Need help sorting out typical tween stuff &

[timer lady]

difficult child stuff. kt is spending the night. She's matured so much over the last month. She's discussing her sadness appropriately, being a goofy tween.

Yet I see a disturbing sexuality (very seductive) behavior. When husband & I called her on it tonight she wiggled her bottom at us & said it's what all the kids do. (Wanted to smack that little bottom, however she was asked to redo that - she then answered our question without the suggestive wiggle.)

Now I know that the media has younger & younger children acting in overly mature & sexy ways; yet this seemed over the top - provocative. Daring. Icky.

I suppose this becomes our next hurdle with kt. She needs to learn how to present herself & her body language in a way that is safe - a message that will not be interpreted in an unhealthy manner for her.

Just how concerned should I be? Is this normal for tweens or is kt taking it further than the norm?

 

[DazedandConfused]

That does seem over the top for a twelve year old. Glad you called her on it.

 

[tiredmommy]

I'd be concerned as well. This is going to sound stupid, but perhaps some old-fashioned etiquette lessons on how to present oneself may be in order.
I can't believe I just suggested that! :hammer: Only at cd.com! :rofl:

 

[Wiped Out]

I agree I'd be concerned-it doesn't seem like normal tween stuff. It's good she did redo when asked.

 

[skeeter]

while I won't say it's "normal" tween, I will say I see more and more of it.

I don't know if it's the media, the clothes, their friends, or whatever, but I KNOW I see girls (especially) dressed and acting in ways that if I had done so I would have been locked in my room until age 21!
And, by the way, since I have boys, I know that the guys really don't find it attractive at all! You can imagine the words they have for girls that do dress and act "that" way.

This is one area I'm sure you will not be alone in trying to correct! Since my stepdaughters don't have regular contact with us, I had no say so in their highschool years, but had to sit and cringe over the older one. I won't go into all the details - but she WOULD have been locked in her room until age 21, too, if I had had a say in it!!!!!

 

[Sara PA]

An act, in and of itself, isn't provocative....or at the very least shouldn't be considered provocative unless it was meant to be provocative. She could very well have been doing it because she thought it was a silly thing all the girls do at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She could have done it to be provocative. She could have done it to be silly but with the nagging knowledge that it might be considered provocative.

There are lots of actions that can be quite provocative in some situations but which aren't in many other situation. A woman licking her lips comes to mind.

I didn't see what she did, but I don't think it's unusual for kids (girls, more so as they get older) of most ages to wiggle their bottoms nor do I think it's generally a provocative behavior.

 

[hearts and roses]

At 12, yes, my daughter's did that sort of thing. As they got older they thought it really hysterical to moon me occasionally. My easy child, 19, suprised me one day while horsing around and gave me a light slap on the b.u.t.t!! I said, "uh, no honey - don't do that, it's disrespectful even if you are just kidding around". She got it.

I don't think that kt meant anything provacative by it, but if it made ANYONE feel uncomfortable then it's simply not okay. With the history she and wm experienced, I can totally see that your radar is always on HIGH for that type of behavior.

I think it was good that you called her on it, but I wouldn't make a BIG deal out of it, just keep an eye on it, especially if she was doing so well in every other area.

 

[timer lady]

I think this is exactly the problem, Jo - it's hard for me to see these types of things with-o considering kt's hx.

All I can do is call her on it; ask her to redo her response without the "attitude" & move forward.

