My sister in law is a witch & between everything else in my life-I'm at my breaking point.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Signorina, Mar 22, 2012.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am estranged from my 20yo difficult child who is using drugs. My heart is broken and I miss him and my life is a bit of a mess because of it. My brother's wife (sister in law) knows all this...

    A big contributor to my son's issues is his 19 yo, long term girlfriend who is supporting him (financially, emotionally - enabling him) and who difficult child is likely living with. My 50 yo sister in law has met her a handful of times at my home long before things were estranged. They are friends on FB. My sister in law "likes" or comments on difficult child's girlfriend's page at least 2-3 times a week. Back in October, I asked her to cool her friendship with the girlfriend because it was complicating things. Her response was to post some more. I then contacted my brother directly and explained why we needed to just let things lie with difficult child's girlfriend. There are valid reasons which I won't go into here to keep this short. So she cooled it for a while & gradually started posting on difficult child's girlfriend's wall & commenting on her pictures, etc. Please know that I have no contact with my son or his girlfriend -mostly because H & I are trying to detach. His girlfriend remains my fb "friend" so when another "fb friend" (sister in law) posts to her, I see it in my news feed. Yesterday, sister in law posted yet another OTT compliment on the girlfriend's page

    So yesterday, I sent her a message asking her to please cool it. Basically I said "I have asked you to PLEASE cool your cyber friendship with difficult children girlfriend. Now I am begging you. Please. Pretty please. I know you mean no harm but it is important to me that we let things lie with difficult child & girlfriend. Please. I am begging here."

    Her response was a quick "SURE". Then she posted a status update of "PEOPLE WHO SNOOP ON FACEBOOK ARE NOT COOL". Then she defriended me which I only noticed later that night when she apparently changed her mind and sent me a friend request. I accepted it this morning. Guess what? She has since defriended me again. All in the space of less than 24 hours. Of course, she has not defriended my difficult child's girlfriend.

    I know I should let it roll off my back, but I can't. I am hurt and I am crying and I am home alone and I really don't know what I did to deserve this. We've been SILs for 25 years and yes she is a PITA, but I've always been good to her and her kids and vice versa. Last week I drove 160 miles round trip to watch her son perform at a comedy club! Maybe she doesn't like my request to cool it...but what's the big deal? Drop the cyber friendship. I wouldn't dream of "friending" her kids friends on FB. Can't she at least give me the benefit of the doubt? I just don't understand how she can be so callous when she knows how difficult things have been for me lately and I am a mess right now.

    H took the pcs to a ball game and my brother is actually visiting my mom right now so I can't call her and cry on her shoulder. My bff will just get furious on my behalf and that won't bring me any comfort. CD, I am here crying on your shoulders.

    I've been in touch with my brother to let him know I don't want trouble, I've given him some background on our issues with difficult child so he knows I didn't ask lightly. It's further complicated by the fact that we work together in a family business and technically my brother ranks higher on the totem pole than I. We seem to be OK for now, but sister in law is one of those types who likes to stir things up and I am sure she will go to work on him. been there done that
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I was going to suggest you unsubscribe or block her (which ever would not be as blatent as an "unfriend" which is just hostile.) But she beat me to it..... You dont need to see her posts anyway. What she did was hurtful but I think you will be better off without her posts showing up.

    sorry she is so insensitive. Really immature.
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    She defreinded me again - so I won't see her posts. I just don't understand why her desire to be in contact with my difficult child's girlfriend is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than her relationship with me. I can't imagine taking such a strong stand on something so seemingly inconsequential. And I realize it's likely the last straw in everything else going on in my life - but I just can't stop sobbing.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    What she is doing is very hurtful and no reflection on you at all. She is being a jerk because even if she is clueless, you have specifically asked her to stay out of something that is affecting your parenting and she is disrespecting you and your husband. It makes no sense and I know you are in a place where this doesn't help much but this is all about her and her ugly attitude. Maybe if as you say this is the tip of the iceberg, it is time to cry? Can you let yourself go and allow the tears to come? We are here for can keep venting and crying all night or even week if you need to. HUGS Sig, you have a right to cry.....I would be bawling too and I honestly believe it helps.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Hi there and huge hugs to start off the evening. I am sorry you are hurting from a betrayal of this magnitude. It seems such a small thing that means so much to you could be respected by someone that you've known a life-time. My thought reading over the entire story told here as an outsider is why would this relationship be so all fired important to her, in her mind to maintain? What's the link? Where is the loyalty to that person over you and she, and twenty-five years? My suspicions would have to err on the side of a long history of jealousy on her side that she doesn't care to share with you or perhaps there have been more times your son has gone to her in confidence that she cares to admit to you in truth, and the difficult child girlfriend is part of that scenario as well. You asking her NOT to be part of their lives would then be like ME telling you NOT to be friends with someone you are friends with. She can't possibly betray their trust in telling you she's mixed up in the helping out of their problems (perhaps lending them money, giving them food, a ride, advice) so she keeps tabs on them, but from a slight distance trying to balance out her relationship with you, and them. When you tell her to keep out of their relationship? Maybe it perturbs her because in HER mind - SHE is trying to bring unification to YOUR family (do you a favor) and there you are telling her WHAT to do. (Guessing - guessing) That is after all HER nephew and maybe through the girlfriend this is how she keeps tabs on him.

