New and struggling...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mevmom, May 25, 2017.

  1. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    I want to say thank you for being here. This group seems like a safe place.
    My daughter is 10, no diagnosis, I don't know where to start. I don't know if something is wrong or if she is just difficult. I hardly know where to start.
    She's always been stubborn, but since she was 4 she has these meltdowns. Any little thing can trigger her rage. She is 10 now, and I feel like a prisoner. She terrorizes me and the other two kids with her emotional whims. It gives me whiplash just watching her mood swings. She can be so sweet, docile, and affectionate. But then, tell her she can't draw comics during school (we homeschool) and she falls apart. Give her a consequence? Screaming at me. Slamming doors, saying she hates me. And always shocked when she gets a consequence- she just can't believe it! I'm so mean. But 10 minutes later she is trying to snuggle, saying she loves me... and I want to push her away.
    And then there's the constant whining. Everything I ask her to do is met with groans, wails, or her collapsing to the ground in protest. Everything is a big deal. Nothing is ever just ok.
    I used to believe in firm discipline, and I thought if we were just consistent enough she would learn. But by the time she was 8, it was worse than ever. I knew something was wrong. So we backed off and tried all kinds of other approaches. I've tried listening and connecting with her in so many ways. But I've also lost it with her more times than I can count. At this point, I just want to run away from her. I wake up in dread every day, not knowing if it will be one of her good days or bad ones. Her siblings suffer tremendous anxiety since her moods are so dominant. I don't even want to connect with her anymore. I just want to escape. Everyone says "oh you'll miss these days" but I just want her to grow up and leave. And I'm so ashamed I feel like that.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you ever taken her for a total evaluation? I recommend a neuropsychologist or team of professionals at a university clinic or childrens hospital. It doesnt sound like a parenting problem...sounds like it is deeper than that.
  3. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    No I haven't. I don't really know how to get the ball rolling on all that. And we don't have insurance.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do you have Medicaid?

    IF you are in U.S. you just make an appointment., say, with neuropsychologist. There may be a wait but its worth it. If the neuropsychologist is in a university hospital, they take Medicaid. If you dont have it, apply for it if you havent. You may be able to get it and SSI if your daughter meets certain criteria which will help you afford help for her.

    Please dont feel guilty when you get upset or overly frustrated. These are normal feelings. You love times you dont like her or know what to do about her. We all get it.

    How is she at school?
  5. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    She is homeschooled. It's a nightmare... except when it isn't. But I never know which it will be. Most days it's pouting and groaning and flying off the handle.
    I know she hates how she behaves too. Lots of times she acts like it's all everyone else's fault, but sometimes she breaks down crying and saying she's horrible and she makes everyone feel bad, etc.
    She's not violent, at least not beyond the occasional slap at one of her siblings. It's just that her constant emotional roller coaster is exhausting to ride.
  6. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    My husband is self employed. I'm worried we fall into that middle zone- we make too much money to qualify for Medicaid but not enough money to foot the medical bills all on our own.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    With no diagnosis you cant really get SSI or professional help. Your own methods havrnt worked. She needs an evaluation to at least point you in the right direction. If you buy insurance, it may be expensive, but she needs the help. Does she see foctors at all?

    This is not normal ten year old behavior. Her not being in school is fine for typical kids but they have free services at school that you cant provide. Not to say school is isnt. But its offerrs free intervention.

    She needs intervention and diagnosis or, as you see, she can not get better. I believe homeschooling is usually great, but maybe not for this kiddo. She is not able to access any help from any resource and you are floundering. Something needs to change do she is not just limited to home.

    Hugs, love and light. Think out all options. You may need to widen your comfort zone to help this child. Insurance would be my first priority if it were my kid. I would want her evaluated ny a neuropsychologist. Cheaper talk therapists or social workers are not legally able to diagnose. They do not have the extensive training needed.
    Last edited: May 26, 2017
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I firmly believe that kids do well when they can. So clearly your daughter needs help of some kind. I agree that she needs an evaluation. You really don't know if you qualify for medicaid until you apply. I know many are humiliated to apply, but it is still worth applying. My husband and I had it for many years and it was WELL worth having - it covered EVERYTHING at 100%, no copays. It was the best insurance we ever had. Hands down.

    You don't just call a neuropsychologist to make an appointment. You have to go to your pediatrician and get a referral. Like most specialists, they want to know why you think they are needed and they have a long waiting list. So you do have to see the pediatrician first and make the pediatrician do the referral. Some pediatricians don't like to do referrals. I tended to have pediatricians who gave in when I said my kid needed a specialist. Mostly because I was right, but I think they got to know me and realized I knew my kids really well and didn't cry wolf or demand things that were not needed. I also didn't give in - if I insisted on a specialist and they said no, they better give me a reason or we were seeing another pediatrician until I got what I wanted. I figured it was no skin off their back if I saw a specialist, so why would they not give me the referral? I had no problem pushing and demanding until I got what I felt my kids needed, and you should do the same whether it is for a neuropsychologist or an occupational therapist or anything else.

    After all, ALWAYS remember the doctor is a specialist in medicine but YOU are a specialist in your child.

