My husband and I are splitting up

[rejectedmom]

Shawana, I am so sorry you are going through this. I do think that you should see a therapist for yourself without husband to sort through all your emotions. I also agree wiith all who have said that you should take your time and not make any rash decisions.

From what you posted it seems that your husband didn't come right out and say that it was your weight that is the cause of the lack of intimacy. I too have gained alot of weight in the last few years and am very self conscious over it. The reason for my weight gain were mostly emotional, medical and stress related and those issues did affect the way I acted and the way I saw myself in general. I became a victim in my own eyes rather than the strong self assured woman I had been. Pretty soon I no longer even knew who I was. One of my dearest friends came to me one day and told me that she 'Missed the real Kathy" and that she hoped that I would return.

I got so mad at her! I almost ended a 20 year friendship over it. How could she be so calloused as to expect me not to be a changed person and unhappy with all I had been through? Well I steped back a bit and with the help and support of a therapist and this board and others...I realized that I had given up the joyous part of me and I had become very hard to be around.

My point is that sometimes we focus on one thing as being the whole truth of a problem when in reality it is isn't. I gained my weight mostly because I was unhappy and stressed. I then became unhappy about the way I looked and angry with myself for letting it happen. Eventually all people saw of me was my anger, hurt and frustration. I dragged them down. When my friend approached me I blamed her for being un-sympatetic and calloused. But when I thought about it I realized that was not the case. I had changed and I had become a very different personality. Both my friend and I had to make adjustments if we were to remain friends. We worked through it and I am so glad for that.

Sometimes things are not what we think them to be. You have a husband who wants to work through this. Right now you are raw you need to give yourself the time to step back and figure things out. My advice is to be totally honest with yourself. Start by taking time for you, love you, pamper you, do things that you enjoy. Find yourself and you will find the answer.

Your husband needs to do the same thing. (((((HUGS)))) -RM

 

[TerryJ2]

Shawna, I'm coming in late to this.
I am so sorry for your pain.
I'm glad that you two went to therapy and sorry that the therapist pushed him. Maybe the two of you can work on other relationship issues during the next session and not assume it's the weight thing.
The fact that he said he is willing to work on it is a big deal. So many guys won't go to therapy, period.
I feel your pain. No one wants to be turned down. It is not only a loss of comfort, care and enjoyment, it is so symbolic of so many other things in the relationship.

 

[bran155]

You guys are so great!! I do feel horrible about myself, that I gained all of this weight. And he is saying he needs therapy on his own. He does have many unresolved issues from his past with his family. He grew up in a house of addicts and was neglected, moved out at 15 and has been on his own ever since. His family barely even calls for him. When he was 8 his mother was out on a heroin binge, he was home with his stepfather, his stepfather shot up while he was sitting on his lap, OD'd and died. My poor husband sat on his lap for hours while he was already deceased until his mother came home. He has never dealt with that trauma. I guess it is very possible that I got so caught up in my own issues and I am so needy of support that I just couldn't see the lack of sex on his part as an issue for him. As a "girl" him saying no shows up as rejection in my heart. Especially "the fat girl" in me. She just feels so rejected!!!! And hey, I am only 39 I still want sex!!!! lol

Okay so I am not going to make any rash decisions right now. I am definitely not going to continue therapy with my sw. It is so disappointing because I really like her a lot. But there were quite a few things that I was not comfortable with regarding her being our therapist. First of all, I have been confiding in her on my own for months. And then during therapy she was a little mean. One of my complaints was that half the time I speak to my husband he does not respond. It's almost as if he is ignoring me. I think it is just common courtesy to speak when spoken to. It hurts that I really do support my husband, listen to him when he wants to talk about his work issues or if something is bothering him. I support him, give him advice, tell him what I think, I RESPOND to him when he speaks to me. On the other hand I could tell him something that I am going through, talk to him about it and he really doesn't have much to say back to me. I sometimes feel like I am not being supported by him. Well from all of that I was told to "Grow up", she said that I need to grow up!!! She actually said that a few times. I thought that was a bit rude and odd. I don't think it is asking to much to be acknowledged when you are speaking to someone. I just did not like the way the session went. I think maybe she can't be impartial or objective as she and I have already formed a relationship and she already knows everything about me and my family. I am going to tell her today that I do not wish to continue therapy with her.

