Need all the help I can get.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Aug 28, 2010.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know the power of the board is great so I am asking for all the good thoughts and prayers you can give. My difficult child has been in rehab for 28 days. She tried to leave today with a 26 year old man who left rehab recently and was there for cocaine, She revoked her consent to talk to us so all they could tell us was that she was leaving. Fortunately one of the counselors told this guy (and his friends who came with him) to leave their property and they were able to convince difficult child to call us.

    After several calls back and forth she agreed to stay until tomorrow for our family counseling session. She wants to leave and she doesn't want to come home so I don't think tomorrow will go well. She claims she is going to go live with this guy.

    I can't stop crying and I don't know what to do. Please think about us tomorrow.
  2. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Oh, Nancy I'm so sorry! I hate that helpless feeling. We love these kids so much, yet bad influences have so much more power over them than we who care for them. The world has been turned upside down. Remember reading books like Jane Eyre and thinking that a good family was all she needed to protect her from evil? I do, I remember that I felt like an orphan and wouldn't a loving, extended family please come and save me? Laws are sheltering the wrong people now and we parents are powerless. Your daughter has internal struggles that are made worse by enablers who somehow avoid getting caught. It makes me want to vomit.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, Nancy. I pray that tomorrow goes well and that she sees the need to stay where she is. Hang in there.
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I am so sorry. I am sending tons of prayers to your difficult child and to you. I am not dealing with the rehab angle, but I AM dealing with the irrational stuff with guys. My daughter moved out to "live" with a guy - a real loser - she'd met online and had known for less than a week. It's SO hard to try and talk sense to a difficult child and I can only imagine with the pain, the tears and the despair you are feeling with the added stress of rehab.

    I pray from some clarity on her part between now and through your session tomorow. I am so glad they were able to convice her to stay.

    From one mother's heart to another....hugs...

  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Nancy, I'm so sorry. I hope the counselors will be able to continue to exert a stabilizing influence on your daughter over the next day, and that tomorrow's session will go well. Sending lots of positive thoughts, prayers, and cyber-hugs.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Nancy, I'm so sorry. Many hugs and prayers for you.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Nancy. I hope that she will come to a better decision.
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I know your heart is heavy and your fear is great. The alcohol and drugs are out of her system but she still makes dangerous choices.
    Her distorted thinking continues. I hope they can convince her to stay.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nancy, I'm so sorry. I remember that fear well. I hope today had some good results and that you will check in soon.

  10. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hi Nancy, just thinking of you and hoping today went well.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She stayed. But she had to write her counselor a letter telling her why she should be allowed to stay and then read it at group tomorrow. The counselor will call us today to let us know if they will allow her to stay another 30 days. She has broken just about every rule int heir book including stealing four bracelets from their gift shop that are hand made by former patients. It was a long and emotional day yesterday and we all did a lot of crying. Later last night she called a friend from back home (her one good friend left) and told her she knew she had to stay there to get well and asked her to bring her a journal so she could write down her thoughts and feelings.

    husband and I left for our long ride home completely exhausted and emotionally drained, and not with a lot of hope, but she is there for today.

    Thank you for all your good thoughts.

  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh, my heart hung heavy when I read this. I can not imagine the heaviness in yours.

    I am glad she decided to stay, but the constant turmoil she deals with inside her own mind must be exhausting - for all of you.

  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh Nancy I'm so sorry. Praying big time this winds up working out for her. Praying hard for you because I know how heartbreaking and hard this road is to travel. I'm glad she decided to stay and I hope she starts working the program the right way.

    Many many warm heartfelt ((((((hugs))))))
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Nancy, glad she stayed. Sorry things are so uncertain. When our difficult child's lives are so unstabe it is hard to keep our own in balance. Try to relax and renew yourself. It isn't all about her. HUGS -RM
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Still sending supportive thoughts and prayers. I know how hard it is to travel the road you're on. Hugs. DDD
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    HUGS, Nancy. And I've got you in my prayers.
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    One day at a time. At least she's there for now. I hope she'll settle down and work the program. Hugs to you and do take some time
    for yourself.
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad she stayed. What an exhausting day!
  19. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I'm glad she decided to stay. That is a good, adult decision and maybe it will be the basis upon which other, good adult decisions will be made.

