My husband and I are splitting up

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by bran155, Feb 1, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am devastated!!! After all I have been through with my daughter, now this. We have been disconnected for a while, although we have always been best friends. When I met him I was 123 pounds, over the years I have gained so much weight. I now weigh 225 pounds! I really thought he was different. It never seemed to bother him, he always told me I was beautiful anyway and that he didn't care about my weight. Well that was a lie. The last 5 years of my life all has been a lie. For years we haven't really had a great sex life. Well, the sex was great it just wasn't a regular occurance. We would have sex every couple of months. With all that was going on with my daughter I never really thought anything of it. Then I started thinking that it wasn't fair to my husband so I tried to reconnect with him. A few months ago I started to initiate conversations relating to our relationship, that it was more like a friendship and I wanted to get back to where we were supposed to be, like man and wife. So, I started to initiate sex with him. He would actually turn me down. This has been an ongoing argument for us for the past few months. All the while I am feeling as though I am neglecting him, little did I know, he never wanted it anyway. We started couples therapy with my sw and the truth came out. It turns out he is not who I thought he was at all. I thought I was so blessed to have a man who really loved me for me. I felt so lucky that I had his love unconditionally. Boy was I wrong. Everytime he turned me down he said it was him, he has just lost his sex drive. I always thought that it was more than that, he is a 31 year old man. What 31 year old man doesn't want sex??? I am just crushed, humiliated, devastated and scared to death. I never knew he was so shallow. What a fool I have been to ever think that I could be that lucky.

    We have been together for 10 years. How on earth do I function now? I don't work, I haven't had a job since I had my son 8 years ago. Even when I get a job I won't be able to pay my rent, bills, food, clothing and so on. I am so lost right now. He doesn't want to break up, he wants to work on this. But how can I? How can I be with him knowing he thinks I am repulsive? What are we supposed to live as friends forever and never be initmate again? I can't do that. I am so embarassed. I can't even look him in the face. I definitely can't eat in front of him. Everyone who knows us thinks he is just so wonderful and that I am so lucky. I thought the same thing up until now. It was all just a big fat lie!!!! No pun intented. I always thought that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lie. I felt so safe and secure with him. Lie. I felt like a princess no matter how much I weighed. Lie. I really thought we were soul mates. Lie. LIES, ALL LIES!!! Turns out I never really knew him at all. He is absolutely not who I thought he was. I gave him way too much credit.

    My poor son!!! That hurts the most. He is a very sensitive little boy. He has anxiety as it is. This is going to destroy him. Do I stay for him? What is the right thing to do for him? How can I stay though? Oh I am so ANGRY, I want to rip his heart out!!!! What if the tables were turned and he is the one who had the mentally ill child, went through hell and gained weight. How would he feel if I was repulsed by him??? I mean he was here and has dealt with my daughter's craziness but nothing like I have been through. He never really loved her like I do. I suffered so much, how could he do this to me???? What if I had diabetes or something and had to have my leg removed, what then? Wheres the better or worse here??? I think I am the most hurt by the fact that I never really knew who he really was. He had all of us fooled. My family just adores him. We all thought he was a good man. He is just like the rest of them. A shallow pig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Where do I begin, what do I do first? I need to get a job. Who is going to babysit? My son will not go to daycare or even to the afterschool program. Not that I could afford that anyway. He is EXTREMELY attached to his family, he will only go with me, his father, my sister or my mother. NO ONE else. He won't even go on playdated unless I am with him. He has bad anxiety. He is a very nervous kid. He cries when he has a substitute teacher for pete's sake!!! He cannot handle any kind of change. My mother is the only one who could possibly watch him while I work but her husband is very sick right now and she needs to be there 24/7 to take care of him. He has lung disease and is on oxygen. He probably won't live longer than a year or so. So I can't expect her to really help me right now. Oh my God, I do not know how I am going to do this on my own!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so scared.

    I am sorry that this was so long. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking it out.

    Shawna :sad-very:
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Oh Shawna, it is a disappointment to find out the man you are married to is not who you think he is. How did this all come about? Did he tell you that he is repulsed by you? How horrible and insensitive. The stress of a difficult child can wreck havoc on all areas of our lives. I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. A hug for your pain.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh Shawna,
    I am so very sorry for your pain.

    While all this is still so new and the hurt is raw and fresh, don't make any rash decisions right now. Whatever you do, you need to think long, hard and carefully about what's best for you and what's best for your son.

