My rope is gone!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by donedonedone, Aug 23, 2011.

  1. donedonedone

    donedonedone New Member

    It frayed to the point that I can't even find the end of my rope any more.

    I've always known something was up with biggest... always, but had my feelings squashed by spouse who knows ALL THE THINGS.
    Biggest has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, Hyperactivity and a laundry basket of other things on Fluoxetine and Dexadrine... taken up self harming this summer to top off the not eating when angry/upset ... yes a 50 lb 10 year old can exist! Problem with all of this, his IQ (once he stopped being bored with it) is in the 150's. Makes getting an aide in the classroom difficult. Good thing he refuses to write with his hands eh?
    rolls eyes.
    Midsized... angry ALL THE TIME... finally freaked out at the optometrist (he reads upside down without problems, right side up... not so great! dyslexia anyone?) and flopped himself back in that big ol chair and yowled "why can't anything ever be wrong with MEEEEEEE?????"
    Girlie... Will require years of therapy because all I ever want to and some days do say to her is ENOUGH! Figure she is on the same path as biggest a Hyperactivity disorder and on the autism scale somewhere. Refusing to medicate for now... Dr. is with me on that one.

    Me... I'm too tired to be depressed. Overwhelmed. Angry? absolutely. Depressed. No time or money for that!
    I'm trying to divorce my gay, child sex offender wasband who was taken away in handcuffs several years ago. Despite all those big black issues... not as easy as one might think. He is a bit of a narcissist and most certainly a good ol sociopath. Asking for shared custody.
    Not if I can help it.

    There are days I wonder if we're going to make it.
    It has been 8 weeks since school let out, no camps for the kids, lack of money and well... lack of social skills to cope with a summer camp. Which makes me soooo frustrated. Blew up more than once at people advocating that I send them all to camp to get a break.
    bashes head to desk

    Hi... I'm new here. Thanks for letting me get it out. Cause quite honestly... if I didn't soon. I was going to self destruct.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome.
    Glad you found us - sorry you had to!

    First - here, grab one of my knots... I won't be frayed until next week after difficult child goes back to school!

    Wow - you've got quite a load. You gave lots of details - which will help the rest of us follow what is happening.
    I'm going to have to come back later and read in detail - but wanted you to at least know that you're welcome here.

    Hang in there - others WILL be along with more questions and/or ideas and/or advice...
  3. donedonedone

    donedonedone New Member

    until next week after difficult child goes back to school!

    Obviously not in the same Province as me... cause we don't go back until the 8th.
    Shudders... cause if biggest doesn't get his beloved Aide back that first day, all HELL will break lose.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Wow......just Wow! I am soooo sorry you had to find us but soooo glad you did. The parents on here have kept me sane for about a year now. A 60 pound 13 year old exists too. I live with him. I won't ask many questions right now because now that you got all that out, I am sure you just need to BREATHE......BREATHE.....BREATHE. Are either of the kids receiving therapy? Do you get any support services like respite care? Sounds like Biggest might need to be in a psychiatric hospital since he is now a danger to himself.

    {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} and more {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If you set your profile to allow Private Messages, then it allows the rest of us to ask some things "off the record". Like - do NOT post what prov you're in (unless you're in Ontario the rest of the country is too "small" to get THAT fine in our location)... but I could PM you and find out, in case its a prov I have experience with... Make sense?

    You might want to add to your sig - a brief listing of who's in your household... see some of the other sigs. This is a quick point of reference when we're answering posts - helps us remember which situation is who's!
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    :hugs::notalone: Welcome to the board. I totally identify with your sig.

    Great start with the info. How old are they? Biggest is 10, so you've got a young brood.

    Vent away, that's what we're all here for.
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Just saying welcome and hope you have a good lawyer. Vent away, this is a great place for it.
  8. I don't even remember what my rope looks like, assuming I had one. You found a good place with people who understand. I was very happy when I found this site. My co-workers would be bummed when their kid came home with a note saying s/he talked too much. Mine came home with suspension notices. Not a lot of common ground sometimes. Here, they get it and nothing shocks them. It's such a relief. Hang in there, lady.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    OK, back as promised - now that the others are all tucked into bed (including the dogs) I've got a few minutes to think (between work tasks).