    Is that right? NO. Is it butting in to family business? Absolutely. Does she believe she is helping? Sure she does. She doesn't have a kid like him, so to her this is helping, and she can't possibly believe what you're trying to accomplish is right. SHE has never had to go through it. Those that haven't - have no clue. She like most people who are enablers see it as cruel, callous, mean spirited, to her - she's a HERO and possibly she gets a little jolt of heroism out of "saving" them - when or if she's doing things for them don't you imagine they are stroking her EGO a bunch? Don't you think this could happen and if that's the case? It would explain why she got so angry with YOU - I mean after all there she is trying to HELP YOUR KID....and you're being VERY ungrateful telling her what to do. (Snooping around) behind her back - (Well that's not too hard to believe because I don't get FB at all) and saw a picture posted to my account today, went ballistic and then found out someone shared a picture with me - ROFL - talk about paranoid) SO....I can see if that's what she's been doing - and a bit of it - is guilt. She IS DOING what she wants to and NOT what you ASKED her to do - and he's STILL not off drugs, STILL not treating YOU with respect but she can't see that because.....she may be funding him and for that he WOULD polish her apples. See what I mean - so while he would treat HER with respect - she just can't for the life of her figure out why he does't do the same for you because obviously at one time YOU did give him money. Make a little sense?

    I'm only guessing at one of a million scenarios - but to me? It makes sense. That could be why she took such a stand like that - Her guilt x by HER thoughts on her GIGANTIC contribution to YOUR family of HER help. I mean GOSH you've got SOME nerve SIg......

    Another thought occurs to me that if she is just a control freak? This could be her trying to show you that you WILL NOT TELL HER - WHO she can and can't friend or be friends with. Some people are like that. WE (meaning people like us on the board) GET the importance of DO NOT INTERFERE with my parenting. DO NOT feed the bears logic. But you know there is always that one idiot every year in Yellowstone that gets out of his car with a camera and has a candybar, waves it around and SHAZAM - can't for the life of him figure out why the Mother bear attacked him - She looked so tame -with those three cubs. And she handed him his head with one swat. The signs are there for a reason DO NOT FEED THE BEARS, DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR CAR....DO NOT ENABLE MY DRUG BUYING SON......oh wait that one isn't in Yellowstone but probably should be or maybe it should be on YOUR facebook page.

    The other thing that I CAN certainly feel right now is betrayal from someone I hardly knew, but trusted, and stabbed me in the back and it cost me my job. Betrayal is never enjoyable. Makes you feel like someone pulled a rug out from under you. I think I would stop after I've had a good cry - because crying is therapeutic, and I'd go to her face to face, and I'd read what you wrote to us, and I'd confront her. Id tell her WHY you were ASKING her not to contact the girl - not because it's a control thing - but because you want to HELP your son and this is the way it HAS to be because .....I'd tell her you did not SNOOP on Face place and explain that too - she probably doesn't understand how that works either. Id' tell her that AT THE LEAST statement you made. And then I'd tell her if she wants to continue to NOT friend you - that is on her - but you have a job to do as a Mother, and if your son has to have a chance it has to be this way - end of story. I'd tell her that you've had 25 years as love her or whatever - and you still want to be friends (or whatever) and now that ball is in her court, and I'd leave. I wouldn't keep on about any of it, I wouldn't argue - I'd stick to facts, keep emotion out of it - and lay it in her lap. But I would NOT let this fester for any longer than a few days thought - because it's not healthy for you.

    Just my two cents.
    And anytime you need to talk - I am here. I'm a bit howd they say it YUMMPY (actually I think I'm gamey - trying to save on the water bill) lol......
    Hugs & Love
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just want to send some gentle hugs your way and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Thanks Star. Your kind words mean a lot to me.

