New Here...HELP....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Cindijh, Aug 18, 2008.

  1. Cindijh

    Cindijh New Member

    I am new a bit on the forums yesterday. I have to say that seeing what everyone else is dealing with made me feel a little better. You guys seem like you know a perhaps you can give me some guidance, advice, empathy?
    • I am a 52 year old mom of 3, remarried for the past 6 years. husband and I met on a Christian message board. He had to actually immigrate from Canada to get great expense and effort. We thought we were perfect for each other...reality has set in. I am the liberal, he is the total conservative. We see spiritual issues differently. I think I evolved, while he stayed stuck in a fundie rut. I have overcome mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (needed a totally neat house) and was diagnosed finally with disthymia (sp) about 10 years ago...while on the edge of a major clinical depression. Take 300 mg of Welbutrin daily. Life is still hard, but it is in color now rather than varying shades of sad gray.
    • Ex husband (saw an acronym for that somewhere) married to him for 22 years...divorced for about 7. Definite..DEFINITE ADHD although undiagnosed. He has learned to control it somewhat but still was described by an ex girlfriend as "the most disheveled person I've ever met". Not a great match for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He drove me nuts for years. However he is kind hearted and generous and I still have great affection (as in brotherly) for him and we get along quite well.
    • Wife-in-law- Physical Therapist for young, special needs kids. Married to ex for about a year. Still lives in her house in a town about a half hour from here. Ex goes there when I have the kids (kids go back and forth several times a week...joint physical and legal custody) She comes to his house about 4 or 5 days a month. Still very opinionated about how things should be done. "I have all this knowledge but no one will use it". I should add she is on her 4'th marriage and her son has numerous problems with addiction and has flunked out/quit college 3 times. He is 22 or 23.
    • Kids: Matthew-18. What seems to be referred to here as the easy child. Truly, the kid has given me next to no trouble. He is leaving for college next Saturday. I will miss him desperately although he has stayed mainly at his dad's over the summer and on weekends...and even with-o supervision at his dad's police were never wild parties that got out of hand, no speeding tickets, DUI's. We had a bout with bad grades over his junior year....which he learned a big time lesson from.
    Emily...another easy child...pretty much. 14, very involved in the church, pretty straight edge. Very outgoing, friendly, happy although sometimes obstinate and argumentative. Has been put in the middle knowing what my difficult child has done since she was Beth's confidante. She is sick of the turmoil in our homes.

    Beth...16....I am just going to list the sequence of events of her life and behavior lately....

