Mr. 34 Year Old is going to drive me to drink...I seriously need to vent (LONG)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Jun 16, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sportsfan is the problem right now. Since Sportsfan is hard to type, I'm going to call him S. He is probably the most dysfunctional and unhappy and selfish and hardest to deal with than all of my other children combined. This includes Sonic who has autism, but has a great nature. I will give you some background then tell you what is going on now. I doubt you have any answers, but am open to any suggestions as to what to say to him. I'm ready to let the phone just ring and ring when he calls. He has lots of mental health issues, does take medications, and implodes under pressure. Well, he's under pressure. His wife asked for a divorce and ever since then my peaceful world has been filled with suicidal threats, constant phone calls, and other unpleasant stuff. He has never been that stable so I'm trying to help, but he is in Missouri and I am in Wisconsin.

    S. was a VERY difficult child. He was afraid of everything and had some really strange traits, such as being unwilling to throw anything out. He had no delays; he was gifted, but he would do thinks that made my stomach turn. I remember one day we were at the park and he was on the monkey bars. A little girl was climbing up below him and he deliberately stomped on her hand, smiling when she screamed and cried. Stuff like this happened all the time. He was in therapy early and often. He was not a nice kid. As he got older, he got more not nice. I'm not going to go into the stuff he did (too long), but he had depression problems very early (like I did). He did have a lot of friends, but he was kind of a bully in his crowd. He didn't start fights, but would instigate t hem. His siblings did not and still do not like him very much.

    Being bright, he was accepted into college, but he had to drop out. His mental health issues kicked up to the sky. The most disturbing one was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), in which he felt compelled to count every single word that everybody said. He could not listen to the professors in college without counting and his anxiety level blew so high that he quit and wen on Disability for a while. He then started obsessing on his breathing and counted his breaths and was afraid he'd stop breathing. It was constant. He lived with ex by then and was always in ER. Finally, he was put on some good medications, started running each day,and his life came together. He met J. and married her. But he had terrible panic attacks during their marriage in which she had to take care of him. At first she was full of sympathy. As time went on, she got annoyed and started to stop being very sympathetic, and he feels his anxiety killed the marriage. It may have been one facet. It probably was. But he also can be very controlling. she's no peach either. I feel sorry for my grandson, who is already a difficult child.

    Anyway, they stayed together for ten years and during those years S. maintained pretty well, calling me once in a while so I could calm him down from a panic attack. His wife didn't know how...she had never had a panic attack. S. was always in therapy and liked his therapist. One time J. (wife) started groaning about being married and started acting single (this was after my grandson was born) and I thought they were going to call it quits then. Although S. was frantic about it, he lived in Chicago, which was much closer to family so he was not alone.

    S. didn't want a divorce and he worked very hard with his therapist to be the kind of person he thought Jj. wanted him to be. It was one of his finest moments. He changed a lot for her and we were proud of him. Still, although J. decided to the time I didn't trust that it would continue. I warned S. that if she could do that once, she could do it again, but he was sure they were going to live happily ever after. I'm not one to meddle in my kid's relationships so, even though I didn't trust their marriage to last, I just let it drop. Plus he'd get angry if I did otherwise...I stayed out of it.

    Years passed and S. was working for a company that seemed to be on a downward spiral. He was afraid the company would go under, and somebody in Missouri offered him a really good job. Knowing S., I didn't think it was smart for him to go so far away from everybody in the family, but he insisted that he had to do it if just to prove to himself that he COULD. So he moved. Two years went by and wifey J. got a job where she started making a lot of new friends and again she started staying out all night and the same ole kicked up again. Then she asked for a divorce. It happened really fast. In a matter of about a month, she was out every night again and suddenly telling S. how unhappy the marriage was making her. S. was alone with grandson all the time.

    I really feel bad for my grandson. I wish I could rescue him from this mess. However, there is nothing I can do to help him...he is there and I am here and he is not allowed to leave Missouri now per a judge. Neither parent can take him from the other. My son's mental illness has blasted out of the woodwork and every day he calls me to give me a sordid update and a plea for help. It's always doomsday. He can not handle it. He also has no therapist now because where he lives there aren't many, and he also can't go see any of them during the day when he works (and none of them have evening/weekend hours). Or so he tells me. So he has no therapist and he's going through a divorce and he's losing his mind. He threatens to kill himself. Well, he did until I said I was going to call 911. He demands that either me or ex go down to Missouri to stay with him because he needs us so badly. Actually, I believe him. He doesn't have any friends down in Missouri that aren't also J's friends and they were her friends first and more and that means that, really, he has NO friends. He is very shy. I couldn't go to Missouri if I wanted to. I have a husband and two other kids here who still need me.

