My family needs help!

[needhelp4family]

I am truly at a loss and I don't know where to turn for help. My husband and I have 5 kids, ages, 21,18,13,10, and 7. They all live at home, at the moment. Our 21 year old has been in and out of the home several times. When he is here, are home is in utter turmoil, most of the time. Tonight took the cake. He came home early this morning at 3:40 with 2 of his friends. They were higher than a kite. I awoke to our 13 year old daughter, saying our son was making out with someone on the couch! This infuriated my husband to know end. He has a terrible anger problem and when he begins to rage. We told our son to pack it up and get out, he and his friends. Our home is not to be used as a party crash pad, we have young children here. Our 21 son, as a big mouth on him too. Lots of f words flying, etc. He was gone all day today. (He has no job and he just registered for the community college yesterday). He knocked on the door at 5pm this evening and my husband and I decided he could sleep it off and that we would talk later because of the kids, we didn't want the screaming match anymore. Well, he wouldn't shut up and my husband completely lost his mind. He told our son to get out; our son said he is not going anywhere because he has nowhere to go. My husband follows him downstairs and physically tries to remove him from the house. A fight ensues and our other children are hysterical beyond belief. They are crying and saying, "stop it Dad, don't hit (our son)". I haven't witnessed quite this bad before, it was completely out of control. My 13 year old daughter picks up a Christmas ceramic and it crashes to the floor breaking into a million pieces. The kids are bawling at this point. My husband decides to come upstairs and yell at our daughter, call her an ass and a traitor and acts like he might hit her, she is freaked out. Our 18 year old son comes up and tell his Dad to shut the f Up. My husband then starts in on him. I am yelling at the top of my lungs, to shut up and get out. He yells obscenities at all of us, gets his keys and leaves the house. Everyone is in tears, we are all traumatized and do not know what to do. I have been married to this man for 24 years. I have always known he has anger issues, but now the kids are saying they are afraid of him. 30 minutes before our son got home, everything was going good. We had peace in the home, my husband was cooking dinner and the kids were playing together, everything was great. This morning wasn't good at all, finding our son and his friends completely wasted and using our family home as a crash pad. Our son has no respect for us or this home. Our home reeked of smoke. There is so much to this, I know I need to stop. Can someone please help me out here? How do we get this adult kid to move out without using force? Do we need to have the cops remove him? He has nowhere to go, he will be homeless without a job, etc. What does a mom and wife do? I am at a complete loss.

 

[DammitJanet]

You probably arent going to like what I am going to say but I am going to say it because I made the same mistake you did last night in dealing with your son and your husband. I know you are probably saying to yourself "oh my heavens, how on earth did I make any mistakes?" Well, I will tell you my opinion based on looking back at my life.

Your son is grown now. He is legally an adult with all the responsibilities that go with it. If he chooses to disrespect your home, he chooses the consequences and if his father gets mad, so be it. Its your husbands house and if he tells him to get out, your son needs to go. No back talking. Your job is to support your husband and not interfere. Your other kids needed to be removed from the situation. It matters not if your husband was out of control. I would imagine that he had a pretty good reason to be angry at your son. I would bet that this wasnt the first time your son was bad.

I cant tell you how many times I stepped between my husband and my son and tried to be the peacemaker. Many times I took my sons side against his father. Boy did that make things bad. Now his father blames my son for everything that goes wrong in our lives and thinks I coddle my son even though he doesnt even live here and hasnt for well over a year. My husband feels I deserted him and chose my son when it mattered most. Not a good thing.

In your case, to keep your home as calm as possible, it would be best to have your son live elsewhere. That probably means you helping him to find someplace to live. It doesnt mean just tossing him into the gutter. If he is supposed to start community college that is great but he also needs at least a part time job to help pay his living expenses. If you can afford it, help him with rent in a rooming house. He should find a roommate too. He needs to get moving on his own though. A shelter until he starts this. Maybe couch surf or go to a relative for a bit. But dont bring him home.

Join us over on Parent Emeritus for more help. Thats where more of us parents with older kids hang out.

 

[BusynMember]

You should probably take this post to parent emeritus where all of us are dealing with grown children who have drug and violence issues like you do. And you won't like what I have to say either, unfortunately.

Your 21 year old son should not be living at home anymore, whether he has nowhere to go or not (you can give him a list of shelters and soup kitchens). He is disrespectful, violent, a bad influence on the other kids, a drug user, slacking off and refusing to work and, if this had been me, I would have called the cops on him. No adult child who is using drugs, not working and being violent should be at home. They will not change unless they hit rock bottom and acknowledge the need for help, and as long as he has you and your husband to bully (and the other kids to use for support) he will not have any incentive to get sober, get a job, or treat you with respect. It is actually kinder to make his life harder for him than to make his life cushy while he self-destructs (and, in the process, destroys ALL of you.

21 is not a child anymore and should not be treated like one. Drug abuse is a serious issue that changes our kids and n Occupational Therapist (OT) for the better. If they refuse to go into a rehab, they need to be shown the door. I know this sounds easier than it is. When my daughter left, and she actually had a good place to stay...her straight arrow brother agreed to take her in IF she behaved, her last words to me were "I will hate you forever!" I cried for three weeks straight, but we just couldn't do it anymore and we had two young kids who were scared of her too. We made our daughter leave and shes was only nineteen. But she did change, which she claims would not have happened if we had kept her at home.

Your son is living in your house, not his own, and there comes a time when it is kinder to all to make a grown child leave than to let him stay. You may need to call the cops to find out about eviction laws, but this young man's behavior is inexcusable. You may have to use the cops to remove him. Some of us have, most of our kids have agreed to leave on their own. Trust me, our kids have incredibly good self-preservation skills and find places to stay, even if we may not like where they go.