Thank you guys for bringing me back down to reality. I so appreciate all of your advice. I am feeling a lot better today. My husband and I had a few laughs last night. Wait til you hear this!!! We have a mouse in our house. It walks around as if it is his house and we are the visitors. My husband and I were sitting on the couch watching tv and talking when I feel something CRAWLING UP MY LEG!!!!!!!!!! I screamed, kicked my leg up and it came flying out from under my jeans in the air across the room!!!!! I scared my husband, he screamed, we both jumped on the couch. My sister heard all of the rucus and came running up the stairs to find me and my husband standing on our couch freaking out!!!!!! Needless to say, I did not sleep a wink!!!!! I still cannot believe that happened. Of course, afterwards we all had a big laugh. I brought my sister's cat upstairs, I am going to buy a liter box for my apartment so that he can come up there and chase his these little vermon playmates out of my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have read each and every one of your posts and agree with EVERY ONE OF THEM!!! You all are so right. I do need to work on me and he does need to work on him. I am completely comfortable with him doing therapy on his own. In fact, I have been urging him to do so for years. He does tell me he feels like he is in a depression. And I definitely do not feel good about me. It is absolutely true that when you don't feel good about yourself, anything can be hurtful, and I personally tend to read way too much into things. I have really horrible self talk as well. I tend to bash myself when things are going badly. Which only feeds my negative perception of myself.

Thank you all so much for your support. You really have opened my mind to see that this might just very well be an issue for him that has nothing to do with me. No rash decisions, we are going to work it out. And I am happy about that, I do love him very much and he is a really good man.

p.s. Thanks for sharing some of your personal experiences with me.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Shawna,
others have given you such great advice, I really have nothing to add and sounds like you are doing better. The only thing I did want to say was, you're jumping to conclusions and assuming your husband didn't want sex because of your weight is a perfect example of how someone with Borderline (BPD) or Borderline (BPD) traits thinks (not that I think you have Borderline (BPD)). This is what my difficult child did all the time and her DBT therapy really helped her be able to think in a different way and it helped me too since I tend to do the same thing.

The difference here though is that you had people here suggesting other possibilities and you were open to hearing and acting upon them--that's huge and that's what someone with Borderline (BPD) has a lot of trouble doing.

Anyway, I am glad you will both get counseling on your own and I agree with you about the sw--she does not sound like she is able to remain objective. She reminds me of difficult child 1's outpatient therapist--she would scold us and get angry with us--she took our lack of progress very personally!

Hugs to you,
Jane

 

[DDD]

For once "the family" is unanimous! I have nothing new to say but just want you to know that I've read the thread and think you've been given stellar advice. There are so many important aspects to sharing your life with someone and it sounds as though husband rates high in almost all regards.
Take time. Be prepared to weather a few storms. Thank God you have a trusted companion. Work together to institute improvements. I bet you can do it! Hugs. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Shawna...I am so glad you clarified your post. it doesnt sound to me as if your hubby wants to leave you at all. I am heavier than you and have been through some of what you are going through. Tony has a low sex drive for which I am extremely thankful these days what with all my health problems. It started back around your hubby's age and we know it is probably medical but without health insurance for him it isnt gonna get checked out. We just work around it. One day when all the kids are gone couples tend to reconnect we noticed.

 

[Star*]

Okay I'm throwing this out there for ya Bran because - well it amazes me all the time.

I have a friend (can you believe that?) and she's ALWAYS ALWAYS been heavy. (Fat is a bad word in our house unless its a rap song and PHat in connotation) When I say this gal is heavy I mean she's 5'1" and weighed OVER 380 lbs.

NEVER in my life have I known SUCH a sexually active person. Her stories are wild, vivid and most times I have to say too much information - but she has more sex that ANYONE I know and she's 51 years old.

I wish you could see her - she screams self-confidence and self-esteem. She dresses nicely when she goes out and fixes herself to look nice. She tucks her shirts in her size (I think 52) jeans, puts on makeup, polishes her nails and trolls. (no kidding her words)

I think it's dangerous - but.....it's her life. She doesn't want to get tied down - she's out-lived 2 husbands. But if someone asked me right now which of my friends lived her former life like a rabbit? It would be her.