    S. gets so anxious that he can be very abusive to me on the phone. I calmly tell him to call me back when he can be nice and I hang up. I worry about Sweetpea and don't sleep well. I worry that S. will kill himself and don't sleep well. I think about how there is nothing I can do and I don't sleep well.

    This is the first time I have been this anxious over a child of mine since Julie took drugs. That was almost ten years ago. I am still in therapy plus I go to a woman's group once a week, but I'm thinking of joining Family's Anon. or Emotions Anon. if they have one around here because I need to get a grip myself. There is no drinking and drugs involved so AA or NA can't help me this time. This is S. in the raw...this is my mentally ill son who I also think probably has some sort of personality disorder.

    This is coming at a time when things were pretty peaceful here. Hub and I just passed our 17th happy anniversary. Julie is doing well in Chicago with her job and her relationship. Sonic is getting GREAT services and is the sweetest young adult on earth. Yes, he has a few issues, but they are easy to deal with. Basically he is delightful. Jumper is da bomb. She broke up with J. and is her old self again, happy, outgoing, always with her friends and having fun.

    I didn't need and don't want this other stuff that S. is placing on me. Unfortunately, I have mental health issues too and stress out easily. I'm 80% better than I used to be, but THIS is bringing me down. Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't want Depression and Anxiety back in my life again...not to the degree they used to visit me.

    If you read all of this, thank You deserve a medal :) I guess I don't have any questions because I know what to do, however I don't think I can cut him off completely. Maybe I'll talk to him once a day. I am NOT going to MIssouri. I can't afford to go to Missouri and the rest of my family is here. Now I'm just babbling, but I'm glad there is a place to write this stuff down.
    Well, thanks a lot for "listening." I'm going to veg out with hub and watch a movie. I need to take my mind off of this. In the end, there is absolutely nothing I can do.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2012
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Hugs. Do you think he will check himself into phos? Sometimes the hardset thing to do is nothing.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He needs to be in one, but no. He is afraid that it will negatively affect custody if he does. I sure wish he would.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know he's seeking some form of help, but it stinks that he's laying this at your door when you're too far away to do much. Him expecting either you or ex to swoop down and come to his rescue is over the top, even if he IS freaking out. If he is suicidal he needs to go to the ER. Yup, if he admits it there he'll probably be admitted but given his current state of mind, I'm thinking that is probably not such a bad idea.

    And I'm thinking there is probably at least ONE therapist in the area with at least ONE day that has evening hours. We're rural as heck and not very big at all and I can think of several here that at least offer that for people who work. Those that don't do late hours will often work Saturdays, at least in the mornings. He's most likely not in his comfort zone right now looking them up.

    Since his drama, and while I realize he has a life crisis going's still drama, at least the part you're beginning to effect your mental health I'd limit when he can call or for what reason he can call. You could probably call the county mental health where he lives and get the hotline number for when he's saying he's suicidal. I'd be referring him to them honestly instead of trying to field those calls myself at a distance.

    Sorry. Probably wasn't much help but this is a really difficult situation and the distance doesn't make it any easier, except perhaps that he's not standing on your doorstep doing this sort of thing.

  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (((HUGS!))) I wish I had some great words of wisdom. Can his family phyician (gp) give him some medications? Maybe he can just relay how he's feeling and gp can give him something to feel better.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im not surprised he cant find someone to see him after hours or on the weekends. I cant even find a therapist who takes my insurance much less during less than ideal hours. Id be better off if I had straight medicaid.

    MWM, I get where you are coming from because so many times we can get triggered by what is happening with our kids. I would have a very hard time in your situation and have been in it before as you know. I can only imagine how hard it is to be that far apart. Im having a really hard time having one of my own in MO. Damned that state! We should get a board posse and go take it

    Since you cant go there for S and having him call is so hard for you, how about suggesting that he email you? That lets him put word to paper and get his feelings out just like you did on this post. Sometimes writing does help more than just talking as you well know. I used to email my therapist a lot and we worked through quite a few things in just casual emails. Surprising.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    The only real experience I have with mental illness is the bout difficult child had with depression when he was 8 and 9. I do know that, at that young age, I was there every minute as his "soft place to land" and it was all encompassing.