    Sounds like Biggest has a slate of dxes etc. plus medications. Who did the dxes? When? Did he ever have an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation? Sounds like there is depression - fluoxetine is usually for depression. Dexadrine is for the hyperactivity? I'm reading between the lines, but I'm seeing a kid whose brain is smarter than his body can keep up with - and its driving him insane. The Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified may be a transient label - might be the best label they had at the time, but might not be accurate. What are his motor skills like? Obviously, he's a non-writer, so I'm guessing he has fine motor skills issues - or is it "just" dysgraphia? If he can do buttons, tie shoes, and enjoy fine artwork, he probably doesn't have fine motor skills problems. What about his gross motor skills? Why, specifically, would he need an aide in the class... just to scribe for him? or for other reasons? (scribing can be replaced by technology, often)

    Midsized... has he ever actually been evaluated for learning disabilities? How old is he?

    Girlie - how old? what behaviors are showing up?

    To what degree are the kids getting quality sleep? Not quantity - but quality. If they have trouble waking up, have dark circles under their eyes, etc. - they might be getting 12 hours of "sleep" but only 4 of "quality sleep"... can you run on 4 hours of sleep? repeatedly? What kinds of specialists are involved with them on a regular basis? What kinds of activities are they involved in other than school?

    You're not getting enough sleep, either. been there done that. Seems to go with this stage of the process. Ditto the "overwhelmed" and the "angry".

    Its too late for this summer, but it sounds like your kids could have used a therapeutic day camp - usually run through child mental health departments, for kids with a mix of behaviour issues and/or disabilities. Its free. Staffed by people who can handle the behavior. Usually, you have to be "on the list" by Jan or Feb to get in - so start putting things in place for next summer.

    A couple of other tips... if you go through some of the other threads, you'll see the same stuff come up over and over again... because it works.
    1) Learn to take micro-breaks. Pick an activity that you enjoy, that can be done in half-hour or hour increments. Pick a time when the kids are safe (usually, that means "asleep"!). Then, make a regular habit of spending that 30-60 minutes on YOURSELF. Read a book - but not about parenting or child disabilities. Take a hot bubble bath. Work on a quilt, knit, cross-stitch. Practice a musical instrument (if you can do that and not wake up the kids!). Even if you have to take 30 minutes out of YOUR sleep to get 30 minutes of "ME" time, you HAVE to do it. The stress-busting effect will give YOU a better quality sleep, and start a more positive trend.

    2) See if you can get a copy of "the book"... around here, most of us have at least read The Explosive Child - and the concepts there apply to many of our kids. Nothing too extreme, either, just a different way of looking at the kids and a different approach to intervention.

    Grab a knot and start swinging... we'll see if we can help you get to the next tree!
  10. donedonedone

    donedonedone New Member

    diagnosis's are from both school division and specialist Dr's. The fluoxetine is a multipurpose medication for his anxiety and the situational upset he was going through when his life blew up (dad taken away in handcuffs, loss of home, loss of access to dad, new school, new town, mom more overwhelmed than before *marriage was over before his charges came to light just forced my plans for leaving him to change*, new new new! ect...).
    Dexadrine you have right on the button.
    Yes, I liken him to having a brain going 200 km/h and his body just can't keep up.
    Due to the Pervasive Developmental Disorder, he just doesn't function well in the classroom (on top of the whole brain functioning above normal). The aide is there to keep him on task, help him cope with everyday issues that crop up which usually make him implode. Our person is AMAZING... will be freaking the heck out if the School Division lied to me in June.
    Occupational Therapist (OT) is pretty vague. He used to have amazing gross and fine motor skills very confident and graceful. We have a few things going on with Occupational Therapist (OT) through school. The waiting list for this sort of thing is over two years... so I take notes and do things on our own when not in school.
    His anxiety of having to 'get everything out on paper' over rides his hand doing that work. Then comes the attitude of 'well people should just know what I mean! I don't have to spell stuff right, they should know!!! '
    Anyone else see the teenager yet?

    Midsized has not been evaluated. I have dyslexia, my sibling didn't read until he was about 12?, his children have dyslexia... we aren't concerned. He has always been a bit of a drama llama. He is angry about a lot of stuff. Not sure how it will change once dad gets access to them again. Not looking forward to it, but it has to be done. The only behavioural issue is his anger, lack of patience. Which apparently isn't all that uncommon, dare I say.... Normal for a kid who has gone through what he has???
    ooooh I said it!

    I can't even go in to girlie tonight... it has been a day and a half... and she still isn't asleep. Similar to biggest brother, but eats all the things! Her testing has also been through the Division and the Specialist Dr.