    Remember, we're all here for you. Vent, scream, cry, whatever you have to.
    Sending many gentle hugs to you.

  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Shawna}}} Take a deep breath. You do not need to make any concrete decisions about what you will do. Instead, focus on what you can do today to make a difference for yourself.

    Regardless of how your H feels and what he does or doesnt want to do - stop and think about what you want and how you will get there.

    Are you currently in contact with a counselor? If not, how about finding one who will help you navigate through all the ups and downs of a big life transition? Being able to just cry and vent about your personal defeats and disappointments will be so helpful in getting you to each new step.

    I know you're angry - but anger can be a very good motivator.

    Sending lots of hugs and support. I'm so sorry to hear about this. Seems there has been a lot of this going on around here, doesn't it? I know all of my focus on difficult child over the years has definitely put a dent in my marriage. And we went through he// at times...and I gained weight, then lost it, was depressed and negligent of H and his needs, and he of mine. Now that our girlies are mini-adults, we're finally trying to make time for each other. I know that we came very close to calling it quits. Bran, maybe there is hope for you and H. Maybe if you start to simply focus on caring for yourself and your health, the rest will fall into place. And if H is still there, then it will be up to you what happens next.

    You just never know. Hugs~
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Shawna, I'm so sorry for you. I can imagine the anger and the awful hurt.
    I'm sure you will alternate between these emotions for a while. I think you should not make a decision yet. A life altering decision should be made when your emotions aren't so raw and vulnerable.

    I think working on the relationship while studying options may give you time to process this horrible situation. Maybe get away for a few days now. Go to a friends, go to your mom's, go somewhere that will be away from husband for a few days. Just give yourself time to get through this initial horrid time.
    Give yourself a time line of when you will absolutely make a choice so you don't feel like you are in limbo.

    Just know that you are not your weight. The most important part of you is the same whether you are slim or heavy.
    Many hugs. No one should be treated so callously.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Shawna, I don't know if this helps, but a long time ago I was complaining to a therapist about my first husband and how he dresses and looks. She told me that it's never about THAT, those are the symptoms, not the problem. After I while, I realized she was right! None of us look as gorgeous as the day we got married, but if other things are going right, we don't notice things like how somebody looks (at least not as much). I was focusing on something unimportant because of more disturbing things that I didin't want to deal with. I don't know if this helps, but I hope so. It's not you. (((Hugs))) to you.
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Shawna.........I feel sick reading this.

    Seriously, I just do not even know what to say I am just so sad for you that you are encountering yet another hurdle.

    I went through this with second ex - and it is one of the most unbelievably humiliating, demoralizing, situations to be in. I am not sure I have ever recovered. To be turned down for sex because you are repulsive to your mate is one of the worst forms of abuse.

    I wish I could offer more, right now, some sort of advice but all I can offer is that you are not alone. I feel your pain, so intently - and I so wish that you were not going through this. I don't even know what to say - other than know you are not alone. You are definitely not alone.

    You and your family are in my prayers.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member


    You have both been through so very much the past several mos with regards to what your daughter's been doing and going through and the stress of it all is enough to make any two ppl split up.

    I am sorry that obviously things were said in regards to his being attracted to you in the therapy session that sent this up to the surface and you feeling this way.

    I have to ask, and you can answer if you want yet when he said he wanted to work on it, exactly what did he mean and how would the two of you go about doing so????

    Just take some deep breaths, often I have learned from my previous marriage that horrifying things can come out in therapy that can simply send you reeling and screaming into the night, now i'm not saying that you shouldnt' split at all. I'm just saying that therapy brings up hidden issues straight up to the surface. Don't be so quick to judge yourself and your jugement in regards to this man. He has stood by your side for ten years, he also has been by your side while this entire thing has been going on the past several mos that is causing great stress on your household and relationship.

    Take some time to deep breath through this right now, your emotions are raw, this is a shock and a blow to you. Just don't doubt you.

    Pm me if you want to, i'm here :)


    p.s. if this is what is going to happen and you do not want to continue this marriage, just remember something you entered this site as many of us do confused, and spiraling in regards to your daughter. WE have all watched you scrape your way to the top, your resiliency and strength has officially shined through. You are capable of absolutely anything you put your mind to, and I do mean ANYTHING.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I am truly so sorry this is happening! (((((HUGS)))) My husband is 100 pounds heavier than he was when I first met him! I'm the same, or less even. I don't care. Because he's him, and although I do get mad at him at times, it's not about the weight. DO NOT think this is about your weight! Don't make any rash desicions and be very good to yourself. Think things through and get all your ducks in a row before you do anything.-Alyssa
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know you're angry and hurting right now. But there is no need to make heat of the moment decisions. You can take time to calm down, decide what you want to do, plan how to make it happen, help difficult child transition into afterschool or daycare, and so on.

