B
bran155
Guest
I am devastated!!! After all I have been through with my daughter, now this. We have been disconnected for a while, although we have always been best friends. When I met him I was 123 pounds, over the years I have gained so much weight. I now weigh 225 pounds! I really thought he was different. It never seemed to bother him, he always told me I was beautiful anyway and that he didn't care about my weight. Well that was a lie. The last 5 years of my life all has been a lie. For years we haven't really had a great sex life. Well, the sex was great it just wasn't a regular occurance. We would have sex every couple of months. With all that was going on with my daughter I never really thought anything of it. Then I started thinking that it wasn't fair to my husband so I tried to reconnect with him. A few months ago I started to initiate conversations relating to our relationship, that it was more like a friendship and I wanted to get back to where we were supposed to be, like man and wife. So, I started to initiate sex with him. He would actually turn me down. This has been an ongoing argument for us for the past few months. All the while I am feeling as though I am neglecting him, little did I know, he never wanted it anyway. We started couples therapy with my sw and the truth came out. It turns out he is not who I thought he was at all. I thought I was so blessed to have a man who really loved me for me. I felt so lucky that I had his love unconditionally. Boy was I wrong. Everytime he turned me down he said it was him, he has just lost his sex drive. I always thought that it was more than that, he is a 31 year old man. What 31 year old man doesn't want sex??? I am just crushed, humiliated, devastated and scared to death. I never knew he was so shallow. What a fool I have been to ever think that I could be that lucky.
We have been together for 10 years. How on earth do I function now? I don't work, I haven't had a job since I had my son 8 years ago. Even when I get a job I won't be able to pay my rent, bills, food, clothing and so on. I am so lost right now. He doesn't want to break up, he wants to work on this. But how can I? How can I be with him knowing he thinks I am repulsive? What are we supposed to live as friends forever and never be initmate again? I can't do that. I am so embarassed. I can't even look him in the face. I definitely can't eat in front of him. Everyone who knows us thinks he is just so wonderful and that I am so lucky. I thought the same thing up until now. It was all just a big fat lie!!!! No pun intented. I always thought that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lie. I felt so safe and secure with him. Lie. I felt like a princess no matter how much I weighed. Lie. I really thought we were soul mates. Lie. LIES, ALL LIES!!! Turns out I never really knew him at all. He is absolutely not who I thought he was. I gave him way too much credit.
My poor son!!! That hurts the most. He is a very sensitive little boy. He has anxiety as it is. This is going to destroy him. Do I stay for him? What is the right thing to do for him? How can I stay though? Oh I am so ANGRY, I want to rip his heart out!!!! What if the tables were turned and he is the one who had the mentally ill child, went through hell and gained weight. How would he feel if I was repulsed by him??? I mean he was here and has dealt with my daughter's craziness but nothing like I have been through. He never really loved her like I do. I suffered so much, how could he do this to me???? What if I had diabetes or something and had to have my leg removed, what then? Wheres the better or worse here??? I think I am the most hurt by the fact that I never really knew who he really was. He had all of us fooled. My family just adores him. We all thought he was a good man. He is just like the rest of them. A shallow pig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do I begin, what do I do first? I need to get a job. Who is going to babysit? My son will not go to daycare or even to the afterschool program. Not that I could afford that anyway. He is EXTREMELY attached to his family, he will only go with me, his father, my sister or my mother. NO ONE else. He won't even go on playdated unless I am with him. He has bad anxiety. He is a very nervous kid. He cries when he has a substitute teacher for pete's sake!!! He cannot handle any kind of change. My mother is the only one who could possibly watch him while I work but her husband is very sick right now and she needs to be there 24/7 to take care of him. He has lung disease and is on oxygen. He probably won't live longer than a year or so. So I can't expect her to really help me right now. Oh my God, I do not know how I am going to do this on my own!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so scared.
I am sorry that this was so long. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking it out.
Shawna
We have been together for 10 years. How on earth do I function now? I don't work, I haven't had a job since I had my son 8 years ago. Even when I get a job I won't be able to pay my rent, bills, food, clothing and so on. I am so lost right now. He doesn't want to break up, he wants to work on this. But how can I? How can I be with him knowing he thinks I am repulsive? What are we supposed to live as friends forever and never be initmate again? I can't do that. I am so embarassed. I can't even look him in the face. I definitely can't eat in front of him. Everyone who knows us thinks he is just so wonderful and that I am so lucky. I thought the same thing up until now. It was all just a big fat lie!!!! No pun intented. I always thought that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lie. I felt so safe and secure with him. Lie. I felt like a princess no matter how much I weighed. Lie. I really thought we were soul mates. Lie. LIES, ALL LIES!!! Turns out I never really knew him at all. He is absolutely not who I thought he was. I gave him way too much credit.
My poor son!!! That hurts the most. He is a very sensitive little boy. He has anxiety as it is. This is going to destroy him. Do I stay for him? What is the right thing to do for him? How can I stay though? Oh I am so ANGRY, I want to rip his heart out!!!! What if the tables were turned and he is the one who had the mentally ill child, went through hell and gained weight. How would he feel if I was repulsed by him??? I mean he was here and has dealt with my daughter's craziness but nothing like I have been through. He never really loved her like I do. I suffered so much, how could he do this to me???? What if I had diabetes or something and had to have my leg removed, what then? Wheres the better or worse here??? I think I am the most hurt by the fact that I never really knew who he really was. He had all of us fooled. My family just adores him. We all thought he was a good man. He is just like the rest of them. A shallow pig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do I begin, what do I do first? I need to get a job. Who is going to babysit? My son will not go to daycare or even to the afterschool program. Not that I could afford that anyway. He is EXTREMELY attached to his family, he will only go with me, his father, my sister or my mother. NO ONE else. He won't even go on playdated unless I am with him. He has bad anxiety. He is a very nervous kid. He cries when he has a substitute teacher for pete's sake!!! He cannot handle any kind of change. My mother is the only one who could possibly watch him while I work but her husband is very sick right now and she needs to be there 24/7 to take care of him. He has lung disease and is on oxygen. He probably won't live longer than a year or so. So I can't expect her to really help me right now. Oh my God, I do not know how I am going to do this on my own!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so scared.
I am sorry that this was so long. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking it out.
Shawna