You may want to go to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting for real life support. They are great. We used them.

You need to think about your husband and you and your other kids and detach from this one until he comes to you with an honest desire for help. Until then, he is not going to change and the craziness in your house will not get better. Big huggggggz, as I have been there. Keep us posted and try Parent Emeritus! On THAT forum, we have all been in your shoes.

 

[Weary for Hope]

Dear Need Help,

I am so sorry sorry for all of the stress and pain in your family right now. I think probably most of us (or many) definitely have situations where the entire house is in turmoil because of one child and it seems like the family is being ripped apart because everyone is yelling at each other. My son has brought my husband to the brink many times. I get mad at my husband...but at the same time, I have seen my son manipulate me in the same ways and so I know where my husband is coming from. The anguish that one difficult child can cause is enormous I think your husband (and maybe you too!) needs someone to talk to (not easy for a man to admit). My husband recently began to see someone and it has helped a lot. The therapist has given him insight on how to deal with-our son and given him someone to express the tough emotions to. We all have a limit and there's not much more you guys can take.

In the meantime, I am praying for you and your family and you son. I know the pain has brought you to this board. I hope you find the support and answers you need.

Hugs to you today,

 

[buddy]

Hello and hugs, I am so glad you found your way to these wonderful people. I do not have this situation so wont pretend to give any wise advice, there are loving, kind truly knowledgeable folks here who can do that. I can give you a child perspective. Your hubby had a right to be angry. I wont even NOT defend the fight, it was out of a crazy situation. I can tell you how having a very angry father, who was scary at times feels. our family never go to that level but there were some ugly moments and we all as a family (I suspect this is not a time to include the 21 yr old, you can work that out later) all went to counseling, several times....when I was in, when my sisters were in.....

My dad is a different man now, loving, generous, kind, and he even apologized back then..really made a difference. That kind of anger, with or without your son (you said he always had this) can influence the coping of a child and they can turn to things like drugs. I had an eating disorder.

Just my perspective, out of love and care..... Buddy

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, Needhelp.

What a scene.
I agree with-the others. Your son needs to move out. I don't know what you do in the daytime, but I'm guessing that around 3 p.m., your 21-yr-old should be awake and halfway coherent. Sit down with-a pen and piece of paper and write up a plan with him. Tell him that you and he both know that his living with-you is not helping him to grow up and you know that he wants his indendence. He was probably right when he said he has no place to go. Still, he needs to go NOW. Grab the classified section of the paper and go through it with-him. Have him do the work. I do not know what your history is, but there is no time like the present.
Also, your husband definitely needs counseling. He has a right to be angry, but he was was over the top. Maybe he needs medications, too. You two have to talk about that when you are both calm. Make an appointment with-him to discuss it. Say it's an appointment to discuss family and personal issues, just the two of you. If you are afraid he will go off on you, then make an appointment with-a marriage and family therapist to play interference.
In the meantime, change the locks on all the doors.

 

[needhelp4family]

Hi Everyone who responded! I sincerely appreciate all your great advice. We've made some progress, I am in counseling, my 18 year old son and my 13 year old daughter are also in counseling. We've been in counseling for about 6-7 months now. I took some time off from counseling because of my intense schedule. We recently went back this week and I explained our situation to each of our independent counselors. All 3 therapists said the same thing, "Our adult son needs to move out immediately"! After the big blow out and my husband left for hours the following day he and I discussed his anger issues and he agrees he needs counseling and is willing to go. However, after such a blow up, our son hasn't budged. We are going to have to bring in the law enforcement, I'm afraid. I need this to take place when our three younger children are at school so they don't have to experience the scene. I guarantee it will be a scene! My counselor said he must report this incident to authorities, because of the danger my children were put into. I told him, I didn't like the sound of that, because I can't have my children away! He said that our son and my husband are alleged perpetrators. As I look back over the 26 years my husband and I have been together, he has anger (temper) issues, however he has never been physical toward any of us, except our adult son, who calls him a f-ing *******, a loser of a parent, etc.... I blow my top too. He has called me a ***** more times than not. I just went into his room and found writings all over that say things like, I hate you ***** along with other threatening words, as well as pot stems, matches, a homemade pipe, etc. I am not going to say I've always been a sweet coddling mother to this child, he has driven me to severe anger (not physical, but verbal), even when he was 5 years old. When he was in school, he was continuously in the office for disrespective and disruptive behavior. He was diagnosed with ADHD and we tried Ritalin for 18 months. It turned him into a zombie, so we took him off of it. The school told us we couldn't keep him in school unless we drugged him. We were dead set against drugging him (research has shown, it causes permanent brain damage). So we took him out of school halfway through the first grade and I home schooled him for 13 years. Let me tell you those were some trying days, to say the least! We continued to home school all of our kids, until 2 years ago, when I had to return to work.
I have concerns about what he may be capable of he if is provoked to utter anger, especially when he is escorted out by the police. I will have all the locks changed on all the doors, but I am still frightened by the possibilities. I am so thankful to have found a safe place to vent! My counselor worries me in the fact that I cannot be completely honest with him, if he continues to tell me, he will have to report it. I want more than anything else, my family (children) to have a good life, one that is full of love and security! As a kid myself, I lived through 6 divorces between my Dad and Mom. I had some very abusive step parents on both sides. I do not want any of that for my children, nor do I want them to ever live in fear, especially in their own home! Please continue to pray for our family and I love the advice! Mom of 5 and in Need of Help (BIG TIME)!