    I homeschooled my kids at various times. It is a hard thing to do. I always felt it was not always right for every child at every time. We evaluated it for each child at each semester. Sometimes I had one child in elementary school, one homeschooled, and one in high school. That was a challenge! But it was right for each child, where keeping them all home, or forcing them all into school would not have been right.

    If you enroll your difficult daughter in school, you can have her evaluated for an IEP. The school will do a variety of evaluations and will provide an individualized educational plan for her that will have specific goals for her. You will have input and may have to do some fighting and advocating for her. We can help guide you through this process. There are specific timelines in place that the school has to follow to get the testing done and to set things up. At least it would get some of the evaluations done. It is one option.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I actually didnt fo tjrough my pediatrician. They took me with no referral. But every professional is different.

    Bottom line is you must involve medical doctors or school or something outside of ypur home to get help. If you dont even have doctors for your kids, your kids can not get help. This is not a do it yourself peoject and, alrhough I believe spirituality is great, religious organizations, if perhaps you use them, can not help your daughter. I have met some homeschool parents who didnt take their kids to doctors. I wont judge...if this is your family, your troubled child will not get better. You need medical professionals.

    It puzzles me that you havent at least spoken to a pediatrician or that you have not purchased the best health insurance you can.

    Is there a reason you have no health insurance? You may have to switch priorotities to buy some. What if any of your kids get sick?
  10. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    I don't really want to get into an insurance debate. We've had it before, but since my husband is self employed it was expensive and basically junk. We now have the best we can do, which is a Christian bill sharing co-op of sorts. But it doesn't cover "mental health" stuff, which is honestly bullshit. But that's that. I'm going to talk to my husband about taking her to the doctor. We are certainly not against medical professionals. It's just that my daughters behaviors have been so up and down that it can be hard to tell if she's just high strung or if something's really wrong. Our minds play tricks on us, you know. And she doesn't seem to fit all the criteria for anything.
    Next year she is going to part-time school (go to school T and Th, home the other days). But it's a private school. You may be right, we may need to put her in a public school. But we're in Idaho, so I wonder if they have anything decent to offer? I also admit I'm scared to put my kids in public school. I've always heard such terrible things about them. I know that isn't the case for everyone.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I dont know what you heard but my sons autism would have never gotten so much better without the wonderful school help he received. They were over half of why he is the great, giving, smart young man he is today. And he is very obedient at work, follows the law, and is cooperative. He needed to learn in a special way and get interventions.

    No child has every symptom of any disorder even if they have it. If you dont want to reach out for conventional help, then I imagine your daughter will not be diagnosed or improve and I am sad for her and you.

    If you speak to homeschool parents only you are hearing only from scared people with no public school experience. Talk to public school parents. Visit the school. My son got no help at a Christian school...only public schools in our state have resources. Bad behavior is not tolerated in religious school. Public schools have to try to work with tje behavior...there are IEPs.

    You dont ever need to get insurance but if you dont and dont let this particular daughter go to public school, she may well turn to very bad behavior as a teen. She is slready rebellious at only ten. I volunteered at the humane society and half the kids who volunteered with me were court ordered on parole and at least half of them were 18 and over... girls who had been homeschooled. Four out of eight of them. They smoked, drugged, partied etc. Two had been kicked out of the home.

    You cant shield your daughter forever no matter if you homeschool her or not. You know something is wrong with your girl or you wouldnt be here. Mom gut. No kids act out all the time. It is always up and down. That is typicsl of kids with disorders snd mental illness.

    Anyhow, sending love and light!
    Last edited: May 26, 2017
  12. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Whatever you do, do it QUICKLY. If the current administration's budget passes in any form, the money likely won't be there for medicaid, or mental health services, including in schools.
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  13. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    Thank you. I think you're right. My husband has always resisted "labeling" her. He knows she's difficult of course, but I guess maybe he thinks she's just different. I think as bad as things have been, it's like at least we know this. Whereas embarking on a process of getting her help is really daunting.
    It's puzzling for me how ok she is when we are out and about. I mean comparatively speaking. And people think she's just sweet and a bit of a firecracker.
    I think my fear of public school has been what if being exposed to so much more makes it even worse? What if she falls in with the wrong crowd (she's very social)? What if putting her there actually makes it more likely she will start into drugs and all? On the other hand, I know you are right about Christian school- rebellion is not tolerated. It will all be seen as a discipline issue.
  14. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    That's my fear!!! I dont know if we can get this ball rolling fast enough.
  15. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    Also, how do you know what's normal for kids? It's so hard for me to tell- I think that's why I never asked the doctor. I thought well maybe this is just how she is. Also I'm worried my doctor will judge me. I can't tell you how many people have said some version of "well maybe if you just disciplined her more".
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do it. So far this administration cant get anything done. Dont worry.

    You look at other kids who are 10, or your kids who are not problems, and its pretty eady to see if your kid is a behavior problem. A child who regularly acts up so bad you feel like running for cover needs help. Most little tykes are fun!
    Last edited: May 26, 2017
  17. mevmom

    mevmom New Member

    What about charter schools? Do they have resources for difficult kids?
  18. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Charter schools exist to make money. Any special services cost money, so they usually don't have them. This is my pet peeve with Catholic schools. They preach helping the least among us, etc., but my daughter had a learning disability so she couldn't go to Catholic school. Sorry for the digression.