Needs good home

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Feb 28, 2011.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Or, hell, any home at this point.

    From the time my daughter was born she was excessively needy and demanding. I remember telling my mom when she was a toddler that she could be an only child, I a stay at home mom that spent every second with her, and it still wouldn't be enough.

    I have spent the last 11 of her 16 years trying to get help for her. Fighting for her even when she refused to fight for herself. It has cost me jobs and it has cost me my health.

    And what do I get for it? Accusations of neglect, abuse...I don't deserve to be a parent, there's no food in the house (absolutely untrue - just nothing she feels like eating), the dishes are dirty (well, darling, wash one), I won't go to the store because I'm sick and she doesn't think I'm really sick, I won't teach her how to do laundry (HA! Yeah, cause I enjoy doing her laundry so much - especially when she lets me know at 11pm that she needs her clothes washed). She writes pages and pages and pages of this junk and gives it to therapist. And the latest - she's going to call children's services because I spend all my money on cigarettes and fast food. HA! Because I spend nothing on her expensive cruelty free cosmetics and hair products, and nothing for her 9 rats. (sarcasm)

    My reaction? PLEASE call them. Maybe they'll believe her and take her away.

    She is killing me. That sounds dramatic, but it's what it feels like. My health is getting worse. My flares more frequent and worse than the ones before. I've spent 11 years sacrificing everything to help this child, yet if I had done nothing all these years the end result would be the same.

    She is screaming at me. Throwing things. Slamming doors so hard she shakes the house. Hitting things. F you. F that. Etc, ad nauseum.

    And I'm done. Absolutely done. I'm not doing anything for her - so I guess she better figure out how to do laundry. I am only speaking to her when necessary.

    As horrible as it may sound to some - I don't want her anymore. I don't. I really, really don't. I want her out of my house.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Oh Heather, I am really sorry, but I don't think I could handle her. We could send her, husband and difficult child son somewhere maybe out to the desert?

    I wish she was nicer to you, and wish there was something someone would do to help her, but I think part of the problem is that at her age she has to want to help herself, and it seems she enjoys being the victim.

  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    My friend, E, asked me if she was aiming at me when she threw things. I told her that I don't think difficult child is that stupid. If she does, the police will be here. I won't hesitate. I was never safe in my home growing up or in my marriages, and I will not feel unsafe in my home ever again.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((Hugs))) I know the feeling. How much longer until she is 18?
  5. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I've lost the link to the calculator that tells you exactly how many days, but she just turned 16 four days ago.
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Found it. 727 days.
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    There's a lot of days I believe kiddo is heading in exactly the same direction and I'm ready to run away from home. *HUGS*
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gentle hugs. Wish I had more to offer. I so understand what you are saying.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Good grief - SO many hugs. She sounds just like Matt, as in exactly like him at that age.
    And I can't tell you how many days out of the year, I wished he was gone.
    He was like reasoning with a rabid dog.
    All I can say is I am sorry - and that at some point - as in 727 days - things have to get better.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry.

    Just because she isn't throwing things at you doesn't mean you are safe in your home. The stress from her tirades and gfgness truly could be destroying your health to the point that it kills you. Esp as you have a history of heart problems.

    Have you discussed any of this with YOUR doctor? Asked the doctor how much worse things have gotten healthwise in the last six months to a year? Where you are headed healthwise if things don't change a lot in the near future?

    If, as i suspect, you are getting worse at a fast rate (or even a medium rate!), then you need to do some serious thinking. What would happen to her if you suddenly collapsed or died (God forbid!)?

    Have you considered/planned for what will happen to her if you suddenly die? Maybe you could look at those plans and work something out so that she could live at least part time with someone else.

    I just know that you have not felt good in a long, long, long time. Things just seem to be getting worse with you, esp healthwise. So something has to give or esle I am afraid I will come to the board one day to find a post that says you died. I do not ever want to learn that!!!!!

