My difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Aug 2, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    is in VERY big trouble. I never thought I'd say this, but as of 5:30 this morning, he is not welcome in MY home. I have no idea where either of us will end up now but I can tell you this- it won't be together for a very long time, if ever again.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Are you okay? Are you SAFE? Let us know what is going on as soon as you can. I hope that no one is hurt. Sending strength and good thoughts. ((hugs))
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    Please post that you are ok. I had a feeling things were headed in this direction; he's been so out of control (even for a difficult child). I'm so sorry sweetie.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    please post so we know you are safe. So sorry.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks Ladies- I can update now. I'm still a little shaken up so I don't know if I'm repeating some stuff or not. difficult child snuck out Friday evening and came back early Sat. morning, which I reported to police but had to wait until this morning to let PO know. Yesterday afternoon I went to difficult child's bedroom while he was still in bed but starting to wake up. I was looking for something that belonged in a set that I was trying to sell in the yard sale. I opened the door to a cabinet in his desk and saw two packs (boxes) of cigs so I opened them to see if any were in there- one was a full pack of cigs and the other was half full of pills. I put the whole thing in my pocket and walked out of the room. He came downstairs and tried to intimidate me into giving him cigs but I would not. He started getting in my face like he was going to get physical but backed down when I asked if he was threatening me. He said I had stolen cigs from his room. I told him 1) it would be illegal for me to allow him to have them, 2) it is a violation of his parole, 3) it's my house, he's my minor child, and I have a right to confiscate anything I want to from his bedroom, and 4) he stole the cigs from me to begin with- this is not me stealing from him, it's him stealing from me. He walked away saying if I ever went to his bedroom and took something again, he just might kill me.

    Then things smoothed over and were quiet for a while but we got into another argument late afternoon yesterday because he wouldn't get off the computer after sleeping half thru the yard sale and not helping and I was tired and wanted to relax and get on here a while. But he was being very passive aggressive- and he also had the phone and wouldn't give it to me and ignored anything I said to him. So I said fine, I'm leaving. I have no idea why I said that but I'd only had 2 1/2 hours sleep Fri/Sat night and about 4 Sat/Sun night so by yesterday afternoon I was only functioning half way. So we got into a big argument because he thought I was leaving to go get police. I kept walking toward the car so here we were in the driveway arguing (we normally try to keep neighbors from hearing) and neighbors were out in the culdesac. difficult child stood in front of the car door so I couldn't get in. I told him there were witnesses and if I wanted to contact police I could, he could not stop me, all I had to do was walk over there to one of the neighbors and ask them to call. He was pretty agitated and telling me he hated living here, how he didn't respect me, yadda yadda. I told him that I knew all that but I had not put my foot down about all his koi more in the past because I was trying to prevent him being sent somewhere where he was likely to get molested but that I had no more resources now to prevent anything from happening. Anyway, somehow it ended up where I pointed my finger at him and told him that his ONLY hope of getting thru this wzas to gget his **** back into the house and up into his bedroom and stay there a while. Much to my surprise, he turned and quietly did exactly that. He came out after about 3 hours and was calm and reasonable so I fixed him dinner because he had only had a little to eat yesterday late morning.

    Fine, I figured maybe we are getting somewhere if our arguements are at least getting some real communication going and he's starting to back down and walk away when I put my foot down.

    So about 10:30 last night we both went to bed. As usual, I was sleeping in a pair of old shorts with keys, cigs/lighter, cash from yard sale (all I have), and cards (atm, driver's license, etc). I woke up this morning early- about 5:15 and stuck my head in difficult child's room to see he was not there but something was on his bed. All my cards from my pocket. I immediately put my hands in my pockets and find that my pockets had been cut. difficult child had cut my pockets while I slept and took all the money I had except for $12. I had my keys and cigs/lighter. I got really freaked out because I wonder how I slept thru that and wondered if he had snuck something in my drink last night since he's obviously getting a hold of some kind of pills. Maybe he didn't- he could have taken my allergy medications that are now being somewhat controlled due to home-made drugs but he didn't. I was dead tired last night and since I'm used to sleeping with a dog who tosses and turns all night, maybe I did just sleep thru it without any "assistance".