    • Very bright, talked early. Did well in school until about 5th grade when she was assigned to a teacher with very high expectations who she has later told us made her almost cry every day. It has gotten progressively worse since then. Homework and schoolwork a source of constant frustration. Teachers always saying "not working up to potential" Failed two classes in her freshman year. Started to skip school big time the end of last year with her loser boyfriend.
    • Problem with stealing throughout her growing up. In kindergarten stole from a back pack several times, stole lipstick from the drug store. In third grade stole money from her brother (several times). In 4th grade, stole money from our new neighbors kids. Lately, I've found out she has been shoplifting cough syrup for the DXM (more on the drug issues to follow) She could have stolen from me...not real careful about my money and kind of jam it in my purse. Not from husband who is meticulous about his wallet and money.
    • Has leaned toward the dark side....hard rock, Kurt Cobain, bad language, questionable downright drug dealer friends. Smoked cigs. Drank at sleepovers which evolved to downright parties in the attic of one girl in particular whose guardians were old and unaware. This turned into sneaking out while staying with another friend, drinking at the riverlot parties, dating guys older than her and ended up getting date raped.
    • We had her in counseling after this was revealed (to me first and when her dad and my wife in law found out I knew and didn't tell them there was quite the to-do...which we worked through) and she started to do better. Her now loser boyfriend had just been released from boot camp (drugs/theft) she started to see him and seemed to have turned his life around. She hung out a lot with him and his dad. While he was on probation all was well...then he was off probation, got a car and they started to smoke pot etc. I didn't know it. She lied about it and she never looked stoned. Came in on time etc. It got progressively worse.
    • Sometime during the decline she was diagnosed by her counselor and a psychiatrist as depressed. She started Welbutrin. She started the pill at the same time because we found out she was having sex with her boyfriend. Unbeknownst to me she stopped the welbutrin...choosing pot instead. I found out when her sister ratted her out a few months later.
    • She forged a teacher's signature so she could go on a band trip (she was failing the class) She started to smart off to some of the teachers. She was, of course, lying to us right and left.
      [*]She got caught skipping school/smoking in the rr. Was suspended for 2 days, did not tell us and spent the days in C Parking lot smoking dope.
    • Her boyfriend broke up with her about ten days before school was out. That was the straw that broke the camels back. She refused to stay in class, lied to us, spent the periods she cut in the parking lot smoking dope with her loser friends. When we came down on her she ran away. Five times in about a month. Once she stayed away almost 5 days. We got CPS involved. Three times she came home on her own...twice we found her. They put her in shelter care for two two week stints. She stole her step mom's lap top with the intention of selling it. She did not and came home 12 hours later, with the lap top.
    • Since this last time out of shelter care she has gone before a judge who ordered her to be drug tested weekly, go to the shelter care school for at least the first 9 weeks and obey the rules of the household. She will get drug counseling with shelter care and possible court ordered "real" rehab if she tests positive on her drug tests. She did test positive for cocaine when we drug her to the ER for a drug test during the running away phase. Her caseworkers have been very helpful. During this two weeks she has sniffed paint thinner, is using DXM at least occasionally to get high, snuck out once in the night, snuck away a day we thought she was supposed to be at day treatment (a summer program she was forced to attend by CPS) but she had been told she did not. We caught her both of those times. She was trying to see her ex boyfriend who she loves and who now loves her. ("you're trying to keep me from the only person I want to see") He is a loser...thief...was recently caught trying to steal money from someone's bank account with his sister. They had the birthdate wrong so they were caught but so far no charges have been filed. Was caught taking "his" stuff out of someone's car. Stole $500 from his dad. Lost his license for several speeding violations.
    • She expresses no concern about this stuff and almost condones it. (Although she assured us she told him to never steal from us, I am thinking omg identity theft!!!) She says she only cares about herself. She is just doing time with us until she turns 18 and can get out on her own and get an apartment and do what she wants to do (which is to "pry open her 3rd eye with pot" and come and go as she pleases)
    • Her moods are erratic although they tend to be mainly sour because she is on lockdown almost. We keep starting anew with strict rules etc but let her know that if she complies we will increase what she is allowed to do. She keeps getting caught doing bad stuff. Back to square one. We have flat out banned contact with the boyfriend (loser, loser, loser) but I cannot continue to be her jailer. She has not tried to run away for about a month and prior to the five time spree she never ran away before.
    • She kind of lost it the other day when she was caught skipping out when she was supposed to be at day treatment. I locked down all the computers, hid the phones etc. and she flipped. Throwing stuff around her room, broke the mirror etc. I called the police...who did nothing but lecture her, although I think it scared her somewhat. That day was a bad day. She said some pretty nasty things to me...hate you...wish you would die etc. I went downstairs to her bedroom and she had pierced her lip three more times....big old needle through her lip. I tried to talk to her...not really flipping out about the needle or the other piercings which she had put earrings in. The next day her lip was swollen and she agreed if I let her keep the one she has been "sneaking" for a few weeks she would agree to skip the other three for now. It is her dad who is dead set against the lip ring. I don't care....although the four holes did kind of freak me out.
    • We made arrangements to have her tested for IQ, ADD and personality disorders. The testing began today. She did well and was very cooperative. She is somewhat up today.
    So to anyone who has stuck it out till now...I am thankful. Can anyone give me some advice, direction, empathy, words of wisdom about what is wrong with this child? Is it undiagnosed ADD run amuck with the need to self medicate from years of knowing she is very smart but cannot actually translate that to schoolwork (but only in some subjects), thus the drug use. She has spiraled downward exponentially in the past few months. Is it PSD from the rape? She was a virgin and although it was not a violent thing...she was too drunk to was a violation. Is it depression? Is it simply addiction and all these other things are a result of that. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Any...ANY words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.

  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Cindi, welcome. I'm glad you found us.

    Obivously, we're not doctors and can't diagnosis over the internet, but given what I know about our kids on this board, I'm guessing you're looking at a mood issue that your difficult child is self-medicating. Whether it's anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder or something else, only a good adolescent psychiatrist who does a thorough evaluation can tell for sure.

    I think it's wise that you're having testing done. What kind of professional is administering the testing? What kind of doctor is overseeing your daughter's care at this point?