    I don't have any suggestions other than first talking to your doctor and then maybe talking to social services. Do you qualify for disability or SSI? If so maybe they can help you find a situation that would be good for difficult child and provide the help and break that YOU need.

    Her rages are a type of abuse of you. Call a domestic violence center and ask them to help. Make an appointment and go ask them about how to handle this - the rages, etc... are a very nasty form of abuse. Just because it is your child doesn't mean you are not abused. The dv center may have suggestions to help you with the stress and abuse that are making your helath problems much worse.

    I am so sorry you are in such an awful situation and that it is taking a huge toll on your health. Before you say that this or that won't work, think hard about what having you collapse from the incredible stress of difficult child's tirades and behavior will do to difficult child in the long run? She may feel a lot of guilt over this later and it could take a huge toll on her. Going to the doctor, social services, the dv center, etc... for some help NOW might mean you get some real help and maybe you can prevent that.

    {{{{{gentle hugs}}}}}
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Heather, I'm so sorry she's being so awful. I can relate to your feeling that she's killing you. Have you told her that? When Miss KT was at her worst, I finally told her she'd better be making some long-term plans, 'cause her constant drama, fighting, and angst were killing me, and I spelled it out for her...I'm diabetic, which puts me at risk for heart problems, etc. Brought her up short.

    Maybe what difficult child needs is a serious wake-up call. Many, many hugs.
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Might, might not. I was a difficult child with a mom with a history of heart attacks, and as much as I regret it now, knowing it didn't change my behavior at all.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How is that disability coming along?

    I think right about now I would be asking her since she hates you and doesnt want you for a mother just where she does want to live? Would it be dearest daddy? How bout Grandma? If none of those work, maybe a foster home would be an option. Tell her point blank that you are tired of all this and the next time she goes into a tirade you are going to call someone to come get her. Most places have at least temporary shelters for kids to go to until tempers cool down.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Can't you call CPS yourself? Either cob yourself in, or ask them what you can do when your child is so abusive that it is seriously damaging your health and nothing you can do seems to help.

    It would be interesting to know how they would respond.

  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Heather - HUGS, sweetie... I understand... I wish I knew what to do. Maybe CPS would help...
  16. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Here's another vote for calling CPS...

    I did that myself a couple of years ago and it led to a 10-day hospitalization for difficult child. If I had really pushed it at that time - I might have gotten even more...

    What's the worst that could happen?

    Call them....tell them what's going on. difficult children issues, your health....ask for help - see what happens.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am only speaking to her when necessary.

    This works. Really. I have done it and continue to do it. It is a part of detachment.

    The other hard part is that, when you are not speaking to her, you are also not thinking of her. Go for walks, go out for coffee, whatever you need to do. I spend way to much time at B&N looking at and buying books. But there are worse things to do. :)

  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Terry - husband and I have always joked that we cannot become drug addicts or alcoholics because there is no money left for those things after we buy books!

    Flutter, I also vote for CPS. I doubt telling her will change her much. The diff between easy child and difficult child kids is this:

    when we learned my mother had an autoimmune liver disease and might need a liver transplant I had a talk with my bro about alcohol use. He was already an alcoholic but I was the only one who realized it. I said that we had better BOTH do all we can to keep our liver healthy because someday she will most likely need a transplant. If we are healthy then part of our liver can be removed and given to her. We will regrow that part and the part in her will also grow. He argued that it had nothing to do with alcohol (he is partly right - her cirrhosis is not alcohol related) so how much we drink doesn't matter. The fact that it would damage his liver, what he would want to donate to her, didn't matter.

    At the time I partied a little bit. I stopped for the most part because I was having too many other problems and alcohol was not good with medications. I stopped the rest of the alcohol intake because if there is a chance my mother can use my liver I want to do what I can to make sure it is in decent shape.