It will be one of the lessons Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers will be working with kt on when she leaves Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

It's one of the lessons I learn on a daily basis; trusting the maturity - the absence of dissociative states & start parenting in a more "normal" way. :warrior:

 

[mstang67chic]

I sometimes see things with my difficult child that I really wonder about. With him, there was no documented sexual abuse but there were questions. His older sister had been abused and acted out towards difficult child while they were still together but no one knows for sure what happened and he denies everything. But also based on the history of what he saw in the bio home, he does have a somewhat skewed (sp?) view on sex and nudity. With him, I've just kind of kept an eye on things, corrected him when I felt he needed it and brought it up privately to his counselor if it really concerned me. husband and I also aren't shy about commenting to/around him about appropriate behavior or what people will think if you act like such and such/say this or that or what is an appropriate joke/comment to make. I know husband has also talked with him more than once about the right way to treat women and how to act towards them. Not necessarily in a corrective manner, just "those" talks that fathers have with their sons. It's not that difficult child is constantly inappropriate, I just think that when he was younger and in his birth home, he never saw good examples and after his removal from the home, I don't think anyone thought to really make it a priority to adjust his view of the world so to speak. When we got him, we discovered very quickly that we would have to do things a little differently for a while. I babysat our niece occasionally at the time and she was about 2 or 3. Even seeing her streak through the house nekkid once when she escaped the bathroom at bath time just completely, way over the top grossed him out. Now, years later, he's much better with things like that. If he happened to see a friends small child "streak" or even a diaper change, he either thinks it's (appropriately) cute or is matter of fact about it. (unless it's a "stinky" diaper of course! lol)

From what I've read about the tweedles, I'm guessing their situation was on a level way above what my difficult child's was but I understan your concern. I think a good part of how you handle things like this is just common sense. So many kids today, boys and girls alike, are so bombarded with this type of behavior that's presented to them as the "norm" that even kids without a history can be confused or influenced. Obviously, Kt is going to require a slighty different hand in her guidence through this type of thing but go with your gut. If it makes you uncomfortable, act. You and husband know her best. It's not always easy to tell what is normal for the age or what could be over the top, especially if you've never experienced the so-called normal. But, to me anyway, this situation kind of falls into the category of one to watch no matter what.

After all of this rambling, I guess what I'm trying to say is go with your gut. You know her best, her history, her unique personality as well as her own boundaries and limitations.

 

[everywoman]

Linda,
My pcdaughter, is by nature, a flirt. I think there are just women who are born with this ...well, in men we call it charisma...but I'm not sure there is a positive word for women.
When she was a tween I spent a lot of time talking about the difference between being popular and being respected. I used movie stars and pop icons as examples. For example--Brittany Spears---popular, Mandy Moore---respected. Lindsey Lohan---popular, Jennifer Aniston--respected. I also used older adolescence that she knew. She could appreciate the difference between how people views someone who was popular and someone who was respected. Whenever she was behaving in a manner that I found over the top, I would just ask if that was a behavior that would make her poplular or respectable. She soon learned the difference. But...she is still a big flirt!!!

 

[Hound dog]

Linda

The only thing I know to tell you is to go with your gut on this one. I'm speaking from both angles, the abuse hx and her age.

I know that girls younger and younger are behaving outragiously and inappropriately provacative. (personally makes me sick to my stomach) It still doesn't make the behavior right or appropriate. Behaving in such a manner can get a female into deep trouble with the opposite sex. Something no one wants for their daughters.

Now that kt is entering the teen years she's going to need tons of guidance from you, and husband as well as to what behaviors are acceptable regardless of what the other kids are doing.

Sex is an open topic in our home and can be discussed at length at any given moment. But inappropriate behavior my one of my kids got them called to the carpet immediately, and then an explaination as to why it was wrong to act that way, things it could possibly lead to ect.

It could be her hx rearing it's head with the hormones, or it could be she's just copying behavior she's seen to see if you'll let her get away with it. My point is, if you feel the behavior is inappropriate, then it is. Simple. The not so simple part is explaining it to her. lol *sigh*

This is why I think girls are sooooo much harder to raise than boys, especially once the teen years hit.

hugs

 

[timer lady]

husband & I are just going to watch kt; call her on provocative body language & explain. Hx or no hx, it will be a matter of repetition.

She is at a higher risk for all things sexual & victimization. I worry that her body language will feed into this.

Educate, redirect.......on & on.

Thanks for all your thoughts & responses. I will be watching this closely.