    Sadly yes, I do consistently function on four hours of sleep. A night I get five or more is like heaven.
    Been like that since the day wasband was arrested. I envy people with infants... at least they have something to keep them busy while sleep deprived. ;-)
    All three get melatonin to help with sleeping.
    Some nights it works great, some nights *tonight* it does not.
    Ah ha ha hah ah ahhhhhhhh giggles then gives a great heaving sigh.
    You assume these sort of things exist here in any sort of easily accessible way.
    Sadly, I completely freaked the heck out on the Provincial program workers who DID have some children out at the spray park cause one of their wards lured one of my children in to the washroom *yes I was right behind them and brought a nasty end to it before anything could happen*. To say I have issues with this program is an understatement. Or more to the point the people they have hired to DO the program.
    Ohhh yes, the waiting list. Minimum of two years when I handed in the paperwork in July.
    For the second time.
    Cause we were denied the first time.
    Cause we aren't checking off enough criteria to get in the program.

    Oh and the one through childrens mental health is for younger children and not as volatile as biggest... I applied for the last two years and finally this year they told me he never FIT the program... grumbles.

    We only go to the park if we're there with friends. It is just a recipe for disaster on our own. We need 'friends' who can keep us from screaming at each other!
    Help me... but we are going to a wedding this weekend, well the boys are hanging out with our Parks Canada friend while girlie is a flower girl! and then staying in a hotel for the night.
    I'll take the laptop... I have a feeling I'll be back here for inspiration/hope by the end of the day!
  11. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Why does X get to have anything to do with the kids? He is a sex offender! Courts are so stupid!

    Biggest raises his hand when he doesn't want to write? Mine just doesn't say anything and teacher can go all day before realizing difficult child 1 has done anything all day long. Mine has a problem with writing as well. He can write as long as he doesn't have to think too. Can't do them both together. He can type. So the school has an alpha smart that he types on then prints out his work.

    Is the Dr. that did your kids testing a neuropsychologist or developmental pediatrician or child psychiatrist?

    I can see why you wouldn't want your kids in a program run by people who don't watch the kids.

    I hope you have supportive friends for the wedding. I hope you have fun.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There's too many layers to deal with all of them at the same time. I mean - YOU have to, and all I have to offer is hugs and an ear. Not fair.
    But to make this easier for me to keep straight, I'm going to have to pick a topic. Which is tough, because there seems to be TWO real biggies... Biggest, and You.
    Seeing as how you're a Mom, I'm guessing we tackle Biggest first. Other things will flow from there.

    First, yes, even kids with NO mental health/medical/learning issues would be having major problems after what you all have been through. Hands down.
    The problem is...
    1) the "solutions" that work for most kids, don't work for "our" kids.
    2) the issues that come out of the situation are 100x worse, because "our" kids don't have the coping skills, social skils, etc.
    3) Biggest is at exactly the WRONG age for any of this. Somehow, grades 3-5 are the absolute worst time to be making major changes... NOT that you had any choice in the matter. But its reality. At this age, the other kids have well-formed cliques, bullying roles are well defined, and if you can't walk in and fit in instantly, you're an "outsider". Like, "forever" (or at least until highschool).

    Second, it sounds like there are "hidden" disabilities going on.
    His writing problem is NOT motor skills - because motor skills don't magically go away - you can lose them due to injury, but otherwise... that's not the problem.
    Suggestion: He might have dysgraphia. A learning disability that has to do with capturing thoughts and ideas in written form. It makes no difference if they are asked to write/print, type (computer or whatever), or are scribed for... getting thoughts into organized written form is like pulling hens' teeth. This is a learning disability. It is not the same as dyslexia... which affects both reading and writing. Typically, kids with dysgraphia can devour books, and can deliver all the right answers back in class discussions or oral exams... just can't do "written work".

    He works better "one-on-one". It will take a LOT of pushing on this one, but start working through the process of getting his auditory functions tested. He likely doesn't have a hearing problem, but you'll need to rule that out. Probably doesn't have a language processing problem either, but also needs to be ruled out. Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) is usually through the school - if you can get access. But in most of Canada, they are also available privately - many work in the school system and take a few cases in the evening or over the summer, partly to keep a broader exposure to age groups etc. And they are NOT that expensive for testing. What you are really looking for here is "auditory filtering" or "auditory discrimination". His brain may have problems distinguishing the sounds he needs to hear, in the presence of background noise - and classrooms are NOISY, at the best of times. You'll have to really push to get this tested - its fairly new - only been seen around HERE in the last couple of years.

    Either auditory issues OR dysgraphia would be enough to send an intellegent kid around the bend. BOTH is deadly. And it could be both.