    So, I look thru the house and find the phone but the battery pack (remote phone) had been removed. I find another one and called police to report ggfg missing, that he'd stolen money from me, and that he'd cut the pockets of my shorts while I was sleeping. I changed clothes and when the police came to write up the report, I showed him the shorts and remembered about the pills so I showed him that too. Then I called and left message for PO. About five mins later, difficult child was trying to get in the house and actually managed to, again to my surprise because I thought I had everything secure. So I told him I had to call police back to tell them he had returned. But the policeman who'd just left a few mins earlier must have seen difficult child coming home so he came back and was already knocking on the door by the time I got off the phone with the police station. difficult child started flipping out but I opened the door, the policeman kept difficult child on the front porch until he was able to actually get PO on the phone. PO had to put in paperwork first in order to get difficult child held in detention so said he'd call the policeman back soon. The policeman used that waiting time to lecture difficult child and ask me for the pills and called somewhere to find out if they were in the police database as controlled or commonly abused medication and they were not llisted in police database so the policeman said it was probably nothing to get someone high. Then he talked to difficult child about what I had reported and ggfg admitted cutting my pockets while I slept last night and stealing my money. Oh- I forgot to mention- difficult child gave me five dollars back and said he'd spent the rest.

    PO called back and difficult child was taken away in handcuffs to be held in detention until the court hearing, which will be an arraignment and they will set the trial date then. Now I get to spend the day undoing everything I tried to get underway Thurs and Friday. difficult child turned and whispered "I love you, Mom" as he was being led away. I didn't say anything to him.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you are o.k. How very scary to have had him cut your pockets while you slept. (((hugs)))
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    OMG, you poor thing - what an ordeal! Scary, freaky, upsetting, there just aren't words. I cannot believe that he cut the short's pockey while on your person!!! Who does that?!?!?!?

    I'm glad he's out of your home and locked up. I know it's terrible to say, but I care more about YOUR safety than his comfort zone!!! No respect for ANYONE, it's sickening.

    Sending lots of prayers and hugs and support. I hope your focus is solidly on you and you only from here on in. difficult child is old enough to know better and since he doesn't know better, here's hoping he learns real fast. Hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    So sorry. DDD
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I mam glad I slept thru it honestly. If I had awakened to find him with his hands in my pocket I would have been horrified but if I had awakened to him using a knife on my pockets I can only imagine what could have happened.

    The policeman just came back to talk to me a min and give me what difficult child had in his pockets and give me the parole violation paperwork. I had vented to him quite a bit this morning about the courts people and difficult child not getting anything but locked up and then released home for another round. He seemed to really be in agreement and said difficult child would need more than incraceration or being at home with me on parole. Unfortunately the courts people have never agreed to that. When I told him that they currently think difficult child needs no treatment, he rolled his eyes. When I told him that they now think I just needed a mental health evaluation, he chuckled and said "yeah, I guess you do, who wouldn't after going thru all that".

    Anyway, the arraignment will be tomorrow morning. The PO only violated difficult child on two counts of violating house arrest. The policeman said I could go to courts and file charges on difficult child for theft of the money if I wanted but PO was planning on calling me later today. I said I would discuss things with PO first but I want to go about things in a way that gets difficult child more and kept out of the home without going to dss this time, if possible. He said he understood and agreed. He said when he left the detention center, difficult child was sitting over there spilling his guts to PO and saying that he just didn't care anymore. He was telling PO he'd been partying all night and had smoked pot so PO is giving him a drug test.

