KeepingitTogether
New Member
Hello...This is my first time here, as I was searching the internet for information, or possible ideas, of how to deal with my 14 year old son, I came across this site. It's very interesting and I'm curious as to what feedback you might have for me. There is no way to make a long story short. So here goes. I am a stay at home Mom, with a husband who works from morning until about 7 pm. Wonderful dad. Takes great care of us. We have 4 Children 17, 14, 12, & 7. From about he age of, say, 4, I started to notice willfullness in my son that I did not in my older child. So as far as parenting is concerned through the years, he never responded well to the word no, or to the the consequence, so he defied punishment. Which made for a lot of arguing, loud voices, a lot of back and forth, etc. Over the years as he grew and he became more crafty with words, he began to belittle. Even when siblings were nice to him, he could not and can not return a compliment or carry a conversation where it does not end in him belittling. I have tried through the years to correct this by making him apologize, etc, but it is robotic. We have had hundreds upon hundreds of heartfelt conversations through the years on how words hurt. But to no avail, he uses them on anyone in his path, in the family. He has never wanted to help my husband in the garage on weekends (normal father-son activity) or just bum around in that sense, he acts more bothered bothered by those type of things. As for me, This year (9th grade), is the first year one teacher mentioned he was very laid back, but a good kid. He's not obsessed with video games and is a very good Baseball Pitcher. He's played ball for 8 years, and hopes to make the Freshman team. We always wonder, if anyone else knew how he treated his family at home, they would be appalled. It feels like "our family secret". No one would believe it if we told them. But it has been years of hell for myself and the kids. My oldest daughter has been scarred by his remarks, I just know. My 12 year old daughter is good at ignoring, and the situation with my 7 year old son is what concerns me. He has never made a "bond" with his brother that is like older brother to younger brother. He sees it more of like they are on the same level. He actually get mad at my 7 year old as if they were both the same age and he should be punished the same way. He wrestles with him as if he were wrestling with another 14 year old. It's as if he's never got the concept of the age difference. He has never and will never acknowlege that there is a certain way to treat someone who is 7 years younger than you. He just doesn't get the concept, and manipulatively uses it to say that I NEVER punish the my younger son. But quite frankly, I have since birth, been watching out for the safety of my younger son, and to this day have never left him alone with my older son. Back to Baseball, he is well liked in that circle, he is seen by others as composed, patient, controlled, and serious. He hardly goofs off, and listens well to coaches. But boy, when he gets in the car to go home, he will cut others down with his words. Again, people would be appalled. As for the dynamics between my husband and I, I am exasperated because through the years I have expected him to back me up and say, "Respect your Mom." But I actually have to tell him to say it to our son because he is sooooooooooo incredibly laid back. He never says a bad word about anyone. (Side note: my husband is well liked by everyone he comes in contact with, so my frustration with him regarding parenting no one understands) We love our family, we want to stay a family, but the wedge this has put between all of us is frighteningly becoming more obvious. Ben did start counseling about a year ago, but we only lasted about 4 months, it was clear to the counselor (who I really liked) that Ben was just telling him what he wanted to hear, and he said counseling won't work unless Ben is ready to own up to his part. Also, as far as testing, they ruled out any mental illness, and came up with only a lack of Empathy toward others, and no real diagnosis of any sort, but to tell me he's fine, but lacks Empathy. What brought me here is the fact that this weekend, when he was getting mad at his little brother and grabbing his face, I pulled his hands away....and he said, "I hate you." I'm exhausted and sad going on 10 years of all this... Any suggestions on where to go from here.......