a jerk for not accepting the kids. But, I don't see it that way. I think he did the "manly" thing by saying "You know, I will not be good in this situation" whether it was for selfish reasons or not.

    Anyway, someday, someday....

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    There is someone out there that you will meet, or see in a new light some day. He will be willing to learn how to be a good friend/father to the difficult children, ad he will help you juggle everything.
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't think he was a jerk either, crabby. I think he was realistic. They get to "choose," we don't... very big difference. I was hurt when that happened to me, too, but I understood.. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who couldn't cope, anyway.

    No disrespect to some of the other commenters, but it always bothered me when people would tell me that "the right one just hasn't come along" or that he *would* come along eventually. I simply don't believe that's true for everyone. I think for many women, hearing that phrase over a period of time begins to wear on them and creates feelings of inadequacy if (when?!) he doesn't show up. I don't mean that it's wrong to wish or hope for that, but I worked hard on accepting that if he didn't, I'd be ok. He still hasn't, and I'm still ok with that :)

    I think the answer is, hopefully one day you will meet that guy, but if you don't, you'll still be ok ... surround yourself with loving friends and your life will still be complete. If one of those friendships happens to take fire, all the better :)
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Honesty is a good thing. Vicki is right, they get a choice and most of us don't.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I think it's possible, because Hubby married me in spite of Miss KT's antics. Our earlier history helped, I'm sure (Hubby and I were friends in high school, 20 years before we got married) because he knew he wanted to marry me and was willing to take on my kid. If the situation had been reversed, though, I'm not sure if I would have married him. His boys were nearly grown.
  12. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I agree with Fran and Vickie too. They have a choice and we do not. Honestly, although I've never been in this situation and probably don't have a right to say this, I don't think I would be able to take on the responsibilities, chaos, and problems that come with raising someone else's difficult child.

    I also agree with Fran that it must be very lonely raising difficult children by yourself. I hope that you're surrounded by caring and loving friends and family and have a good support system in place.

    I agree with you that you don't need a significant other to have a happy and fulfilling life. However, if that is what you want, I truly hope someday you find the person of your dreams... SFR
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    My H and I were friends for a few years before we became romantically involved. He went in with both eyes wide open. Of course, my difficult child didn't have all the attitude then (at age 2) that she eventually developed, but the friendship was there and I really think that is the part of our relationship that has helped us get through some really difficult times over the years.

    Our marriage isn't perfect, but I have to admit that even when I considered leaving him, it was the friendship that made me take pause. Also that he's been a good dad to my girls since they were little and he loves them so much - calls them his own. Most people don't even realize he is their stepdad.

    It's difficult to be a parent and a lover while raising regular, run of the mill kiddos - having difficult children only adds more challenges.

    I think trying to separate yourself once in a while for some adult time with friends will open you up to meeting someone of significance. And starting as friends creates a nice foundation on which to build something stronger and more intimate. Rushing towards romance is not usually a great idea, but even moreso when there are kids involved.

    Try to involve yourself in something just for you; tap into what interests you and see what you can do to create a life outside your kids first. Then see what happens.
  14. crabby erin

    crabby erin New Member

    Thanks everyone for replying to my post! Lots of good advice. In fact, I'm going to a concert this weekend with a group of girl'll be fun to get out and forget about things for a bit!

    But ya know, sometimes ya just want some male "companionship" (wink, wink) if ya know what I mean!!!! LOL