    I hope the facility allows her to stay.
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think the fact that someone at that facility was able to reach her and allow her to make her own decision to stay is saying good things about this place AND your daughters frame of mind. I mean a month ago she wouldnt' have been sober enough to make that kind of decision for herself so this is a good thing. Having to talk about it in front of a group? That's got to be pretty soul sharing for her. One thing I have learned with Dude over the years in therapy (for me) was that the things that he did that nearly tore me apart, and literally almost killed me weren't directed at me. Give me a second to try and help you, because at this point I'm more worried about you dear than her.

    See....(pauses and smiles - pats hand) YOU and I, and everyone here love our kids - that's a given. We dislike them to the point of near hatred and sometimes just wish them away to some desolate island or alternate dimension where they behave or never have problems. Oh what a plane of existance that would be huh? (exhale just thinking about it, I do) You know the place; the one in your mind where they're safe, they grow up and make minor bad decisions. Not a near Beaver Cleaver life, but nothing like the one they've put themselves through. Then you re-read the last sentence I wrote after the word but - and...did you get it? Nothing like the one THEY have put THEMSELVES through. It's been one of the hardest things in my life to separate Dudes choices from my parenting abilities. I continually saw one as the other and of course the outcome of those decisions a direct effect on MY life, MY heart, MY psyche. Mostly MY - whatever I allowed it to bother. Until one day I realized that WE HAD separate lives. Didn't mean I wasn't his Mom anymore. Didn't mean I didn't love him anymore. Didn't mean that I didn't hurt when HE hurt anymore, or was less of a parent for doing so, or would be less of a person or detach to the point of not caring, or him thinking I wasn't there for him. It just meant I gave him permission to grow up any way he was fit. Permission to screw it all up despite MY thoughts on "I think if I stayed in your life you would be, you could do, you would go."

    I talk about the death of a dream a lot here, being so hard for me. I sarcastically joke that I don't have any dreams left - that's not accurate at all. Matter of fact since I have let go? I have a whole new set of dreams for myself regarding my son. Has he made some REALLY, REALLY (can I put to the 10th power here?) bad decisions for himself? Has he nearly died? Yes. Twice in six months - three times if you count fist fighting with the Daddy Disney. Am I ready to loose another son? No - would I do anything to save him? Yes. Should I? Well, see that's the question I had to ask myself. Ultimately the answer was no. Many would disagree - but the outcome would be the same regardless if I'm dead or not. If he's determined to die - he's going to do it whether I'm here or not. My obligation to myself and my family is to take care of myself. Sounds very vein and selfish, but it is not. It's actually the best thing you can do for them. It sets an example for them, that you SHOULD always take care of yourself, you should not allow someone elses stress and problems to take over your life, that their problems are best worked out on their own; as are yours with family support and love.

    The worry that you are putting yourself through over this child? I'm worried as your friend for you. YOU need to take a minute and worry about Nancy. My niece is in a place where she is either going to GET HELP or Check herslf out. If she WANTS help? She's going to stay. SHE has to want it. You know this. Worrying yourself sick about it isnt' going to help YOU or HER. If she checks herself out then you need to come to terms with that possibility now in your mind and realize that it is HER life, HER future, HER choice, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. Yes you love her, YES you wish the best for her, YES you are her Mom and you did a FANTASTIC job raising her!!!! Give yourself some credit woman!!!!!!!!! I do. You've been a wonderful friend - a fantastic wife - a loyal......very loyal Browns fan.......;) it's time you let difficult child be on her own in her own mind, in her own thoughts, actions, deeds, abilities, trials. Remember you raised a smart kid - Let her show you. Let her show herself. I think she just did. I'm VERY PROUD OF HER.

    WHhhhhhoooo HOooooooo FOR HER!!!! Now how about some WoooooooooooHOOOOOOOO for our Nancy!