So it's not ALWAYS about the weight - AND if you are tired of YOUR weight then only YOU can do something about it.

As far as the no sex thing? DID YOU READ TRINITY's POST? HUH? SEE WHAT CAN HAPPEN??? lol.....Your husband needs a physical. Period. No guessing what is or could be wrong. IF he tells a doctor what is happening - then they will more than likely test him for testosterone levels and go from there. It could be so many things - High blood pressure, depression - don't be psychic because you aren't. Just tell him you love him - and suggest a physical exam. Go from there.

He really sounds like a great guy - You're lucky to have each OTHER.

Hugs
Star

 

[Ropefree]

Bran155:I thought about you last night. Your family just got a sort of break from the stress you have all been living under. And now after all that you are in therapy looking at how unhappy it has been under all those stresses. I hope you start taking time everyday to take your fabulous son for a walk or bike ride. I like the early morning befor day break in the winter especially because I spent my childhood up at that hour on a walk or a run with my parent. And early morning activity are a great way to start a day when in school.
Also after all the chaos you have had in your life the quiet and the freash air may help you push the reset button for the whole benefit of your family.
I like the idea. Doing things differant is all about doing them.
congrates on the family that is working on itsself. I bet your husband is ready for therapy with the recent and really on going heartache that your oldest has been.
with his background...
I asked one of my friends about abuse and to intervene or not? He through back his head laughing and said:"my parents shot at each others with guns in the house,
don't worry, they will be fine"
Bran155: I was ready for the when things fall apart part. Your family is very much engaged in the business of presense to the life you are in with each other. it is grimly and starkly candid reality...but so worth it. I wish you all the sharp insight and wound soothing good humor you can muster to make the most of this time and keep on moving. I am glade you and your husband are making way and getting therapy. And I am glade you are not, I hope so upset now and perhaps feeling motivated to act on your own behave. When women gain it is not in our happiness.

 

[KTMom91]

Oh, Shawna, I'm so sorry. The others have said everything so well that I have nothing to add. Please take care of you right now. Sending many hugs.

 

[amazeofgrace]

I am so very sorry, I can only offer hugs at this point, or I might violate board policy if I say what I think of this "man" for doing this to you!

 

[bran155]

I couldn't begin to put into words how much all of your support means to me. You all have lifted my spirits and opened my mind to the possibility that my husband just might be telling the truth when he says he has just lost his sex drive. Thank you so much.

I am sure I play a HUGE part (again, no pun intended) in this. My own self perception is so horrible right now, I just keep blaming myself. I guess I do believe that the sw backed him into a corner and he just wanted her to leave him alone. He was extremely embarassed. I do believe he is in a sort of blanket depression. He has been for quite some time. That could be it. A few years ago, I went through this as well. He wanted to be intimate and I didn't. I expected him to understand that it was just something I was going through. Now, why can't I accept that from him? I guess it's because he is a guy and by societal standards men are supposed to be nymphos. It is unusual to come across a 31 year old man who doesn't want sex. I guess it's not worth throwing my marriage away. It's not as though he ever disrespects me. He never makes me feel ugly, he doesn't belittle me, ever. In fact, it is the opposite. He always tells me that I am beautiful. I just have such a hard time with the rejection. It feels like rejection even if it isn't me that he is actually rejecting. Ya know?

We had a pretty good day today. We talked and laughed a lot. I am glad we are going to stick it out. He seems to be as well. He actually got really good news today. He got a great job offer to be a sales manager with a great salary and much room for advancement. He took it. He still didn't mention sex though!!!! lol That's okay, I am still freaking out about the critter crawling up my leg last night!!! lol

Star: Thank you for telling me that story about your HOT MAMA friend!!! She sounds like a hoot.

As always you all have made me feel so much better. Now if one of you would like to come by and get my daughter and her belongings - that would be great!!!! lol She is driving me nuts!!!

Shawna

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Shawna,

I'm very late getting here - Sorry I wasn't able to offer support sooner!!! Anyway, you've been given excellent advice, and from the sound of your last response, you're on your way to much happier times!!!.