    He went out and stayed drunk for a week because I "upset him telling him my mother would need a transplant someday". My mom doesn't want to take a liver from either of us. Chances are her sister would be the best match, but my aunt is a raging alcoholic. Used to be if you called before 3 she was at least coherent. Now if you call after 9 am she isn't.

    Knowing she is hurting you won't stop your difficult child's behavior for long. Calling CPS for help, and/or telling her that she better think of where she wants to live because the next time she goes all difficult child on you she is oging to them might backfire. What if she chose someone you object to?

    There is likely a shelter where she could stay a few days. Cps can also arrange temporary or longer term foster care.It may actually be a good thing for her. She thinks you are so awful, I am sure the fosters won't give her fancy vegan peta shampoos and milk. She will eat what everyone else does or she will be hungry until the next meal. It would be a good lesson for her to learn.

    You NEED a break for your health. We are all very worried for you and about you. I hope you can do what is needed to get that break - even if your kids tell you you are awful,or anyone else does.

    You won't help her much if you keep her at home and have a heart attack next week or month or year. She is oging to need a mom for a long time, so taking a break now and getting healthy will ensure that she has one for a much longer time.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{gentle hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  19. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Thank you, ladies, for the support.

    I had CPS involved starting in April last year after she was hospitalized. It took them a little while to really see her in action, but they did and there really isn't anything they can do. She's not bad enough to warrant residential or anything else. They worked with me to try to find some resources, and attended IEP meetings with me, but there really wasn't much they could do. Our caseworker was great and was frustrated that she couldn't do more. They closed the case in October/November mainly because the SD was getting confused and wanting to deal with them and not me, and they didn't want the SD running roughshod over me. (Too late.) I did call her yesterday and leave a message, but I really don't know what else can be done.

    Our fiscal year for funding via MR/daughter (for PCA's and such) starts again Saturday, and we are going to put in a request for provider - looking for a very specific provider for difficult child. Even our support person at MR/daughter has been shocked and stumped by difficult child. therapist says difficult child is the worst case she's had and she's been in practice for more than 30 years.

    She asked me to help her fill out an application last night. After, I talked to her and said, point blank, "this needs to stop". We ended up talking for about 3 hours. Improvement, but I've been down this road before. Her memory is short.

    Her only concern regarding my health is...who is going to take care of me if mom dies. Emotional immaturity. Selfishness. Little of both. Lot of both. I don't know anymore.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Ever wonder if your experienced case worker and the various experienced case workers/docs/etc... who have each said that "your difficult child is the worst I have seen in my career" all got together with our difficult children in one big group (professionals and difficult children), do you think they would come up with other ideas that would help? Or just be shocked that so many "worst in 30 years" kids even exist at one time?

    I think ambulances would need to be on standby because when thepros realized how many are "that bad or worse" they would each have a heart attack!

    One reason the case worker doesn't have many options is because your difficult child has a place to live - with you. With your health, esp the previous heart attack, it is not unreasonable to think about having her spend some time in temporary foster care so that you can have a chance to heal. Asking for that may open up options and/or services. If difficult child has to go to a foster home to keep you from getting worse and for you to have a chance of not dying at a very young age, then they will give her other services. Probably push therapy, etc.... including family therapy so that the family becomes healthier. WHile you have beent hrough a lot, this might be what needs to ahppen for difficult child to wake up and realize that she is so far out of line that she is in another universe.

    I know that you don't want to do that. Don't want to think about it actually happening or about how it will impact you both. I think you may be at or very near the point wehre difficult child should be worrying about where she will live because your body simply cannot continue to function under such an enormous stress load. Esp not with all the health problems.

    You may want to discuss the foster care option with the caseworker. What options are open now? What about ifyou have a heart attack again, or a stroke? Nervous breakdown? What if you don't recover? Or don't recover enough to be able to resume custody??

    You are at the point where this needs to be considered - esp because things are getting worse instead of better.

    I am so sorry it has come to this. I wish I could do more to help.