    Given his intellegence, not being able to write, or not being able to hear, is really frustrating. He is really smart, but looks stupid - and both the other kids, and most of the teachers, will treat him that way. Getting the right diagnosis on this will help deal with the teacher problem (usually) - and, dealing with the teacher problem leads to success, which helps deal with the other problems.

    If he's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, then he's toward the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum but doesn't meet "diagnostic cutoff". BUT - things that work for Aspie's often work for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified. You might have to ask about some stronger medications... to slow that engine down. Trying to deal with the other stuff is going to be really hard until you get him slowed down. Depends on how open to discussion your psychiatrist is... might need to add a low-dose antipsychotic. Sounds scary - but it was our only hope, and its working well.

    Briefly, about YOU. 4 hours of sleep - 5 on a good night. been there done that. For 2 years. Its better now - but we had to find answers first.
    You may not be able to solve that in the short run. But in the mean time, you need to be careful not to add to the problem. So, don't use caffeine, nicotine, or calories to keep yourself going. It snowballs too fast.
    Eat frequent small meals, make every snack healthy. Make sure you drink enough - water, milk, juice, herbal tea.
    Speaking of herbal tea... for some people, certain herbs work wonders on moods. Might be worth playing with.

    Sounds like you have a few resources around you - that helps.

    Hang in there... we'll be interested to see how the wedding goes.
  13. donedonedone

    donedonedone New Member

    Only first world country that allows these men to still be parents.
    The US allows it too, but usually apprehends the kids from the mother if she takes the guy back, then they get "visits".

    Here, they have the right to demand shared custody even though they aren't allowed near ANY OTHER children.
    stupid stupid stupid system

    Time to go try and survive a few more hours...
    HORRIBLE DAY here.
  14. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I am so sorry. Can they do supervised visits? Will the court listen to the kids if they don't want to go?

    My heart goes out to you. I hope your day gets better.
  15. donedonedone

    donedonedone New Member

    Retraining the new people next week.
    allll neeeeeeeew people at the school, met the new head of administrations this week. He listened and did what I asked quite nicely for me.

    Found this gem of a spoof this morning.

    HOPE HOPE HOPE it brings a little giggle ?
    minor one.

    I laughed long and hard, cause I could have written it with a smidgen more frustration in there, but sooo true.

    IEPs by Dr. Seuss
    Author: Unknown

    Do you like these IEPs?

    I do not like these IEPs
    I do not like them, Jeeze Louise
    We test, we check
    We plan, we meet
    But nothing ever seems complete.

    Would you, could you
    Like the form?

    I do not like the form I see
    Not page 1, not 2, or 3
    Another change
    A brand new box
    I think we all
    Have lost our rocks.

    Could you all meet here or there?

    We could not all meet here or there.
    We cannot all fit anywhere.
    Not in a room
    Not in the hall
    There seems to be no space at all.

    Would you, could you meet again?

    I cannot meet again next week
    No lunch, no prep
    Please hear me speak.
    No, not at dusk. No, not at dawn
    at 5 pm I should be gone.

    Could you hear while all speak out?
    Would you write the words they spout?

    I could not hear, I would not write
    This does not need to be a fight.
    Sign here, date there,
    Mark this, check that
    Beware the students ad-vo-cat(e).

    You do not like them
    So you say
    Try again!
    And you may.

    If you will let me be,
    I'll try again
    You will see.


    I almost like these IEPs
    I think I'll write 6003.
    And I will practice day and night
    Until they say
    "You've got it right!"
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Wow! That's a good one.
    You should post that over in Special Education and/or the Watercooler - so the others can laugh along with us.
    SooooooOOOOO True!
  17. donedonedone

    donedonedone New Member

    please feel free to cut and paste it for me... I've got a serious case of Lazy and haven't put up what my family consists of (mostly cause I'd put nasty things about their father and that isn't nice... not that I'm nice, but yeah... lazy) and don't want to just show up with something that some people may not laugh at.
    I got hollered at by another person for 'ridiculing' the hard work... AS IF I DON'T KNOW HOW HARD????
    geeze louise!

    good mojo please... we are going to a friends house for supper... I don't wanna ! Well, I don't wanna with my kids!
  18. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    The emotional exhaustion of raising a difficult child or 3 is enough that I want to just sit all day long. I don't of course or we wouldn't eat. I don't think of it as lazy; just tired all the time.

    I hope you have fun at your friends house. At least you don't have to cook.