Need help, advise. Sibling abuse

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Sparrowmonkey, Oct 18, 2017.

  1. Sparrowmonkey

    Sparrowmonkey New Member

    So we found out inappropriate things have been going on in our house. I'm heart broken, confused, scared. Totally not prepared to deal with this. It all came out when my oldest confided in a friend, who told her mom, who told me. He admitted everything, and said he's glad we know. He just turned 17. 2 of the other kids involved (11 and 9 ) told us some things, the 3rd, 13, claims nothing ever happened. My 11 year old said it started with the 13 year old getting told things by a friend and wanting to try it. I'm not sure if porn was seen (I know the 13 year old has seen some, we completely got rid of Wi-Fi 2 years ago! This was so not on my radar!). The younger two said bribery was used by my son. This appearently has happened over the past couple years. I never would have imagined since they get along with one another, except for the 13 and 17 year olds who tend to avoid one another...
    This has been reported, almost a month ago. Nothing has happened. My 3 girls were interviewed. I was given referrals for counseling. There was an officer assigned to my son's case but we haven't heard from him since my husband told him, so my son needs a lawyer? My son has not been interviewed. I thought it would be deceitful to interview him, then arrest him since he's clearly ready to talk and get help. The officer kept telling me he isn't a minor and in NY 16 year olds are charged as adults for this. I want help for my son (and some kind of punishment), but I do not think incarcerating him with adults is going to help him at all.
    My husband is worried if we seek counseling for any of them it will all be used against my son. I think we need to do something but I've no idea who to speak to.
    Not sure if the police are going to show up soon, or what. CPS doesn't get involved unless someone over 18 was aware of abuse and did nothing. The kids are no longer left alone together. I don't even shower unless my husband is home. We have also been reading and talking about a lot of personal safety, your body is yours, and some secrets are bad etc. We have 4 other children in the home.
    I was told for counseling my son would have to do an assessment ($850!) before our insurance would cover anything for him.
    I'm looking for advice, thoughts, prayers, help. We haven't told anyone. The family of the friend my son confided in has broken all contact with us.
     
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Is it your 17 year old who is accused of these acts?

    Situations like this tend to be very hard on the entire family, even those who were not directly affected by the abuse. I understand your H wanting to protect your son (the alleged perpetrator), but the other kids, his victims or possible eyewitnesses, also need love, protection and support. It is extremely difficult.

    Is there any way to separate the alleged perpetrator from his siblings for the time being?

    Breathe deeply and take one small step at a time. We are here for you.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This happened in our home but it was handled quite differently. The child was a boy we adopted at 11 and his victims were 3 and 5.

    Yes, your other children are victims, need the help as much as him and this is in no way normal. It is sexual predator behavior and I am surprised your son was not removed, but all states are differrent.

    For us this went on for three years and the babies were too scared of him to tell and, yes, we had the talks about good and bad touching. We called CPS the day we found out, they removed him, then they put him in a lock down facility for young sexual predators. He was also charged by the county with first degree sexual assault of a minor. This was the crime since the kids were six years younger than him. It wasnt our idea, it was theirs. They found him guilty and at 13 he was on the sexual predator list. I am not trying to scare you. This is just how it went.

    I feel the victims are the ones who suffered the most. We never let the boy come back and focused on the mental health of our young kids...CPS offered us amazing, free services and the kids are adults now and doing great. Thank you, CPS.

    This was our fifth adopted child, our oldest. Most kids molest because they were molested. Many block out the molestation. Watching porn doesnt cause one to molest siblings.Its sad, but if is very iffy to cure. You never will know if the person is cured. I hear its rare. Your son is almost a man. No matter why he did this, he is not safe to any children. I would never allow him near the other kids alone and would make everyone lock their doors at night. Personally i would be afraid to have him at home. You could lose your other kids if he is there.

    I know you are terrified for your son. You need to be equally as scared for the ones he hurt or they could grow up with huge problems. They ALL need abuse therapy and you may need family counseling. Even if your son gets a good lawyer and somehow gets minimal sentencing, your other kids still suffered sexual abuse and by a beloved brother!! This is a huge trauma. It would be a big mistake to pretend that they will be okay. Please have everyone get treatment before the family blows up. The kids know what their brother did to them. It wont go away. Ever. Until it is addressed and the cycle is done. It must be dealt with on every level. With every person. It is very serious to all. Trust me, your son at his age is already in big trouble and helping your other kids is the only way to make sure they are not all damaged too. Please do help them. Your son is not the only one who needs help. He knows darn well what he did was wrong and did not tell you about his urges before he acted upon them nor did or could he stop himself. He confessed after getting caught only. Get him help, sure. BUT help your other kids or I promise you...you will regret it. Please. For all your sakes.

    Hugs, love and prayers.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2017
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sparrow

    I have no experience with this but glad that you found us. I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know it's a nightmare for you.

    We are all here to support you and we do not judge.

    Keep us posted.
    :group-hug:
     
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Sparrow

    I am truly sorry you are going through this. I am not familiar with your laws and wonder if there’s Isn’t a local crisis line that may be able to guide you through a process of getting the help you require for all of the family.

    This is not easy stuff but you are not alone.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is very painful for all involved. (((((hugs))))) Please know that no one here will judge you or condemn you.

    There are more supports out there than you have found. You can go to your local domestic violence center for help. Yes, this is covered under that and usually services are free, especially to children. They should have people trained to deal with children. I always suggest a parent check things out and make sure that you are comfortable with the therapist(s) first before you introduce them to your children. There are good and bad therapists out there as in any field. Always listen to your instincts and if they say a therapist isn't right for your child or family, go find a different one. Always. Those instincts are there to protect you and your children.

    Another resource to help find community resources is RAINN. It is www.rainn.org . It is a nationwide resource to help you find counselors to deal with sexual abuse in your area. Some of these resources are free. They also have a large online presence. Much of what they offer is confidential.

    You can also check with nearby universities to see if they have counseling programs. Usually if a university has a psychology department, they have a counseling program that offers low cost or sliding scale services to the public. Often you get graduate students doing the counseling under the supervision of a professor. Generally the students work hard to be very good because they know their work can be reviewed and graded, so they want to be very professional and do the best job they can. In my community this is one of the best counseling programs offered, far better than many of the private counselors out there.

    Also be aware that many therapists offer sliding scale fee structures but don't advertise it. You can ask for it when you contact them. The worst they can do is say no.

    I would urge you to seek out a criminal defense attorney for your son. Ask the attorney what you should do and what his legal options are at this point. From this point on, always have an attorney present when you or your son is speaking with the police. This is for his protection. The stakes in this are incredibly serious.
     
  7. Tenshired

    Tenshired New Member

    Dealing with this is well my 12 year old attempted to molest my 9 year old step daughter last December. We contact a DCS the police and waited. They took forever investigated it and didn't really do anything. My husband threatened to leave unless I got my son help. He's in a treatment facility in my town has been there since February while he's been in the facility I found out that my 19 and 17 year old son molested and raped my 12 year old and my 14 year old daughter many times when they were younger. I feel like a complete failure as a parent and just take it day by day trying to get help for everyone involved and hope and pray that my son can recover from everything and accept the treatment and come home at some point