    I think it's definitely the control freak and definitely not that she has some "secret-enabling" relationship with my son or his girlfriend. She lives in another state and they are not even in touch outside of fb AFAIK. And this is my brother's wife - she's a stay at home mom with college kids and my brother would know (and not be happy) if she were sending my son money. Plus she doesn't part with a buck easily. And she's not in touch with my son on FB -just his d@mn girlfriend. "Oh you look so pretty," "I love your pedicure" "cute dogs", "happy nat'l muffin day", "pretty snow" ... that kinda **** nearly everyday. Of course they may be in touch behind the scenes - that wouldn't surprise me - which is why I wouldn't go into great detail with her about the reasons for wanting her to let things lie with his girlfriend. Just cool it - not end it - just LET THINGS LIE.

    My son is hanging out with a BAD influence who is encouraging him to abuse drugs and alcohol and HER NAME IS girlfriend. In a weak moment, my son cried in his dad's arms and told his dad that girlfriend was trapping him in "stupid college town" where he is miserable. And sister in law kisses up to and wants to be a friend of girlfriend's???? How dare she? My son has a problem and girlfriend is a contributing part of it. "Happy National Muffin Day" -my rear end!

    Thanks for helping me work on changing my sobs into fury. I've been in touch with my brother - I am doing my best not to let this tank my relationship with him. I really don't care about his wife. She's shown her stripes in true color now (I've had hints before) and I won't forget it.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is this the first you have told your brother about her interference? If so then let's see what his reaction is. If you have spoken to him about it before then there is no excuse for either of them. Your sister in law has a big problem and you don't need her in your life, but your brother should ask her to stop and he should communicate that to you. I don't know how it could not interfere with your work relationship unless he takes a stand against her continuing this childish behavior.

    I'm so sorry you have to b subjected to this in the middle of everything else.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ya know this just sucks eggs. There is no reason I can see for her to even want to contact her! That would be like me contacting Jamie's work colleagues' wives and facebooking them. No way. I did talk to one of his fellow officers on the phone one time about her son who is a difficult child but that certainly wasnt on FB. I think Jamie would think I had lost my marbles.

    Now I do have to admit that some people came out of the woodwork when my dad died and contacted me on FB. Jamie's exwife sent condolences. I never thought I would have heard from her. She had met him and I guess she read about it on Jamie's page so she got to my page from his. I thought that was nice of her.

    sister in law really should understand if she has kids that sometimes you have to go to tough love. Her kids may not have given her that opportunity yet but it doesnt mean that they never will. Or it could be her grand kids. Never say never or it will bite you in the butt.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I really do understand you pain and sure wish I had a solution. Furthermore I don't fully get how FB works and so I don't even know if you can fix it so you can only read your difficult child's posts to save the irritation of his girlfriend and your sister in law's communication.

    This, however, I do know. It's time for you to utilize the Serenity Prayer. Really you have got to accept the things you can not change (sister in law and girlfriend). change the things you can (YOU) and sort through the differences. You are draining your emotions on the lost cause of sister in law having an awakening. It's just not going to happen....for whatever reason.

    I continue to send caring thoughts and prayers your way. Do focus on you so you retain the strength you need to survive these difficult times. Hugs. DDD
  11. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    DDD - wise words...thanks.

    Thank you to everyone - I am still upset and I realize that her witchiness is just the catalyst for the big cry ... and for the life of me - I will never understand people who choose to take offense and create drama out of innocuous situations. It's like 8th grade all over again; and I didn't have the patience for it then and I don't now...

    as my bff's dad used to say..."when you happen upon "poop" in the road of life, don't kick it."

    I will take those words to heart today and try to pull myself together.

    I appreciate your kind words and support more than I can say. So many times I have turned here when I felt I had nowhere else to go and you all are a blessing in my life.

  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Don't kick a fresh turd on a hot day. Not that kicking a fresh turd on a cold day helps your shoes any less. I think it's just something about the heat. This is why I'm back to being a loaner and will probably remain one till the day I die. Every time I stick my hand out to shake it and say "Why yes I'd like to be friends" I get a knife in my back while I'm doing so.

    You don't owe your sister in law a thing. However - I really would tell her how you feel, and then shut the door on the entire matter. I wouldn't let her inadequacies make my life 'fester' one iota. Think about what you would say to her if you could say everything you wanted to without her retorts - write it out - take the emotion out of it - rewrite it - stick to fact - then have at it. Concise, clear, and meaningful, well thought out words, without a retort from her then just walk away.

    Don't stuff this anger or hurt. It's not healthy.