    I hope the judge flips thru difficult child's record again and instead of only making issue over a previous order for me to have a MH evaluation, actually reads previous recommendations by MH profs who had given difficult child evaluations. You know the ones- secure, psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) recommended with intensive family therapy while difficult child is out of home and gradual transition back into home and community. Is it too much to ask for a judge to pay attention to those even though a GAL thought it was no big deal?
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh- another thing about the policeman's last visit. I asked him how he knew difficult child had just come home because he was knocking on the door before I even got off the phone with the station. He said he didn't, he'd actually come back because he'd forgotten to have me sign the initial report. OMG- it was just a stroke of luck! He said right before I answered the door, the message came over his radio that I had called and difficult child was here.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry.
    Yes, I would have freaked out if I had awakened, too.
    difficult child just doesn't get it. The elevator doesn't go to the top.
    What is his diagnosis? I can't recall.
    You're right--it's out of your hands now.
    Sheesh, what a weekend.
    You tried!
    Yes, that was luck that the officer hadn't gotten you to sign and he turned around.
    At least something worked out right.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just got off the phone with PO. I'm going to file charges for the theft, this will ensure the judge knows HOW difficult child stole the money. More disturbing, difficult child told PO that he'd been letting people put cigs out on his bare skin and burning him. PO finally agrees that difficult child needs more and treatment MIGHT help. I told him if he's waiting for difficult child to understand his problems, ask for help for them, and care enough about himself to pursue it, it will never happen. The only option is to give it to him or keep throwing him away by incarceration and I'm not throwing away my 15 yo son.

    He says the only route to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is by placing difficult child into dss howver, dss is required to place any kid coming into their system with a amily member first if they can get a family member to take the kid and we already know about my bro being listed with dss for this. Department of Juvenile Justice only has two group homes left and they are both for older teens. This led to me venting about the previous situation where I had funding lined up for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) without difficult child having to go thru dss but the court people wouldn't let that happen so I'd like to know why the previous PO and GAL can't be held accountablle because their option obviously didn't work. Of course, they can't so it was venting for nothing.

    He says the only option is to send difficult child back to Department of Juvenile Justice. I asked him to make sure the judge finds out about difficult child letting other people put cigs out on his body. He's going to call me back after he finds out how I can file charges on difficult child so it will get into their system before the arraignment in the morning.
  13. idohope

    idohope Member

    What an ordeal. I too am glad that you did not wake up during it. I hope this opens doors for your difficult child getting the treatment he needs.
  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    OMG, I am so glad you are ok and that he is locked up. I'm so sorry.

  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    According to PO, difficult child said he was proud of himself for being able to pull that off. He and a friend were out last night, difficult child gave $20 to some person he doesn't know to take them downtown. The guy took the money and dropped them off somewhere but difficult child didn't know where they were- it wasn't downtown. The pills- someone gave them to him Fri night for free and said they would get him high. He googled to try to find out what they were but couldn't find info except maybe they are some sort of vitamin (they don't look like vitamins) that if he took too many he would get constipated so he didn't take any. He might be a criminal, but he is still WAY too naive to be doing what he's trying to do. He could be dead from a pervert or a thief or from a drug overdose. Thankfully, PO also seemed aware and concerned about the "what if I'd had woken up" factor.

    And apparently, since he took the money off 'my person', even though it was less than $100 it is still a felony charge. I hated to do it, but I have filed charges for it. It's not the money or revenge (although I can't pay any bills now and might end up with utilities or communications disconnected, it was making sure the judge gets the point of how difficult child did this and it can't be me not giving appropriate rewards and consequences causing the problem- it was PO's rule that difficult child be on house arrest; it is the law here that minors not be out without a parent past 11:00 PM; it is the law for anyone not to steal money from another person. What reward and consequence could I have given differently that would have prevented this?

    And my bro is stupid enough to think he can parent difficult child when he has never parented any child or had therapy for himself, much less received any therapeutic training on how to help another.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2010
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Sending you lots of hugs, k...
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're all right, k, and so sorry you're still in this position. Many hugs.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    How TERRIFYING to know that he CUT your pants while you were wearing them. How is he getting into and out of the house with-o you knowing how? There is no way this is just the beginning of what he would do this time around if he is kept out of wherever. At this point he will probably be spending more time inside. At least you will be safe then! You are far to vulnerable if you are alone in the house with him.

    Please don't drop the charges. His defense attorney may try to talk you out of it, for difficult child's "best interests". At this point it is in his best interests to be somewhere that he cannot do this to someone else or do something even worse to you. He is just a little bit younger than gfgbro was when he would go into a gated neighborhood for wealthy retirees in the night. If he could find an unlocked door and no dog he would go in and try to find money, booze, junk food, etc... Nothing that had to be pawned or sold to get cash. One night a homeowner walked into the room and just looked at him. Gfgbro said the guy just stood there looking terrified. Of course gfgbro wore gloves because he sometimes took rather substantial amounts of $$.

