It's been a while Conduct Disorders family. I check in and read when I'm feeling down or just need to know that I'm not the only that struggles hard to maintain a semblance of a normal life when those I have bore, nurtured, provide for, and love can barely stand to be around me, let alone involved in their lives. Unless, of course, it means driving my car and getting some cash. I shared this in another thread, and thought I should probably write one of my own. To give this some context, I graduated from college last year and got a new job. So I went from working full time and going to school to working 12 to 14 hours a day Monday-Friday at my new job. I'm worn out physically and mentally the majority of the time. However, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel job-wise and getting my degree is the realization of a life-long dream. It WAS, indeed, for me. My difficult child children, are well, difficult children. Looking back and now, I realize that daughter is a Borderline. Out of all the doctors and specialists she saw over the years, I think only ONE hinted at it when she was 12 or 13. I reflect and think how could I have missed it? So reactive, so over-the-top, yet absent were the symptoms that come with Bi-Polar. That girl fought me on just about everything growing up and continues to this today. She lives at home in her filthy room, looking awful most of the time, yakking it up with her friends on her phone. She "screamed" at me that she's a lesbian and that I don't accept her for who she is and that she can't talk to me. However, what I have learned is that "talking" to her is her yelling horrible things at me. We live in the same house, but communicate mostly by text message because most other conversations end up in her screaming, yelling, and slamming the door. She driven my car for the last 4 or so years. I've driven it ONCE. It's pretty much trashed now. I don't even want it back. I did have plans to trade it in to buy a new one, but I look inside and see what a mess it is and all the damage. I've told her to save her money to buy her own car, but she can't qualify because she mostly works part time. If she doesn't have the car, she loses her job. In our area, jobs are very difficult to come by. Especially, if you only have a HS diploma. Her problem? Yes, I know. husband has found half drank and empty alcohol bottles in her room. She has told "text" me that she's so very depressed and she shared, i.e., screamed, she had some very horrific things happen to her as a teenager but didn't tell me because she, at the time, didn't understand what was happening. I strongly encouraged therapy and she got angry and said that she's sad about our relationship being so estranged and that is because she can't talk to me about her romantic relationships in detail. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that and I do care that she's happy because due to the trauma she has experienced a professional would be better equipped to help her, but I would be willing to go to some of the sessions if she wanted to there. She exploded and accused me of not wanting to talk with her and trying to send her to some stranger. Bottom line is this, she has admitted to using drugs, and of course, husband has found empty alcohol containers in her room on several occasions and in the car. Whether she continues to drink and use I am not sure of. She always gets up and goes to work, though. Sometimes at 4 am. After going back and forth regarding therapy for the past few months, she came to me and asked about going. I am fortunate to have very good mental health insurance that after a reasonable deductible, is cost free for unlimited sessions. I am going to print the list and the rest is up to her. I realize that I can't save her. I can point her in the right direction, but I can't make her do it or do it for her. In the meantime, I wish she would help out around the house and stop leaving mess after mess. It probably sounds petty, but I come home from work after 12 hours and spend time cleaning up and collapse into bed to start all over again. Son is almost 18. Hard to believe. He was just a little guy when I first came here after daughter threatened to stab me when she was 12. It's been rough roller coaster with him too. Drugs or alcohol? I'm not sure. Probably not. He's always been irritable and mean. Diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified by a very good psychiatrist whom he HATES and I force him to see to get his medications. She's a wonderful and gentle woman with an outstanding reputation and Son hates that he has to see her and take medications. He threatens me all the time with stopping when he's 18. The very thought of him without medications as an young adult makes my heart race and I've been very straight forward with him, no medications means no living at my home. His response is that I then have to find him a place to live. Oy! He plans to attend community college. He has tried for over a year to get a part time job. I know how he looks make people hesitant to hire him. He looks much younger (about 13 or 14) and he's skinny with big glasses. I do admire that he never gives up and just keeps trying. Then, there's that horrible side he saves mostly for me. According to him, I'm crazy, a bad mother, nosy, and a loud mouth who butts into his business. Even though, I'm generally very quiet when it comes to talking about him. I've shared a few proud moments, but that's it. by the way: My difficult children can't stand each other. So, family stuff doesn't happen for us. It's too stressful and usually awful. Where is husband in all of this? Gone working mostly. He's a good dad. Daughter has begun to communicate with him more. She has always been closer to him than to me. Also, she lost her beloved grandfather when she was 14 and he was always to loving and accepting towards her. I was always the enforcer and trying to keep every thing and every one in line. He's close with Son and talks to him daily. Always spends time with Son when he's home. husband does worry about me. Our marriage is fine. We've been through Hades together. He's the only one who has witnessed the full outpouring of the pain I carry on the inside. I don't let people know how very sad my home life is. I'll see happy family pictures with smiling faces of beautiful children come across my FB newsfeed. I know that other's don't have problem-free lives, but to be able to enjoy the simple things like a picnic or a trip to a museum peacefully. when I see those pictures, I have to hide them. I'm truly happy for them, and some being my own extended family, but then I feel devastated over what I never got to experience as a mother or even a child myself. Healthy family bonds and family simply doing things together and enjoying each other's company. My goodness, what IS that like? Truth is, I'll never know.