    Since you're bumping up against the age of 18 when you'll no longer have control over your daughter's medical treatment, I'd strongly suggest getting your difficult child sooner rather than later into a dual-diagnosis treatment facility -- one that treats both the substance absue and the underlying issue fueling it.

    While I'm sure you will get some responses here, I'd also suggest copying and reposting your thread over on the Teens and Substance Abuse forum. The ladies over there have been there done that and can share their wisdom with you.

    Again, welcome.
  3. Cindijh

    Cindijh New Member

    It is a neuro psychologist who is doing the testing. She calls herself "doctor." Beth has been in counseling about 6-8 months with a regular child/adolescent psychologist. The psychiatrist who prescribed the welbutrin has seen her about 5 times and has determined she is an addict...and told Beth so the last visit. Beth was so ticked...crying...mad. I'm not sure you can diagnose that in just a few short visits?

    As far as treatment facilities, we are hoping the court will order her into rehab. From what I have been told, in PA. the teen must sign themselves into rehab or they can leave at any time. She would not sign herself in. We've thought about having her committed to the local mental health dept. for evaluation but things are happening SO FAST, I can't keep up. Plus finances are limited.

    The caseworker at CPS wants to see what these evaluations reveal before he acts on her misbehavior of the past few weeks.

    Thanks so much. I will post this in the substance abuse board. I am so glad I found you guys!!!!

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, there. Been there/done that with a daughter who was once an out-of-control drug addict. With what you've told me, and what I know from the daughter, yes, she is an addict. It doesn't take a lot of visits to determine that.
    My daughter has also been raped, when she was eight years old (and didn't tell us). I am quite sure that had MUCH to do with her later behaviors as rape has a very negative effect on self-esteem and worth, and my daughter didn't tell us until she was fourteen. Back to your daughter. If your kid is dabbling in cocaine, she's hardcore. I thought my daughter was only smoking pot too. I have since learned that "I'm smoking pot" usually means a lot more. Since my daughter has been straight, she has told me the ugly stories of what was REALLY going on.
    I don't know if it even matters if she is ADD, bipolar, or anything else right now because until she stops using drugs, she isn't going to get better (my layman's guess is she sounds more bipolar than ADHD). But, again, nothing can help her until she stops using drugs.
    I think you can get a lot more good posts from been there/done thats on the Teen/Substance Abuse Board. Or you can skip it and jump to Parent Emeritus, which gets more responses. Most parents on this particular forum "General" have younger kids and have not gone through this yet (and hopefully never will). The main thing with your daughter, at her age, is to keep her straight and hopefully hope she decides to quit using drugs. Even been on probation did not stop my daughter. She had to decide to do it herself.
    By the way, has she had intensive counseling for one who was sexually assaulted? My daughter didn't because she wouldn't go. She was very resistant to any help for a while.
    Any evaluations right now will be skewed. My daughter had evaluations while she was still messing with drugs and they really didn't mean a whole lot. Now that she's clean we see signs of a mild mood disorder, and she herself says she thinks she has one. She is so anti-drug now that she is treating herself with alternatives.
    I would just try to keep daughter off the streets and see if she decides to quit using drugs. by the way, she is probably also mixing it with alcohol as they go together. Sex is usually another byproduct, but, if your doctor does happen to have a mood disorder, be careful because The Pill can make her even crazier and more out-of-control because it is hormones.
    Glad you decided to post, but sorry you had to. Hope you and hub can maybe go into marital counseling so you two can at least get on the same page and support one another.
    Read the Teen and Parent Emeritus forums. I think you'll find them helpful.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Cindi,
    If you're still on this thread, just wanted to welcome you and send many, many hugs.
    I wholeheartedly agree with-MM. I have a niece who sounds so much like your daughter they could be twins. I agree, you don't need many visits to figure out addiction, and when they say they're doing pot, they think it's no big deal (or they'll fool you or whatever) and they're doing a lot more. OMG, these kids are so smart and have so much potential and it is so heartbreaking.
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Welcome to the club! I can't speak to the drug and icky teenager stuff because my kids are still small, but one thing that you wrote on your post was about her school history (it sort of jumped out at me!).

    You said that she was doing beautifully until about 5th grade when she had a demanding teacher who felt she wasn't working hard enough. Then the common theme was "she's not working up to her potential".

    Has anyone tested her for learning disabilities? They often crop up in the 5th & 6th grade because the difficulty increases and it's harder to cover it up.

    Just a thought that you may want to have her tested!

    Again, welcome to the crowd - it's a really great group!