I think the last time I posted Difficult Child had just been arrested and was begging me for bail money. I said no, he was in jail for a week and then released. He went back to living on the streets shortly before moving in with a friend and the friend's girlfriend. He's been there about a month now, maybe 6 weeks but I believe that situation has now come to an end. During that time he was staying there he wasn't in touch much. I'd only hear from him maybe once a week if that. However, the last few days he's been slowly increasing contact and texting me. Yesterday he said he had a question to ask me when I had time. I asked him what he wanted and he asked if I could buy him a bus ticket to Florida. I said, no, I don't have the money. He then texted me back later to say his friend bought the ticket and he was leaving today but could I please buy him a bicycle. Again, I said no, I don't have the money. Today came and went and he hasn't left. He just called to say he and his friend are taking the bus from the town he's living in (only 2 towns over) to our town because he's going to see his uncle before he leaves for Florida tomorrow. He then commented that he'd like to see me before he goes to Florida because "it's been at least 6 months" and "we don't make an effort to see him very often and that makes him sad." I was honest and told him that I refuse to see him like that and that's why I haven't made an effort to see him since February. I said it's beyond difficult for me to see you as a homeless person and I just can't do it anymore. I said it doesn't mean I don't love you, but that in fact it means I love you so much that seeing you in that lifestyle crushes my heart. He was actually calm when I said that and said he understands but that he's been doing much better lately and he'd really like to see me to say goodbye before he goes. I think part of that is true but I could tell he was also trying to tug at my heartstrings and manipulate me into letting him come here tonight so I simply ended the conversation at that point and said enjoy your visit with your uncle and for him to call me in the morning. If he's in the area I will stop to say goodbye to my son and bring him some sandwiches for his trip but under no circumstances is he to come to or near this house. I said it to him verbally and also text him the same thing after we hung up because I want it to be extra clear that he can not just show up here. I'm so unnerved right now. It's been a long time since I've felt like this. I feel threatened. I moved my car into the driveway and locked all the doors and windows. I haven't had to do that in a long time. I know some of you might remember a few years back when that was a CONSTANT fear of mine. Difficult Child showing up at my house. I don't think I slept in my bed for 6 months at one point because I was always on watch at night and would often fall asleep on the couch and keep guard there. I'm also very sad right now because I would like to see my son before he leaves the state. He's my son. I love him so much. It feels like someone has punched me in the gut. It's one of those nights where I will need to lock myself in the bathroom and sob and cry my eyes out because the sadness of the situation is physically hurting me. The thought of him just showing up here freaks me out but the thought of not seeing my son before he moves to another state devastates me. I'm all over the place tonight and I know sleep will not come easy. I'll be up in fear all night that he will be out there lurking around or trying to break in to the house or the cars or the shed where my husband keeps his motorcycle and expensive lawn equipment. I'll also be kept awake out of guilt for not allowing my child to sleep under my roof for one night before he leaves to start his new life in a new state where he knows no one. It's truly a no win situation. I think I'm going to try to calm down, perhaps do some rock painting that I've been working on, read a book , have a cup of tea, and try to breathe. Try to let it all wash over me as COM has often said. Sorry for the rambling but I'm so tired tonight and needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for always being here for me when I need you all the most.