    Your difficult child is NOT very far from doing that, or doing it with a friend. I hope something can reach him to turn him around, though I have NO clue what that might be.

    The pills scare me. Both the amount that he had and that he bought them. MOST dealers will give a kid a pill or two or a joint or whatever to get them to start using. Your difficult child may be beyong that point. If not then he wants to be. Make sure PO has the pills and tests them. Even if they won't get him high they could cause significant damage to his body. If it is a generic Tylenol taking that many at once could do permanent damage or cause a long, painful death that nothing can help. of course if you damage your liver doing that NO ONE is going to give you a liver transplant.

    The boy needs to learn that as a minor, he owns nothing. EVERYTHING is YOURS simply because he is too young to be held to a contract. If it is your property you have a right to search everywhere. To take anything away from him, regardless of how new it is or how much he paid for it or what it is. The way he threatened you, then cut your pants, is a clear sign that he very likely to hurt you physically in the very near future if he continues to live in the same home you do.

    I am so so sorry!
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    k, I'm sorry that difficult child is continuing to make such dangerous choices....especially toward your person. I'm devastated for you that he stole what sounds like the last of your $ & seems to feel no remorse.

    At this point, I'd stop the fight. I'd concentrate on you; a home, a job, health care. I know it's not an easy choice for you as you've fought a long hard battle. It doesn't mean you don't love him ~ it means that if you cannot find a way to live, support yourself you cannot help difficult child. He's completely held you hostage.

    husband & I made the decision to place wm (permanently) outside our home. It seemed we cried tears of blood for that boy. Yet he gave us no other recourse. None. AND if we didn't do it voluntarily we would have been put at risk for child endangerment allowing wm to live here with the threats & action he took toward kt.

    It didn't matter that he has a mental & emotional issue. wm's had years of skills training, years of therapy, etc. He will get it or he won't. Sounds a bit like your difficult child.

    Sending healing white light for your hurting heart tonight.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    TL, you are lucky that you had the option of a group home and could place Wm there yourselves. I don't have that option- my son is too deep into the court system and being on probation/parole for the past 4 years, the judge is the one who decides if he gets placed at home, in incarceration, or turned over to dss. Getting placed at home doesn't mean that I am allowed to place difficult child somewhere else, it means difficult child is allowed to live at home as long as we both agree to follow any and all requirements of parole/probation. This is why I could not place difficult child into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) last year when I hadd him accepted into one and funding lined up- the court would not allow it. (The court wouldn't allow it based on GAL's recommendation in spite of there being written recommendations by a state psychiatrist saying that difficult child's best hope was a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC). And this is why I think GAL should be held accountable.) DSS can place a child into foster care, a group home, or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) IF and ONLY if there is not a willing family member available to accept custody in place of the parent. And this is what is standing in the way of difficult child getting any further services.

    My mother put me in the hands of an abuser/molester at 15yo and this is what she tried to do to my son by getting my bro involved a few years ago, whether intentional or not. No one likes to believe that sort of thing so they go into denial about the possibility of it and find it much more comfortable and easy to accuse me of being paranoid, or lying about it, etc. But knowing the pain and hurt it caused me as a teen to be in harm by a family member, I have advocated that if difficult child can't go to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as a first choice, or group home as a second choice, then Department of Juvenile Justice is better than my bro. But all I can do is advocate for something- it simply is not my choice and now that there is another charge against him by me and this one is a felony, he will automatically be assigned a GAL and the judge won't give two hoots about anything I have to say because he will be listening to the GAL for recommended placement. It is almost assured that difficult child will be recommitted to state Department of Juvenile Justice but the question will be where to send him upon release next time- DSS/my bro or back to me. This is based on PO saying that Department of Juvenile Justice has no group home in their system for a teen this young. I'm still finding it hard to believe that they don't have any for a 16yo and difficult child will be 16yo by the time he's released from Department of Juvenile Justice this time.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2010