CONGRATULATIONS to your husband on his new job!!! This is wonderful news!!! I honestly believe you and your husband are going to be fine. There is lots of love between you...

And, as far as that mouse, EEK!!! Yesterday afternoon, I had to clean up the "poop" in the yard, compliments of my "favorite sanity saver." As I was shoveling, I found a dead mole... At least it curbed any desire I previously had to emotionally eat, lol... I think you would have heard me scream all the way from my house to your house if I had a mouse crawling on me!!!!

Anyway, I'm happy you're feeling better!!! Have a great day and be sure to celebrate husband's new job!!! WFEN

 

[janebrain]

Hi Shawna,
so glad you are feeling better about things and so glad you aren't ready to throw away your marriage. I do understand how you would feel rejected even if it wasn't because of you--I turn my husband down but if he ever turned me down I would not be one bit happy! We definitely have a double standard!

Take care--read your post about difficult child, I so wish I could make the next couple of weeks speed by for you.

Jane

 

[Lothlorien]

I'm glad to see that you and he are really trying to work things out.

 

[totoro]

I am glad you are thinking things over!
My Dad when he came to visit a couple of months ago had to tell me another one of his too much information stories!
Well he let me know about his low sex drive! YIKES. By chance his doctor checked his testosterone levels because of these medications he is taking for his blood disease. One of the little known side affects is lowering of the Testosterone. His was at record low numbers!!!
He now has to shoot himself in the thigh daily with injections.
He said the difference is incredible. He has energy, is horny (too much information) and just feels better!
So you really never know!
The Doctor just by chance had asked him some questions about his health, was he tired, depressed etc.
Get him checked!

 

[katya02]

Hi Shawna,
Sorry I'm so late to the conversation and with all the great advice and thoughts you've been given I really don't have much to add; just wanted to offer my support and hugs. I do agree that medical conditions, including depression, can really alter sex drive, and stress can do it too. medications too - antidepressants, especially Paxil but others as well, can wreak havoc with libido and sexual function. I'm really glad you're going to take things slowly and give yourselves time to work on important issues. You've been through so much together - I hope you'll work through this too.

Many hugs.

 

[bran155]

Thank you all so much for the support and all of the advice. I have spoken to husband about having his testosterone levels checked. He sort of looked at me like I was crazy at first. I think he was very uncomfortable with the conversation. He agreed though. As soon as his insurance from his new job kicks in he will go and get checked out. Hopefully soon after that we will be hanging from the rafters at a hotel somewhere and I won't be able to walk the next day!!! LOL

Thanks again my friends.

 

[klmno]

I'm sure you are crushed and you are going thru a very rough thing emotionally. But, I agree with another poster who suggested that even if he thinks it is your weight, it really isn't. But, I am starting to think that he realizes it's not really that either. I think if he were repulsed by you, he would have already left home and found someone else and gone on with his life and 2) if he was only sticking around for the kids' sake, he wouldn't be struggling so much opening upp about it all while trying to make an effort and stating "he wants to work things out".

It just sounds all very painful for both of you, mostly you, right now. I think you should hang in there and give this some more time. Try to give him a little benefit of the doubt for making an effort and remember that he needs to work thru some things, too, and some of them might/will include anger, hurt feelings, etc., on both sides- in my humble opinion.

Oh boy- he might be a lot more sensitive aboout his testosterone (his manliness) than you are about your weight.

 

[bran155]

Thanks klmno!! I appreciate your support. We really have been talking and I am no longer of the mindset that it is my weight. I think it is his depression or maybe his testosterone levels. In any event, I am starting a diet today, well I don't really want to call it a diet, more like a life change. I am going to work on me so that I can feel better about myself. He is willing to get his levels checked. He doesn't want to break up and neither do I. I just hope he gets his libido back SOON!!! I miss the intimacy between us.

How are you feeling today? I hope you are taking care of yourself. You have been through so much lately and have worked so hard, you deserve a break!!!

You are in my thoughts and have been for quite some time.

 

[TerryJ2]

Shawna, who would think that a mouse could help bring a marriage back together? Too funny!
I would still be screaming.
I love "all creatures great and small" but not crawling up my leg!!!!
I hope you find a great, new therapist. It's hard sometimes.