    It's time to focus on you for a while, hon.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm sorry you are hurting. Weight issues are very sensitive issues in our house as we both used to be thin and both got sick and gained a lot.

    Keep talking to your therapist. I will add this -Would you have been happier if your husband had never told you how he feels? Would it have been better for him to keep his thoughts to himself and just stew and live a lie? Not really - it took a lot of courage to say "I love you enough to worry about you - here is what I need you to do." So I still see a lot of love there, I wouldn't toss him to the curb yet. I'd meet with the therapist again to see if you can work on things WITH him and believe me there are a LOT of men out there that do love weighty women. Problem is - you have to really love who you are and be at peace with yourself before you attract them. You may have to just do that on your own with or without him. Would be better if it was with him - but in the mean time while you're working on your weight issue? Work on your self esteem issues - living with a difficult child can wear that off of you as a Mom and start wearing away at you as a person. I know - been there done that.

  12. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all so much for the support and calming me down. I don't know what to believe at this point. He swears that it's not me. We have been talking a bit today and he just keeps saying that he loves me and he does not care about my weight. Here is what happened during therapy:

    I brought up the fact that he doesn't want sex anymore. He was visibly embarassed and held his head down, would not look Alex (sw/therapist/female) in the eyes. She kept asking him why he doesn't want sex anymore. He kept saying he just doesn't have an answer, he doesn't know why. She kept on pushing him and pushing him to answer, he kept repeating the same thing, "I don't know". She said yes you do. She then began asking him if the reason will hurt my feelings and that's why he doesn't want to say it. He said no, it's not me. She kept on and kept on, "Will the reason hurt Shawna's feelings?", she must have asked him that same question 10 times before he finally said "yes". So that is why I feel as though he is disgusted by my weight. If the reason will hurt my feelings then what else could it be? Now I have been hounding him for the reason for months. I ask him all of the time if it is me and he keeps telling me no. We have had this same discussion a gazillion times and he always says he just does not know why he lost his sex drive. Since I have put on so much weight I always felt that that was the reason. He never came out and said it, not even in therapy. But what else, short of him being gay would hurt my feelings? Today I asked him if it is not me than why on earth did he say yes when Alex asked him if the reason would hurt my feelings. He said "Because she backed me in a corner and would not let up, I just said yes to shut her the f**k up". He kept telling me that he loves me no matter my size, he loves me for me and that he truly doesn't know what is going on with him or why he has lost his sex drive. He said if he knew why he would tell me but it is absolutely not me, he swore up and down on the kids lives that it's not me. Maybe it is him, I don't know. I just know that I feel completely rejected and can't help but think it's me. I don't know what to believe. It really doesn't make sense to me because his ex is heavier than me and most of his ex girlfriends are overweight. He likes big woman. Maybe I am being oversensitive. But it is absolutely crushing to be turned down when you are offering your husband sex!!!!

    I really don't want to split up. Other than the no sex thing he really is a good guy. He has stuck by me through all of the craziness, he never goes out, he cleans the house, pro-active with our son, does homework and baths and takes very good care of us. He does nice things for me all of the time, in fact he came home with an IPOD for me the other day. He bought me a flat screen tv last month. He does stuff to make me happy. It's just this sex thing that is killing me. Am I overreacting? Could it be that he has just lost his sex drive at 31??? What do you all think??
  13. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    It may just be all the craziness that has been going on and it's not the weight. difficult child's strain the best relationship. I've seen so many people get divorced on this board over the years. That's why I stayed single for so long. I have no desire to get divorced again.

    If he is the sensitive type, I can see him losing some sex drive just from stress. I know I get that way. Well I either go from one extreme or the other.... usually the other. I start feeling clostrophobic from all the difficult child issues I just can't always handle being that close to my SO. It's not him. He has gained lots of weight since we first started dating but that isn't it. It's just that I don't want to be close to anyone at the moment. For the most part it is that I just want me time. I rarely get just me time. I'm always either doing something with or for him or difficult child or someone else. I often forget about me and then end up lashing out when i shouldn't.