    Since the other two at home are old enough, is there any way you could go for a "visit" for a few days or a week? It would give you time with your grandson and time to access the situation better. I don't know, I kinda think that a mom's job is never really done and maybe he would really benefit from your physical presence.

    Again, I don't deal with mental illness so my suggestion may be way off.

    Regardless, I'm sorry that your son and grandson are going through this difficult transition. It's tough enough to be the one "dumped" in a marriage; dealing with mental illness as well definitely can make it a dark place. I hope they are able to make sure your grandson's needs are met during this time. I'm sorry that you are so drawn in and it is making your life so full of stress and anxiety.

  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    MM, I am sorry you are going thru this. I think this is one of those times where you need to "put on your own oxygen mask first."

    IIRC, you and your ex are on ok terms? What are his thoughts? What about Julie? Maybe the 3 of you can out your heads together and find a solution?
    As for sweetpea-it doesn't seem as though he is a stable presence for his child right now. Maybe taking a few days off to visit you or Exh without his son could help him? A change of scenery to visit his mom or dad shouldn't impact his custody fight.

    Just thinking aloud. Hugs to you. Stay strong.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, and thank you all very, very much.

    Janet, let's wipe Missouri off the :)

    Ok, my problem is, although my kids are older and I'm off for the summer (sounds ideal, right?), I can not afford to go to Missouri. Driving is out of the question. Our cars are all over ten years old. I have NO sense of direction anyway...I'd end up in Canada. My husband works and has no time off left, and he has eye problems and needs surgery and can't drive that far. Seriously. Last time I visited, I flew and it cost about $800 in all to visit, food included. I don't have it. Period. Not even close. We live paycheck-to-paycheck. If I had the money or could get it from anybody, I would do it. It's just not an option unless I can drive to Chicago (I know my way there) and ex drives the rest of the way. He has money and a new car. But he refuses to go. Julie doesn't like her brother and also is on a shoestring budget plus she works. Julie has very good reasons not to like her brother.

    I told S. to come here for a stay, but he has a job (that he is not doing very well at right now) and won't leave SweetPea. SweetPea is not allowed to be removed from Missouri at this time.Bottom line: I am not able to go to Missouri and nobody else will. His father is helping him out TREMENDOUSLY financially. He's lucky to at least have that. He has a great lawyer and ex is helping him pay for a new place to live and he's helping him A LOT. However, S. implodes under a lot of pressure and, to make matters worse, he is very mean when he is imploding. I have not seen this side of him for YEARS.

    I wish I could just take my little grandson and keep him here while this ugliness is going on, but J. would never allow it. She doesn't think divorce is a big deal or that it affects kids much. After all, when HER parents got a divorce, she was thrilled (she has told me this). She doesn't see divorce as a bad problem for a child.

    So I guess I really am out of options except to just talk to him, when he is able to be civil. Perhaps he will end up in a hospital, whether he wants it or not.

    I knew it would be a bad move for S. to move to Missouri, but I'm not big on saying "I told you so" after the fact.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    J sounds
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2013
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Janet, J. actually LOVED her father who died young. So she thinks that they need their dads, but she doesn't believe that divorce impacts a child. She has the brains of a severely challenged fruitfly and she always did. The first time Julie met her, she said to me, "Wow, is that girl ever a ditz!" S. is extremely intelligent so I'm not sure what the draw was, but J. was very pretty when she was young (she has since become extremely obese). I give S. this: He loves her anyway. He doesn't care how she looks, she is the mother of his son and he does love her.

    I talked to him today and he was calmer, but is feeling pressured about finding a place to live. I will have a thread in the Watercooler about his living situation because I'm not sure how this could play out and it's touchy.

    Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy Father's Day with my hub and the two kids who are here with us. HOnestly...I know this sounds terrible, but I had so many mental health issues myself, I often wish I had never had any biological children. Not one of my adopted kids are screwed up the way he is. I guess I was hoping he'd get some other genes, but, man, he got everything I had and more...I feel very bad about that. Even worse, he is less able to deal with and help his mental health issues because he is so shy. I used self-help groups and friends to get better...he doesn't have those resources. Sometimes I think maybe he's also an Aspie.