Anosognosia

[completelydrained]

Just received an email from my conduct disordered son today. He switches his SIM card between two phones. Easier I guess when you don't know when you'll get a chance to charge batteries while on the streets. Just informed me he lost his SIM card. He has no way of contacting me now. On his way walking to next County to look for work. His right knee is wrapped in ace bandages. ER says he needs surgery on it. Not sure if it's a torn ligament or torn meniscus. Needs further evaluation. I've had a bilateral torn meniscus. I know what level of pain this is. But he will keep walking. I think about things like battery operated heated gloves, socks, blankets, knee brace, solar powered cell phone chargers. Then I have a moment of clear thinking, just more for him to carry. The struggle to get him to say yes. PO Box so far away now. And I let go. But letting go does not stop the heart ache. Just the senseless thinking, senseless efforts to solve, senseless efforts to save. Our state just got its first blanket of snow. I know how the weather affects this kind of pain. I am powerless. Today is my other son's birthday. Just got off the phone with him. Trying to act happy. Not wanting to spoil his B'day. But I did have to let him know about his brother. It is also Veteran's day. My husband is a Viet Nam vet. And me? I just want to curl up into a fetal position and cry. Except I can't. I know I need to. But I'm numb.

 

[Crayola13]

It might help you to talk to someone in person. I think you need serious emotional support. Is there anyone who could meet up with you this evening? Please be strong and don't torment yourself. The forum is always hete, but sometimes we have to talk to a support partner in person.

 

[Smithmom]

Often the ability to plan, to look for a solution is a blessing. There may not be one but it keeps us from thinking the worst. Keeps us busy. Keeps on our minds on something productive. But when we need to disengage its so much worse. Where do we find the optimism? I honestly don't think its senseless to keep thinking of what you could do for him. I think its our mind's effort to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Maybe not productive or useful for him. But if it helps you cope, if it keeps the negatives away...

From the time mine was 11 or so he would sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. For the longest time I'd get the younger ones out if their beds and into the car to drive around looking for him. Rarely found him. Eventually gave up looking. Then just spent all night worrying. Nothing else I could do. Would spend hours on this site. Would also spend hours making up, on computer, missing posters, flyers, etc. Didn't do anything with them. He always turned up by dawn. Usually high. But making up those posters which I knew I'd never use kept my mind off the horrible thoughts of what could happen.

 

[completelydrained]

It might help you to talk to someone in person. I think you need serious emotional support. Is there anyone who could meet up with you this evening? Please be strong and don't torment yourself. The forum is always hete, but sometimes we have to talk to a support partner in person.

Crayola, Thank you for your concern. I've had more therapy than any other person I have ever known. So I totally get the need for it. My last two attempts presented me with nothing that I haven't already learned in therapy. I no longer feel the need to pay someone to listen to me. It is what it is and my feelings are what they are. I know how to live with them. My reason for being here is to express them with other like minded parents. So no worry, worry! K?

 

[completelydrained]

Often the ability to plan, to look for a solution is a blessing. There may not be one but it keeps us from thinking the worst. Keeps us busy. Keeps on our minds on something productive. But when we need to disengage its so much worse. Where do we find the optimism? I honestly don't think its senseless to keep thinking of what you could do for him. I think its our mind's effort to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Maybe not productive or useful for him. But if it helps you cope, if it keeps the negatives away...

From the time mine was 11 or so he would sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. For the longest time I'd get the younger ones out if their beds and into the car to drive around looking for him. Rarely found him. Eventually gave up looking. Then just spent all night worrying. Nothing else I could do. Would spend hours on this site. Would also spend hours making up, on computer, missing posters, flyers, etc. Didn't do anything with them. He always turned up by dawn. Usually high. But making up those posters which I knew I'd never use kept my mind off the horrible thoughts of what could happen.

So would mine, but not until he was 16. We did the driving around thing too. Found him every time at his girlfriend's. She got pregnant when he was just shy of 17. One of those Pregnancy Pact things we've all read or heard about since 1997. Whole other chapter there. But you are absolutely correct. I don't think it's senseless either. Until I do, if that makes sense. I've always told my sisters, if I stop talking about it, that's when you need to start worrying about me. Same need to feel productive and solution oriented. Never give up. Surrender in the moment, knowing tomorrow is another day and none of us know what is around the corner. When I need to. I've seen miracles before. No reason to think there will never be another one. Staying busy has its use for anxiety, worry and powerlessness. It's all such a balancing act. Never had to deal with Anosognosia in one of my loved ones before. New puzzle. New shapes. I'm just beginning to learn how to deal with this.The lines are still blurry. I think about the cartoons of my childhood. Little birdies flying in a circle over someone's head. Not so funny now. Picking up something heavy and banging someone's head to bring them back. If only it were that simple. Time to turn it over and go to bed. Thank you.

 

[completelydrained]

Managed to get a new SIM card. Back to, well, yesterday it was 35 texts. Managed to get some major things done today. Felt good. One day at a time.