This has become a very muddy, confused issue since you first pressed charges over the knife incident. Your family got involved and from there, information got badly scrambled. It is very difficult to keep perspective when things get so confused, and when we're dealing with staff positions like PO and GAL, they have a lot of other cases on their desk and need things kept simple. So maybe going back to basics will help keep the main issues on the table.
Like he's a dirty white sock that didn't get clean when washed so we'll just throw it away.
The problem is, the sock won't get clean if it's just tossed into a mud puddle. It needs to at least have clean water, and a bit of agitation and soap would help. It's a good analogy you've used, but take it that little bit further and share it with PO.
Summarise it all. Get back to basics. This kid has diagnosed mental health issues which for whatever reasons, have been reassessed in Department of Juvenile Justice (rightly or wrongly; so the possibility still needs to be on the table). PO can see this behaviour is not normal. Frankly, if the knife incident had not happened and you made it up (I'm not saying this though) and a perfectly normal easy child had been sent to Department of Juvenile Justice as a result, the kid that came out would not be a easy child and would not be mentally healthy. And we all know that the kid that went to Department of Juvenile Justice at 14 was not a easy child and the attack DID happen. So what comes out - not good.
Basics - this kid had prior mental health issues. He attacked you. He needed help that you couldn't provide and you turned to the system for help. The system failed you both. The PO and GAL noted something skew-whiff between you and difficult child and dug further, found extended family who claimed you were the problem, difficult child just needed a normal family. And they followed that (false) trail, made wrong assumptions and from there, were gunning for you as the source of problems. They were acting on the basis of what they observed plus what they were told. More time wasted.
You are now in a lose-lose situation. If you could go back in time and change what you did - I don't think you could have prevented any of this. But if difficult child gets placed with your family, it will look like the situation Step is in with her husband's kids - too much damage was done while he was with his mother. You will get blamed for difficult child's being out of control. Blame gets in the way of getting help for difficult child. Frankly, I think he's now beyond help being imposed on him, he needs now to own the problem and then be able to accept help. Sadly, I think he has a long way to go further downhill before he gets to that stage.
Should you be lenient over his recent behaviour? No. I think you would be sending him mixed messages - you get angry with him when he messes up, then you go all mother tiger and want to protect him (from the consequences of his own actions). So he gets the message that he can do what he likes, you will yell a bit, then you will forget about it and let bygones be bygones. But the message you send him is confusing. Go back and read this entire thread, you might see what I mean.
Mind you, what you are doing is natural and normal. We do this, as mothers. But what we need to do when it gets this bad, is take a step back, divorce our emotions from it all (not easy) then look at the situation as impartially as possible.
difficult child has come home several times in recent months and each time, has fouled up within days. He's been sent home into your care, which I feel is idiotic of the justice system given that the original offence was an attack on you with a weapon. He fouls up, goes back inside for a while, is sent home again into your care (with minimal notice). You said then, you expected him to help with the garage sale. He didn't. You've set rules - he breaks them. The PO sets rules - difficult child breaks them. Big time. Then when difficult child wants to go out, he goes. When he wants to get back into the house, he does. Even after you think you've got the place locked down. difficult child then removes whatever he wants from your person while you're sleeping, by cutting the stuff out of your clothing. He has no conscience if it stands between him and what he wants. When it gets to that stage, you cannot allow leniency to let him continue to deteriorate.
The justice system is doing nothing for his mental health. Your only chance is to get PO on side as far as he can, as far as the system will allow. And stop trying to force more. We have to take what we can get and accept it, even if it is not what we know we need. Because it is still better than him on the streets at risk of being murdered or committing murder.
PO is now seeing that there is a big problem. As for the problems between you and difficult child - what about the problems between difficult child and society in general? What difficult child is doing, is antisocial, is criminal, is just plain wrong and has nothing to do with his relationship with his mother. Also with the cigarette burns - it shows serious mental health issues. "A cry for attention" is so simplistic. I get so angry with people who only see this as someone doing it out of bravado - if that were the case, the burns would be far more visible. But most of them are only able to be seen when he undresses, so this is not a publicity stunt. It is as if difficult child is tying to communicate, " I DO have mental health issues!"
Is there any way he can be asked to take off his shirt in court?
All this comes down to difficult child's need for mental health care, a need which frankly I don't think is going to be met. From there, we now have a need for you to be safe, and if this continues, you will not be safe. When difficult child cut the stuff out of your pockets, he did it coolly, calmly and with determination. It was not during a rage or on impulse. He is probably still capable of doing you real damage in a rage (the original knife incident was during a rage, wasn't it?) but now has shown that he can also do serious damage NOT on impulse, but with cool consideration. It's a bad combination.
I'm not saying you need to throw him away. But you do need to back away and insist he not be in your home until he gets treatment. If that makes you look bad, or means he goes to your family, you will have to grit your teeth. If your bro abuses him (and I don't think that will happen, difficult child is too old to be of interest to a pedophile) then difficult child is also just as vulnerable NOW to the same sort of abuse in Department of Juvenile Justice,or on the streets - and hey, it IS happening now. The cigarette burns are just the outward sign of a lot more going on.
My sister was frantic for her difficult child son who ran away to a life of crime and living on the streets, when he was 14. My nephew stole, used drugs, robbed, and was undoubtedly selling his body for drugs. Whenever my sister got him home, she tried to keep him there but the call of the drugs was too strong. She would be frantic to save him from the possibility he could ever prostitute himself, forgetting that he almost certainly already had, and you can't save someone form themselves if they're not ready to be saved.
Even where money is no object, you can't save someone. Look at all the celebrities who get into rehab. Even where rehab is court-ordered. Do they come out clean? Healed? Rarely. In every case, the person has to get to a point where THEY choose to change.
If you back down now, all you are doing is stalling, delaying the inevitable. And the longer it is delayed, the older he will be before he gets it. He may never get it. It is his choice. It hurts. But he is his own person, he is making his own choices. You need to stand firm, because that will actually help him eventually see that there are lines you do not cross.
My nephew didn't work this out until he was about 40. He is in touch with his mother, but distantly. He knows he ruined his life and burned a lot of bridges. But he is still alive and we really didn't think he would be. But it got very, very bad before my sister was forced to say, "Here is the line, and you crossed it." And stick to it. And there was no improvement in him until this happened.
Marg
