need help from anyone who has gotten a restraining order against a difficult child.

[peg2]

Hi,
It has been over 2 years since I had to get the restraining order on difficult child; he turned 22 May 15 also! He had been in touch with my oldest son but not for quite some time. My son text messages him but no replies from difficult child. I am worried and want to continue to try and reconcile, by inviting him to my therapy sessions,etc. or to at least have contact with my oldest. I am devastated by this; the other day I drove down the street where I last knew he was living at but couldn't find the house number, came back and white page searched it and there is such a number, guess I didn't see it. What was I going to do anyway, probably nothing, but..... I also sent an anonymous letter to that same address asking him to call his brother, no return address,etc. due to the restraining order. He won't "friend" my oldest on Facebook so I need to know how my son can try and contact him. We want him to get himself together and at least try and figure this out but I guess he feels he doesn't have a mother because I got the order of protection, but I had to; I had no choice. Anyway, I can't really live like this and need some suggestions.
Oh, by the way, I have been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer, had surgery and will begin treatment soon. Why do we get so much to deal with???

 

[toughlovin]

Peg,

Laws on protection order vary by state. I suggest you call the local domestic violence agency and ask them what your options are. I know where I live there are several options on ROs so that you can have an order for someone to not abuse you and to stay away from your residence but still allow you to have contact... and sometimes judges will allow only phone contact. So if you lived here an option would be to modify your order to allow phone contact.... so call your local domestic violence agency or hotline and ask them, they should know about ROs in your area.

TL

 

[peg2]

I guess what I was really asking was how could my other son try and get a hold of him since he doesn't have the RO. He is not answering cell phone calls and doesn't respond to my older son. He is disgusted with the whole family, apparently. Take me out of the mix, I know technically I can't have contact but once, awhile ago, he met me at my therapists appointment. I guess what I want to know is, how can my son try and find him? Go with a detective agency or something?
Thanks

 

[peg2]

I didn't make myself clear, I guess!! I still need the RO and don't want it changed, I don' t want any kind of contact. I want my son to be able to reach him and he is either ignoring him or changed his number. It's too hard for me and I still want to continue to try and reconcile and get him to see he needs help.
thanks

 

[dashcat]

Peg,
iI'm not sure I undersand...you want to keep the RO in place, but you want to reconcile? I admit I don't know much about RO's, but I thought they meant absolutely no contact, which would rule out his attending therapy with you. I know this must be very difficult for you.
Dash

 

[1905]

I had a RO out on my son. The only way for you to contact him at all is if you go get it dropped. If you don't want to do that, I know you don't, then there is nothing to be done. I wish I had something better to tell you. He has a way to contact his brother, if he chooses to do that. Let him be, let him be angry, let him get his act together. This RO is the best way you know to help him. My difficult child had some growing up to do and he couldn't and wouldn't with us a presence in his life. It was tough. But not very tough, because we had to protect ourselves as well. He's our son and we always love him as much as any parent can love anyone, although I'm sure he didn't think so at the time. Wait, you'll see, he will get his life together, hopefully, right? You're doing the best you can. You want to keep it in place. It'll take time for your relationship to mend. Right now, you need to take of yourself. I had breast cancer also. I know it stinks horribly. It's a very emotional time. I wish you peace and love. Focus on your treatment. (((HUGS)))

 

[witzend]

I don't know that there's anything that you or your son can do to get back in contact with your difficult child. difficult child knows that your son is trying to contact him, and if he is resisting it's probably best to leave it there. He can respond when he's ready, but it seems hopeless to try to push it.

 

[susiestar]

I don't think there is anything your son can do to force contact other than to find an address and go see him. If this is advisable? I have no clue.

I do know that for a fairly small amt of $ you can buy a ton of info including where someone has/is worked if you use one of the paid online search tools. Intellius is the name of one, I think. I have no idea how reliable they are, but I do know that they give a LOT more info than you would expect. If difficult child is homeless this may be different, but if he has an address he can probably be found with one of the paid searches. It has been a year or so, but I think they were maybe $10-$20 for one person and maybe $50 or $75 for multiple people. It could be more but if you check various people search sites you can figure out what is going on.

Your son can also send a message via fb that doesn't have to be friended to send. It is how you contact someone if you are not friends and they don't reply to a friend request. You cannot force an answer though.