Need advice QUICK!

Stacy G.

New Member
I'm sitting in the parking lot at daughter's gym, VERY slow connection so hopefully I can get this in before it fizzles out on me again. :crazy:

Ok. So here's the situation. If y'all remember I had unruly child charges filed on difficult child, he's been on probation & just got of off house arrest less than 2 weeks ago. He's been adhearing to his 7pm curfew since then.

Well, he had an appointment with his probation officer this coming Tuesday but I moved it to today so that he wouldn't miss his drug class he's been going to on Tuesday's. Adam did not know this until today when husband picked him up from school. husband took him straight to the PO's office from school & I met them there.

PO talked to Adam about how he was doing & he said fine except he could still get mouthy with us, he actually admitted this! :shocked: husband asked the PO if they were going to give Adam a drug test & she said no, probably next time. She then looked up at us & said unless y'all want me to, I shook my head yes. I don't know, I just had an uneasy feeling. This past Tuesday daughter had a softball game & when we got home Adam was acting a little odd, he wouldn't talk to me & actually seemed to be avoiding me. I called him on it too, just flat out asked him "Are you avoiding me?". Of course he said no. I didn't like the way he was acting so I told husband to watch & pay attention when Adam got out of the shower (I've often told husband that the kids could set his chair on fire while he was watching tv & he wouldn't notice until the fire trucks showed up :crazy: ) . husband said he was acting a little off too, didn't come & sit & watch tv with- husband after the shower, just went straight to bed.

Anyway, to get to the point. Adam failed his drug test. When they told us I know that my heart had to be beating 500 miles an hour, I was devasted but sadly not real surprised. Well, I say that but I think part of me was surprised & part of me wasn't, does that make sense?

Adam claims he smoked about 3 weeks ago, I don't believe him. I think he had done it Tuesday when he was acting odd. Adam is a little guy, he's around 5'7" & may weigh 115 pounds, if that. Very skinny. If he did it the one time 3 weeks ago I don't think that he would have failed it today, plus they gave him one at his drug classes 2 weeks ago that he passed. And let me tell you, his urine was so clear it almost looked like water, don't know what's up with that. I asked him did he get hold of something to try to pass the drug test, of course he denied.

So, to make a long story even longer. :laugh: They took him to juvenile. :frown: He will be there over the weekend & has a hearing Monday morning. A woman from RYDC (juvenile) just called & left a message on my voice mail telling me of the visitation hours for tomorrow. Should we go see him? I'm confused because I want to make sure we send him the right message. My brother gave me the advice to NOT ever appologize to Adam for this, to make sure that he know's that ADAM is the one that got him in this situation, not us. But, again, I'm unsure of what we should do about visiting him. I want to do what's best for Adam. Visit him to let him know that we love him & will always be there for him or not visit him to show him if he doesn't change this will be his life from now on?

I'm very confused right now & there are about 8 million thoughts going through my head so if I'm not making much sense I truly appologize. I just thought I could get input from people that understand & have been there so I came straight here.

Thanks in advance & if I don't reply right away it's probably this funky wireless gym connection. :crazy:

Signed - Dazed & Confused who is trying very hard to not blame herself for her son being in juvenile & praying that no one hurts him. :sad:

saving grace

New Member
Stacy, I am not usually very good with dispensing advice, I usually just stick my 2cents in here and there so I apologize If I dont have much to offer.
I know the feeling that your feeling right now, I have been there. My first instinct would be to wait, just wait until tomorrow and then make a decision, you dont have to make it now. Your thoughts are going crazy and you cant think straight.
Is he only there for the weekend? I am not familiar with his case. If it is only for the weekend I would NOT visit him. If he is to be away longer I would wait a few days then go, give him time to think as well. If you rush to him now and let him know that all is well he wont have that I messed up big time feeling, he wont feel the pain of knowing he disappointed you. Make him sweat for a day or so.

Thats my 2cents



New Member
First of all, don't blame yourself for this. He did it to himself. You did nothing to him. This was his consequence for his actions. I would go visit him, but not to apologize. Just to let him know you're there. This was his choice, his consequence.


New Member
Hi Stacy ... you did the right thing. Sleep on it tonight and decide tomorrow if you think you should visit. Everything is clearer in the morning and you've had a tough day.
Hang in there,


Active Member
sigh, he has to learn that he has rules. better to learn them now than when in adult prison. he will be safe.
ant was in many a juvie place and survived.

wait til you are rested then decide.
if you do go, tell him you wish he would make better choices as it is hard to watch.


Well-Known Member
Ditto. It will be easier to decide after the ideas settled down
in your head. I opted to visit Juvie and don't regret that decision. on the other hand, it is important to let him absorb his own responsibility. Sad to say, the truth of the matter is that you
will always love him but you will not be able to make choices
for him in the future anymore than you were able to this month.

Try to get some rest. Sending supportive hugs your way. DDD


New Member
I would go visit him to let him know you love him with all your heart, and you will be there for him when he's ready to make the right choices with his life. If he starts blaming you, just remind him you didn't make him smoke pot, he chose that on his own. Don't get into a battle. keep it simple!!!

Stacy G.

New Member
Thanks y'all. :smile: We decided to go see him. I told husband that I know I'm going to cry when I see him sitting there, I'm trying to figure out how not to. Ugh, makes me crazy that I'm so emotional at times. :hammer:

Ok. Gotta get ready to go. Thanks again. :flower:

I am tired.


Active Member
hey stacy, it is ok to let them see your pain. have a good visit. expect him to be mad at you and want you to rescue him. be firm


Active Member
This is always such a stressful and emotional time. I think the hardest part is the "emotion" issue. If there's a way to build a box around yourselves and say something like you do love him and always will, but this behavior is not acceptable. If this behavior continues then the consequences will be all yours.

Sending cyber support and strength.