New here and could use some advice...please

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DramaQueenLucy, Jul 5, 2008.

  1. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    I was referred here by a friend. I have 2 boys that I love very much..but these kiddos don't like each other at all. DS16, has mentally and physically abused DS10 for the last few years...many rounds of therapy and now finally in treatment at a hospital. difficult child, is PTS, ODD & Depressive. He got totally out of control just before he left for treatment...he has been doing well, I think anyways...but I don't know how much of his story is for real and how much of it is him wanting to get out and come home...ugh He has been there for 2 months the whole first month he was a turd to me and everyone else around him...since then he has worked on his issues, physically abusive behaviors, disrespect, mentally abuse, grief, anger & resentment. Well he has had a major turn around in 4 weeks time and I just don't know what to think. Now my DS10 doesn't want difficult child to come home because he had been a victim of his abuse for the last 2 years.

    There lies my problem, difficult child wants to come home but DS10 isn't ready for him to come home. DS10's therapist wants to change his adhd medications and put him on something to help him deal with his feelings for difficult child. I can say that DS10 has made a really big improvement in his behavior since Joe has been gone, his melt downs have gone from one every 2 days or so to maybe once a week. DS10 has been more open, loving and more willing to obey.

    The plan at this point is for DS10 to get on his new medications, have 2 phone sessions with difficult child, have 2 sessions with difficult child & his therapist & ds10 & his therapist...then 2 in person visits. After that difficult child will be home.

    I am feeling caught between a rock and a hard place with the kids...I love them both but difficult child had been abusing ds10 and that can't be ignored. So the question is how can I help ds10 to start healing and help both of the kids to accept each other. I tried to give all the information but if you have a question then just ask me...I am an open book right now...I need help...I am just tired.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Is there some family member without young children he can stay with when he gets out? When the facility that evaluated my son felt like he could return home, I was not comfortable having him in the house, so he went to stay with a family member. If you nor your younger son are ready, I think I would look into other options.
    When difficult child was in my home, we had a safety plan in place. He was never left alone with his sister. She had double locks on her door and a cell phone beside her at all times. If I had to leave the house, he was with me. You need to work out a safety plan so that your younger son feels protected.
  3. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    We don't have any family near by that would be willing to take difficult child...So the safety plan is the way to go, along with family therapy and individual for each kiddo.

    I have a plan in mind for the kids...I work so DS16 would have to wait for me to pick him up after school, so he will not be home alone with DS10, if I go out then so does DS16. They will not be allowed in each other's bed rooms. I have already told difficult child that if he gets physical with ds10 that I will call the police and he will not be allowed back home. If difficult child gets emotionally abusive I will call and have him put in to another hospital. I have a zero tolerance for abuse of any kind. I didn't think about the locks but I think I will get ds10 a lock for his door.

  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Colleen and welcome.

    This is a real tough one because our agressive difficult children can really do a number on the siblings. On one hand, Joe has worked and made progress and shouldn't be penalized for past bad acts. on the other hand, Jacob absolutely has the right to feel safe in his own home - and that emotional abuse can be as devastating as the physical and in my home it was much harder to catch the whispered threats of death and mayhem.

    I would go forward with the sessions with the 2 boys and see how it goes. I would also involve Jacob in coming up with a safety plan. What does he think would help him feel safe? Locks are good - I used a keyed lock the last time thank you lived at home because he was actively trying to go after my 2 youngest and had figured out how to undo the twisty lock things you usually get on indoor doors.

    Another thought would be respite or a big brother or mentor program for one or both of the boys. Involvement in community activities - basically keeping them both as busy and supervised as possible, especially during the hours that you're not able to be there.

    I think Joe also needs to understand the concept of lost trust. Trust is given freely the first time around - if you loose it and have to re-earn it, it's ten times harder. My son always thought that was unfair but... his terrorization of his siblings was also beyond unfair. Joe needs to understand that he has to make amends and it's squarely on his shoulders - Jacob is perfectly reasonable to not trust him until he proves himself. Sounds like you have very reasonable boundaries and consequences.

    I hope the reunification goes smoothly and that both of your boys continue with their progress.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would be really suspicious of a kid who has only suddenly turned it around after four weeks. Are you certain that Joe is in control of his behavior and can use self-control? Would he maybe go home from school before you pick him up?
    I'm not sure what I'd do, although I'd arm the young one with a cell phone and a very strong door lock. But I'd also have to wonder "Does Joe really mean it?" I'm surprised they're letting him go home so fast.
    Good luck.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry your family has to deal with this. My difficult child spent 4 months in a psychiatric hospital at age 12 for trying to kill his sister. I wish reunification had gone slower. It was really hard on our daughter, though she is incredibly loving and giving and forgiving. At almost 14 I had the police remove him because he was abusing ME. Even the dang judge didn't want to deal with it, so he ended up living with my parents. It has been a good thing, he is much better in many ways. And NOT having him here has really helped my younger 2 heal.

    In many ways, time helps more than all the counsellor visits. It will take time for Joe to prove to you and to Jacob that he really means it.

    I agree that the concept of lost trust needs to be explained. I am sorry that you are all going through this.


  7. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    Thanks for the advice. This is just such a hard place for me right now. Yes, Joe has worked hard but I don't know if I believe that he has worked through enough to come home, he is a master of manipulation. Does he deserve a chance yes...but not at Jacob's expense. I will put a plan in place including cell phone, home phone in his room, lock on his door, not being left home alone with Joe. Jacob is very active he has sports 5 times a week, Church 2 times a week and is busy with school. Joe on the other hand doesn't have anything but Church 2 times a week, I hope that he will get a job somewhere close enough to school for him to walk to after school.

    To be honest....Jacob & I are not ready for Joe to come home...the hospital Joe is at really pushed me to take him home even earlier then this but I told them that I would not take him home until I talked to Jacob's therapist...she said no that Jacob would need more time to get on his medications and work through some of his feelings about Joe. My Jacob is a very sensitive child and his brother hurt him in many ways. I just don't know what to do...but I do know that this last release date is more then likely the date that he will be released...I have pushed it as much as they will allow.