    So... in my opinion it's probably the stress of kids, difficult children, and just every day life stuff and probably not your weight.

    Sorry you are going through this. :anxious:

  14. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm so sorry this is happening in your relationship. Maybe he would open up more to a therapist if he went on his own for a while. Perhaps even a male therapist. It truly may be not have anything to do with you. He's not saying anything about wanting to leave you, is he? It doesn't sound like it from your posts. He continues to profess his love for you, even if there is no passion right now. But if he doesn't make an attempt to figure it out and work on it the issue will never be resolved. It might be too hard for him to talk about with you in the room right now.

  15. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am sorry you are feeling this too. Must be the time of year !!!

    Seems as if not all men are interested in sex. Mine hasn't touched me in many years and due to recent findings don't know if I ever want to connect with him. I thought it was me all these years. (previous posts)

    Take some time to process all that is going on. I had the same questions, fears (different circumstances). I cannot look at my husband right now. don't want to be in the same room. After our first counseling session (the scream fest) - we have not fought at home. We aren't exactly talking much, but we are not screaming like we were.
    I haven't been engaged in an argument/fight with difficult child either. (however-finals are over and quarter ended. School is a real issue)

    You have been SO strong. Don't give up so fast. You said husband didn't want to leave, correct? Take some time and process everything.

    So sorry you are going through this. You are amazing. Your strength is shown in every post. Hang in there.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are many reasons to lose the drive. Medications, stress, hormonal imbalances, etc.
    He needs to get checkd out medically first.
    He is telling you it is not you. I think you can't get past that because you are unhappy with your weight (believe me - I am right there with ya!).

    Relationships have their peaks and valleys. It takes time for a relationship to head downward and it will take time for it to start up the next peak. Relax and figure out what you need to be happy. He should do the same. At a point you will speak about that and probably be surprised to find they are similar needs.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Shawna, this sounds like maybe you are jumping to conclusions and he may have a problem. My hub is getting older and he takes a supplement to errrrrrrr help him out. But even some young men suddenly become impotent. It's not that rare. It COULD very well be HIM. Is he on an antidepressant? That will kill your sex drive. Other medications can too. It sounds like the therapist DID back him into a corner so he just wanted her to stop badgering him. in my opinion that's not good therapy. You may be getting all upset at him while he's upset with himself, wondering why he can't perform well anymore. And there is help for that. (((Hugs))) again.
  18. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Shawna, don't be too hard on yourself. You know, maybe stress has gotten to him. Maybe he is experiencing just some male issues. Maybe he is embarrassed. Maybe he is afraid you will think poorly of him or think he is less of a man. Some men feel that way. Is it possible he is telling you the truth? He loves you, and it IS him?

    Hang in there. Thinking of you.
  19. artana

    artana New Member

    I think that it does sound like the therapist pushed him a lot. Just like your stress over difficult child, maybe the stress got to him in similar ways. He might need to get himself in order first. Maybe you should ask him if he wants therapy on his own. This way, he can be honest with the therapist, work out whatever he's dealing with, and be able to answer you directly once he knows for sure. Just a thought.
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well Shawna, now that you've clarified your interpretation of what he 'meant' by his admission in therapy that it would hurt your feelings without ever saying it was your need to find a way to stop obsession that it's your weight.

    And if you feel so strongly that he is repulsed by your weight, perhaps it's you that is upset at your weight gain. And I agree that your H should probably see first his regular DR for a full physical to rule that out and then a counselor to discuss what's going on with him. My God, depression and stress are the number one reasons for a lack of sex drive outside of a side effect from medications. It really does sound like maybe, with all the stress with your kiddos, he could very well be depressed.

    Like I said in my first post, you need to start with YOU. All you can control at this point is YOU, not him. You need to start focusing on you and your personal health (if that means dieting or taking alone time or whatever) and let him focus on his. If you can, continue to go to counseling together but maybe you could also take turns seeing the counselor alone once in a while. It sounds like he has some things to say that he would prefer to say alone. And that's not a slam against you - not all of us share every little thought and trouble with our partner. Sometimes we need to vent to someone else entirely and this may be one of those times. Would you feel threatened by him seeing the counselor alone?

    Hugs, Shawna. None of this is easy, but it's been said before: Marriages and sex wax and wane throughout - it's not all rosy all the time, as you know. I'm sorry that you're doubting yourself and H so much and that you're hurting so. But please just take one day at a time and don't throw in the towel just yet.